He says he's moving out tonight

[habs53]

You know under normal circumstances I would agree with you but this female friend is probably 5'2 and over 300 pounds. She had a huge crush on him before and it really bummed him out. He would make comments like, "why is it I can only attract women like Fat Sarah!?" His guy friends are either married or have roommates. The girl he had an EA is friends with this girl,well they are co-workers. I guess this would provide a place for them to be together since the EA lives with her parents. I think the EA but it could always start back up if he moves out.

 

He went with the boys to walk the dog. I guess we will talk about it later tonight. We are masters of procrastination.

Good luck. Sounds like he is really confused

[Gunny376]

You tell his sorry @zz that when he walks out that door? There's no coming back!

 

And then from that moment on? You get your happy @zz busy and improving your life, and living your life for you and yourself ~ not even your sons.

 

One day they will be grown and on their own ~ its your job now to make them so. To teach them how to become self autonomous ~ as you must now learn ~ self actualized ~ self aware ~ self supporting ~ self validating.

 

In short? All day strong ~ as you must now learn to be.

 

The newspapers are replete of stories of single moms with children ~ some of which worked two jobs with less than a HS education that successfully raised their children without a man ~ a husband ~ nor a dime in child support.

 

A local paper recently published such a story where two of her sons became MD's and another went to the Naval Academy and became a Marine commissioned officer.

 

"Whatever the mind of man (or woman) can conceive? They can achieve!"

 

His leaving matters not ~ the fact that he's walking out on you and your children tells me all I need to know.

 

My XHEX was cheating on me ~ I knew it, even back before the days of the Internet. I told her that at the very least? She was having and EA on me, ( and this was back in the late 80's early 90's ~ before the term was coined?

 

In hindsight I would have hung in there even in a so-called open marriage.

 

Just for the sake of the kids. (I can say that now because I'm emotionally stronger ~ I don't know that I could have said that twenty years ago? But now ~ having going through what I've been through? Yea! I would be like I could care less who your "scroggin" I washed your car, filled up with gas, and here's forty bucks for you and the BF to get a motel room) Of course I wouldn't be having sex with her.

 

I don't need one of those "gifts" that keep on giving ~ if you know what I mean.

 

Since having retired from the Corps ~ I've meet some of nicest, poliest, most moral, structured, balanced, decent human beings I've ever meet~ that just happen to be men.

 

And their wives / GF's cheated on them?

 

Be you a woman or man?

 

It comes down to this!

 

You've got to obtain self-actualization ~ that is accepting yourself for who and what your are ~ as you are ~ and all your ever going to be!

 

That does mean daily seeking out your weaknesses and seeking self improvement?

 

That's a daily chore!

 

It means taking responsibility for your own personal happiness ~ and that not depending on anyone ~ let alone any single man or person! And that's your respobsibilty and no one elses!

 

Self Validation?

 

That's your job! Not someone elses!

 

Once your parents are gone?

 

You're pretty much on your own!

[habs53]

You tell his sorry @zz that when he walks out that door? There's no coming back!

 

And then from that moment on? You get your happy @zz busy and improving your life, and living your life for you and yourself ~ not even your sons.

 

One day they will be grown and on their own ~ its your job now to make them so. To teach them how to become self autonomous ~ as you must now learn ~ self actualized ~ self aware ~ self supporting ~ self validating.

 

In short? All day strong ~ as you must now learn to be.

 

The newspapers are replete of stories of single moms with children ~ some of which worked two jobs with less than a HS education that successfully raised their children without a man ~ a husband ~ nor a dime in child support.

 

A local paper recently published such a story where two of her sons became MD's and another went to the Naval Academy and became a Marine commissioned officer.

 

"Whatever the mind of man (or woman) can conceive? They can achieve!"

 

His leaving matters not ~ the fact that he's walking out on you and your children tells me all I need to know.

 

My XHEX was cheating on me ~ I knew it, even back before the days of the Internet. I told her that at the very least? She was having and EA on me, ( and this was back in the late 80's early 90's ~ before the term was coined?

 

In hindsight I would have hung in there even in a so-called open marriage.

 

Just for the sake of the kids. (I can say that now because I'm emotionally stronger ~ I don't know that I could have said that twenty years ago? But now ~ having going through what I've been through? Yea! I would be like I could care less who your "scroggin" I washed your car, filled up with gas, and here's forty bucks for you and the BF to get a motel room) Of course I wouldn't be having sex with her.

 

I don't need one of those "gifts" that keep on giving ~ if you know what I mean.

 

Since having retired from the Corps ~ I've meet some of nicest, poliest, most moral, structured, balanced, decent human beings I've ever meet~ that just happen to be men.

 

And their wives / GF's cheated on them?

 

Be you a woman or man?

 

It comes down to this!

 

You've got to obtain self-actualization ~ that is accepting yourself for who and what your are ~ as you are ~ and all your ever going to be!

 

That does mean daily seeking out your weaknesses and seeking self improvement?

 

That's a daily chore!

 

It means taking responsibility for your own personal happiness ~ and that not depending on anyone ~ let alone any single man or person! And that's your respobsibilty and no one elses!

 

Self Validation?

 

That's your job! Not someone elses!

 

Once your parents are gone?

 

You're pretty much on your own!

I like this post allot

[spriggig]

That's it. Gunny posted in your thread, you have to do what he says now--there's much worse advice out there than Gunny's, usually mine.

[habs53]

Gunny is right about one thing. Its all about number one now.

[Butterflair]

 

Butterflair- I read your story. I'm very impressed by your strength. I don't know how you did it.

 

I don't know, I just wasn't going through it again and I wanted out. The strength came on its own. It's still been hard, have to wait the 12 months of separation to be done. Every day is a challenge. You hang in there.

[What_Next]

Gunny is wise, listen to him.

 

I totally agree, before he leaves be sure to tell him the door swings in one direction and once he leaves, that's it.

 

Will this be tough and hard? Yes it will. I know you've mentioned you are alone, but are you really? Have you looked for the potential friends and moral support around you? If not, do it.

 

If there isn't anyone, then reach out to whever you are able for support. However, strength will come from within. Your children are your fuel, use them as motivation.

 

The dark days will come, there's little you can do to prevent them. However, so will the better days.

 

Hang in there. Don't let him continue to string you along.

[wrencn]

Gunny- I love the way you put things. I know that I need to do exactly what you have said.

 

This is going to be long, sorry.

 

The evening started off very badly. I could tell he came home with a huge chip on his shoulder and talking to him was going to be hell. I told him that he needed to get all his stuff (except for furniture) out of the house. I told him he would need to change his address so his mail would not come to my house anymore. He said for me to give him a few weeks to get his things together. I told him he couldn't do that. That if he is leaving then he needs to leave at once, not little by little.

 

I said something he didn't like and he flipped out, started yelling, stormed out of the house. My kids were around and started crying. He comes back in yelling in my face, asking me what did I want him to sign and just being hysterical. I kept my cool.

 

He went and sat on the porch. I went out there. There was lots of anger from him, but slowly that all started to disappear and he started to open up to me. He told me things I never knew. My husband is terrible at communicating his feelings but last night he did it so well. I cried, he cried.

 

All this time I felt he blamed me entirely for our marriage falling apart (because he would always place blame on me). Well I find out he blames himself for not doing more for me and being more assertive husband.

 

I knew he had self esteem issues and he spoke about that. He wants to know if he could get another girl to like him, just by being himself. With every girl he has every been with (including me) he was the rebound guy or the white night-who saved the day. He has also always been the one that got dumped. He said he wants to know what it would be like to get a girl to like him then dump her. That made me sad to hear. I don't know how to respond to this because I'm not a man- I want to tell him his self esteem shouldn't be dependent on someone else, but I'm sure he doesn't want to hear this.

 

The biggest issue for us is that he feels like a sucker. He said he does love me with all his heart, but that he is scared to. I asked him to try his hardest to stop pushing me away and allow himself to love me. What I want the most is for him to take me out and do things with me. I feel it isn't too late to give it a try. I feel so mad that the next girl will get to benefit for the lesson he learned with me. Why can't he do those things for me now, it isn't too late?

 

Oh and he did hug me this morning before he left to take the kids to see his dad who is vacationing an hour away. He also kissed me and said 'I love you too' after I told him.

 

Tonight I'm going out with a friend so he is going to stay in the house with our boys. I told him to go stay at this girls house from Wednesday-Saturday. He offered to take me out as a belated birthday gift on Sunday. I told him to take that time to get his head straight, but come Sunday if he decides he was happier away from me and wants to continue to live at her home it is over! I will let him go and start Gunny mode Monday morning.

 

So I feel all I can do is give him some space, and completely leave him alone for those days. I have to let him decide. I feel it would be easier to let go if he didn't love me.

 

Thanks for letting me vent everyone.

Edited July 13, 2010 by wrencn

[What_Next]

wrencn, that must have been terrible. I'll share with you about the only thing my wife and I took away from our MC sessions (well besides 450 in fees that is), arguing is a form of communication. Sure it is NOT our best form of communication, but we do communicate through it.

 

Obviously him in your face screaming is NOT acceptable, doing it in front of the kids is NOT acceptable (note I am not preaching here, read my thread to see how my wife and I screwed up on this point), but sometimes it can show positive results.

 

I applaud you for keeping your cool, I applaud you for setting a boundary and telling him if he was out, he was out. This had a LARGE impact on his behavior and you've only yourself to thank for that.

 

The strange part is that your situation is beginning to parallel mine, alhough the shoe is on the other foot. In my case my wife is the poor communicator and is usually a cold fish. Throughout our own little hell she has cracked in a few cases and the result was something very close to what you went through. I know it isn't easy, but in a way you made some progress.

 

I cannot remember if MC was ever tried for you, but I might suggest it. Just to see if anything else can be brought out into the open.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[wrencn]

Thanks W_N! I have mentioned MC in the past and had him agree to it once then everything went down hill 3 days later and all this drama started. If he choses to be with me Sunday I will tell him we need to go just once. I mean it may not help but it can't hurt (well I hope not).

 

I'm also going to tell him he has to stop talking to his coworkers about us because they are all been divorced, and that girl he would be moving in with has been offering him her place- he didn't ask. I'm really upset with her for that. This is a marriage, we have kids- why do people have such little respect for marriage? I know he thinks if we stay together people will think he's stupid because of all the things he's told thim, but who cares!?! Men and their foolish pride!

[habs53]

Thanks W_N! I have mentioned MC in the past and had him agree to it once then everything went down hill 3 days later and all this drama started. If he choses to be with me Sunday I will tell him we need to go just once. I mean it may not help but it can't hurt (well I hope not).

 

I'm also going to tell him he has to stop talking to his coworkers about us because they are all been divorced, and that girl he would be moving in with has been offering him her place- he didn't ask. I'm really upset with her for that. This is a marriage, we have kids- why do people have such little respect for marriage? I know he thinks if we stay together people will think he's stupid because of all the things he's told thim, but who cares!?! Men and their foolish pride!

 

Yes they should mind there own business. My wifes whole family sees nothing wrong with seperation and divorce. Thats what they grew up with.

[eeyore1981]

Wren,

 

Hang in there. Maybe he will come back Sunday, and you guys will be able to work this out. Just don't do like I did. (I need to start my own thread at some point over here, it's all in infidelity) If he does come back on Sunday, enjoy it, and enjoy him, but don't let him staying be the last of the progress, and let things go back as before.

 

I spent the last 2 years and 10 months trying to work it out with my H after finding out he was having an affair, as far as I can tell, an EA. After all this time of being lied to over and over, and doing the biggest part of the work to keep this marriage together, I told him to leave. He moved out on Friday, and now he is emailing me how sorry he is, he is going to therapy, etc. etc. I've spent the last 6 weeks in therapy myself learning to let him go, and apparently I am a fast learner. I know I am still fresh out on this, but right now my feeling is I don't want him back, but then I wonder if he actually shows some progress, maybe I will feel differently. Regardless, it is messing with my head in ways I don't really need right now. I don't know if I should even be responding to his emails, and I don't know what to say. Lol, I feel like no matter how hard I try to get myself out of this mess, I just fall right back in.

 

Anyway, not trying to threadjack or be a downer. Just want you to know I was once where you are now, and I wouldn't wish this bs on my worst enemy. Make sure to protect yourself even if you are trying to work things out.

[Gunny376]

In so far as the self confidence and self esteem ~ I'd tell him go enlist in the Marines for four years and to get back with you when it gets out ~ I promise you won't have such problems anymore. (Just kidding!)

 

If he's got those kind of issues, then he needs to go to IC and MC. Now that's easier said than done because counseling is expensive. So while you may not be able to do it every month or even every two months ~ perhaps you can do so quarterly.

 

There are a lot of good books that both of you can read. That would help you both.

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes"

 

"You Don't Understand" About cross-gender communication

 

"GenderSpeak" More of the same.

 

Your typical woman uses 4 to 6 thousand words a day ~ while you typical man uses have that many.

 

It sounds as though your wanting do more than sit around the house ~ and would prefer more things as a couple and as a family.

 

There are lots of things you can do as a couple and family that doesn't cost a whole lot. I would suggest you do a Google search, get some ideas, creative and imaginative.

 

I would also recommend "Two-Thousand And One Things You Can Do On A Date" One of the things you both have to do is to 'date your mate" that is "what it took to get them is what it takes to keep them."

 

In regards to that I would recommend you read "Light His Fire" and have him read "Light Her Fire' and then "How Are We Suppose To Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy?"

 

Now I know that most people are much on reading, unless its about something they're naturally interested in ~ but shouldn't marriage be one should be interested.

 

When confronted with a wayward or WAW spouse would should act decisively and with immediate action. Don't sit around wringing your hands hoping things will get better? Nine times out of ten? They want.

 

If crying and begging couldn't make them stay, it sure as Hell isn't going it make them come back.

[Gunny376]

One's validation must come from within and from oneself.

 

The person that is responsible for you own self happiness? Is yourself and yourself alone?

 

Seeking validation and happiness through another is a "Fool's errand"

 

Seeking to live your life through another ~ be they your SO, your husband, wife, children, mother, father is also a "Fool's errand"

 

Live you life on you own terms and for yourself and not for others.

 

It blows my mind that people think they've just got to be in a relationship? That somehow they're incomplete if they're not in one?

 

It simply amazes me how so many men completely and totally screw up their lives, their jobs, their carrers. their familes, their marriages (to damn good women btw) over a quick and cheap POA?

 

So many men are about p**** like the dog food commercial about bacon? (Begging Strips)

 

I'm with Richard Pryor ~ "If you find a good woman, true love?

 

Don't **** it up!

[wrencn]

Gunny- you put a huge smile on my face. Thank you so much, I really needed that! I love your posts.

"If you find a good woman, true love? Don't **** it up!" I totally agree

And you are right, I need to live my life for myself. I can see that I'm obsessing about my children rather than caring for myself. I chalk it up to being a mother of boys, we can be a bit crazy about our sons. I just keep thinking, I'm going to ruin their lives and then they will grow up to be dysfunctional adults. I had such a terrible childhood- which has haunted me as an adult- I just can't do that to my kids. I will check those books out. If we are going to make it, we have to learn to communicate!!!

 

Oh and my husband works for the Federal Government so our copay for therapy is just 35 dollars. There is no reason for him not to go. I see a marriage counselor and I also see a psychiatrist at the VA Hospital. He could do the same if he really wanted to.

 

Eeyore- thank you for sharing your story, it isn't threadjacking at all. I can use all the advice I can get these days. I'm actually jealous that you don't want your husband anymore. I wish I could say that- I know that sounds bad though. If I didn't want him, then I could just let go. I completely understand what you mean about messing with your head. I dissect every comment, text, email he writes me. I spend hours contemplating the hidden meanings, should I respond, or should I keep my mouth shut. I hope he comes back Sunday for good and we can get to dating like we never did before. I won't let it go back to the way we were, that was no way to live.

 

Henna- Luckily in Virginia it takes a year to divorce after the spouse moves out so we won't be able to do anything hasty. Your comment about making myself prettier made me chuckle, because that is exactly what I was thinking. lol. He will rue the day he left me! A side note though: the girl he had an EA with is the plainest girl and she's not his type physically. That left me scratching my head, but I guess she was very nice and it is all about how she makes him feel about himself I suppose. anyway that's over because she's getting back with her ex. well for now anyways.

 

 

So he's gone and I'm doing ok. The anticipation was worse than him actually leaving. I hid out in the bedroom while he was getting ready, I couldn't bare to see him. Last night when I got home he held me on the couch. He was acting a bit withdrawn and seemed a bit embarrassed about opening up last night, which makes me so sad because I truly believe that is his personality and to be married to him would mean I would have to live with a man that doesn't share his feelings. I don't know if I'm ok with that. I asked him if he missed me and he was like "huh?" ouch. But then he said he always misses me- unless we are fighting lol. I left the movie "The Story of Us" out on the coffee table and it seems like he took it with him. That was always our go to movie when we would fight- I hope he watches it!

 

I'm going to have FUN with my boys. I'm not going to pout or mope. I'm going to do all those things I wanted to do, but my husband didn't have the energy to do, or his feet hurt, or he was tired. My 10 year old starts football next month- I'm going to start getting him in shape. It is time to get on with my life and live for myself. Sorry for such a long post- Writing all this out is like free therapy! Thanks for the encouragement everyone- it means more to me than you will ever know.

[gobbleguts]

How is Wren doing??

[wrencn]

Hey GG, I'm doing alright, thank you so much for asking. The first day (Wednesday) I was actually happy he was gone. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I'm starting to feel a bit dreadful since he's coming over tomorrow and I don't know what he is going to say. I feel in my heart he's going to stay gone and that it is over, but I'm always the doom and gloom type.

 

Thursday he had my son come in and ask if he could get a few things out of the house and I said yes, but I just stayed in my room so I didn't see him. When I went to see what he got, it wasn't anything important (just guitar books), not sure why that couldn't have waited until Sunday. I've been completely NC. I'll update tomorrow night.

 

Oh and I hate to say this but it is easier to parent when he isn't around. Its just like when he goes on business trips- so much easier. The kids are doing good, I was worried about my oldest. He was sad the first day, but he's fine now. He actually told me today that he likes the way I do things (organized).

[tank]

Well wrencn, i hope you have a good day today. Im glad to see you have noticed some positives about the situation. Stay strong in your decisions and dont let him see you sweat. You can do this, you can be the person you want to be and who your children need you to be. I hope that you get your anwers today. STAY STRONG

[wrencn]

We are about to go to the movies but I thought I'd post a quick update. Hopefully there will be some advice for me when I get back tonight.

 

The day started off so well. He came home, and gave me the biggest, most sincere hug ever. We took our sons to the pool then we went out to eat. We had a great time. He was affectionate and loving. We came home and I laid down for a bit, he came in and we took a nap together. He held me the entire time. We have sex after we woke up- it was wonderful. Then I started to ask questions and you know it's going to go all down hill from here...

 

Basically he plans to continue to live at his coworkers house and he wants to take it slow and date me, since we never dated our entire marriage. He doesn't want to work on the marriage per se. He just wants to play it by ear. WTF????? His words don't go with his actions at all. He did say he would consider seeing a therapist but I'm going to tell him we need to go to MC if I'm going to agree to this situation.

 

Honestly- it would be so much easier for me to walk away. These past 4 days taught me, I will survive. I'm hurting by trying to make this work, but I don't want to be a quitter and give up because it would be easier for me. I don't want to tell my kids I walked away because I was tired of dealing with their father's confusion. For better or worse right? I just don't want to be the idiot that waits for him and then he says he can't do it.

 

what kills me is he loves me and he is in love with me and I feel the same. This situation is killing me. Wish me luck, maybe he will have a change of heart after the movie/dinner.

[spriggig]

Honestly- it would be so much easier for me to walk away.

 

These are the options I know about.

 

You can do the work with him.

 

You can do the work with the next guy, but he won't be dad.

 

You can be without a mate.

 

You can jump from guy to guy, leaving with the butterflies each time.

 

Finally, you can stay with him, NOT work on yourself or the R, be miserable and/or cheat on him then have a MLC and leave him. Then you get to pick one of the three above and/or repeat this disaster again. This seems to be the most popular choice.

[wrencn]

Spriggig- I want to work with him but I don't feel he's trying to work with me. How are we to fix our marriage living apart and going on dates once a week. He won't agree to marriage counseling. He still likes the girl he had a brief EA. But she's working things out with her boyfriend. He's keeping me at a distance although he loves me still. I want to be understanding but I don't want to be an idiot.

[Enema]

It sounds like he's holding out to see if he can get a better catch.

 

If he can't manage to score anyone else, there's always you on the sidelines as a backup plan.

 

Willing to give him sex after a hollow display of affection. Stop letting him walk all over you.

[wrencn]

It sounds like he's holding out to see if he can get a better catch.

 

If he can't manage to score anyone else, there's always you on the sidelines as a backup plan.

 

Willing to give him sex after a hollow display of affection. Stop letting him walk all over you.

 

 

Perhaps you are correct. I guess I feel since I did mistreat him in the past I have to atone for my sins by dealing with this. Guilt is a tricky emotion. What I'm doing isn't working and you can't bully someone into seeing things your way. I guess the only thing left to do is let him go. I just don't want to feel like a quitter. "You gotta know when to walk away" - I guess it is time.

[2sunny]

he says he's unwilling to commit to you and the family - yet you provide him with sex because he shows the slightest affection.

 

stop reacting to his every whim. there is nothing to be gained by having sex with him at this important juncture. you are giving him your self respect every time you do this. and you are muddying the waters with total confusion. leave the sex and emotions out of it.

 

sit way back and watch his actions. let him do the work necessary to earn his way back to even the possibility of enjoying your company.

 

he has been trained not to make an effort to court you all these years... now, at this late date he may not be willing to make that much effort for any gal... not even his wife - as this is foreign to him.

 

so stop thinking that every little affection means you need to reward him with sex.

 

let him sit in the situation he's created. let him see how isolating and lonely it can feel. that alone may motivate him to change. but don't be quick to re enter any commitment to him until he's willing to be loving and consistent to you for 6 months to one year.

 

remember - he created this now he needs to earn it.

[spriggig]

Spriggig- I want to work with him but I don't feel he's trying to work with me. How are we to fix our marriage living apart and going on dates once a week. He won't agree to marriage counseling. He still likes the girl he had a brief EA. But she's working things out with her boyfriend. He's keeping me at a distance although he loves me still. I want to be understanding but I don't want to be an idiot.

 

I'm sorry, I thought he was still willing to try. I'm in the same boat. It takes two to make a marriage work, yours, mine, whatever.

 

My kid wanted to listen to Elvis tonight. I kept picking Suspicious Mind, You Were Always on My Mind and Unchained Melody.