Reasons A's start despite being in an already good relationship

[broken12]

A question for WS's, xWS's and BS's that have gained more insight than I have.

 

I've talked about this loads with my xWS. We had a really lovely relationship. NOTHING missing. xWS agrees. Now I can understand how the A BECAME addictive. He says he wanted to finish it every day, but always wanted just 1 more day of texting. What I don't understand and would really like to hear, is why START an A if you've got something really good at home? Why would you risk what you know to be really good for someone you know very little about? What is the pull? What is it that is so strong that it makes a really lovely person do something that he now considers to be absolutely hideous? In my case, my xWS got himself into an EA that was almost totally just texts so, although he admits he fancied her, the PULL wasn't uncontrollable lust (which I could imagine in some cases). He says he thought they could have a secret platonic friendship. Of course it turned into something very unplatonic (as in undying love and wanting to be together), but WHY start? What is the draw that gives a WS (who is a really lovely person) the green light to knowingly hurt beyond belief their BS who, at the very least, they are very fond of.

 

My xWS has tried really hard to explain, and we talk for hours because he knows I have to, but he can't put it into words. He says he doesn't understand it himself. He says he genuinely believed it would be purely platonic and that he would never let anything happen. BUT, he still knew it would hurt me even if nothing ever did happen so why start? What is SO appealing that it is more important than the fact that it would hurt somebody like me so badly? Like I say, I'm not talking about the appeal of the situation once an A gets fully underway, but what is it that makes a really good man, in a really good relationship, START an A?

 

Please don't say he's not telling me everything, because I have already chosen to believe his version of events and that's not the issue here.

[Spark1111]

I think they like the ego boost? The attention and flattery? From someone new who does not know all the warts and wrinkles in their history and personality?

 

And they can re-invent themselves in this adoration and attention; be the hero, the funny one, sexy one, the strong and powerful one, or whatever they are NOT feeling in their "real" life.

 

And I think they make the mistake of believing they can control it and keep it compartmentalized while they grow more and more addicted to it.

 

And that's the slippery slope they fall down.

 

If he can identify the way she made him FEEL about himself, you will have your best clue as to what he felt was lacking, either withim himself or within the relationship.

 

Yes, affairs CAN happen in very good marriages.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, you can believe his version of events all you want, but the reality is that if your marriage was that great, and he was that happy, he never would have strayed to begin with.

 

It really IS as simple as that.

 

Rationalizations go a LONG way in staying with a cheater, but don't forget the most simple explanation is often the best one.

[ladydesigner]

Well, you can believe his version of events all you want, but the reality is that if your marriage was that great, and he was that happy, he never would have strayed to begin with.

 

It really IS as simple as that.

 

Rationalizations go a LONG way in staying with a cheater, but don't forget the most simple explanation is often the best one.

 

I agree with this. I never once thought about cheating in my entire life until my M hit a distress point. Of course I would have rather seen a different turn of events, gone to MC first, etc, etc etc. The thing is we were both to blame for the downfall. I know some of my actions led to his actions which led to the demise.

 

I know some say that a M doesn't have to be bad in order for one to cheat, I am just not buying it.

[Spark1111]

Well, you can believe his version of events all you want, but the reality is that if your marriage was that great, and he was that happy, he never would have strayed to begin with.

 

It really IS as simple as that.

 

Rationalizations go a LONG way in staying with a cheater, but don't forget the most simple explanation is often the best one.

 

Disagree here, JB. It's a bit too simplistic for me.

 

There are no perfect marriages.

 

If he and I are in the same unhappy relationship, why didn't I cheat?

 

Why do the 50% not cheat?

 

Hence, something is amiss within the cheater. It is their issue, mostly.

 

Not always. Sometimes it is the relationship, but you would assume both would be aware and it would at least be a discussion.

[norajane]

Ego strokes, validation from someone other than a spouse, wanting to feel like he "still got it!", it feels gooood to be flattered by someone's attention - combined with poor impulse control and shallow integrity and weak boundary setting. And lack of thinking it through to potential consequences.

 

And compartmentalization. Basically, it was fun for him and made him feel good, and he thought a bit of fun wouldn't hurt you or the marriage any because it wasn't about you. It was about HIM. Selfish desire to feel admired and sexy.

 

40 year old boys going on 15. They succumb to their immature and self-centered thinking, leaving you out of the equation.

[Snowflower]

A question for WS's, xWS's and BS's that have gained more insight than I have.

 

I've talked about this loads with my xWS. We had a really lovely relationship. NOTHING missing. xWS agrees. Now I can understand how the A BECAME addictive. He says he wanted to finish it every day, but always wanted just 1 more day of texting. What I don't understand and would really like to hear, is why START an A if you've got something really good at home? Why would you risk what you know to be really good for someone you know very little about? What is the pull? What is it that is so strong that it makes a really lovely person do something that he now considers to be absolutely hideous? In my case, my xWS got himself into an EA that was almost totally just texts so, although he admits he fancied her, the PULL wasn't uncontrollable lust (which I could imagine in some cases). He says he thought they could have a secret platonic friendship. Of course it turned into something very unplatonic (as in undying love and wanting to be together), but WHY start? What is the draw that gives a WS (who is a really lovely person) the green light to knowingly hurt beyond belief their BS who, at the very least, they are very fond of.

 

My xWS has tried really hard to explain, and we talk for hours because he knows I have to, but he can't put it into words. He says he doesn't understand it himself. He says he genuinely believed it would be purely platonic and that he would never let anything happen. BUT, he still knew it would hurt me even if nothing ever did happen so why start? What is SO appealing that it is more important than the fact that it would hurt somebody like me so badly? Like I say, I'm not talking about the appeal of the situation once an A gets fully underway, but what is it that makes a really good man, in a really good relationship, START an A?

 

Please don't say he's not telling me everything, because I have already chosen to believe his version of events and that's not the issue here.

 

I'm not quite sure what you're asking here.

 

No one except your H can tell you why he cheated, especially if he was "happy" in your marriage.

 

What advice are you seeking from LS? That affairs happen no matter what state the marriage is in? Well, sure they do...it has little to do with actual marriage relationship. It's why I think it is the issues of the partner who cheats more than the relationship that they are in.

 

IMO, people in happy relationships who cheat have even more serious issues and hurdles to overcome. Why, why, why would they spoil a good thing?

 

That type of behavior speaks of serious issues within the WS, IMO.

[Jilly Bean]

Disagree here, JB. It's a bit too simplistic for me.

 

There are no perfect marriages.

 

If he and I are in the same unhappy relationship, why didn't I cheat?

 

Why do the 50% not cheat?

 

Hence, something is amiss within the cheater. It is their issue, mostly.

 

Not always. Sometimes it is the relationship, but you would assume both would be aware and it would at least be a discussion.

 

I agree there are no perfect marriages, Spark.

 

And why does one person cheat and not the other? Because I think some people are just wired to be able to do that. Others aren't. Cheaters aren't very good at managing conflict and vocalizing disappointment, which is why they usually end up cheating. You sound more like me - you would find your voice and discuss problems before they got out of hand.

 

But, I think most cheaters would be the type to let their spouse assume everything was fine and dandy. Remember, being a cheater means you possess the ability to lie and deceive very well. That means a cheater excels at fooling their spouse to the extent of hiding an affair, and hiding any dissatisfaction within the marriage to begin with. This is why most BS's claim they are shocked their spouse cheated, and why, to answer your point, there is never a discussion about issues or unhappiness in advance.

 

I think cheaters are unhappy in their marriages, lack the ability or desire to discuss it with the spouse, so they end up having affairs.

[Snowflower]

I agree there are no perfect marriages, Spark.

 

And why does one person cheat and not the other? Because I think some people are just wired to be able to do that. Others aren't. Cheaters aren't very good at managing conflict and vocalizing disappointment, which is why they usually end up cheating. You sound more like me - you would find your voice and discuss problems before they got out of hand.

 

But, I think most cheaters would be the type to let their spouse assume everything was fine and dandy. Remember, being a cheater means you possess the ability to lie and deceive very well. That means a cheater excels at fooling their spouse to the extent of hiding an affair, and hiding any dissatisfaction within the marriage to begin with. This is why most BS's claim they are shocked their spouse cheated, and why, to answer your point, there is never a discussion about issues or unhappiness in advance.

 

I think cheaters are unhappy in their marriages, lack the ability or desire to discuss it with the spouse, so they end up having affairs.

 

Nice post.

 

I agree with most of it...except that I knew my pre-A marriage had serious issues but I was still shocked when my H had an A. I think many other BS can agree.

 

So I guess I can't really answer the question for the OP because it simply wasn't my situation. However, if my marriage had been really good before the A, I likely wouldn't have been able to reconcile.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I'll throw my usual opinion in, here and see whether it makes any sense to the OP....

 

Humans are not programmed naturally, to be faithful. We are by nature, not a monogamous species.

If we were, We would be.

Very, but very few mammals are naturally monogamous, or have a propensity to stick with one single partner, for life.

 

Desire is a natural impulse.

 

But fidelity is a conscious conditioned decision we make.

Some people - when they marry - make that commitment.

But they can't step up to the plate and keep to that.

People can put all sorts of reasons forward as to why they decided to stray from a relationship, but actually - do you know what the bottom line was?

 

They had an affair because they wanted to.

They felt like it.

 

Nobody held a gun to their head.

It didn't just 'happen'.

The people having an affair made a conscious decision to have an affair.

They knew the deal. they knew they were married.

They knew they had made vows, in front of witnesses, to remain faithful.

They're not stupid, or suffering from amnesia.

They're having sex with someone other than their SO - because it's something they consciously chose to do.

Freely. Willingly and enthusiastically.

 

Now:

Some people never cheat.

But this is a conscious, deliberate decision.

they have high moral values, they consider cheating to be unthinkable, and do not want to do something of this kind, to jeopardise their relationships, marriages or reputations.

Maybe their parents cheated, and they are more than ever determined to NEVER go down that road.

Maybe their parents had a long, happy, devoted and faithful marriage, and they take that as an example.

But it's all a conditioned (socially, morally, religiously, ethically imposed, whatever) decision.

Sexual attraction is unpredictable.

Sexual desire is hard to fight.

Some people just don't want to fight it.

 

If you're with someone who might have a tendency to 'sleep around' then you simply have to decide whether this is an acceptable trait, or not.

Your own morals would seem to dictate what you think is acceptable. Because he's already exhibited his own decisions and viewpoint.

 

In my opinion.

[norajane]

They had an affair because they wanted to.

They felt like it.

 

Nobody held a gun to their head.

It didn't just 'happen'.

The people having an affair made a conscious decision to have an affair.

They knew the deal. they knew they were married.

They knew they had made vows, in front of witnesses, to remain faithful.

They're not stupid, or suffering from amnesia.

They're having sex with someone other than their SO - because it's something they consciously chose to do.

Freely. Willingly and enthusiastically.

 

I call that the "entitlement factor". Some people feel entitled to what they want, when they want it, and choose not to care how that may impact anyone else as long as they get what they want.

[TaraMaiden]

I think they care - but only after the event.

It's guilt-driven care.

Rather like Ol' Tiger Woods, with the minutely choreographed, meticulously planned and carefully staged press conference and public apology, remorse and shameful regret.

Yeah.

Because you got caught at it.

Desire is stronger than conscience.

Or will-power.

 

It's definitely extremely selfish.

[broken12]

I think they like the ego boost? The attention and flattery? From someone new who does not know all the warts and wrinkles in their history and personality?

 

And they can re-invent themselves in this adoration and attention; be the hero, the funny one, sexy one, the strong and powerful one, or whatever they are NOT feeling in their "real" life.

 

And I think they make the mistake of believing they can control it and keep it compartmentalized while they grow more and more addicted to it.

 

And that's the slippery slope they fall down.

 

If he can identify the way she made him FEEL about himself, you will have your best clue as to what he felt was lacking, either withim himself or within the relationship.

 

Yes, affairs CAN happen in very good marriages.

 

Thanks, Spark. Although I still see what you're describing as the good feelings that you might get once you're embroiled in an affair. What I'm trying to get my head around (and not describing very well!) is what makes you take that first step (in my xWS's case, the exchanging of mobile phone numbers). He KNEW he had a good relationship already and knew very little about the OW but was willing to gamble everything he had....for what? He had no idea (at that point) how it would turn out, except that he was determined to not let it get sexual (which he stuck to). Why would anyone risk something so good for something so unknown?

 

However, I liked your idea of asking xWS how OW made him feel. I ask him so many different slants on the A that it was one angle I hadn't thought of. So I asked him. She made hime feel like a knight in shining armour, rescuing her from her evil husband (by text)and supporting her through hospital appointments (by text) while her H was conspicuously absent. I don't really know how our relationship could have filled a need in him like that. I didn't have an evil husband or any hospital appointments......I was just happy

[norajane]

Well, you have an evil husband now, so to speak. Let him rescue you from that husband. Let him be your knight in shining armor.

 

It sounds like she made him feel protective of her, like HE was the strong one and she looked up to him and made him feel like the big Man. That's the ego validation he wanted and got from her.

 

How are you at playing big-eyed-waif-caught-in-the-rain-with-a-kitten-in-need-of-rescuing? Are you the strong one in your relationship?

[broken12]

Well, you can believe his version of events all you want, but the reality is that if your marriage was that great, and he was that happy, he never would have strayed to begin with.

 

It really IS as simple as that.

 

Rationalizations go a LONG way in staying with a cheater, but don't forget the most simple explanation is often the best one.

 

I'm sorry JB, but what I'm learning very fast is that there is NOTHING simple about the psychology of affairs.

 

TBH that is is exactly what I always believed - my xH had A's and they were very much a symptom of an unhappy M. I believed exactly the same as you so after D-day my xWS and I spent hours talking about it - I desperately wanted to know what aspects of our relationship he had been unhappy with that I was clearly totally unaware of. After hours and hours of talking, do you know what he came up with......1) he didn't like one of my cardigans and 2) he didn't like the taste of my toothpaste. That TRULY was the extent of his dissatisfaction.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think that many (probably most) A's happen in strained relationships but I KNOW that our relationship was good. I was there.

[broken12]

Well, you have an evil husband now, so to speak. Let him rescue you from that husband. Let him be your knight in shining armor.

 

It sounds like she made him feel protective of her, like HE was the strong one and she looked up to him and made him feel like the big Man. That's the ego validation he wanted and got from her.

 

How are you at playing big-eyed-waif-caught-in-the-rain-with-a-kitten-in-need-of-rescuing? Are you the strong one in your relationship?

 

Yes, NJ, I guess I was the strongER one in the relationship. Unfortunately we're both pretty waif-like now so although I could sure do with some rescuing right now, he's not really in much of a fit state to fling me on to the back of his trusty steed - he feels so ashamed about what he did and so sad about what we've lost.

[delirious]

............

 

Please don't say he's not telling me everything, because I have already chosen to believe his version of events and that's not the issue here.

 

OKay so you want us to tell you, but you don't want to hear it. Nobody but nobody feelings uncontrolable urges over just texting, rubbish. They would have to be a complete BB. You say he is your ex then you have to face the truth that he is trying not to hurt you anymore, what is the point.

 

I am an OW and the urge I had to see my MM was addictive, like I would have to talk to him/see him otherwise I would be going crazy but it was not platonic. It was real romantic love for me. That is what love does to you, but highly unlikely it was just texting. You are asking what the pull was, it was love. Now we can talk forever about the types of love there are but some types of love are completely obsessive hence why lots of people do drastic and silly things, shoot each other, run off together leaving everyone behind, kill themselves, shall I go on?

[Fight4Me]

I think everybody here has a little bit of truth in what they post, but I'm more in agreement with Spark (as usual).

 

There's also a different variable that can occur, like in our case, when a major health crisis hit me. It was taking its toll on all of us, but it was especially hitting my husband hard. In hindsight, I can't count the number of times I received an encouraging phone call or card, but only once did anyone ask how my husband was doing. I did what I could at the time to praise him and express my appreciation, but that only goes so far. Yes, he should have sought out a support group, or vocalized his need to our church, but alas, along came OW who became a warped variation of therapy. It was short-lived and ended when he told me, but the damage was done.

 

If there's anything good that came out of this, it is that my fWH has become a completely selfless man, not because he feels the need to perform penance, either. He had an epiphany and out of the blue confessed to me that during our entire marriage, he believed he should be getting something in return for every act of kindness on his part. He was also not a patient man, so when this crisis did not resolve itself in a timely manner, he grew inwardly resentful. I would not be with him today if he had not expressed such broken remorse and turned his life around. When your own children notice the change and openly express their gratitude for it, let alone yourself, then there is such great hope for a lifelong marriage of true give and take.

 

This may not be specifically helpful to the OP, but maybe someone else is reading who has gone through something similar and needs encouragement.

[Jilly Bean]

I desperately wanted to know what aspects of our relationship he had been unhappy with that I was clearly totally unaware of. After hours and hours of talking, do you know what he came up with......1) he didn't like one of my cardigans and 2) he didn't like the taste of my toothpaste. That TRULY was the extent of his dissatisfaction.

 

Wow. You really believe the reason your husband had an affair was because of a sweater and mint?

[broken12]

OKay so you want us to tell you, but you don't want to hear it. Nobody but nobody feelings uncontrolable urges over just texting, rubbish. They would have to be a complete BB. You say he is your ex then you have to face the truth that he is trying not to hurt you anymore, what is the point.

 

I am an OW and the urge I had to see my MM was addictive, like I would have to talk to him/see him otherwise I would be going crazy but it was not platonic. It was real romantic love for me. That is what love does to you, but highly unlikely it was just texting. You are asking what the pull was, it was love. Now we can talk forever about the types of love there are but some types of love are completely obsessive hence why lots of people do drastic and silly things, shoot each other, run off together leaving everyone behind, kill themselves, shall I go on?

 

It WAS just texting. Text A's happen all the time. Do you dispute ALL of them? He's not my ex. we're still together. When I call him my xWS, I mean he's not being W anymore! Sorry, maybe I 've got the terminology wrong! I have no doubt that part of the pull was that he believed it to be love when he got stuck into it (like 200 texts a day into it), my question is, what starts an A (in particular an EA) at the beginning, before the love starts, when it's all a complete unknown, when what you do know is really good and waiting for you at home?

[norajane]

my question is, what starts an A (in particular an EA) at the beginning, before the love starts, when it's all a complete unknown, when what you do know is really good and waiting for you at home?

 

The excitement. The flattery of admiring attention from someone other than their spouse. The illicit nature of it even adds to the excitement and heightens the flush of ego.

 

You have to understand this isn't about YOU or what the state of your marriage was at the time. This is ALL about your H and his state of self-serving wants at the time.

 

Flirtation is FUN. It feels good. He started it because it felt good to have a woman flirting with him, and he thought it would be harmless. And he became addicted to the FUN and ego validation.

[broken12]

I think everybody here has a little bit of truth in what they post, but I'm more in agreement with Spark (as usual).

 

There's also a different variable that can occur, like in our case, when a major health crisis hit me. It was taking its toll on all of us, but it was especially hitting my husband hard. In hindsight, I can't count the number of times I received an encouraging phone call or card, but only once did anyone ask how my husband was doing. I did what I could at the time to praise him and express my appreciation, but that only goes so far. Yes, he should have sought out a support group, or vocalized his need to our church, but alas, along came OW who became a warped variation of therapy. It was short-lived and ended when he told me, but the damage was done.

 

If there's anything good that came out of this, it is that my fWH has become a completely selfless man, not because he feels the need to perform penance, either. He had an epiphany and out of the blue confessed to me that during our entire marriage, he believed he should be getting something in return for every act of kindness on his part. He was also not a patient man, so when this crisis did not resolve itself in a timely manner, he grew inwardly resentful. I would not be with him today if he had not expressed such broken remorse and turned his life around. When your own children notice the change and openly express their gratitude for it, let alone yourself, then there is such great hope for a lifelong marriage of true give and take.

 

This may not be specifically helpful to the OP, but maybe someone else is reading who has gone through something similar and needs encouragement.

 

Thanks, F4M, it is helpful, we lost our only child at 11 days old 2 years ago. We had a similar scenario of endless support for me, the mother, but just about every time anyone approached fWS it was to ask how I was doing - maybe the A (also short-lived) was a similar warped form of therapy.

[broken12]

Wow. You really believe the reason your husband had an affair was because of a sweater and mint?

 

Clearly not! My point was, there was NOTHING wrong.

[Spark1111]

The excitement. The flattery of admiring attention from someone other than their spouse. The illicit nature of it even adds to the excitement and heightens the flush of ego.

 

You have to understand this isn't about YOU or what the state of your marriage was at the time. This is ALL about your H and his state of self-serving wants at the time.

 

Flirtation is FUN. It feels good. He started it because it felt good to have a woman flirting with him, and he thought it would be harmless. And he became addicted to the FUN and ego validation.

 

Agree with this, broken12.

 

It starts with a little misttp of the marital boundary, something the WS feels is harmless and inconsequential....

 

But it develops into a million little steps, all taken with justifications that end up with, what she (the BS) doesn't know can't hurt her.

 

It IS addicting, and wrong, and has devastating consequences that I believe the cheater never examines until a DDAy, because they have come to fully believe they will never get caught. But most are....

 

Okay, my H had a Knight In Shining Armor affair with a real damsel in distress.

 

It is a diversion; instead of saving yourself through hard work of introspection and therapy, you get attracted to saving another.

 

There is some great literature out there about what causes the KISA Syndrome, and the personality types of the "rescuees."

 

It is all childhood related, NOT marriage related. (Let me see if I can find the title of the book.) The two of you should maybe read it together.

[2sure]

Affairs happen in happy marriages not because there is anything missing from the marriage but because there is something missing in the WS that not a spouse, an OW, a relationship or anyone else can fill.