fazleta Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 So - it took me two years I am ashamed to say to extract myself from my married man. We had long periods of NC where I told him to sort himself out. He never did and time and again I "forgave" him, gave him the benefit of the doubt, tried to support him whilst he left his wife (poor stupid fool that I am) but in the end told him he was diminishing me as a person. There were/are no excuses why he couldn't leave his wife. He just didn't want to at the end of the day. Lucky him, a wife who appears to love him, and a lover who appears to love him. Now,I want revenge. Twice in my life he has used me. The first time he left me with an unwanted pregnancy at the age of18 and the second time he promised he would leave his wife....i obviously have stupid written on my head. I left my husband for himon his promise he would leave his wife... yes, I know... So I want to tell his wife. Why should he cause this damage and getaway with it scott free? Why should he go home,leave me and my life in bits, and quaff wine and laugh and enjoy his cosy life? I want to tell her we have been in love for two years. I want to punish him. And I feel bad for those thoughts. I know I shouldn't do it, but I feel he's wrecked my life. Why shouldn't he share some of my pain. I guess I will get some vitriole. I really feel like a **** person.
pureinheart Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Will ruining his life be any consolation? In the end you still have to go on...many, many times I have wanted to seek revenge in my life and have had more than very good reason, although what good would it do me? My suggestion would be to use your energy in more productive ways that will enhance your own life...he's history. Anger, hatred and resentment only poison your physical body and cause it to be toxic...it sounds to me like you've had enough toxic, now it's time to get on with the good stuff. Oh and BTW, more so than not, the story book idea of how the OP's M is is usually just that...nothing more than an idea, an illusion...his M mostlikely isn't that great, lest he would not cheat...he may not be that great to live with, so you consider yourself fortunate that you got spared more misery...
TheLoneSock Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Just what are you upset about? You got involved with a married man. Now you're disappointed/shocked that he never left is marriage for you? It looks to me like you value the vows of marriage about as much as he does - very little. Don't waste your time on revenge. Chalk it up to experience.
wheelwright Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Will ruining his life be any consolation? In the end you still have to go on...many, many times I have wanted to seek revenge in my life and have had more than very good reason, although what good would it do me? My suggestion would be to use your energy in more productive ways that will enhance your own life...he's history. Anger, hatred and resentment only poison your physical body and cause it to be toxic...it sounds to me like you've had enough toxic, now it's time to get on with the good stuff. Oh and BTW, more so than not, the story book idea of how the OP's M is is usually just that...nothing more than an idea, an illusion...his M mostlikely isn't that great, lest he would not cheat...he may not be that great to live with, so you consider yourself fortunate that you got spared more misery... I thought this was a good answer, especially bolded part. I have never before in my life had vengeful feelings, but I do about xMOM. It's very unformed in my case - I don't really want him to suffer, but on the other hand he treated me poorly and sometimes the hurt I feel gets redirected back at him in the form of desiring him to be punished. Not all the time, sometimes I let go and wish him well. The thing about revenge is the ideas can become obsessive, in OP's case possibly replacing obsession of the A now it's over. But the type of revenge you are contemplating is very unlikely to make you feel any better. It may make you feel worse. It is also unlikely to split his M - though it may force he and his W to do some growing in their R. You will still be essentially powerless. And feeling nasty to boot. I think your feelings are understandable, but acting on them would be unwise. Anyway, take some time out to think - chances are you will begin to feel better eventually, and vengeful feelings will diminish.
Author fazleta Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Good advice - thankyou! Just one thing. Being a mistress means accepting second best. Accepting it's over and he has walked unscathed means we are accepting once again that we are not worthy? Just second class citizens? I take on board your good and valued advice and will continue to write letters and leave them where they are - on the laptop. Why did I believe him and why did he want to hurt me twice in my life? What did I do to deserve that? He told me over and over that he loved me. If that truly is love then I am well rid of it, and shall pick up my life, which is essentially happy when he's not in it, for the pain he caused me was all encompassing at times.
wheelwright Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Good advice - thankyou! Just one thing. Being a mistress means accepting second best. Accepting it's over and he has walked unscathed means we are accepting once again that we are not worthy? Just second class citizens? I take on board your good and valued advice and will continue to write letters and leave them where they are - on the laptop. Why did I believe him and why did he want to hurt me twice in my life? What did I do to deserve that? He told me over and over that he loved me. If that truly is love then I am well rid of it, and shall pick up my life, which is essentially happy when he's not in it, for the pain he caused me was all encompassing at times. Your worth is not measured by how scathed xAP is. Nor by his walking away. It is dangerous to view yourself as validated by his being there or not. You are worth something independently of him. I can understand feeling confused about him hurting you twice. It's the sort of thing I would make into a puzzle that I just need to solve and then I could feel better. But in reality, it's not a puzzle. It's unfortunate circumstances, and perhaps a man with little conscience. Or if there is a deeper meaning, the only one I can think of is that you have a Karmic connection with this man and you two needed to learn important lessons from one another. Or perhaps you attracted to the hurt he brought you because of unresolved childhood issues. I'm not sure which version sits better for you in terms of getting over it. I view my xAP with all three in mind! From some of the things you say I get the impression HE is still at the centre of how you are thinking about YOU (I made this mistake too). Think more about what YOU did and why, and less about what HE did. And have a good time being well rid of him, and being as positive about your life as you otherwise seem to be.
Author fazleta Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I can understand feeling confused about him hurting you twice. It's the sort of thing I would make into a puzzle that I just need to solve and then I could feel better. But in reality, it's not a puzzle. It's unfortunate circumstances, and perhaps a man with little conscience. Or if there is a deeper meaning, the only one I can think of is that you have a Karmic connection with this man and you two needed to learn important lessons from one another. Or perhaps you attracted to the hurt he brought you because of unresolved childhood issues. . This is extraordinarily interesting. We had a tremendous pull towards each other on both occasions and we often spoken about it, and I was an abused child. I think I may never have a healthy adult relationship to be honest. Maybe I need counselling...
jj33 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Fazleta I totally understand. After being jerked around for a long long time after the A had ended, I finally got to a point recently where I wanted revenge. I spent a day or two muttering about ruining him and bringing him to his knees. Thankfully a close friend who knows took me out, sat me down and smacked me upside the head (figuratively speaking). He said, I am worried about you. You are not a vengeful person etc etc etc. He talked me down from the ledge. Im not sure what I would have done but it was the hatred that was boiling up in me the desire to have vengeance for the wrongs that have been done to me. The desire to show him that there are consequences to his actions and that I matter. In the end it would have proven nothing and it would have shown that I was a bunny boiler. I would have lowered myself to a level I never want to reach. In the end what matter is that WE value ourselves. And that WE take better care of ourselves and never allow ourselves to be taken in by men who dont deserve us. Only we can exact that for ourselves. It really isnt about them in the end. They were the instruments of our own bad choices. It doesnt mean we deserve the blame for their misdeeds just that we need to be more vigilant in the future because not everyone is as nice as we are. At least that is how I see it. I hope that helps
Author fazleta Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Just what are you upset about? You got involved with a married man. Now you're disappointed/shocked that he never left is marriage for you? It looks to me like you value the vows of marriage about as much as he does - very little. Don't waste your time on revenge. Chalk it up to experience. I just wanted to tell you. I stayed in a marriage I wasn't happy in for 32 years. I wanted to leave after 5 years, but I stayed. I waited till my Mother died for fear of the upset I would cause her by my leaving and then I waited another 7 years for the children to be aged 22 and 25 and fully fledged. I did value the vows of my marriage. I tried my best. What followed was possibly naivety, but I am a trusting person and got sucked in. It's been a hard lesson to learn, but it's been learnt... so please don't judge too harshly when you don't know the full story. Whether it's mine or anyone else's.
lolapalooza Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) Confused... You saw him when you were 18, you broke it off, and then you were married for 32 years and went back to him after you divorced? Or were you seeing him while you were married? I understand your desire for revenge. But if he has been married for the same 32 years you have (or longer it seems), then she may not be open to starting over like you were. She may believe him if he throws you under the bus. Your revenge may backfire, and you may not get the satisfaction you desire. He could portray you as some psycho who has been trying to seduce him for 32 years! Question... Are you perhaps a little upset with yourself for taking him back? You knew he was still married, you could have continued NC. You chose to believe his lies and take him back. You mentioned you were foolish. Perhaps you are just as upset with yourself for falling for his line as you are at him for giving those lines to you? Edited July 12, 2010 by lolapalooza
Author fazleta Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 We went out when I was 18, we parted under very difficult circumstances, we never really said goodbye. Over the years I thought about him, about our special relationship, he had made me very happy. I had feelings of longing for him on occasions.... However I only thought about him, didn't see him, and relinquished him to the "never see him again" drawer. He contacted me out of the blue2 years ago and said he needed to see me. And that was the start of it. I tried so very hard to not see him, but to be honest he feels/felt like the only man I had ever had true love for. He apparently thought the same, but didn't have the balls to walk from his marriage.... Maybe I am glad my heart has been opened to love. Maybe he has done me a favour. I had no heart to speak of until I saw him again.
ladydesigner Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 The best revenge is to live happy and healthy. This is for sure;)
Confused4Now Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 This is for sure;)Yeah to bad many of us settled for crap for so long before we seen the light. Agreed always live your life to the fullest never depend completely on someone for your happiness. You have to make it.
pureinheart Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I thought this was a good answer, especially bolded part. I have never before in my life had vengeful feelings, but I do about xMOM. It's very unformed in my case - I don't really want him to suffer, but on the other hand he treated me poorly and sometimes the hurt I feel gets redirected back at him in the form of desiring him to be punished. Not all the time, sometimes I let go and wish him well. The thing about revenge is the ideas can become obsessive, in OP's case possibly replacing obsession of the A now it's over. But the type of revenge you are contemplating is very unlikely to make you feel any better. It may make you feel worse. It is also unlikely to split his M - though it may force he and his W to do some growing in their R. You will still be essentially powerless. And feeling nasty to boot. I think your feelings are understandable, but acting on them would be unwise. Anyway, take some time out to think - chances are you will begin to feel better eventually, and vengeful feelings will diminish. WW, lol I was there with exDM...after the horrible ordeal, I wanted them all to suffer...but I had to look after myself and forget them as the stress caused some health issues...it's just not worth it. When I think about it now I still feel the anger I felt then, but then snap back into today and see what a horrible dynamic they all had and how it has affected their lives in a major negative way. There is no joy in their pain, nor any happiness in the negative ways their lives have turned out...just sadness that their maturity level could not be higher. Now I am happy that I let go and let God because I would really feel bad as all of them except for exDM have gone down a wrong path (it's the same path they were on but much worse now). ExDM id doing good and I'm happy for him...I hope he finds love, real honest to goodness love...possibly for the first time in his life. I just wanted to tell you. I stayed in a marriage I wasn't happy in for 32 years. I wanted to leave after 5 years, but I stayed. I waited till my Mother died for fear of the upset I would cause her by my leaving and then I waited another 7 years for the children to be aged 22 and 25 and fully fledged. I did value the vows of my marriage. I tried my best. What followed was possibly naivety, but I am a trusting person and got sucked in. It's been a hard lesson to learn, but it's been learnt... so please don't judge too harshly when you don't know the full story. Whether it's mine or anyone else's. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone...it's difficult to explain all the details in a couple of posts and that is why I think it's best to ask questions first and let God do any judging that might be needed. BTW, that was way cool what you did where your mother is concerned...wow. I am so sorry you've gone through so much...((((hugs)))))
Dexter Morgan Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Now,I want revenge. Twice in my life he has used me. uh.....ahem....he is married. you shouldn't have made yourself available to him. only person entitled to any "revenge" or satisfaction here, and that has been used is his wife and your X. Why should he go home,leave me and my life in bits, and quaff wine and laugh and enjoy his cosy life? I want to tell her we have been in love for two years. I want to punish him. and what about your X husband? you think he is entitled to punish you if he were to desire such? sure, go ahead and punish him. tell her. And I feel bad for those thoughts. I know I shouldn't do it, but I feel he's wrecked my life. oh, but you would have been perfectly happy to wreck your x-husband's life and his wife's right?
Ellin Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 So - it took me two years I am ashamed to say to extract myself from my married man. We had long periods of NC where I told him to sort himself out. He never did and time and again I "forgave" him, gave him the benefit of the doubt, tried to support him whilst he left his wife (poor stupid fool that I am) but in the end told him he was diminishing me as a person. There were/are no excuses why he couldn't leave his wife. He just didn't want to at the end of the day. Lucky him, a wife who appears to love him, and a lover who appears to love him. Now,I want revenge. Twice in my life he has used me. The first time he left me with an unwanted pregnancy at the age of18 and the second time he promised he would leave his wife....i obviously have stupid written on my head. I left my husband for himon his promise he would leave his wife... yes, I know... So I want to tell his wife. Why should he cause this damage and getaway with it scott free? Why should he go home,leave me and my life in bits, and quaff wine and laugh and enjoy his cosy life? I want to tell her we have been in love for two years. I want to punish him. And I feel bad for those thoughts. I know I shouldn't do it, but I feel he's wrecked my life. Why shouldn't he share some of my pain. I guess I will get some vitriole. I really feel like a **** person. After reading your story I feel like taking "revenge" on your xMM myself. I totally understand you have these feelings. He's hurt you so badly that words can't explain. You have a deep need of some "justice" to be done. It would be strange if you didn't. But acting on them would probably not make you feel better. It could even make you feel worse in some ways. Seek counselling, confide in someone close to you, get emotional support, let these feelings out in a safer way. It could be anything - writing letters you won't send, doing a work of art (an angry one), enrolling on a boxing course (punchbag could be helpful)... I hope you'll find peace.
Recommended Posts