Probably no future together, but still down

[archivist]

It's been 6 weeks since we've parted ways, 5 weeks of no contact. I tried for 1 week to get her back. If you are interested in more details its in my other post.

 

Today I stumbled on some info about her by mistake. It's natural that we have mutal friends after all this time, so dispite me not checking facebook or asking people I still sometimes get bits of information about her. She seems to be coping well, keping busy and spending time with people and making new friends.

 

During our 3.5 years realtionship I had my doubts about her, I could see sometimes we were incompatible but it wasn't all bad, I still cared very much for her. I never had it in me to break up with her, I was hoping my feelings would change or I stayed with it because it was comfortable.

 

At one point I hoped she would break up with me - then a few months later she actually did it. I just don't understand why I'm taking this so badly. The reality set in, the rejection of me, I miss her! Now I'm the one who is hurt and she seems fine. Why?

 

I have been very active, exercising, socialise during the week, my weekends are always busy, I have plenty of friends, I have a good job and my colleagues are all great, I've been to 3 countries since and I'm going to 2 more very soon but I can't seem to move on just yet.

 

This is so frustating, shes my second love I've lost so this is not new to me, admittedly this is not as bad as the first one. It seems like I'm doing all the right things but I'm not moving on.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, archivist.

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself? It's ONLY been six weeks, after a 3.5-year relationship. Even though you had your own doubts during, there still was hope that things would somehow improve. The loss of that hope is still a real loss; it still needs/deserves to be acknowledged, grieved, accepted and then let go.

 

When it comes to recovery, there is such a thing as making one's self too busy, when what may be more healing is to just sit with the feelings of loss and loneliness; to move through those feelings instead of trying to go around them. The busy-ness becomes a distraction (from the sad feelings) and serves to bury the sadness or allow us to ignore/pretend it away. It's suppressing, not healing.

 

Of course, not to allow one's self to get all down and depressed with the weight of our grief. But maybe...for example, give yourself 15 to 30 minutes a day to think or journal (however you prefer to reflect on) your feelings of loss, loneliness, sadness, disappointment, etc. Keep an intention/goal to heal and recover.

 

You could set a timer so you don't end up wallowing. When the timer goes off, get your ass to the gym or your friend's place and just carry on with those types of healing activities.

You could also set an end-date. Like, if you're still needing to do daily reflections in...4 to 6 weeks, then you will consider doing something else. (Don't worry at this point what that may be. Just leave it to be figured out in the future, if it will need to be figured out at all.)

 

Best of luck.

[archivist]

Thanks for your reply Ronni. You could be right, I might be to hard on myself.

 

I'm so conflicted right now, I should be glad she hasn't contacted me but part of me is wishing her to do so, the fact that she hasn't yet has left me bitter.

 

But what would we even talk about? If she called me right now and begged for us to give it another go I don't know how I would react. I miss her so much and would do anything to have her with me again. But in the back of my mind how long would it before before I start to have doubts about her again? Or how long will it be before she decides to move out again? Have we really learnt our lessons or had enough time to adjust ourselves to be better suited to each other? The answer is likely no, but I have a hard time convincing myself.

 

I didn't mean to make myself sound ridiculously busy; I just took a 2.5 week break and visited 3 countries very close to each other, and I'm due for more short weekend breaks in the next two months.

 

I sometimes reflect on things usually when I get home from work and just before bed. I come on here and read many of the threads which does help a whole lot. I've never thought about limiting my time in doing this. I think it would be too hard right now as shes still always on my mind. Despite that, on a more positive note, there is no more knot in my stomach or heart ache when I think about her, it definitely does not hurt any more. I think I miss the idea of her or the companionship more then anything else.

 

I guess my problem is there is this tiny sliver of hope lingering inside me which I can not put out. Looking on here I can't see any happy stories of couples re-conciliating, that alone should be disheartening.

 

No contact on my part has been very quick after the break up. I called her 3 times, couldn't get a meaningful conversation out of her and then finally spent one evening trying to beg her back. After that night I have not spoken a word to her. Sometimes I think maybe I need to push further with her, many people on here try and try until they drive either the ex or themselves insane. Only then do they take no contact seriously. Is that what I am missing to properly put this behind me? Could I have skipped a step which is delaying my recovery?

Edited July 12, 2010 by archivist

[Ronni_W]

Well...you could ask it a different way. Have YOU learned how to be with her exactly the way she used to be? That is, without any changes on her side, can YOU truly love, accept, tolerate and forgive all the stuff that used to give you doubts, and that had you kinda hoping that she'd break-up with you? Would you want to be in that relationship (again)?

 

Do you want a LOVE relationship that is passionate and inspirational...or are you ready to settle for a nice "companionship"?

 

If the answers come back 'no'...then it's 'NO', right? Then it's about being grateful for what was...and also being grateful for not having to live with those doubts and incompatibilities anymore; and being free to find the type of love relationship that you really want.

 

I get the inner conflict, though. That seems to also be an integral part of ending relationships like these; the "good enough but not great" ones. I think we should hold out for "GREAT!" -- but I get the fears and doubts that come along with that, too.

 

I sometimes reflect on things ... I've never thought about limiting my time in doing this. I think it would be too hard right now

IMO, all the more reason to limit yourself. It's also about gaining control of your own mind and being able to manage your own thoughts. I mean, obviously if you just allow yourself to keep thinking about her and keep missing her...then you will keep thinking about and missing her. Sort of a 'no brainer' outcome, when one thinks about it, yes?

 

I guess my problem is there is this tiny sliver of hope lingering inside me which I can not put out.

There again, you could just start being firmer with your 'hope'. Tell it that it is being unreasonable and unrealistic. Remind it of the incompatibilities and doubts. Promise it that you are going to find a much more suitable LOVE relationship in which it can truly blossom.

 

Sometimes I think maybe I need to push further with her, many people on here try and try until they drive either the ex or themselves insane. Only then do they take no contact seriously. Is that what I am missing to properly put this behind me? Could I have skipped a step which is delaying my recovery?

I honestly haven't yet read or heard that "drive yourself or your ex insane" is an actual/official step in the healing and recovery process

 

I think -- you'd be pushing for, and driving yourself insane over, something that you already know, deep-down, is less than you want for yourself. I mean...well, you know what I mean, yes?

 

I think that...it sounds as if maybe you've gone and talked yourself into looking back with some glasses that are just way too rose-tinted. I get that it's coming from inner conflict, fear, feelings of loneliness, etc. But it's still just self-deception that, unless you tame it, can also lead to some self-sabotaging.

 

On the other hand, if it was written that insane you must drive yourself, then so it must be done. Trust your own instinct, about that.

 

Hugs and best.