spookie Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 When I first met my bf, I thought he was hilarious, but I didn't give a second thought to any of his other positive characteristics. We both drank a lot, so I assumed he was at least as much of a fcvk-up as I am. Lately, though, I've begun to notice that: -He is headed toward an exciting, lucrative career, while mine is nothing to write home about -He's tall, very muscular, with big blue eyes, while I am too much of a s!htshow to be able to wake up on time to do my hair, put on makeup, or iron my clothes in the morning -He is charismatic and hilarious, while I teeter between awkward and makes-people-uncomfortable -He is good with his finances, while I choose to ignore mine -He's neat an organized; I'm a slob -He spends his evenings networking with high-powered exec types, while I'm at home smoking pot We have a great time together, and I know he cares about me, but lately, I've become conscious of the fact that he may be "out of my league", as they say. How do I get over feeling insecure about my short-comings? I am working on improving all the things I don't like about myself, but it's a slow process, and I don't want to start hating myself for behind him in life, because that's an attitude that I think can be very self-defeating.
Art_Critic Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 -He spends his evenings networking with high-powered exec types, while I'm at home smoking pot Dude.. you are not all those things you posted about.. I know for fact you are the exact opposite.. Why has your self esteem taken a dump ? Maybe laying off the pot would help..
Enchanted Girl Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 If he still respects you regardless of all that and doesn't feel like he's better than you, then your relationship is fine. Try to feel better about yourself and not treat the relationship like it's a score board that you have to score highly enough in. If it makes you feel any better, my Dad is a respected judge, very good in social situations, very intelligent, and very stable. My Mom on the other hand is very emotional, very embarrassing (she has humiliated me too many times to count in public), very socially awkward, and honestly not as good looking as my Dad. People have directly told my Mom, in front of me before that my Dad is "too good" for my Mom. She drinks and my Dad doesn't. He works, my Mom doesn't, etc., etc. My Dad, on the other hand, always says to my Mom that his life would be boring without her and I will say this, my Mom is a very different and exciting type of person while my Dad on the other hand is very boring. XD And that he couldn't imagine his life without her. They've been married 35 years. People don't always want someone who's just like them and it doesn't matter what other people think about who's in your league or who is not, as long as your partner doesn't feel that way.
Author spookie Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Dude.. you are not all those things you posted about.. I know for fact you are the exact opposite.. Why has your self esteem taken a dump ? Maybe laying off the pot would help.. It could very well be the pot. I had actually stopped using it altogether December - May, and I was feeling great about myself, but I went back because: -pot helps me exercise (I had gained a bunch of weight) -pot helps me not fly off the handle at the drop of a hat (after I quit I teetered to the very edge of losing my job because I was acting like a psycho around the office) -pot makes me want to organize and clean s!ht Basically, I use it to self-medicate, but in addition to all the benefits I am reaping, now I am always insecure and paranoid. =( Anyway, I don't want to turn this thread into a pot thread. I just want to know how to deal with feeling inferior to my boyfriend.
Author spookie Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 If he still respects you regardless of all that and doesn't feel like he's better than you, then your relationship is fine. Try to feel better about yourself and not treat the relationship like it's a score board that you have to score highly enough in. If it makes you feel any better, my Dad is a respected judge, very good in social situations, very intelligent, and very stable. My Mom on the other hand is very emotional, very embarrassing (she has humiliated me too many times to count in public), very socially awkward, and honestly not as good looking as my Dad. People have directly told my Mom, in front of me before that my Dad is "too good" for my Mom. She drinks and my Dad doesn't. He works, my Mom doesn't, etc., etc. My Dad, on the other hand, always says to my Mom that his life would be boring without her and I will say this, my Mom is a very different and exciting type of person while my Dad on the other hand is very boring. XD And that he couldn't imagine his life without her. They've been married 35 years. People don't always want someone who's just like them and it doesn't matter what other people think about who's in your league or who is not, as long as your partner doesn't feel that way. Thanks a lot for sharing that story. :love: I feel really loved in this relationship and it helps that I think I know why he likes me. He thinks I'm sexy, that I treat him well, that I'm fun to be around, and he's proud of my meager accomplishments. I just hope as his world gets bigger and he meets other people that's still enough.
desertmoon Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 It could very well be the pot. -pot helps me exercise (I had gained a bunch of weight) -pot helps me not fly off the handle at the drop of a hat (after I quit I teetered to the very edge of losing my job because I was acting like a psycho around the office) -pot makes me want to organize and clean s!ht Pot makes you do all that good stuff? But what about these: He is headed toward an exciting, lucrative career, while mine is nothing to write home about -He's tall, very muscular, with big blue eyes, while I am too much of a s!htshow to be able to wake up on time to do my hair, put on makeup, or iron my clothes in the morning -He is charismatic and hilarious, while I teeter between awkward and makes-people-uncomfortable -He is good with his finances, while I choose to ignore mine -He's neat an organized; I'm a slob You really need to lay off the pot and seek professional help, so you can better take care of yourself. Pot is just making you feel better about the things that you think is wrong with you.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Some men love to be viewed as the hero, so they prefer to have more to write home about than their woman. Weed is one of my favorite vices, too, but there is no doubt it can sap motivation and give you a who gives a crap attitude about things. Sure, it has its good points. For me, the more I'm distracting myself from my emotions and problems by smoking weed, the less I'm snacking and sabotaging my healthy eating. So, I am thinner but less motivated overall. I am trying to figure out how to have no or low vices, but this is a tough one.
Art_Critic Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Anyway, I don't want to turn this thread into a pot thread. I just want to know how to deal with feeling inferior to my boyfriend. Spooky.. I wasn't trying to turn this into a pot thread.. I was being real to what has maybe taken your self esteem out to lunch. Re-read what you wrote... I had actually stopped using it altogether December - May, and I was feeling great about myself, but I went back because: Self explanatory.. Until you raise your self esteem you will feel inferior to your BF.. once you start feeling better about yourself you will not feel the same way about your relationship with him...
shadowplay Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) Spookie, in all honesty, I think you have more to offer. What you have: -You're better looking. I've seen pictures of both you and your boyfriend. While he's not bad looking by any means, I wouldn't call him conventionally attractive. You've said the same. You weren't attracted to him when you first met. You're conventionally attractive. -You're at least as smart. You're one of the smartest people I know, and I know a lot of really smart people. Plus, as a girl, your mathematical intelligence is more rare, particularly coupled with good looks. There are tons of guys who are good at math, but not many women. You stand out as a girl. -You have more depth. Based on how you've described your interactions with him, he dwells more on the surface. I bet you have more interesting observations about the world. Maybe he's better at banter, making jokes or small talk, but that can wear thin if there isn't depth to back it up. Those are skills that you can also learn with practice, and I know you've improved a lot from where you were in that regard. -You don't have his commitment issues. I know you have some emotional hang ups, but at least you're able to commit to the right person. I don't get the sense he's there yet. What he has: -He's more organized and less self destructive than you are. So? Those are habits you can change if you're really determined. They're not intrinsic to who you are as a person. Stop acting as if they are, because it's just the lazy way out. -He's more confident. This is the reason you're overvaluing him in relation to yourself. His confidence makes him better care of himself and allows him to be less awkward around other people. They're all related. Start working on those habits and your confidence will improve which will improve your habits. Positive feedback loop. Consider that a lot of the smartest, most interesting and accomplished people are the least confident, and a lot of people who have little to offer are very confident. Confidence is a great trait to have that most people should cultivate and it's highly desirable in a mate, but it's not an accurate indication of how much somebody has to offer. The problem is that as long as he has a lot more confidence than you do, he will always have the upper hand in the relationship. You'll always feel that you need him more than he feels that he needs you. Edited July 12, 2010 by shadowplay
kdark Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Shadowplay is right spookie. Quit being so hard on yourself. You're a catch.
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