xamandax Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Hey everyone - just wanted to hear some of your thoughts regarding the speed at which adult relationships tend to progress. (Or rather, do you feel that the older you are/more experience with relationships you have, the faster they tend to develop?) A bit of context: I'm 21 years old, and met my current boyfriend this past year in college. We 'courted' one another for several months while in school and it soon progressed into an intimate dating relationship. We've been 'official' for about 4 months now. Already in the short time we've been dating, a significant level of comfort around one another has been reached. We eat together, sleep together, study together, go out together.. the only thing we don't do is live together. (Although that might be about to change, which is why I felt inspired to post this thread.) In my previous relationships, most notably my most recent one of five and a half years, things progressed so slowly. I realize that a lot of that has to do with the fact that we were very young, but many of my peers reported lengthy 'getting-to-know-you' periods in their relationships more recently. I'm going to be discussing the possibility of moving in with him tonight, and was hoping that some of you could share your stories about how long it took before you decided to move in with your s/o or anything else you feel is relevant to this thread. My goal is to gather some different perspectives to talk to my boyfriend about, just for the sake of having a well-rounded conversation about the fairly big step we feel ready to take. (Gotta make sure we cover all the bases!) We have a pros and cons list going, so if you have any of your own that you feel he and I should consider please share! Thanks, and I look forward to hearing your opinions.
Author xamandax Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I should also note that both he and I are not new to renting places/paying bills/getting groceries and such because we have both lived on our own for a few years now. That part won't be an issue as we're well equipped for dealing ourselves in that respect.
Serenitynow Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 We have a pros and cons list going, so if you have any of your own that you feel he and I should consider please share! What is your pros/cons list about ? .
Author xamandax Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) About things like (and these are just small examples): Pro - will be better financially - will be able to spend more time together Con - but could there be too much togetherness? what's the solution? - conflicting expectations You know, just a list of things that we want to discuss before moving in together so that we know where the other stands to avoid too much conflict. I want to be able to talk about all of the things we hope for/are afraid of happening before we make the move. Edit - maybe "pro" and "con" wasn't the right term for the kind of list we've made. It's more like a list of concerns/expectations I guess. Edited July 12, 2010 by xamandax
Serenitynow Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Ok just asking because the way you explained the thread gave me the impression you havent talked with him yet. But obviously you two have discussed it. How many hours a day on average are you with him now. with separate addys ?
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 You're saying you are "older," right? You're 21, only 21. You've had other relationships, the last had to have started when you were 15.5 years old, but there were others before that. Right? Already in the short time we've been dating, a significant level of comfort around one another has been reached. We eat together, sleep together, study together, go out together.. the only thing we don't do is live together. (Although that might be about to change It sounds like too much. Not only too soon, but too much to keep your lives in balance. Do you ever spend time apart? Whose idea is it to move in together? How long have you been dating? It's really not clear.
Serenitynow Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 The OP does sound like shes got a good head on her shoulders tho for her age. unlike too many other people that come her for advice. But more info is needed for better analysis. .
rabasujuly0110 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 hi dear ... your thought is really good .... yes this also happens with me .... i am 24 now .... but this time you should be aware of your career .... relationship is needed , but not a speedy way ... take time , and go go go .......
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 And to answer your question - No, relationships do not progress more quickly as you get older. If anything, they are likely to progress more slowly. It is the young that are keen to acting on impulse. With age, you accept that "butterflies" (while wonderful) are just butterflies and not an indication that you're "soulmates."
crimsonmike Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 The speed at which you progress should be whatever you are comfortable with. You see many posts on here where people think you have to date for YEARS before making a commitment to someone. That is not the case. Whatever you and he are comfortable with is all that matters.
rocket182 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 The speed at which you progress should be whatever you are comfortable with. You see many posts on here where people think you have to date for YEARS before making a commitment to someone. That is not the case. Whatever you and he are comfortable with is all that matters. I agree with this 100%. You can ask all of us for our opinion and how things worked out for us, but what it comes down to is what you're comfortable with. I moved in with my boyfriend after about a month. This was fast but there were other factors in our decision. The hing most people asked when I said I was thinking about moving in with him was "have you guys had a fight yet?". A great relationship doesn't mean you've never fought, everyone is going to fight sometimes. If you move in together before you even have a small fight then you might still be in that initial "puppy love" phase of the relationship.
Crazy Magnet Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 You need to talk about things like what roles you expect each other to play. Some people trend towards stereotypical male/female roles, others do not. You need to talk about division of bills/rent and other financial security matters (how much you each make, how much is in your bank accounts, savings accounts and in general the saver vs. spender type stuff). You need to talk about who will do what chore and how often you expect these chores to happen. This includes everything from cooking and cleaning to laundry and folding. You need to talk about your expectations for the future. Is this a step towards engagement and marriage? What kind of time line is in your head? What kind of time line is in HIS head? Do you both want children? What parenting style do each of you want to use? How will you split holidays? How many nights a week will you dedicate to each other and how many will you dedicate to friends? You need to discuss your communication style. Identify what you each do, what works, and what doesn't work and come up with ways to improve communication. You must be open and honest with each other about your fears about moving in together and talk about how you may split things up if it doesn't work out. Talk about what kind of food you plan to keep in the fridge! Beer and pizza is a lot different than raw carrots. How will you "share" you space? I don't think 21 is "older" by any definition. However, I think you should go with the relationship pace that feels most comfortable for you. That's what I do. The biggest thing about moving in together is to expect to have an adjustment period where you both figure out how things works. Be prepared to communicate about the issues you will have in a healthy and productive way. There will be no point in yelling and screaming at each other over the toothpaste. I too hope you have had at least 1 fight to see how things will work between the two of you.
Recommended Posts