JJwantstoknow Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I want to trust him. We met nearly two years ago, and from the beginning there has been a strong sexual attraction. Just a couple months in, we both began seeing other people because we had some trust and communication issues between us. As much as I wanted to just walk away, however, I couldn't, and neither could he. A year ago, after a blow up that left us not speaking for two months, he contacted me and said he missed me. I missed him too, so we began seeing each other again --this time, in a mutually exclusive "relationship". Things were absolutely wonderful for about 4-5 months, when he suddenly became sort of distant, and far less interested in sex, which was always a huge part of our relationship. Curious (and dismayed) as to why, I did a little online research, and discovered that he had penis pics and a masturbation video on several gay and tranny web sites. His profiles all identified him as being a bi-sexual daddy type. Though he had always been honest with me about his curiosity about penises (aside from just his own), it was something he had assured me he would never act on because he just isn't attracted to men. When I confronted him about what I found, he assured me that it was nothing more than the exhibitionist in himself acting out a fantasy. Within a few weeks, he had deleted the majority of those profiles (but not all), and I know that he continues to join sites that feature videos of older men with younger ones. I don't necessarily have a problem with fantasies and masturbation (as I do a fair amount of that myself), but when it replaces the real thing, I do have a problem with that. Sex has never returned to the intensity and frequency that it was that first year, and it saddens me. He claims to love me, and though we spend every night together, at either his place or mine (so I know he isn't actually seeing anyone else), it seems he would prefer to spend the majority of his weekend days alone, cruising the internet for more gay porn to masturbate to. :-( This, I have a problem with, but have no way to discuss any of it with him without angering him or making him defensive. I have tried several times to just walk away again, but it is hard, because now my heart is involved, and I really do love the guy. Having said all that, what my question is (for other bi-curious men, as he calls himself --or other women who have dealt with a similar situation) is... How do you deal with this? My self-esteem has suffered quite a bit, but my insecurity does nothing but make him even more angry. He claims he knows I love him and would never do anything to compromise our relationship. Good for him! He is a lucky man. I wish I could feel the same sort of confidence where he is concerned. I don't understand this whole "bi-curious" thing. To me there is no such thing... just a bi-sexual who perhaps just hasn't acted on it yet. Am I wrong? Am I right? ...Is there a chance for us to ever have a "normal" relationship? I can't compete with his attraction to men, as I will never have a penis of my own. :-/ Sign me.... CONFUSED.
Posh Polly Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 There's really no such thing as a bi guy. He's gay and you need to move on. sorry.
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 There's really no such thing as a bi guy. He's gay and you need to move on. sorry. What in the world are you talking about!? Of course there are bisexual men. I know of plenty who have been in relationships with both men and women. One is happily married to a woman and has a 2 year old. Incorrect here
Author JJwantstoknow Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I appreciate the responses, but didn't find them particularly helpful. No, he is not gay. Gay men are only attracted to other men, and if you read my post, that is not the issue. ...Anybody else have anything helpful to share? I am trying to find understanding, but so far it hasn't been forthcoming. I realize that sexual orientation should have nothing to do with monogamy, but I am wondering if others think I am just being foolish for having trusted him so far, given the circumstances I've cited??
linwood Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I wouldn`t trust him. How would you feel if he was posting the same things on straight sites towards other women? It shouldn`t be any different from your point of view. Committed people who aren`t looking for something new don`t do this type of thing.
Jilly Bean Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 As someone who was involved with a bi-man, and still retains him as a friend, I can tell you the only way you can have a relationship with a bi guy is if he is comfortable and out. Your guy is very closeted. Not to mention, he is tricking already with men. Don't kid yourself, hon. Guys who trick aren't spending the night - it's a hit and quit kinda thing. Your future with him? One in which he is increasingly distant as he continues to explore sex with men. If I were you, I would be done. It's one thing to be bi, but your guy is also into trannies and what not. And if he's not having sex with you so much anymore, it's because he's enjoying gay sex too much. A "normal" relationship isn't going to happen. The BEST you could ever hope for, is for him to come out to you, and then you would need to tolerate his tricking with men and trannies. Are you willing to do that? For now, I'd be more concerned about your health. I hope you are using condoms with this guy, as he's being exposed to a whole slew of unsavories. I say this because trannies aren't known for being monogamous and clean. Protect yourself. Physically, and emotionally. FWIW, even without him being bi, the relationship already had too much drama for the long haul.
Author JJwantstoknow Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Thank you, Jilly. I know you are right. I guess I needed to hear it. ...It saddens me though. When we met, he was amazing, like no other man I have ever known. I don't know where that guy went, but it doesn't seem like he'll be back again. :-(
Woman In Blue Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Aww hunni, I'm so sorry it's come to this for you. There are those who insist that a bisexual man is "homosexual" - and that nonsense usually comes from homophobic men. Tons of women are bisexual and they're not accused of being lesbians, so I don't get that ignorant thinking at all. In either event it sure seems there are a ton of bisexual men and women out there. I guess it's the new "in" trend. To be honest, I too think he's done a little more than just post a couple of profiles or look at porn. As Jilly said, he doesn't need to be "dating" and "spending time" with a guy in order to get any action, like he'd have to with a woman. These guys are always more than ready to do the deed and be on their way. PLEASE make sure to be fully STD tested. I just don't think your boyfriend has been honest with you.
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