pollyanna22 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 It's been a while since I've been on here, but needed to share. Short version..We've been together since the age of 14, we've been married for 18 years. On September 25th 2008, I found out after a hard year of issues my husband was going to stay with his mom. He was having an affair with a women he met through work. I think he was in love with her, although he says he really was'nt...just the idea of her..whatever. Anyway we decided to move on and work things out, I however never moved on I don't think. I had an affair over a year ago, that I admitted to after I found out about him..we still tried to move on and forgive eachother. We even decided to renew our wedding vows, we even got new rings..before that happend however he decided he needed to be honest with me and he told me of about 10..yes 10 other women he cheated with...I still forgave, or so I thought. It's been 2 years and the more time goes on the more angry I get, some days are good, i can even go weeks and be very happy with him, but something always triggers the disgust I feel.. I feel like I will never have peace with this as long as I"m with him..I love him, but not sure if it's enough anymore, I don't want to end up hating him. I feel like I'm going crazy, I even went as far as to send a fake e-mail to him pretending to be someone for him to figure out who it was, so I could see what he would do..the obvious person whould be "her" the responses were not so good..he talked of going to her place and the memories he had. Nothing bad about me, he even said he was happy, but the other things were hurtful, he should of just ignored her..well "me", I know I'm wrong for messing with his head but I had to know something..anything. Am I crazy, and why can't I get strong enought to just leave! why does it have to take so long!
Posh Polly Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 It's time. You're still young. Life is too short for this nonsense! Get out as soon as you can. Yes it will hurt, yes you will be lonely.... But I promise it's temporary.
Author pollyanna22 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Tx..I think part of my problem is I feel guilty, we separated for 3 months when it all happend and it affected the kids..I made the choice to take him back, I'm afraid to put them all through it again ..I don't believe in staying for the kids, thats not why we stayed together to begin with,but I just want them to be ok too.
norajane Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 You're teaching your kids that love means staying in a bad marriage even when you're married to a serial cheater you don't trust and who could cheat with #11 or #12 at any time in the future because he is fundamentally the same person who cheated with #1-#10. I don't think that's the the kind of relationship and family atmosphere that you want your kids growing up in, or believing is healthy and the way things are supposed to be at home. They'll be better off with a mother who is at peace instead of a mother who is feeling the need to make up fake emails to test her husband's fidelity. You really, really, really don't have to forgive him. You really, really, really don't have to stay married to him or keep trying to work this out. You really don't.
Author pollyanna22 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 and the worst part is, Sometimes I want to catch him..god I'm a mess!
Spark1111 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Obviously, you have huge trust issues with very good reason. Have you and he done MC? IC? I believe you are still testing his boundaries because he doesn't have any too firmly entrenched. This needs to be discussed immediately. Whether you stay or go.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Okay this might sound evil but I would set him up! Play along with the emails and pretending to be this other woman...and then set a date and a place to meet up with him "for old times sake"! Then bam! Honestly..if this guy can still encage himself with emails from women...he seriously has no intentions of quiting his infedilities. He is so full of himself that neither you or your kids cross his mind. Fool me once your a fool...but fool me 5,6,7,8,9.& 10 times...and still reply to emails from OW...sheesh!!!!
Author pollyanna22 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Yes we go to mc but it does nothing but bring stuff up again. And I wish I could set him up but he texted the girl he thought it was and she told him to leave her alnoe, I don't think he will fall for a set up, and he did'nt fool me that many times...I found out all at once about all of it , hoping he really wanted to change, I know it sounds crazy but thats how I see it I guess. If I had found out about the first one and forgave, and then it happend again I'd be out, and I'd be out now If it happend, I just have no proof! tx for the response.
Author pollyanna22 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 there could be many answers to that, I supose tho, I'd be very sad and afraid for a while, but I have a lot of friends and family, i'm not scared of the money part, my parents have a house with an apartment, witch they already told me they'd let me move into the house and they'd move back in the apartment, at least till I got on my feet, they are close to my kids so it would be very helpful, I work full time too..so that is'nt an issue, I'm more afraid of making a mistake, what if I am supose to be with him? I don't know..
norajane Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) I'm more afraid of making a mistake, what if I am supose to be with him? I don't know.. Supposed to be with him? What does that mean? I'm supposed to be at work by 9am. I'm supposed to brush my teeth at least twice a day. I'm supposed to eat fruits and vegetables. I'm supposed to water the houseplants weekly. I'm supposed to feed and clothe my children. I'm supposed to change my oil every 3 months or 3,000 miles. How does, "I'm supposed to stay married to a lying, serial cheater husband" fit into "supposed to"? Here's what "supposed to" means: be supposed to + infinitive = should Supposed to in this sense means that something should be done because it is the law, the rule or the custom. However, in practice it is often not done: I’m supposed to tidy my room before I go to bed at night, but I always tidy it when I get up in the morning instead.In Germany you’re not supposed to walk on the grass in the parks, but in England you can.I’m supposed to return these books by Friday, but I’m not sure whether I can. In the past tense, it is used to mean that something was planned or intended to happen, but did not happen. Note that in these examples, we can use should have as an alternative to was supposed to: I was supposed to go to Cuba for a conference last year but then I got ill and couldn’t go.Wasn’t Tom supposed to be here for lunch? I wonder what’s happened to him!I should have gone to Cuba for a conference last year but then I got ill and couldn’t go.Shouldn’t Tom have been here for lunch? I wonder what’s happened to him! Or, to put it even more clearly: Your husband was SUPPOSED TO stay faithful and not cheat on you. Instead, he cheated with 10 or 11 other women. So, why SHOULD you stay married to him? Edited July 16, 2010 by norajane
Author pollyanna22 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Yea, that sounds wrong does'nt it. When I say "supose" to, I mean it to be spiritural. For some reason I've grown up believing there is someone for everyone..like Fate..like soul mate, my parents have been married since 18 they are in their 60's. I never heard them fight, my dad is god to me and my mom's the best, I think I grew up wtih the expectatiions that love conquers all..sounds flighty I know, thats why when I say "supose" to be with him, what if thats whats written in the stars for us. Of course this way of thinking has changed a lot! for me, now but it's still in the back of my mind, that there is hope, for that delusional undying love.
norajane Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) Yea, that sounds wrong does'nt it. When I say "supose" to, I mean it to be spiritural. For some reason I've grown up believing there is someone for everyone..like Fate..like soul mate, my parents have been married since 18 they are in their 60's. I never heard them fight, my dad is god to me and my mom's the best, I think I grew up wtih the expectatiions that love conquers all..sounds flighty I know, thats why when I say "supose" to be with him, what if thats whats written in the stars for us. Of course this way of thinking has changed a lot! for me, now but it's still in the back of my mind, that there is hope, for that delusional undying love. So, first, love does not conquer all. It's too bad we grow up believing that fairy tale, because that belief causes a lot of people needless grief. Second, why would you think it's written in the stars that YOU are supposed to be with a man who has repeatedly cheated on you? And third, maybe it's written in the stars that there is man you are supposed to be with, and your husband's cheating coming to light is a sign that you are not with the right man and need to leave him and find the the right one? That the man you are supposed to be with is still out there, looking for you and hoping you'll show up soon? If you're going to hope, hope for someone who treats you better and with more respect than your H has shown you. The longer you stay with your H, the longer it will be until you find peace. Edited July 16, 2010 by norajane
Author pollyanna22 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 Thankyou for your reply, that really makes me think. I guess I just wish there was a magic button to push and I'd wake up one day and just say it's over..and mean it and move on without any doubt...maybe it will happen someday, hopefully soon!
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