Reasons A's start despite being in an already good relationship

[OWoman]

I think cheaters are unhappy in their marriages, lack the ability or desire to discuss it with the spouse, so they end up having affairs.

 

...or lack the understanding of the problem. Several of my fMMs would never have admitted to being unhappy in their Ms UNTIL THEY HAD SOMETHING TO COMPARE IT WITH - the A. They assumed that they were happily M. And then noticed, by way of contrast, how different things were outside of the M, and so came to understand their M differently.

 

Yes, that's after the fact, once the a is already underway, but what made them agree to an A in the first place, given that they claimed to be happily M? It's something I asked, because it interests me, and answers ranged from curiosity (one MM had only ever had sex with his W, and was curious to see what sex with a different woman would be like; another had watched me professionally and was curious to see me in a different context) to lust and desire, to exhausted selflessness - a number of MMs lived lives of service, to Ws and kids and work and other responsibilities, and they were for the first time in their lives (as they saw it) being offered an opportunity for some "me" time. It was their first chance to try out an identity which wasn't just "Dr. Mike" or "my-husband-James" or "Daddy" or "Tony, the reliable son". They could be Mike / James / Mark / Tony on their own terms, just this once, to see what it felt like. And, inevitably, it felt GOOD... so they came back for more.

[Spark1111]

Amazing book:

 

"The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself From the Need to Rescue Others," by Dr. Mary C. Lamia and Maril Krieger, Ph. D.

[flying]

I get the sense that what you're looking for is the magic bullet, some answer that will make immediate sense and protect you against it ever happening again.

 

Trust me, I get it - my exH cheated, and I spent a long time trying to understand what happened in order to inoculate myself against it ever happening in the future (with new partners, that is). I wanted to know as much as I could so that I could protect myself, be hyper-aware of my relationships, not get complacent, not get overly secure, not allow myself to make mistakes, be aware if something seems off, etc. etc.

 

But you know, that's not really how it works.

 

My guess is that, if there wasn't a clear issue in your relationship, then what happened was just...life.

 

People get bored, they get lonely, they get anxious, they start to doubt their attractiveness, they start to doubt their power over their own lives. If, for whatever reason, they aren't strong enough or open enough or caring enough - or, let's face it, self-aware enough - to discuss those fears and anxieties and lonely feelings with their partners, they might think the answer lies outside - outside the marriage, outside themselves, anywhere else.

 

IMO, that's why a lot of people cheat. They're just dissatisfied, vaguely, and they don't know what to do with themselves or how to fix it, because nothing concrete is wrong, it's just that life isn't quite going in the story arc they hoped for and it's disappointing somehow - and then someone comes along who's attractive and makes them feel excited because it's new and perhaps a little subversive and the whole thing is basically a distraction from dissatisfaction. And that starts to look like a solution.

 

(By the way, I'm not talking about those marriages which have deep gulfs or serious issues - I'm talking about situations such as the one the OP found herself in.)

 

The trouble is, when you ask your WS what happened, he's not going to be able to point to something and say, yeah, it was that, so take that away and all will be well. He doesn't know what's wrong and he's probably someone who's somewhat less than fully self-aware - can't quite figure out why he was unhappy, is generally aware it's not your fault, but what happened happened, so there must be something, right? Aha! Toothpaste. Or maybe the sweater?

 

OP, I wish there were a way to protect against other peoples' unhappiness and anxiety, but there just isn't. You can hope the best you can that you're with someone who will turn toward you instead of away when s/he is troubled.

 

But that's all you can really do - just be self-aware for your own sake, take care of your relationship to the best of your ability, and take care of you. I'm sorry there aren't any other answers than that.

[Snowflower]

Clearly not! My point was, there was NOTHING wrong.

 

I understand what you're trying to say. But then why did your H have the affair? What was wrong within him? What stressors was he facing? You mentioned that you lost a child (how awful for the two of you), could the anguish from all that have played a role? Did something happen is his past that made him choose such a destructive way to resolve the issue? You don't have to answer these questions here, they are just food for thought.

 

I'm sorry you are getting jumped on for what you are posting. It doesn't sound like this was a love affair for your H but rather some unmet, internal need that he was trying to fill in a very poor way.

[broken12]

Amazing book:

 

"The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself From the Need to Rescue Others," by Dr. Mary C. Lamia and Maril Krieger, Ph. D.

 

Thanks, Spark, I'll track it down.

[broken12]

I understand what you're trying to say. But then why did your H have the affair? What was wrong within him? What stressors was he facing? You mentioned that you lost a child (how awful for the two of you), could the anguish from all that have played a role? Did something happen is his past that made him choose such a destructive way to resolve the issue? You don't have to answer these questions here, they are just food for thought.

 

I'm sorry you are getting jumped on for what you are posting. It doesn't sound like this was a love affair for your H but rather some unmet, internal need that he was trying to fill in a very poor way.

 

Thanks, SF, that sounds very feasible. I can't have any more children. I think maybe my fWS hid his strong feelings of loss that he was never going to be a father because he didn't want to risk making me feel guilty.

[Fight4Me]

Thanks, SF, that sounds very feasible. I can't have any more children. I think maybe my fWS hid his strong feelings of loss that he was never going to be a father because he didn't want to risk making me feel guilty.

 

I read an article just two days ago regarding a study on divorce rates (sometimes involving infidelity) and what kind of events or circumstances increased the "risk" statistically. I don't rely on statistics, but still found it interesting overall. If you'd like, I can try to find it for you.

 

Anyway, I remember there was a higher probability of husbands leaving their wives if there was a death of a very young child or late term miscarriage. The reasoning was that there was a sense of blame toward the mother, as if she should have taken better care of herself and the baby. It was awful to read, but I think the good news is that proper grief counseling helps both parents cope and rebuild their marriage/family. It may not be a silver bullet, but it certainly makes some level of sense.

 

I honestly meant the above information to be helpful, and I honestly pray that it was. My heart goes out to you because I can only imagine the level of grief you both experience(d). I'm so so sorry for your loss. (((hug)))

[Jilly Bean]

Clearly not! My point was, there was NOTHING wrong.

 

 

So, you believe he cheated, even though he was intensely happy with you?

 

If this is the case, then I would think you would be spending your reconciled life with him in constant fear of him cheating again. I mean, if there was nothing wrong that made him cheat to begin with, then even if you believe you are happy today, he will cheat. Know what I mean? If both of you are convinced there was no reason for him to cheat, and nothing to work on in the marriage, then he is ripe for a repeat, and you are ripe to excuse it.

 

There is ALWAYS a reason someone cheats. I guess neither of you care to really acknowledge that.

[broken12]

I read an article just two days ago regarding a study on divorce rates (sometimes involving infidelity) and what kind of events or circumstances increased the "risk" statistically. I don't rely on statistics, but still found it interesting overall. If you'd like, I can try to find it for you.

 

Anyway, I remember there was a higher probability of husbands leaving their wives if there was a death of a very young child or late term miscarriage. The reasoning was that there was a sense of blame toward the mother, as if she should have taken better care of herself and the baby. It was awful to read, but I think the good news is that proper grief counseling helps both parents cope and rebuild their marriage/family. It may not be a silver bullet, but it certainly makes some level of sense.

 

I honestly meant the above information to be helpful, and I honestly pray that it was. My heart goes out to you because I can only imagine the level of grief you both experience(d). I'm so so sorry for your loss. (((hug)))

 

Thanks, F4M, I'd be really interested to see the article if you can find it.

[ladydesigner]

Affairs happen in happy marriages not because there is anything missing from the marriage but because there is something missing in the WS that not a spouse, an OW, a relationship or anyone else can fill.

 

I truly believe this. Although my affair was for revenge, I was still filling a missing void in myself. I am currently working on bettering myself as a person, filling that void myself.

 

(((broken12))) So sorry you find yourself here and for the loss of your child. I hope you find the peace and clarity you need. Also the support on LS is the greatest thing I have ever found.

[sruben]

People get bored, they get lonely, they get anxious, they start to doubt their attractiveness, they start to doubt their power over their own lives. If, for whatever reason, they aren't strong enough or open enough or caring enough - or, let's face it, self-aware enough - to discuss those fears and anxieties and lonely feelings with their partners, they might think the answer lies outside - outside the marriage, outside themselves, anywhere else.

 

Wow, this observation is more helpful than you know!

 

I need to find out which of those four conditions applies to my W -- Some of my friends lean toward the not self-aware enough, and from our recent talks (mine and W's), I'm starting to lean that way myself, although not open enough could also be it.

 

IMO, that's why a lot of people cheat. They're just dissatisfied, vaguely, and they don't know what to do with themselves or how to fix it, because nothing concrete is wrong, it's just that life isn't quite going in the story arc they hoped for and it's disappointing somehow - and then someone comes along who's attractive and makes them feel excited because it's new and perhaps a little subversive and the whole thing is basically a distraction from dissatisfaction. And that starts to look like a solution.

 

Last summer, my W kept saying things like "I don't know what I want" "I'm just not happy" "It's not you, it's me" "I wish I could just die" etc -- whenever she'd seem depressed and I tried to find out what was wrong. Lots of MLC talk there, adding to my suspicion that there was at least an EA somewhere there, although she continues to deny...

[Karma24]

Ego strokes, validation from someone other than a spouse, wanting to feel like he "still got it!", it feels gooood to be flattered by someone's attention - combined with poor impulse control and shallow integrity and weak boundary setting. And lack of thinking it through to potential consequences.

 

And compartmentalization. Basically, it was fun for him and made him feel good, and he thought a bit of fun wouldn't hurt you or the marriage any because it wasn't about you. It was about HIM. Selfish desire to feel admired and sexy.

 

40 year old boys going on 15. They succumb to their immature and self-centered thinking, leaving you out of the equation.

 

 

How do you explain women who cheat then?

[norajane]

How do you explain women who cheat then?

 

Exactly the same way if they are in a "happy" marriage, like the OP says she and her H were.

 

If they are in a troubled marriage already, then it's self-serving, selfish escapism combined with the desire for ego strokes, plus poor conflict resolution skills.

[Just a stone's throw]

Yes, I would have to agree with Norajane as well as Tara and Flying made some really good points. MOW here and I would have to say that boredom, the need to do somethng secret and the attention from someone outside my marriage (which normally would be something that would have made me uncomfortable) coupled with being the one who is always there for everyone else and finally doing something for myself without considering what huge consequences my actions would have.

 

Truly spent a lot of energy trying to scrounge up all the little things that were wrong in my marriage (and I mean insignificant on their own) to make them into something that could be marriage ending? But couldn't do it. Come to realize there are too many good things about my marriage.

 

That all in tow with the electronics age. If I didn't have a Blackberry or a computer in front of me all day or access to my laptop all evening, there would have been little access to communicate beyond a hallway "hello". I think the texting and email age has truly opened the door to facilitate these things growing out of control. I say that b/c i can't see me sitting on the phone talking for hours or writing paper letters to someone. Just too risky. Email wasn't risky.

 

JAST

[Fight4Me]

Thanks, F4M, I'd be really interested to see the article if you can find it.

 

Sorry, took me a while to find it. I think it was an article that popped up on Yahoo and I clicked it since it sounded interesting. It's a Blog, but for every point that is made, a reference is cited (if that helps). http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-07-06/unhappy-marriage-signs-youll-get-divorced/

[Owl]

So, you believe he cheated, even though he was intensely happy with you?

 

 

There is ALWAYS a reason someone cheats.

 

Here's a thought.

 

What if that "reason" that someone cheats is something INSIDE OF THEMSELVES???

 

I think that a LOT of times the common "factor" inherent in spouses who cheat vs those that don't is an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and selfishness. There doesn't always have to be some crippling disease eating away at the marriage...other than this character flaw endemic to the spouse that cheated.

 

I don't think that this is an "all the time" thing...there are clearly many times when a marriage is in trouble and cheating occurs.

 

But I do believe that its also pretty common that the only "flaw" is that inherent selfishness and self-centeredness of the person who cheats.

[ladydesigner]

Here's a thought.

 

What if that "reason" that someone cheats is something INSIDE OF THEMSELVES???

 

I think that a LOT of times the common "factor" inherent in spouses who cheat vs those that don't is an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and selfishness. There doesn't always have to be some crippling disease eating away at the marriage...other than this character flaw endemic to the spouse that cheated.

 

I don't think that this is an "all the time" thing...there are clearly many times when a marriage is in trouble and cheating occurs.

 

But I do believe that its also pretty common that the only "flaw" is that inherent selfishness and self-centeredness of the person who cheats.

 

MOW here too and this is a great post as usual Owl. Even though my A was a revenge A, it still contained the same dynamics. I did feel entitled to do it as a selfish reason to make myself feel better about myself post d-day. Sick yes, very. I am working on myself everyday to understand more about my lack of self control and poor boundaries.

[spriggig]

Perhaps it's not only about quality but also quantity. He liked what he had, but the two of you weren't able to generate enough to satisfy him.

 

Also, people crave different, not better, just different.

 

I agree with most everyone else here, he wouldn't have gone outside if there wasn't SOMETHING missing inside.

[BalenciagaSpain]

Affairs happen in happy marriages not because there is anything missing from the marriage but because there is something missing in the WS that not a spouse, an OW, a relationship or anyone else can fill.

I think this is true in my case. We had (I have now) a beautiful home, lovely friends and family, comfortable financially. If he wanted a new toy, he bought his toy. If he wanted to play golf, he played golf. If he wanted sex, he got all he could stand and then some. We had what I thought was a great relationship. When I asked him on d-day why, he had no answer, no complaints.

 

But it's possible that I didn't give him much time to think about it. There was less than 24 hours between d-day and locks being changed.

[broken12]

Thanks to everyone for all your responses. It's been a really helpful thread for me. Over the last few days, I have told fWS about most of them and it has initiated some worthwhile discussions. It is now firmly my belief that A's CAN happen in relationships where there is NOTHING missing. In cases such as these, however, something is very much missing within the WS. Sadly, I suspect it's something that is unlikely to be found in an A or anything else for that matter.

 

Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly what "it" is that's missing, I do know that it is something very, very selfish. Weird, one of the things that I loved about him before Dday was how selfLESS he was.

 

I don't dispute that A's happen MORE often in struggling relationships, indeed, before this happened to me, I would have assumed that that was ALWAYS the case. I guess that's why I felt so safe and why it's hit me so hard.

 

For anyone that still wants to insist that our relationship HAD to be lacking something, then, yes, it was lacking newness, enfatuation, butterflies when you get a text from SO and secrecy. All things that can't be maintained in a LTR.

[TaraMaiden]

For anyone that still wants to insist that our relationship HAD to be lacking something, then, yes, it was lacking newness, enfatuation, butterflies when you get a text from SO and secrecy. All things that can't be maintained in a LTR.

 

I disagree.

 

I still get butterflies when I get a text from my SO - 6 years down the line.

 

They can't be maintained in their original state - but they can be replaced, stimulated, reproduced and re-invented.

It takes constant effort and commitment to keep things alive.

In this case, I guess there was complacency, taking things for granted, and frankly, probably laziness.

I'm not having a go. It's all too common.

people don't realise that just like a fine piece of priceless machinery, a relationship needs constant maintenance, overhauling, a fresh lick of paint and a good spring clean, now and then.

If complacency sets in, so does boredom.

 

So by the sound of it, your BF was bored.

[broken12]

I disagree.

 

I still get butterflies when I get a text from my SO - 6 years down the line.

 

They can't be maintained in their original state - but they can be replaced, stimulated, reproduced and re-invented.

It takes constant effort and commitment to keep things alive.

In this case, I guess there was complacency, taking things for granted, and frankly, probably laziness.

I'm not having a go. It's all too common.

people don't realise that just like a fine piece of priceless machinery, a relationship needs constant maintenance, overhauling, a fresh lick of paint and a good spring clean, now and then.

If complacency sets in, so does boredom.

 

So by the sound of it, your BF was bored.

 

How dare you judge my relationship with so many assumptions. HE WAS NOT BORED, he was just selfish. It happens. She was attractive and he was weak. We have both worked very hard at our relationship and there was NO laziness. WE WERE HAPPY.

 

TBQH your response has finally tipped the balance for me. I came to LS looking for some support, and I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion but this sort of reponse isn't support. This response is basically accusing me of neglecting my relationship and so causing my fWS to have an A. Sadly there are way too many people on LS like yourself and I've found too many responses that make me feel even worse about my situation than I already do. I'm off. I don't know where I'll go for support - we can't afford counselling, but there's been one too many unhelpful and accusatory responses on this forum.

 

Many thanks to the few unjudgmental and encouraging LS'ers. Such a shame this place is spoilt by the rest.

[Spark1111]

Thanks to everyone for all your responses. It's been a really helpful thread for me. Over the last few days, I have told fWS about most of them and it has initiated some worthwhile discussions. It is now firmly my belief that A's CAN happen in relationships where there is NOTHING missing. In cases such as these, however, something is very much missing within the WS. Sadly, I suspect it's something that is unlikely to be found in an A or anything else for that matter.

 

Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly what "it" is that's missing, I do know that it is something very, very selfish. Weird, one of the things that I loved about him before Dday was how selfLESS he was.

 

I don't dispute that A's happen MORE often in struggling relationships, indeed, before this happened to me, I would have assumed that that was ALWAYS the case. I guess that's why I felt so safe and why it's hit me so hard.

 

For anyone that still wants to insist that our relationship HAD to be lacking something, then, yes, it was lacking newness, enfatuation, butterflies when you get a text from SO and secrecy. All things that can't be maintained in a LTR.

 

Broken, you have a good head on your shoulders and a very strong sense of self. I think you and your husband will be fine. KEEP TALKING!

 

Your bolded line may be your best clue as to the WHY of it all. I too was selfless and self-sacrificing to a fault. IC, or if you cannot afford, reading and researching web sites together will help you put humpty-dumpty together again.

 

Google, "Dr. Shirly Glass." She is considered one of the early day gurus of infidelity and I found her work wonderfully supportive.

 

She started her infidelity research when she discovered a man,a loving, wonderful and devoted husband, stepping outside one of the best marriages she knew of.

 

Yes, it does happen.

 

Peace to you and your husband.

[TaraMaiden]

:laugh:

Ah dear.....!

 

Oh please, climb off the horse hunny!

 

If you read my post again, I'm talking about ALL relationships, not yours specifically!

 

But if he was selfish, it means he didn't have enough interest in you both - as a unit - to address the reasons for his selfishness. It means his interest wandered and was attracted to elsewhere. It means his attention wandered, because something else pulled him to it.

it was exciting, different, attractive and stimulating.

 

if that isn't a sign of his boredom, I don't know what is.

 

You can call him selfish all you like, but it takes 2 to tango. It takes two to maintain a relationship, and it takes two to keep all the plates spinning and everything balanced.

If he has to bear the BLAME for his actions, you yourself have to bear the responsibility for failing to bring to the table whatever it was that you didn't bring. And I don't know what that was, but we all do it.

This is a common thing to all relationships that stumble like this.

I've been divorced, I've had break ups and I know what cheating does to a relationship, and why.

 

Please try to see:

The relationship you felt was so perfect was anything but.

 

I'm sorry you decided to take umbrage at my post, but I think you also need to face the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, anywhere.

The only way a relationship maintains any level of unity, togetherness, harmony and serenity - is if the couple keep up the constant work required to make it so.

[TaraMaiden]

I think this is so wide off the mark, I think you might be in for a head-slap too.