smk Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 So basically I am sitting here facing a huge dilemma… Some of you may know my story some may not – so in a nutshell here it is… Met the most amazing girl ever 6 months ago and we fell head over heels in love with each other. Anyways cut a long story short her dad is racist and basically gave her an ultimatum that is he decided to continue the relationship he would never speak to her again, etc… used a lot of emotional blackmail, basically gave her a guilt trip. She has always wanted his approval and is very close to him and basically she broke things off. Its been a month today, I wont lie I have not managed to do NC – she normally phones me up and I end up answering. I have been a complete train wreck the last 4 weeks, lots of booze, very little sleep, and basically my has turned upside down. Anyways here I am sitting here today and have been battling a thought in my head for the last few weeks and now I am determined as ever to do it. I want to phone her up and ask her if she still has any feelings for me and if she still loves me, and meant everything she said to me (we were talking marriage, had our whole lives planned, etc…)… anyways I want to phone her up and tell her that if she agrees and allows me to speak to her dad just to convey my feelings, he has never met me and judged me based solely on my skin colour. I can’t picture my life without her and really want to be with her. I know that if we did get back together it would mean me going against my family, simply because they thought that she should have at least given the relationship a fighting chance before allowing me to speak to her dad. Anyways I will deal with my side of the family. However if she truly meant all the things she said to me then I don’t see why she would have an issue with me going and speaking to her dad one on one. I will tell her that she can pretend all along that she had no idea I was going to do this, but I think its really important for me him to meet me and hear what I have to say…. I know I can do this without her approval but I somehow want her to know that I am still willing to fight for our love, for what we once had till my last breath… I also know that if I do this and it backfires and she says she has no feelings etc… I will feel even worse, but I just really want to do this….
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I agree with your family. Look, I can tell you're a smart guy so you know this is a bad idea. I can also tell that you are at the point of no return. My advice is no contact.
Author smk Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I agree with your family. Look, I can tell you're a smart guy so you know this is a bad idea. I can also tell that you are at the point of no return. My advice is no contact. i know that it is a bad idea and I could just end up opening a can of worms - I have this urge to ask the man what his issue is... All I wanted was to give his daughter every happiness that she deserves in life, even if that mean sacrificing my own joys and happiness... There is a part of me that knows not to do it, yet there is another part that is saying **** it and that I have nothing else left to lose. Also the fact that I have given up smoking doesnt help...LOL... I am at this point today where I just find it so hard to fathom how she could just give up so easily on what we had.... I have not been great with NC but am now at 50hrs - she phoned last night and I didnt answer... I just miss her so much today. I cant stop thinking about her....
Ronni_W Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I have this urge to ask the man what his issue is... You ALREADY know what his "issue" is. He is a racist; he judges people by the colour of their skin and holds certain skin colours inferior to others. If you do end up making an appointment to meet with him, I would STRONGLY urge you to at least tell your ex that you're planning to do it. Not necessarily to ask for her permission but to inform her ahead of time...so that she does not feel blindsided or betrayed, later. You also want to make sure to protect her from possible negative fall-out. He may become...anything from rude to violent towards you and/or her. You don't know the man, or the degree of his racism. If she discourages you, keep in mind that she knows her father. Make the assumption that if she wanted to be with you AND if she thought that your meeting him would help matters, then she most definitely would let you know to go ahead and do it. I am at this point today where I just find it so hard to fathom how she could just give up so easily on what we had....What is your evidence that she "just gave up so easily"??? If you do not have personal experience with, or very intimate knowledge of, being threatened by one's own parent to be disowned, then I'd encourage you to not judge her too early or too harshly. (That's just exactly what her dad did to you, isn't it? -- It sucks no matter who is doing it.) I'm sorry that you and your ex are the victims of racism. We can really just hold high hopes that some day, this issue will have disappeared from our planet. Hugs.
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 When she calls what do you talk about? I understand your point of view in thinking what more harm can be done. Part of me says go for it. The other part of me thinks you should stay no contact. I'm just not sure what kind of mess might be created if you approach the father. It could be disasterous.
Author smk Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 You ALREADY know what his "issue" is. He is a racist; he judges people by the colour of their skin and holds certain skin colours inferior to others. Hey Ronni - I know what you mean - its just I wish that I had the chance to meet him in person once before he judged me - I guess sometimes people form these opinions and there is nothing you can do about it. The confusing part is that when she first told him about me he, he said that he was happy that she had met someone and was thinking of settling down etc... Then all of a sudden he flips... If you do end up making an appointment to meet with him, I would STRONGLY urge you to at least tell your ex that you're planning to do it. Not necessarily to ask for her permission but to inform her ahead of time...so that she does not feel blindsided or betrayed, later. You also want to make sure to protect her from possible negative fall-out. He may become...anything from rude to violent towards you and/or her. You don't know the man, or the degree of his racism. If she discourages you, keep in mind that she knows her father. Make the assumption that if she wanted to be with you AND if she thought that your meeting him would help matters, then she most definitely would let you know to go ahead and do it. Again I know where yo are coming from - I would never go to see him without her knowing. I said it to her countless times before we broke up when we had our first discussion about the issue and apparently at that point he had simply told her that he did not even want to hear my name mentioned in the house and wanted to hear nothing of it. From what she has told me I know that it would cause her problems if I did meet him, with or without her knowledge and I cant bear to do that to her. I just wish that she would have had a little bit more strength to stand up for what she feels makes her happy. What is your evidence that she "just gave up so easily"??? I going through the rollercoaster at the moment and when I wrote that out I was at the anger stage. Maybe this is selfish of me, but towards the end and over the last month she has just switched off completely - in the sense the way she talks to me and everything was like I was a distant stranger. Even after all of that she still initiates contact every couple of days. I am really tempted to phone her today, I know I shouldnt but I want to, I want her to know that I will be there for her, her dad is still here for another 2 weeks, and there is a part of me that knows she wont defy him, but there is a part of me that still has that hope that maybe if I stick by her, talk to her everyday, be there for her then maybe she will stand up to him. And I know that this is false hope for me and that I maybe setting myself up for even more failure, but there is a part of that just wants to tell her that I still love her and always will. If you do not have personal experience with, or very intimate knowledge of, being threatened by one's own parent to be disowned, then I'd encourage you to not judge her too early or too harshly. (That's just exactly what her dad did to you, isn't it? -- It sucks no matter who is doing it.) I'm sorry that you and your ex are the victims of racism. We can really just hold high hopes that some day, this issue will have disappeared from our planet. The irony of the situation is that my sister and her husband went through exactly the same thing, his parents even though they are the same skin colour refused to accept her because they wanted him to marry a girl of their choice and he stood up to them, it took them 5 years to finally accept my sister and start speaking to their own son, but as someone once said, love does conquer all. So to a certain extent I do know from first hand how tough it is. I also understand that it is easier for a guy to stand up to his family as opposed to a girl, but its just so hard losing the person you love due to no fault of either of you, due to someone ignorant persons viewpoint, it makes my blood boil...
Author smk Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 When she calls what do you talk about? I understand your point of view in thinking what more harm can be done. Part of me says go for it. The other part of me thinks you should stay no contact. I'm just not sure what kind of mess might be created if you approach the father. It could be disasterous. Hey AC - I have kept the convo's quite brief. The last time I spoke on saturday was because she was really worried about me, so she called to check on me and to make sure that I was keeping well. Then she was telling me about her parents finding her a flat mate and stuff like that. I kept away from talking about the relationship but after a while it just becomes so hard for me not to express my feelings to her. Again I am in the same place, I know what the consequences could be for her if I did speak to him, with or without her knowledge but there is a part of that says to just go for it. Even with the NC right now its so difficult because I want her to know that I am there for her and that I am willing to fight for us and I will give her the strength and support she needs, but I need her to want to fight to... Her parents are still here for another 2 weeks and maybe if I still keep contact then it might give her the support she needs, but then again it could go the other way... I dont know... To top it off the emotions are going mad, I havent slept more than a couple of hours in like 4 weeks now, I have just given up smoking so I am all over the damn place...
Ronni_W Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I just wish that she would have had a little bit more strength to stand up for what she feels makes her happy. How much you wanna bet that she wishes that exact same thing? Some people, men and women, they do find the kind of courage needed to stand firm against their parent(s), at some point in their lives. But they could be 20, 50 or 80 before they do. And some people just can't ever find it in themselves. It is about you accepting AND LOVING her current-day weaknesses and limitations, too. Otherwise, it is just half-love; just loving her for her strengths and positives...and not ALL of who she is, as she is today. Have you two talked about you maybe writing a letter to him? Maybe that could be a fair compromise? (Again, though, I would give her opinion more weight than your own desires. Hers will have been tempered with intellect, where yours sound as if they are almost-purely emotion-driven. Discernment requires logic first.) its just so hard losing the person you love due to no fault of either of you, due to someone ignorant persons viewpoint, it makes my blood boil...Yeah, I know it is. But you might want to reconsider allowing yourself to have "boiling blood" due to the ignoramuses on this planet. That is not good for YOUR physical, mental, emotional or spiritual health, and it gives them power over you that you ought not give to them. IMO.
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I'm not sure what to tell you because your situation seems a little different from the typical breakup. Do you think you'll have a better chance getting her back after her parents leave? If you go NC for 30 or 60 days it might make her realize how needed you are in her life. That's based on the fact she keeps calling you to check in. However, just because she cares for you doesn't mean she wants to get back together. I'm assuming she still cares because she calls you. If I were you I might ask her to go to coffee to chat about everything including the idea of you talking to her father. If she declines, I would go NC forever. I know you love her, but she's causing you so much pain. You don't hurt someone you truly love.
Author smk Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Ronni I understand why you're saying, right now it's my emotions that are controlling me and they are not completely rational.... Am in between this phase of depression, acceptance and anger... I did think about writing him a letter but again from what she has told me about him, he does not even want my name mentioned in the house, and the fact that he is only here in London for another 2 weeks means that's the only amount of time I have left. I have his telephone number here and have thought about telephoning him, but I don't know what ramifications that would have for her... And the last thing I was is to get her into more trouble. I do love her as whole, for her strengths and weaknesses and I just wish that she would let have let me be her strength because that's what relationships are about, you support each other in your weaknesses and share in your strengths. I would never disrespect her dad irrespective of what he thinks of me, and I just wish that I had the chance for once... She is quite firm that he will not meet me, whereas I am the sort of person who will stand up for my beliefs till my last breath, if I know that I am right then no one will change my views. I know and understand that this needs to be a 2 way effort, she needs to want this as well, it's the only way that I could stand up for her.... There's days I wish I could just end it all, what's the point???
Author smk Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Do you think you'll have a better chance getting her back after her parents leave? I wish - but I dont think so - she has made it very clear that she will never go against her dad's wishes, because if she did continue being with me and lying to them, then a few years down the road when we were ready to get married and her dad got upset at her because she lied to him, it would make things worse. There is also a flip side to this, where her dad may actually realize at that point that I am not a bad person and that I do truly love his daughter and want nothing but to keep her happy and give her everything joy and peace she deserves till the da I die. If you go NC for 30 or 60 days it might make her realize how needed you are in her life. That's based on the fact she keeps calling you to check in. Again I know what you mean, I remember the day before we officially broke it off, she said to me that she would not be able to see me or speak to me for a long tie because she had such strong feelings and it would make things difficult moving on, yet the most she has gone without contact is 2 days. And I have to admit I just messed up - I texted her saying "Hey, I hope you are well and that you and your family have enjoyed your mums B'Day - wish her from me" (its her mum's b'day today). However, just because she cares for you doesn't mean she wants to get back together. I'm assuming she still cares because she calls you. my biggest fear about keeping contact is that it wont let me move forward, I will always end up holding out some hope and maybe she has already switched off all her feelings for me, I know that would break me even more. I am at this point right now where I know everytime I speak to her I break a little more inside, each time I cant tell her how much I love her, each time I cant tell her that it will all be ok, it breaks a part of me. I also know how much hopefully repairable damage all of this has done to me in the last month. I seem to be completely broken, and the only solace I have is coming onto LS. As much as I want to speak to her I refrain, however whenever she calls and I see her name flash up on my phone my heart skips a beat and then a part of it just breaks apart because I know that maybe I will never be with her. I am now at this point where yes my emotions are running wild, but I also believe in destiny, and part of me believes that maybe someday in the future we will be together. I know this is the worst attitude to have because I will never move on thinking like that... If I were you I might ask her to go to coffee to chat about everything including the idea of you talking to her father. If she declines, I would go NC forever. I know you love her, but she's causing you so much pain. You don't hurt someone you truly love. I am contemplating meeting her for a coffee on Friday this week and hopefully chat about this one last time, and depending on the outcome of that either speak to her parents and maybe they may come around, or as a final thought go through complete NC until I am healed (god knows how long that will take). I never believed in love until I met her, and I remember her telling me one night that she will never leave me, or do anything to cause me pain because she had never felt the way I made her feel in her whole life. She said to me that for the first time in her life, she felt completely at peace and joy with her life and was completely content with what she had, and counted herself the luckiest girl to have me in her life (I am not blowing my trumpet here) but I believed her when she said those things, and here I am less than 6 weeks after those words came out of her mouth....
Author smk Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 The point of what? life? the point of everything... Anyways she just phoned and I know I should not have answered, but her parents are going back tomorrow afternoon.... Wow I was not expecting that.... I think I still need to have the chat with her and maybe I can phone them while they are back in Portugal.... She just sounded thoroughly pleased that they were going back... Why do I miss her so much...
Recommended Posts