Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Has anyone dated someone who has recently returned from a deployment? I've just met someone new who has 10 years in the army, and just returned from his second deployment. First one was to Iraq, three months after we went in (when thing were particuarly, uh, dicey), and the most recent was Afghanistan. He has scars galore on his body from various war injuries, not to mention sustaining small physical handicaps and chronic problems from said injuries, but he *seems* to be otherwise mentally intact. He appears well-adjusted, happy, and talks about the war and life in general with the same level of ease. Any advice on what I might expect is welcomed.
Engadget Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Look out for the signs of PTSD is all I can say. I had a friend go from shy, kind of nerdy guy who was obsessed with Star Wars to loud, drunken boisterous crazy guy who almost attacked me a few times for just being there.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Look out for the signs of PTSD is all I can say. I had a friend go from shy, kind of nerdy guy who was obsessed with Star Wars to loud, drunken boisterous crazy guy who almost attacked me a few times for just being there. Yeah, that's what my friends have warned me about. I guess considering what he's been through, two tours on the front lines, injuries, I find it hard to imagine he isn't struggling inside. I just don't know how this could manifest.
CLC2008 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Has anyone dated someone who has recently returned from a deployment? I've just met someone new who has 10 years in the army, and just returned from his second deployment. First one was to Iraq, three months after we went in (when thing were particuarly, uh, dicey), and the most recent was Afghanistan. He has scars galore on his body from various war injuries, not to mention sustaining small physical handicaps and chronic problems from said injuries, but he *seems* to be otherwise mentally intact. He appears well-adjusted, happy, and talks about the war and life in general with the same level of ease. Any advice on what I might expect is welcomed. Sounds like a fellow member/poster. He can probably offer some sage advice.
skydiveaddict Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I've had one tour in Iraq, two in Afghanistan, I came back last time w/PTSD, but some counseling & meds fixed me right up. I wouldn't worry too much about it
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I've had one tour in Iraq, two in Afghanistan, I came back last time w/PTSD, but some counseling & meds fixed me right up. I wouldn't worry too much about it OK, cool. That's reassuring! When you came home, did you find you wanted to talk about the war, or not at all? He seems to rather enjoy talking about life over there, rather than shutting it all out.
skydiveaddict Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 OK, cool. That's reassuring! When you came home, did you find you wanted to talk about the war, or not at all? He seems to rather enjoy talking about life over there, rather than shutting it all out. I don't mind talking about it. It just never seems to come up in conversation.. Except for my nephews, they want to know if I have killed anyone
seren Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 My H has served 27 years in the military and has seen action in Northern Ireland, Bosnia, Falklands, Iraq, Afghan etc etc They can just want to shut down when they come home while they try to get back into the routine of life at home. We now live on camp, so it is easier than it was when he lived here and I lived in our home some 200 miles away. He has also been used to lads company and all that goes with that, I cut him lots of slack. We often go away in our caravan or camping when he gets home, just to ease back into peace and quiet and non demands, just him, me and the dogs. I don't probe, but drop all when he needs to talk, hug often, don't expect too much from him, don't expect him to be all romantic, just let him be. His last but one tour hit him the worse, he lost some of his Sqn, he came home with PTSD, not that we recognised it at the time, he shut down, became a very different man, had an affair and us married for 26 years. So, not the best of times, but he and we are through the worse of that, he is out again in November, we will have Christmas when he comes home. My advice, don't expect too much, a gentle easing into life is best, lots of quiet time as well as the celebrations. If you notice any real change in behaviour, try to get him to talk - wish I had.
TouchedByViolet Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 War can profoundly affect people... Be cautious and realize even if things can work out between you two it will involve work on both sides
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 My ex-ex (military guy) had returned from deployment a few months before we started dating. He had been to Iraq, Afghanistan, and Uzbekistan. Everything was fine, until one night when he woke up from a bad dream thinking I was a "bad guy." (It wasn't pretty.) He cried. He lost 2 of his buddies over there, held one in his arms when he took his last breath. He was never physically injured, but the emotional scars will be with him for a long time.
JustJoe Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Jill, 4-5 tours here to Iraq and Afghanistan, one tour split by wounds and PTSD. I'm over the disorder, through medication and counseling, so it's no big deal now. I wouldn't worry too much about your guy, unless he begins to show symptoms. Mood swings, sleeplessness, anger, withdrawal, alcoholism are a few. Patience and understanding are what most of us needed. I particularily responded to activities that were completely unrelated to the War. Something as simple as cooking, home repair,sports, etc helped me the most. Families , friends, and especially lady friends are huge factors in recovery. Be understanding and kind, but not patronizing or smothering. If that makes any sense.
JustJoe Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 My H has served 27 years in the military and has seen action in Northern Ireland, Bosnia, Falklands, Iraq, Afghan etc etc They can just want to shut down when they come home while they try to get back into the routine of life at home. We now live on camp, so it is easier than it was when he lived here and I lived in our home some 200 miles away. He has also been used to lads company and all that goes with that, I cut him lots of slack. We often go away in our caravan or camping when he gets home, just to ease back into peace and quiet and non demands, just him, me and the dogs. I don't probe, but drop all when he needs to talk, hug often, don't expect too much from him, don't expect him to be all romantic, just let him be. His last but one tour hit him the worse, he lost some of his Sqn, he came home with PTSD, not that we recognised it at the time, he shut down, became a very different man, had an affair and us married for 26 years. So, not the best of times, but he and we are through the worse of that, he is out again in November, we will have Christmas when he comes home. My advice, don't expect too much, a gentle easing into life is best, lots of quiet time as well as the celebrations. If you notice any real change in behaviour, try to get him to talk - wish I had. This is extremely good advice. Seren, you seem to be really on top of things and I wish you all of the happiness in the world.
JustJoe Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 One other thing, no sudden ,loud , unexpected noises, as much as possible. For a while.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Thanks, everyone. First off, I was mistaken about his tours. He did two in Afghanistan, and one in Iraq. My error. Sky - you could be him, with your record. lol And, hopefully he withstands the test of time as well as you have fared. Thanks for the comments. Seren - thanks for sharing your story. You certainly have lived it! I didn't know him before he was military, so it's hard to gauge any differences in his personality. For now, he seems to be pretty clingy, but I'm not sure if that's because of me being so fabulous (), or him feeling needy. I ask him what he missed most about being away (because I am fine acquiescing to his desires when it comes to dating and social options), and he always tells me he just missed being with people. I know his army buddies try to see him and get together, and he seems to have little interest in that, citing that he just spent 14 months with these men. I get the feeling the more mudane aspects of life turn him on the most right now. And sorry for the troubles in your M the war has caused you... Touched - I agree wholeheartedly. This is what I find perplexing about him. His personality overall is very easy-going, and the fact he *seems* unaffected is odd to me. I know even I survived active duty, I think the fallout would wreck me. I find his calmness almost eerie... Star - that's what I'm afraid of. The random act out of nowhere. He has killed people, seen 2 friends die, and suffered some substantial damage to his own body, of which he will bear after effects for his lifetime. It breaks my heart, honestly, to see what our men come home like and know what they've endured. Joe - I do think he drinks more than I would like, and I wonder about that. Of course, I'm not a big drinker at all, so more than two drinks and I think someone is an alcoholic. Beyond that, I will be on the lookout for the other signs as you mentioned. We talk about his deployments a lot, but I haven't sat there and cried and told him how horrible I think war is, or what he went through. Basically, I haven't patronized or pitied him, as you warned against. And like I told Seren, he does seem to enjoy the minutae of life. I get that, I really do. But, I think we talk about his war time so much because it's still an active part of his life. He still goes to drill every month, and does plan on hitting his 20 years with the army. So, it's not like he did a tour, came home, and wants to erase it, you know? This is still his career. And he still engages in all that comes with it, as he owns many weapons and likes to go shooting, etc. (I now have some great pics of the Bean with an assault rifle, as he's teaching me to shoot - lol). I also suffer from PTSD, so I would be just as jumpy about noises, if not more so. But, great advice from everyone, thanks.
JustJoe Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Jill, I hunt and shoot, too, because as a farm boy it is part of my family life, and reconnecting is all to the good. I really think that this guy seems to have himself under control, and wouldn't worry too much. You are right about the pity issue. Nothing hampers readjustment so much as treating a returning veteran like a wounded child.
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Star - that's what I'm afraid of. The random act out of nowhere. He has killed people, seen 2 friends die, and suffered some substantial damage to his own body, of which he will bear after effects for his lifetime. It breaks my heart, honestly, to see what our men come home like and know what they've endured. It only happened once, and it seemed like it was a bit of a breakthrough for him. He seemed to...chill out, after that incident. It was like he let out everything he'd been carrying around. And FWIW, he seriously considered returning to the Middle East after he was discharged (with a well-known, high paying private security company). When I asked him why he'd want to go back, he acted like it wasn't that bad. *shrug*
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Jill, I hunt and shoot, too, because as a farm boy it is part of my family life, and reconnecting is all to the good. I really think that this guy seems to have himself under control, and wouldn't worry too much. You are right about the pity issue. Nothing hampers readjustment so much as treating a returning veteran like a wounded child. I guess I'm projecting my own feelings that I'd be a total weinie. lol. He does seem to be doing OK, which I still find purely amazing. No, no pity whatsoever. Well, you know my politics are such that I like talking about the war anyhow - lol, so getting real insight from someone who just came home is fascinating in many ways. So, we talk about it, but I don't sit there with a curled lip and misty eyes. And FWIW, he seriously considered returning to the Middle East after he was discharged (with a well-known, high paying private security company). When I asked him why he'd want to go back, he acted like it wasn't that bad. *shrug* Yes, soldier boy tells me although he gets paid pretty well from the army, the real money over there is to go back as a contractor, so your guy had the right idea. And soldier boy also keeps volunteering to re-enlist, too! Said the last time was because his friends were all going, and he felt a sense of obligation to go back with them. Hell, I don't even feel obligated to show up for "girls night out", let alone fly my ass to the Middle East to get shot at. lol But, there is something about the mentality of these men who return over and over. I'm rather in awe, to be honest. Separately, his personality is incredibly laid back, very mellow, he's expressive, emotive, and sweet. And it amazes me further someone can retain these traits after spending time in a combat zone.
seren Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 One of the things that helps while they are deployed are letters and parcels from home. I usually send a letter a day, easier these days with e blueys, than before when letters took forever. I tend to ramble on about me and dogs and what we are having for dinner, just the everyday nonsense that helps him to feel in touch and get some normality. I send parcels, often, usually with photos, music, sweets, biscuits, and a few funny things which I know will make him smile. When he is coming home, there are no banners or balloons, just his favourite meal, some really good coffee and cold beer, oh and a lovely hot bath and clean civvies. We just dump all his kit in the spare room, and usually sit outside, whatever the weather, just catching up. He usually takes our dogs out for a long walk to get re acquianted, the next day we head off to our favourite remote spot in our motorhome and he just soaks up the green and peace and quiet. I have learned over the years what works and what doesn't, it is hard being home and waiting for them, the Falklands was possibly the worse as we lost a lot of our friends, but everytime he goes away it is bad, it is harder when you are not in the military system as you can feel isolated, but there are online forums and support groups now for partners and family. We have 4 years left before he completes 30 years (and a bit), I am counting the days.
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Separately, his personality is incredibly laid back, very mellow, he's expressive, emotive, and sweet. And it amazes me further someone can retain these traits after spending time in a combat zone. My military guy definitely did not have those qualities (well, the last one yes, but the rest no)!! But, there was something about the uniform... even just the fatigues, shirtless...
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Seren - it's an extremely challenging life to be a military wife! I don't think I could handle it, frankly. I give you a LOT of credit. Hang in there, sister. You're so close to retirement! Here in the States, you get it after 20 years. I know soldier boy is planning on hitting 20. I don't plan on staying with him long enough before he gets deployed again, honestly. I truly don't think I could muster the strength. It sounds like when your husband is home, you don't deal much with the lifestyle. SB still participates in it, however. It's funny you mention the bath. I have a big roman tub, and soldier boy is dying to soak in it. I think they really miss that over there. Star - yes, he likes me to put on the fatigue jacket and nothing else. I find it kinda scratchy, actually. lol
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Soldier Boy is blowing hot and cold. One minute he is so far up my butt he can't see the sun and can't get enough of me, and then he goes MIA into his little shell, and pretty much avoids human contact. Is this something typical of a returning vet? I've not experienced this with other guys during early dating. He's very black and white with this, it seems, and it's difficult to manage. He told me the other day he isn't very good with emotions. I get that - I mean, killing people and seeing death has to really mess with your head and heart in ways I'll never experience. Vets and former military GF's/wives - is this typical?
CLC2008 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 He told me the other day he isn't very good with emotions. I get that - I mean, killing people and seeing death has to really mess with your head and heart in ways I'll never experience. Vets and former military GF's/wives - is this typical? I haven't dated someone in the military, but I have dated someone in law enforcement. So to answer your question in short, yes. Emotions aren't an option in the field, and to go from one extreme to the other, I am sure is difficult.
Author Jilly Bean Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 I haven't dated someone in the military, but I have dated someone in law enforcement. So to answer your question in short, yes. Emotions aren't an option in the field, and to go from one extreme to the other, I am sure is difficult. Funny you say that - I was just telling a friend that he's like a former BF was in LE. I guess when you see the horrors of life all day, it's hard to switch into soft and fuzzy mode. Or even have a desire for it. Thanks, CLC.
CLC2008 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Funny you say that - I was just telling a friend that he's like a former BF was in LE. I guess when you see the horrors of life all day, it's hard to switch into soft and fuzzy mode. Or even have a desire for it. Thanks, CLC. No prob!
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