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Not feeling like a sexual person when apart from my SO

Spiritofnow

By Spiritofnow
in Long-Distance Relationships

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Spiritofnow Established Member

Spiritofnow

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Hey,

 

This is a hard thread for me to post, because it is such an intimate subject, and I like to keep what happens between me and my SO private. I think I need some outside perspectives to help me out, though.

 

We are complex - me and my SO - in as much as that we both have pasts that have referenced some of the ways we respond or even feel about being overtly intimate, and that dynamic is compounded on while we are apart due to the distance etc.

 

When we are together in person the dynamic is not perfect, (not perfect means that we still struggle to initiate intimacy, but when we do it is fantastic), but it works better than when we are apart, due to all of the obvious benefits of replacing the virtual with the physical. We have both openly communicated with each other about this dynamic and we recognise that there are things we need to change to enable us to each feel more confident and secure in being intimate and initiating intimacy. However, I keep coming back to a place where I feel like I am absolutely CRAVING to feel like a sexual being or that I can be sexually overt. We are not intimate with each other at all while we are apart, and while I am okay with that I would really like it if he would send me sexy mails or flirty tweets. I send him the beginnings of something sweet and playful with a hint of more and he never responds to it - it's like I never sent it, and sometimes it hurts my ego to have nothing back. I know that he withholds sending something back, because he is afraid of seeming disrespectful to me. There have been improvements, but I always feel like I am holding back to be thoughtful to him and I am afraid that it is going to cause resentment to build up. I don't want to feel like that. I just wish I didn't feel like this, but I do.

 

I keep telling myself that when we are together these feelings won't feel so intense, because when we are intimate it feels very good, and I am more than satisfied with how we fit together. When we are together we are playful and adventurous and I learn more about myself and him. We have had some amazing times together, because I believe we are best-friends first and lovers second.

 

It's just such a long time to be without that dynamic. I read a post on here the other day and the poster was talking about how they had sent their SO a sexy text, and I felt so envious.

 

I know this is mainly due to the dynamic that I have outlined on here before, about how the LDR and the real life relationship becomes two separate entities yet somehow interconnected. I guess, we need more of a balance or I need to be more patient???

 

I guess, my BIGGEST fear is that I know he is the man I want to spend the foreseeable future with. I mean, I think about him as my soul mate, and I am afraid that this dynamic may unravel our relationship. I really, really, love him more than anything.

 

I would be really grateful for any input.

 

Thanks.

Edited by Spiritofnow
nemi26 Member

nemi26

Posted
Posted

hmm i suppose i can't really say anything because i havent slept with my boyfriend yet as we only met 6 times within 7 days and i woudn't do it that fast, although we did other stuff..

 

we aint sexual other texts, but if i'd have had sex with him i think we would be and i'd really want to be, would make me feel wanted and know hes thinking about me in that way, shows more then friendship..

 

best of luck anyway, sure it will work out. :)

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Spiritofnow Established Member

Spiritofnow

Posted
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Posted

I think one of the other reasons that it feels so hard when he does not respond, is that when I send a playful mail I am going outside of my comfort zone. I am being brave (in my world) sending him something that actually initiates those kinds of thoughts about us. And, so when I get nothing back I feel foolish, and like I have done something wrong -- those feelings are about me and I need to work on them, but I worry that both our pasts combined cause what is already an area that needs working on more issues for me.

 

Feeling sexy and being thought of as sexy is a state of mind I have to teach myself to feel. My past has made it feel like an unnatural or negative state of mind, so I have had to re-educate myself.

 

Some-days, I think it's not so important, because when we are actually living together we won't have to rely on these mediums to express ourselves, but it also is an issue that keeps recurring for me.

 

I so desperately want to explore an intimate world with him. I feel ready to explore who I am that way, and while we are apart it just doesn't happen.

carvidep Established Member

carvidep

Posted
Posted
Hey,

 

This is a hard thread for me to post, because it is such an intimate subject, and I like to keep what happens between me and my SO private. I think I need some outside perspectives to help me out, though.

 

We are complex - me and my SO - in as much as that we both have pasts that have referenced some of the ways we respond or even feel about being overtly intimate, and that dynamic is compounded on while we are apart due to the distance etc.

 

When we are together in person the dynamic is not perfect, (not perfect means that we still struggle to initiate intimacy, but when we do it is fantastic), but it works better than when we are apart, due to all of the obvious benefits of replacing the virtual with the physical. We have both openly communicated with each other about this dynamic and we recognise that there are things we need to change to enable us to each feel more confident and secure in being intimate and initiating intimacy. However, I keep coming back to a place where I feel like I am absolutely CRAVING to feel like a sexual being or that I can be sexually overt. We are not intimate with each other at all while we are apart, and while I am okay with that I would really like it if he would send me sexy mails or flirty tweets. I send him the beginnings of something sweet and playful with a hint of more and he never responds to it - it's like I never sent it, and sometimes it hurts my ego to have nothing back. I know that he withholds sending something back, because he is afraid of seeming disrespectful to me. There have been improvements, but I always feel like I am holding back to be thoughtful to him and I am afraid that it is going to cause resentment to build up. I don't want to feel like that. I just wish I didn't feel like this, but I do.

 

I keep telling myself that when we are together these feelings won't feel so intense, because when we are intimate it feels very good, and I am more than satisfied with how we fit together. When we are together we are playful and adventurous and I learn more about myself and him. We have had some amazing times together, because I believe we are best-friends first and lovers second.

 

It's just such a long time to be without that dynamic. I read a post on here the other day and the poster was talking about how they had sent their SO a sexy text, and I felt so envious.

 

I know this is mainly due to the dynamic that I have outlined on here before, about how the LDR and the real life relationship becomes two separate entities yet somehow interconnected. I guess, we need more of a balance or I need to be more patient???

 

I guess, my BIGGEST fear is that I know he is the man I want to spend the foreseeable future with. I mean, I think about him as my soul mate, and I am afraid that this dynamic may unravel our relationship. I really, really, love him more than anything.

 

I would be really grateful for any input.

 

Thanks.

 

Before I give my opinion, let me tell you that I am biased due to my past experiences. But no relationship or person is the same.

 

Ok, here it goes. It makes me nervous that he doesn't respond to those sexy starter messages that you send to him. I would ask him again if he's just trying to be a gentleman and not "push" anything (although if anyone's doing any sort of pushing it's you [and no, that's not a bad thing]).

 

I've been through a very similar experience before. Things with my ex started out hot and steamy (we never went all the way. first time was with my current SO and I'm so glad I waited) but after about a year he went cold on me, and I found out six months later that he'd lost a romantic interest in me around that time.

 

He was the first bf I'd had, so I wasn't sure how to go about fixing things when he started distancing himself. I went as far as to buy a super sexy (and expensive) piece of lingerie and when he saw me in it, all I got was a glance and "that's nice". I mean "hello!" there was a half naked girl standing in front of him saying "take me!" and he did nothing.

 

Again, this is a situation in which I have a very strong bias. As I suggested before, talk to him and get some straight answers out of him as to what he's thinking when you send him those messages. It could very well be that he wants to be the ultimate gentleman when you're not together, but in all honesty, having that sort of intimacy is very helpful in an LDR. It's an extra way to make your partner feel loved and appreciated inside and out, in ways that being "best friends" can't. There's another thread based on that very subject. I'd check that out as well.

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Spiritofnow Established Member

Spiritofnow

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Posted

I appreciate your frankness, Carvidepp,

 

I think I would be naive if I did not expect your kind of reaction - intimacy is a very emotive subject.

 

I know he wants me. When we are together that speaks for itself. We have been together for two years and he is very attentive to my needs and wants. We both struggle in this way - him more than me when we are apart....he has given me straight answers, but I guess, sometimes it feel frustrating that we don't seem to move forward as quickly as I would like. If I were a guy writing this post I think most people would tell me to be patient and understanding.

 

I think the biggest issue is how he views himself if he allows himself to be openly sexual towards me when we are apart.

 

I feel like I am betraying his trust in me posting this...I will have to tell him.

JacquesA.LeFrancais Member

JacquesA.LeFrancais

Posted
Posted
I appreciate your frankness, Carvidepp,

 

I think I would be naive if I did not expect your kind of reaction - intimacy is a very emotive subject.

 

I know he wants me. When we are together that speaks for itself. We have been together for two years and he is very attentive to my needs and wants. We both struggle in this way - him more than me when we are apart....he has given me straight answers, but I guess, sometimes it feel frustrating that we don't seem to move forward as quickly as I would like. If I were a guy writing this post I think most people would tell me to be patient and understanding.

 

I think the biggest issue is how he views himself if he allows himself to be openly sexual towards me when we are apart.

 

I feel like I am betraying his trust in me posting this...I will have to tell him.

 

 

You know, i've had a few different perspectives on this. My S/O and I have enjoyed a relatively healthy sexual relationship. We are open about it and honest. We probably aren't as...."virtually" intimate as we could be/used to be, or maybe as i'd like to be heh. But there are kids, and etc etc. When together, we are insatiable. Which, i must say i think it the norm. After 6-8 weeks apart, we tend to be more intimate than people who are together all the time...

 

now...

 

Once upon a time I was in a very different LDR. Where the S/O at the time made me feel like an animalistic horn dog wanted to do nothing but that. At the onset there were excuses first of religion, then that i wanted it too much, then that it hurt. After 6 months of this, i shut down. I felt belittled and like I was a pig or something. Then she started with "why don't you want me anymore" I was shocked. Not to go into gory details I will never forget the thing that made me shut down. We were at her pool she was wearing a suit obviously and took the top down. So...yeah, ok. Like...pub pool, naughtiness, etc etc. we go back to her place and she looked at me with incredulity. Saying "what, you want me? Again?" Now let me tell you guys. I had been there 3 days, never even remotely had tried to make a move as to not be called a pig or something. I felt like crap, and like 3 inches tall. I have more self esteem and self worth than that. I said no, showered and walked away. 2 visits (6 weeks) later I said enough was enough.

 

 

My point is. Talk about it before it gets too for far. Talk, if the love is there do the things you must to make it work. it isn't hard. You both sound like you want each other.

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Spiritofnow Established Member

Spiritofnow

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Posted

Thanks, Jacques,

 

I feel your pain concerning that dysfunctional relationship you experienced - I dated a guy who tried to make me feel like I was a prostitute if I was at all overtly affectionate. He had control issues. I like to think that the reflection of what I have choose now is healthy, but not without it's issues.

 

I have been shut-out. I was very honest about how I feel, and I am sure it was hard for him to hear, part of me wishes I hadn't expressed myself, but the healthy part of me knows I did the right thing. He asked for a day out to gather himself and his thoughts, but I also know that he is probably toying with the idea of withdrawing and protecting himself. As far as I am concerned no matter how uncomfortable this feels it's the right thing to do - for us to have these truths and deal with our feelings. I am hoping that by today he will feel a little less shell shocked and be ready to at least talk to me.

 

I am a truth seeker and sometimes being honest feels like the hardest thing to do, but I know it's right for me.

 

I am sending him lots of positive thoughts through the universe and I hope he can hear himself clearly irrespective of what that may mean for 'us'.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Spirit,

 

I totally hear you. I have soooooooooo had this problem on and off during my LDR... and more on than off. :) I guess it's just a difference of perception and needs... some people perceive 'cybersex' as a way to be intimate over a distance, some people just think it's not for them and it isn't much better than nothing at all. It is one of the greatest drawbacks of LDRs, IMO. I know many people in LDRs who just don't do the online intimacy thing.

 

I wish I have advice to offer... but I don't. I'd never managed to work this out over 2 years of LDR. Fortunately it seems I don't have to now, but still.

 

Wishing you all the best, and many many hugs... hopefully your bf comes to a great epiphany! ;)

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Spiritofnow Established Member

Spiritofnow

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Posted

Thanks, Elswyth

 

It's great to hear from you ; )

 

It's not so much about 'cyber sex' I am okay about missing out on that as it's not really my thing either, but I don't see why we can't flirt and create intimate moments via email and tweets. Just suggestive things, you know, create some imagery for us both to go off and do what we will with, or that just remind me that he thinks of me that way. I think that is a better balance than nothing. It's like that part of our relationship totally disappears while we are apart, and then reappears when we are back together. I find that dynamic confusing.

 

I hope I haven't been unreasonable? Oh, well, I am sure he will tell me his truths when he is ready. All I know is that it really bothers me when I initiate a flirty playful mail only to have it ignored.

 

I hope everything is going well for you. ; )

HeavenOrHell Established Member

HeavenOrHell

Posted
Posted

Coud it just be that he is shy about it? Whenever I was apart from my ex I would send him sexy letters but he said he couldn't write them back although he loved mine, he was just shy about it, but he was passionate when we were actually together.

Weird thing is my relationship now which is my first LDR seems to be the most passionate one I have had, because we have had to find other ways to be sexual when we're not together, I feel very sexual when we are apart.

Please to talk to your SO about it, while he might not feel able to send you sexy texts etc you will at least know why.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Hey,

 

I am doing very well indeed. :) Met up with the bf for dinner, then he had to go back to his home immediately cause he has an exam tomorrow. But I am learning that I don't need to maximize every single day when we are together anymore! :) Because we don't have to count the weeks and the days anymore. So I'm learning to just relax, and if I don't see him a particular weekend because he has to work a 32-hour weekend shift, well, I'll just see him on Monday or something! It's a lovely revelation. :)

 

But enough about me. ;)

 

Regarding the suggestive stuff... it has been in my experience that guys don't much like to do the 'suggestive' thing if they don't get to go all the way sometime in the near future. Perhaps not all guys... but many of them. To them I suppose it's like, "Why preheat the oven only to get the blue balls?"

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Spiritofnow Established Member

Spiritofnow

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"Why preheat the oven only to get the blue balls?"

 

You actuallly managed to make me LOL with that comment.:D Trust me he is not that kind of man.

 

It will work itself out...

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Spiritofnow Established Member

Spiritofnow

Posted
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Posted
You should mention something to your boyfriend, or even message him something that is overtly sexual or flirtatious. I know that at first although I loved when the bf would send me something I was uncomfortable because I had no idea how to respond!!! I still don't know, but I do my best. It is always nice to have a little reminder that the both of you are sexual beings who enjoy each other's company in that way[/b].

 

Thanks, LisaLee,

 

I think you are right in that we have to find our comfort zone in how we express our desires for one another when we are apart.

 

Things are good between us. He sent me a lovely email that made me feel special and desired. I don't think we ever really worked out what our expectations are while we are apart - we have more clarity now. You know, we are complex creatures at times and I think that some of my confusion is also based on my general confusion over relationships. I never had healthy role models as a child and I never really learned what 'healthy' love is. I am learning a lot through our relationship and sometimes the distance just make my learning more confused.

 

We always come back to a good place, though and we ultimately learn more about each other.

:)

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