wheelwright Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 And why? And is it right/healthy? If it's because of chemistry, or hurt, why do we need to isolate ourselves? It seems strange to me, as we are encouraged to meet and work through our problems head on and not do burying our heads in the sand. This is really running away from our emotions, isn't it? Honestly, I'm the sort of person who could quite happily maintain contact between all involved, where honesty and boundaries were newly in place. Perhaps this would lead to a better place than revenge/anger/guilt scenarios that are put in place after DDay or A split usually. It's like the opposite of phobia therapy. That makes sense. Anti-desire therapy? Who made this rule? Why? Is there another way that might be healthier? Is it because everyone secretly knows that A love was so powerful that there would be no way of escaping it other than NC (running away). And do we all agree to it cos that's what counsellors say? This is in part devil's advocate to explore, partly geuine. And is there any other life situation where NC is so heartily recommended?
fooled once Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I guess I don't understand the question... No Contact after a relationship has ended...especially a relationship built on secrecy and lies. Are you saying you should be able to be buddies/friends with the married person? Does that include the wife? Don't you think the wife/husband would have quite a bit of an issue with the person their spouse was cheating on them with being their buddy? Relationships end. People get hurt. Tripped that for an affair, IMHO. Especially when so much lying and deception has been going on.
califnan Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 WW, It took me two years to do NC.. I felt the whole time that it was to happen Within Myself.. I too thought I was personable enough to contine on a friendship level w communication and congeniality and all that mattered was that I knew the score.. It just doesn't work to remain in communication when you care about the Wrong person.. anything they say to you can give you false hope - for what is Not supposed to be.. I did however pride myself in giving out a wonderful gracious goodbye .. before NC .. and I look back with no regrets.. In my situation I am Certain that if this man has come on to me - then he remains anything but lonely .. He has his wife, and any others who were in the picture besides me .. So that leaves him in a happy place.. And me feeling a lot more complete in attending to my life and priorities .. while Not enhancing his life and marriage. So you see, NC's not such a bad thing afterall..
pureinheart Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 No mostlikely not. And why? Other types of R's may require NC. I would suggest NC in any sitch where a person is dealing with a person/sitch that is potentially harmful physically/mentally. And is it right/healthy? If it is required...and the requirement would be the sitches described above. If it's because of chemistry, or hurt, why do we need to isolate ourselves? If it is because of these two reasons then possible the two people should reconsider the reasons for NC or not enter into it at all and decide if they should be together or not. It seems strange to me, as we are encouraged to meet and work through our problems head on and not do burying our heads in the sand. This is really running away from our emotions, isn't it? Well, if one person is not in agreement to be together then that is a whole different dynamic that could possibly require NC if the other P is not willing to respect the reasons for the R not continuing. Honestly, I'm the sort of person who could quite happily maintain contact between all involved, where honesty and boundaries were newly in place. Perhaps this would lead to a better place than revenge/anger/guilt scenarios that are put in place after DDay or A split usually. This would of course be the ideal...I've personally seen it work before. It's like the opposite of phobia therapy. That makes sense. Anti-desire therapy? Quite possibly:) Who made this rule? Why? Is there another way that might be healthier? For me, I wonder if my ego didn't get in the way...ego=anger/resentment/bitterness IMO Is it because everyone secretly knows that A love was so powerful that there would be no way of escaping it other than NC (running away). Many times (and this goes for any R) NC is the only option because for some reason people just can't get along. I personally hate NC as it was a grueling experience for me. And do we all agree to it cos that's what counsellors say? No, I knew in my sitch it was the only option. This is in part devil's advocate to explore, partly geuine. And is there any other life situation where NC is so heartily recommended Hi WW, many do not enforce boundries, nor do they know how to respect anothers boundries...in this case I would say NC is a must...also in abuse cases. Other than these sitches, I would say no. How's everything WW...you ok...I hope you are:)
pureinheart Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Hi WW, I thought of another instance where NC could be useful...limited NC...when a couple is fighting and need to go to their separate corners for a time...NC for cooling off...
Trimmer Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) "NC" isn't an all-purpose, one-size-fits-all cleaner for the end of a relationship. So, to the question implied in your post - is NC the way? - I would answer "Not always." In very general terms, I think NC is a tool that is useful when you have a relationship that you know is ending, there's no useful purpose served by having further contact, and in fact, further contact is causing unnecessary pain or other difficulty in moving on with your life. NC in its most useful form is a protective measure for yourself, not a means of influencing or manipulating someone else or the intended forward progress of a relationship. So, in answer to your direct question: no, affairs are not the only relationships in which NC can be a benefit. It's just that they are a type of relationship in which you are fairly likely to find the conditions in which NC is most beneficial: a relationship known to be ending, no positive purpose served by further contact, and further contact may actually be harmful. NC may be the answer to the question: how do I protect myself, and start healing and moving on? NC is not an effective answer to the question: how do I affect, influence, or manipulate someone else? Edited July 12, 2010 by Trimmer
jj33 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 WW I think there are different reasons for NC depending on who you are in the triangle and some of those same reasons would be valid in other situations. If you are the MP then even if you can handle it, sometimes its out of respect for your spouse. I hate to cite Sex and the City but for example when Carrie invites Big to Aidans country house - do you really invite the AP to your SO's house just because YOU are over it? No you dont And if I were a BS I would want to know that my H had cut off ALL contact. No grey lines there. Doesnt matter if he had reformed and become a saint I still wouldnt want him speaking to her and I would expect him to accept that boundary. If you are the AP people recommend it so that you can move on. This could be equally valid in any other romantic relationship where there are still feelings I would suggest to you that you are only asking because there are still feelings there IS still chemistry. Once that is gone people tend not to care as much about the friendship. And when is it gone. I just had a dream last night that woke me up in the middle of the night, I was at a hotel, opened the door to my room and MM was there. I forgot for a moment the events of the past 2 years and when I sat down next to him he said Ive moved on this can only be casual and some redhead was standing at the other side of the room saying MM Im here how long is this going to take we have to go. So even tho I think Im over it, my subconscious is still processing it. I do my best to stay out of situations where he might be present and minimize all other contact with him.
Fallen Angel Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 "NC" isn't an all-purpose, one-size-fits-all cleaner for the end of a relationship. So, to the question implied in your post - is NC the way? - I would answer "Not always." In very general terms, I think NC is a tool that is useful when you have a relationship that you know is ending, there's no useful purpose served by having further contact, and in fact, further contact is causing unnecessary pain or other difficulty in moving on with your life. NC in its most useful form is a protective measure for yourself, not a means of influencing or manipulating someone else or the intended forward progress of a relationship. So, in answer to your direct question: no, affairs are not the only relationships in which NC can be a benefit. It's just that they are a type of relationship in which you are fairly likely to find the conditions in which NC is most beneficial: a relationship known to be ending, no positive purpose served by further contact, and further contact may actually be harmful. NC may be the answer to the question: how do I protect myself, and start healing and moving on? NC is not an effective answer to the question: how do I affect, influence, or manipulate someone else? This is the best single answer to any question I have ever seen posted on LS!
ladydesigner Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 WW, It took me two years to do NC.. I felt the whole time that it was to happen Within Myself.. I too thought I was personable enough to contine on a friendship level w communication and congeniality and all that mattered was that I knew the score.. It just doesn't work to remain in communication when you care about the Wrong person.. anything they say to you can give you false hope - for what is Not supposed to be.. I did however pride myself in giving out a wonderful gracious goodbye .. before NC .. and I look back with no regrets.. In my situation I am Certain that if this man has come on to me - then he remains anything but lonely .. He has his wife, and any others who were in the picture besides me .. So that leaves him in a happy place.. And me feeling a lot more complete in attending to my life and priorities .. while Not enhancing his life and marriage. So you see, NC's not such a bad thing afterall.. The bolded is why I went NC. I was naive for thinking we could still be friends yet with each email came another tear to my heart. I was torturing myself. NC has given me clarity and freedom from pain. If that means running away from my emotions, then HELL YES I needed to run away and fast.
califnan Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 The bolded is why I went NC. I was naive for thinking we could still be friends yet with each email came another tear to my heart. I was torturing myself. NC has given me clarity and freedom from pain. If that means running away from my emotions, then HELL YES I needed to run away and fast. ---------------------- I totally agree LD..
Author wheelwright Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 "NC" isn't an all-purpose, one-size-fits-all cleaner for the end of a relationship. So, to the question implied in your post - is NC the way? - I would answer "Not always." In very general terms, I think NC is a tool that is useful when you have a relationship that you know is ending, there's no useful purpose served by having further contact, and in fact, further contact is causing unnecessary pain or other difficulty in moving on with your life. NC in its most useful form is a protective measure for yourself, not a means of influencing or manipulating someone else or the intended forward progress of a relationship. So, in answer to your direct question: no, affairs are not the only relationships in which NC can be a benefit. It's just that they are a type of relationship in which you are fairly likely to find the conditions in which NC is most beneficial: a relationship known to be ending, no positive purpose served by further contact, and further contact may actually be harmful. NC may be the answer to the question: how do I protect myself, and start healing and moving on? NC is not an effective answer to the question: how do I affect, influence, or manipulate someone else? I agree with FA that this is a great answer.
Author wheelwright Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 The bolded is why I went NC. I was naive for thinking we could still be friends yet with each email came another tear to my heart. I was torturing myself. NC has given me clarity and freedom from pain. If that means running away from my emotions, then HELL YES I needed to run away and fast. Sounds healthy for you LD. Overall, I am thoroughly persuaded that NC is often the best route. But there is definately something about it that goes against the grain in me. I never find it easy to sever ties with people I love. And I grew up thinking it was wrong to do so. But I never really learnt to protect myself either.
Ellin Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) NC can be useful in some situations, but is not a remedy to every problem or some kind of moral obligation while dealing with difficult Rs. In fact, I think that NC can potentially do more harm than good. I managed to separate myself from a toxic man and move on with my life, while being in contact with him the whole time despite the "experts" claiming that it was never possible without going NC. I even believe that I would have been hooked on him for much longer if I was NC. I am a person who prefers to resolve things while being in the middle of them, seeing clearly what's going on and proactively looking for solutions. As long as there is something to sort out I don't cut myself off as it would only lead to things remaining unresolved and then counting on time to heal the wounds... That would not be likely to bring closure and peace IMO. When everything is over, then contact can be maintained if all the parties are on good terms or there is hope for that to happen - that would be the best scenario and can be possible. Edited July 12, 2010 by Ellin
ladydesigner Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Sounds healthy for you LD. Overall, I am thoroughly persuaded that NC is often the best route. But there is definately something about it that goes against the grain in me. I never find it easy to sever ties with people I love. And I grew up thinking it was wrong to do so. But I never really learnt to protect myself either. I am the same EXACT way in this thinking. NC is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I no longer have that pain that comes with being "friends" with XOM so it has to be having some good effect on me. Plus it would be disrespectful to my H if I were still in contact. I think my XOM really did want to be "just friends". I couldn't do it. My feelings were still too invested in him and probably still would be if I maintained the "friendship".
califnan Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I managed to separate myself from a toxic man and move on with my life, while being in contact with him the whole time despite the "experts" claiming that it was never possible without going NC. I even believe that I would have been hooked on him for much longer if I was NC. . ----------------------- Everyone must do what is right for them as long as the end result is to go on with their life while in a wrong relationship. In my situation, I tried to overcome while in (daily) communication .. but it was not possible until complete NC.
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