wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 We will discuss the separation agreement when he gets home. He said he wouldn't move out Saturday, but I guess he has changed his mind. I spoke with him this morning by phone and he is clearly very angry with me. I don't know why, but at this point I just have to let him go. He's moving in with a female co-worker (she is definitely just a friend) so he won't be having our children over, but I refused to take care of his dog (he got the dog without my permission). I am devastated but relieved at the same time. I've been waiting for this, maybe now I can finally start healing.
gobbleguts Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I'm sorry sweetie!! You've given me great advice, let me know if you have any "man" questions you need answered. I've been left and I've done the leaving so I'm well versed in both, I guess. lol Take care.
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I just don't understand his anger towards me. He is furious and I have done nothing but tried to stay LC and out of his way. We did slip up Friday night and have sex and he did tell me he loved me (I haven't heard that in months) so maybe he is mad at himself and just projecting it on me. I'm upset because he isn't thinking about our kids, but I've read enough stories on here to know that a WAS isn't thinking clearly so I'm not going to dwell on that.
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Have you read Divorce Busting? Yup, I own a copy and read it when he said he wanted a divorce. I've done the 180. I can honestly say I have given it my all. I just don't know if there is anything else I can do. Maybe I should let him live without me and see if he is happier. Ugh this is so hard- being left behind with children.
spriggig Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 It messes with your head, not talking to them--NC. I know through my FIL that my wife and OM aren't together anymore. But, I'm the one who kicked her out of the house because I couldn't stand having her around while she was cheating on me. So, now that she left the OM a few weeks ago, is she thinking more clearly and does she want to try to come back but won't risk the rejection because I kicked her out and was so angry at her when I did it? That's the sort of thing that goes through your head. I can't break LC because I risk driving her further away, but I can't stand not knowing what she is thinking about all of this. My final stand will be when I hand her the divorce papers I'm paying a lawyer to draw up. I'll ask her back then--I'll risk the rejection one more time. At least now I go into it with open eyes.
gobbleguts Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Ok, I guess I haven't been much help so far. One thing that'll get and man IMO is silence. Dead freakin' silence. It sounds like he hasn't been away too much. Help him pack his bags and tell him you want him out. He's got to think he can't have you anymore before he'll start to turn. It sounds like very familiar advice, which it is, but that's all that's left. I think maybe I wouldn't have sex with him anymore either. Hit him in his loins!!! I think the best advice about women comes from women and the best advice about men comes from men.
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Thanks to the both of you. We haven't been having sex, that was the first time in about 6 weeks and it came out of nowhere. You see he said he didn't love me when he asked for divorce and I totally dropped off and ignored him. Showed no affection. Then Friday happened and then I dropped off again as to not scare him. I'm not sure if that was bad on my part. He opened up, maybe I should have tried to be more loving and emotional. I mean I was nice Saturday morning, gave him hugs, but when he got home that evening I behaved like nothing ever happened. I went out with my friend last night. I'm afraid he feels I turned my back on him- I just didn't want to pressure him. UGH- I know there is no way to tell what he is thinking and it does drive me mad like you said Spriggig!!!! I just have to keep talking/typing to keep from losing my mind- my boys are in the other room sleep and I can't afford to break down in front of them. If he is going to leave me tonight, then I think I'm just going to lay it all out and let him know how much I love him. And that I'm sorry we couldn't work it out... and then I will start NC/LC
What_Next Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 wrencn, first I am sorry you are in this position. Now, let me speak from experience. I am sure you are familiar with my situation in fact I believe you have posted to it. Well it's been up and down and all over the place, but some recent events in my case parallel yours. About 2 weeks ago when my wife was still deep inside her "I don't love you phase" we had an incident. After a MC session we came home and everything went sideways. We argued pretty badly. I eventually got to a point where I hit my breaking point again. She did as well, but she broke down, fell apart and sobbed for a long time. Later that night we also had sex, well just because we did. She acted a little odd after the fact and the next day she made it clear "it didn't change anything for her". Well it did, she just couldn't process it right away. Why? Likely the fog still existed from her EA. Fast forward a few weeks and we are actually FINALLY started to move forward and get things back on track. What am I saying? Lay out your feeling if you must, DO NOT seem needy/pushy/desperate. If he really stil wants to go, let him. He's likely just as confused as you are right now. Try and open the lines of communication and see where it leads. Good luck.
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 OK What_Next- I will let him go. I know I need to, I just know how stubborn my husband is. Once he's gone, I know he's not coming back. He said I could leave, but I can't put myself in that situation for custody. I'm just terrified of being here alone with my boys- actually being a 'single mom'. Life goes on...
habs53 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 OK What_Next- I will let him go. I know I need to, I just know how stubborn my husband is. Once he's gone, I know he's not coming back. He said I could leave, but I can't put myself in that situation for custody. I'm just terrified of being here alone with my boys- actually being a 'single mom'. Life goes on... It will take some time hun, you will be okay. By the way, him not knowing what you are doing will drive him nuts. All you can do is tell him how you feel and go into dissapear mode.
Butterflair Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 You will be okay with time. Pull back and let him go. Don't stop him and say nothing. Focus on the kids and yourself. One day at a time. "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Yup- me and the former dog we had Butterflair- I read your story. I'm very impressed by your strength. I don't know how you did it. Habs- Thanks, I know I will be fine one day. It just hurts that I can't believe anything he says. It hurts that his word means nothing anymore. And it hurts that he is being so mean to me. I guess I will update tonight after he leaves. I think I will try to talk to my boys before he gets home.
gobbleguts Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I can't see your face, but from what I can see you look like an adorable brunette. You also seem fiercely loyal from what I've read. You love your kids and they love you. (I'm making an assumption here) I know it sucks and it breaks my heart to know that you're going through such tough times. (yes, it breaks my heart even though I don't know you) Keep your chin up and just go through the motions of living if you have to. I know you know it'll get better, but right now it doesn't seem as though it will. Just remember to allow yourself the serenity to accept the things you can not change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Thank you GG. I know what you mean, my heart breaks every time I read another story on here. I can feel the pain through the computer. It makes me so mad that so many people have to go through this. I like the think I'm adorable lol. My husband says I'm beautiful but I guess that doesn't matter- it is just not enough. This sounds selfish, but I was just now making friends and getting out to meet people. Now he has created a situation where I'm not going to be able get out because he won't be able to have the kids at his place and I can't afford a babysitter. It's ok though I have myself and my babies. We'll get through this together. I hope he enjoys his Jack Johnson concert this weekend and the party at his new house with his friends.
gobbleguts Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 He may enjoy it, but in the back of his mind WILL be his wife and kids. He's a married man doing some selfish things. Don't worry about whether or not you'll be alone for the rest of your life, you won't be. Soon you'll be beating them off with a stick. lol
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 He may enjoy it, but in the back of his mind WILL be his wife and kids. He's a married man doing some selfish things. Don't worry about whether or not you'll be alone for the rest of your life, you won't be. Soon you'll be beating them off with a stick. lol haha I have no problem getting them, now keeping them is an entirely different story haha! He told me he found out so many girls at work like him, blah blah blah. I'll let him enjoy his new lifestyle, I will say this about him. He has always been a family man. I wonder if the single life will suit him. I'm sure he will just rush into another relationship.
gobbleguts Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Well I, unfortunately, have to rely on my sense of humor and my charm. I am not what you would call "man pretty". lol It sounds like he is bragging to get a rise out of you. It worked didn't it? He may also enjoy his new lifestyle, but it isn't going to fix what was broken. He'll stay broken until HE fixes it.
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 He will be home in about an hour and a half. He packed two bags but there is still plenty of stuff here that belongs to him. I'm going to tell him he needs to take it all as far as clothes and toiletries. I don't want him having to come back to get stuff because he forgot this or that. I feeling a little stronger now, but I hope I don't turn to mush or an angry mess once he gets home. I don't want to fight with him but he is terrible at communication and then I get so frustrated. I just need to speak as little as possible tonight.
habs53 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 He will be home in about an hour and a half. He packed two bags but there is still plenty of stuff here that belongs to him. I'm going to tell him he needs to take it all as far as clothes and toiletries. I don't want him having to come back to get stuff because he forgot this or that. I feeling a little stronger now, but I hope I don't turn to mush or an angry mess once he gets home. I don't want to fight with him but he is terrible at communication and then I get so frustrated. I just need to speak as little as possible tonight. Be strong, dont show him any emotion. Even better, start packing for him. Get it out in the front yard.
tank Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Wrencn, I will say that i am far from the best person to listen to, i am so far in over my head it isnt funny. But i went from working 12-15hrs a day 6days a week to 8hrs a day 5 days aweek. I spend every moment i can with my children. I just had a vacation with them and we did nothing, just hung out around the house, took a dip in the pool. We did 2 day trips and that was it. It was the best vacation i have ever had, i actually woke up this morning at 3:30 dreading going back to work. I know it may sound scary but being a single parent doesnt have to be. I hope you have a good support network close by and if you do use them. Especially grandparents. As far as keeping your emotions from your kids, well i have mixed feelings as well. I was raised to suck it up and boys dont cry. I kept all my feelings inside, this created more stress for my kids. On fathers day, my wife told me she was finished and never wanted to come home again. I asked her to leave my home and went to my room. Note, this was behind closed doors not in the open. I sat in my chair and in came my oldest and sat on the floor. Then came the youngest and they each took a knee, the my 2nd oldest came in. Mind you i had a full house at this time and we were hiding. My kids started crying, i ended up on the bed with 2 on each side and we cried together for approx. 45mins. Then we all got up, walked into the backyard, past our guests and jumped in the pool fully clothed. Everyone laughed and we had a good day. That was the moment that i realized those kids deserved everything i had to give. That was the moment where my life changed. So no matter what your children will see your pain and your hurt, i am now a firm believer that sharing some emotion with them willhelp them as well. Since that day, my children have started adjusting to the situation, they have settled back into the routine we have established. I hope that some of that helps you. Stay strong
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Habs- I was very tempted to put his crap in the yard lol. But I did pack all his toiletries. Tank- thanks! I did end up breaking down in front of my youngest, but he handled it so well and made me feel much better. The tough part is I have absolutely no family or friends here, just my husband. I moved here to support his career, then I just focused on going to school and my family. That's what is killing me. I finally started to get out and meet people now he pulls this so I'm going to be home every single night because he can't have our sons. Its a sacrifice that is worth it though. He didn't come home at his normal time. I had to leave and get away- I'm too exhausted to deal right now. I will go home later, hopefully he will be there and not in an evil mood.
peytonsnana Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 In one of your posts you say that he is moving in with a female friend....that to me is a red flag. Why can't he move in with a male friend? Female friends are usually not platonic....even if she is not a "girlfriend" now I would question whether or not their relationship is platonic. Most men don't know how to do that....just my thoughts on the subject.
Author wrencn Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 In one of your posts you say that he is moving in with a female friend....that to me is a red flag. Why can't he move in with a male friend? Female friends are usually not platonic....even if she is not a "girlfriend" now I would question whether or not their relationship is platonic. Most men don't know how to do that....just my thoughts on the subject. You know under normal circumstances I would agree with you but this female friend is probably 5'2 and over 300 pounds. She had a huge crush on him before and it really bummed him out. He would make comments like, "why is it I can only attract women like Fat Sarah!?" His guy friends are either married or have roommates. The girl he had an EA is friends with this girl,well they are co-workers. I guess this would provide a place for them to be together since the EA lives with her parents. I think the EA but it could always start back up if he moves out. He went with the boys to walk the dog. I guess we will talk about it later tonight. We are masters of procrastination.
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