Author wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 he crossed a personal boundary and disrespected/disregarded your guidelines. is he always so trivial about what you want? does he usually do what he wants whether you're going to like it or not? Pretty much. he would do what he wanted and then just wait for me to get over it, and I always got over it- so I guess I taught him how to treat me.
Gunny376 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 he crossed a personal boundary and disrespected/disregarded your guidelines. is he always so trivial about what you want? does he usually do what he wants whether you're going to like it or not? I agree with the above!
2sunny Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Pretty much. he would do what he wanted and then just wait for me to get over it, and I always got over it- so I guess I taught him how to treat me. well, things have changed, yes? time for him to realize that things have changed. seems you'd better tell him NO more!
Author wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 well, things have changed, yes? time for him to realize that things have changed. seems you'd better tell him NO more! I plan to, but hopefully he will leave me the heck alone. I just want to get on with my life.
silverfish Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Hi wrencn I just caught this thread, and it struck me how similar your exH and mine are. I've had him on and off behaving this way towards me for two years now. You need to be very firm about boundaries, and keep exchanges to information only about the children from now on if you are serious about wanting your own space. I didn't do this consistently, and I've had all sorts of problems, even recently, him walking into my house without knocking while I was on the bog. I have many stories like this. I call him Dracula, as each time I invite him in in any way, he won't leave. He used to stand by the door when he was waiting for the kids and look through the letters on the table....not like it's a habit as I've moved house twice since we split. Now I get the bag ready, by the door, and the kids know to make sure they are organised. I don't suppose things are ever going to change, but I still love him, and he knows it, and I think he enjoys the power thing too. He thinks me being assertive is hilarious
Author wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Hi wrencn I just caught this thread, and it struck me how similar your exH and mine are. I've had him on and off behaving this way towards me for two years now. You need to be very firm about boundaries, and keep exchanges to information only about the children from now on if you are serious about wanting your own space. I didn't do this consistently, and I've had all sorts of problems, even recently, him walking into my house without knocking while I was on the bog. I have many stories like this. I call him Dracula, as each time I invite him in in any way, he won't leave. He used to stand by the door when he was waiting for the kids and look through the letters on the table....not like it's a habit as I've moved house twice since we split. Now I get the bag ready, by the door, and the kids know to make sure they are organised. I don't suppose things are ever going to change, but I still love him, and he knows it, and I think he enjoys the power thing too. He thinks me being assertive is hilarious He's probably confused since I went from wanting to work on the marriage to giving up completely the moment he said he wasn't moving back in. I do feel a bit upset with myself for letting it bother me- I wish it didn't, but it sure felt good putting his crap on the side porch!!!!! I thought it was going to be sad, but it made me very happy See ya sucker! LOL- I'm so mature...
2sunny Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 He's probably confused since I went from wanting to work on the marriage to giving up completely the moment he said he wasn't moving back in. I do feel a bit upset with myself for letting it bother me- I wish it didn't, but it sure felt good putting his crap on the side porch!!!!! I thought it was going to be sad, but it made me very happy See ya sucker! LOL- I'm so mature... good girl! you have set a boundary that looks like you are gaining the strength to tell him no. keep it up! it's time to look out for YOUR best interest. no on else can do this for you. stand firm - you will start to feel stronger for it!
spriggig Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 He's probably confused since I went from wanting to work on the marriage to giving up completely the moment he said he wasn't moving back in. I do feel a bit upset with myself for letting it bother me- I wish it didn't, but it sure felt good putting his crap on the side porch!!!!! I thought it was going to be sad, but it made me very happy See ya sucker! LOL- I'm so mature... He probably was confused. I would be too, HOW do people shut off like this? It even surprised you: "I thought it was going to be sad, but it made me very happy. See ya sucker!" Is it sincere, is it lasting? I see now that there is some deep, basic difference between people who can close the door like this and people who leave it open beyond all hope. It's probably a continuum like everything else, but the people who sit on one side have a really hard time understanding the people who sit on the other side--that is written all over this site.
2sunny Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 He probably was confused. I would be too, HOW do people shut off like this? It even surprised you: "I thought it was going to be sad, but it made me very happy. See ya sucker!" Is it sincere, is it lasting? I see now that there is some deep, basic difference between people who can close the door like this and people who leave it open beyond all hope. It's probably a continuum like everything else, but the people who sit on one side have a really hard time understanding the people who sit on the other side--that is written all over this site. when i am done - i never look back. no reason to go back for more disappointment and pain. moving forward helps to change things and have hope.
spriggig Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 when i am done - i never look back. no reason to go back for more disappointment and pain. moving forward helps to change things and have hope. Can't argue with the logic, this seems like the best thing to do. I wonder why so many of us can't manage it--or at least it takes so much more time and effort for some than others.
Author wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 HOW do people shut off like this? Honestly Spriggig, it is probably a coping mechanism for some people. I can honestly say that I tried my hardest to save my marriage. I promised myself I wouldn't give up until that day came. Well it did, now I've got to move on, because if I don't I will probably end up in inpatient psych. The more I hung on the more of my sanity left me. You are probably strong and able to hold out hope and still live a normal life. I'm not. I wish I was though.
Author wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 The bastard brought my kids around his EA! Granted she came over to the girls house he is staying with but she brought pizza for my kids and what not. I'm going to keep my cool and not say anything. To hell with him. He knows without a doubt that doing that would piss me off but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. He didn't take all the stuff I put out on the porch, just a few things because he said he didn't have room. I threw the rest away.
Author wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Oh and my son says he's going to quit smoking tomorrow. He got the patch and lozenges. Yet he refused to quit when we were married. He also told my son he could afford to buy a house if he didn't have to support me. Gah!!!! I asked my son not to talk to me about his father but that made him sad. So I'm just going to have to let him and then come on here and vent.
Butterflair Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Get your locks changed ASAP. You have no idea how many keys are floating around. Let your son talk and help him during this. You don't have to respond either way. Just don't take anything he says personal. Just say "that's interesting" and move on. I'm having a chuckle about you throwing his stuff away, I love it.
silverfish Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Ah yes, the 'button pushing' phase. Its testing your boundaries nad resolve on the one hand, and 'look what I can do!' attention seeking on the other. Be prepared for a lot more of this, not sure how though, like I said it took me 2 years
Author wrencn Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Ah yes, the 'button pushing' phase. Its testing your boundaries nad resolve on the one hand, and 'look what I can do!' attention seeking on the other. Be prepared for a lot more of this, not sure how though, like I said it took me 2 years See I knew he was doing it on purpose!!!!! But I was like no- he wouldn't, but he use to do it before. And I'm buying into it. Gah! I'm so upset with myself for caring. 2 years is a long time- I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you aren't bothered by him anymore, and I can't wait to get there. Butterflair- I felt like Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale lol!!!
Author wrencn Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 An update: My husband moved out almost 2 months ago. I had my ups and downs but I'm doing really well these days. I miss my friend but I no longer grieve for the loss of my marriage. However there has been a strange turn of events. I could tell in the tone of my husband's text messages that something wasn't right. I did a little prodding and found out that he is very unhappy with his life. I think the "grass isn't greener" epiphany finally hit him. I told him not to give up, it's only been two months. He said it felt like forever and he's had no luck dating. I have been dating someone for the last month and I think maybe that is contributing to my husband's feelings. Anyways, I did extend an offer of friendship and invited him over to the house tonight to watch movies. I don't want him back romantically but it kills me for him to be broken hearted and alone. People tell me he deserves to lie in the bed he made but I just can't be angry with him. He needs a friend- and I want to be there for him. I've made it clear this is friendly and not romantic. We both know we are better off apart. So for all the abandoned spouses out there, hang in there. You never know what'll happen... but don't doubt your strength. Life truly does go on!
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