kickintheaz Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 hi all, new to this part of LS... (spent a LONG time on breakups and hope I'm not meant to be posting back there!!) anyhoo, met a girl, online dating about 2 weeks ago.. instant connection, even before I saw her pic... local enough to me, hitting early 30s same as I, had a great chat most of that first night, day 2 we arrange to meet, we meet: crash bang wallop, sparks!!! man, this was like an electricity generator going up in smoke, it was just INSTANT... I have not felt that initial spark since meeting ex for first time, near 5 years ago... so, over the course of 2 weeks we basically are in contact as much as our jobs and sleep patterns allow, txt, email, talk, first 3 dates in the first 9 days, a drink here, a walk there, a coffee there, all lasting 5+ hours.. so date 4, dvd and chinese in mine, and this was no biggy, we both felt zero nerves on any meeting, were very comfortable, had kissed at this stage, shared a lot, but not really about future plans as one shouldn't in the first fortnight.. date 4 friday, had a ball, 5 hours in my house, watched a movie, ate, laughed, joked, made out, no sex, but a bit of a kiss and cuddle.. at this stage I'm smitten, she's smitten, (this had all been exchanged during a late night txt conversation during the week whilst we were each out with our own friends).. no problemo.. she went home... texted a bit, then started saturday with a few txts and then, it stopped... dead... nada.... til today.. I get the 'this is moving very fast, intense, we want different things (we'd not discussed that particular thing ever!) I not sure this will go anywhere and don't wanna hurt you, lets be friends txt'.. now, ok, the girl has issues, there isn't anyone else, (friend informed me of this), her last Rel ended last october, wasn't dating anyone else from the site... so, a few things I'd like opinions on please (in no particular order!): 1. Is this type of 180 degree behaviour normal in the dating world? 2. any tips on how to limit that initial super-interest that I had, within oneself, as I nearly feel like this is some sort of break up and I certainly don't wanna do this again... 3. I'll throw it out there: knowing that this girl had similar feelings and enjoyed it all as much as I, but appears confused, should I even bother trying again in a few days/ a week to get her out again and try kickstart it? 4. Anyone been in or done something similar? 5. Why is she still texting me at this hour regarding how she not sure how to deal with her emotions?? (thats just ironic she txtd as I typed this!) thanks all.. kick
amymarieca Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Sorry to hear this happened to you! It is always disappointing when you really like someone and they don't reciprocate. Unfortunately, having had a lot of dating experience at the age of 29, I can say that this is quite common. Don't let it get you down though because it will happen a million times before you find the right one. There could be a number of reasons why this girl did a 180 and you will never really know why. Your best bet honestly is to just ignore the texts, move on, and find someone who really appreciates you.
Brady_to_Moss Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 This is just another example as to why i will never understand women...shes kissing and cuddling, then says its too fast..news flash there sunshine..you went along with it....women
Author kickintheaz Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 amymarieac: thanks... took me 18months to find THIS one and I had to date some doozys in that time... oh well, talk about confusion, I did ans the text and the next and the next, trying to see WHAT is the problem, anyway took 8 txts to say goodnight, hmmm, deja vu, (I've been confused like this before!).. and no, no clear answer! B_t_M, today I feel like I could handle theoretical nuclear phsyics easier than trying to understand her...
amymarieca Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 This is just another example as to why i will never understand women...shes kissing and cuddling, then says its too fast..news flash there sunshine..you went along with it....women Both men and women do the same thing! I went on a few dates with a guy. He said I was an amazing woman, and couldn't believe how lucky he is to be dating me. Then after the 4th date, he sends me a text saying we are two different people and that I will make someone else happy. It's people in general who are flakes, not just women
hopesndreams Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 hi all, new to this part of LS... (spent a LONG time on breakups and hope I'm not meant to be posting back there!!) anyhoo, met a girl, online dating about 2 weeks ago.. instant connection, even before I saw her pic... local enough to me, hitting early 30s same as I, had a great chat most of that first night, day 2 we arrange to meet, we meet: crash bang wallop, sparks!!! man, this was like an electricity generator going up in smoke, it was just INSTANT... I have not felt that initial spark since meeting ex for first time, near 5 years ago... so, over the course of 2 weeks we basically are in contact as much as our jobs and sleep patterns allow, txt, email, talk, first 3 dates in the first 9 days, a drink here, a walk there, a coffee there, all lasting 5+ hours.. so date 4, dvd and chinese in mine, and this was no biggy, we both felt zero nerves on any meeting, were very comfortable, had kissed at this stage, shared a lot, but not really about future plans as one shouldn't in the first fortnight.. date 4 friday, had a ball, 5 hours in my house, watched a movie, ate, laughed, joked, made out, no sex, but a bit of a kiss and cuddle.. at this stage I'm smitten, she's smitten, (this had all been exchanged during a late night txt conversation during the week whilst we were each out with our own friends).. no problemo.. she went home... texted a bit, then started saturday with a few txts and then, it stopped... dead... nada.... til today.. I get the 'this is moving very fast, intense, we want different things (we'd not discussed that particular thing ever!) I not sure this will go anywhere and don't wanna hurt you, lets be friends txt'.. now, ok, the girl has issues, there isn't anyone else, (friend informed me of this), her last Rel ended last october, wasn't dating anyone else from the site... so, a few things I'd like opinions on please (in no particular order!): 1. Is this type of 180 degree behaviour normal in the dating world? 2. any tips on how to limit that initial super-interest that I had, within oneself, as I nearly feel like this is some sort of break up and I certainly don't wanna do this again... 3. I'll throw it out there: knowing that this girl had similar feelings and enjoyed it all as much as I, but appears confused, should I even bother trying again in a few days/ a week to get her out again and try kickstart it? 4. Anyone been in or done something similar? 5. Why is she still texting me at this hour regarding how she not sure how to deal with her emotions?? (thats just ironic she txtd as I typed this!) thanks all.. kick You both spent too much time together in a short amount of time.
Serenitynow Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Do not try to figure it out You will never know the truth behind it all I had the same thing happen to me a few months back. Met a girl and we just clicked perfectly, no nervousness, no awkward pauses. Then she just disappeared.
that girl Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I don't think it is that you spent too much time together. I don't think anyone ever goes "Wow, we've had four awesome dates in two weeks, but despite having such a great time with him, I am totally over him." Things that I think are possible. 1) There is another guy and either your mutal friends don't know or they aren't telling you. 2) There is some major drama in her life right now that is making her withdraw. 3) She's a committment phobe and this is something she does often 4) She did not have as a great a time as you think. 5) You did something or she found something out that made her drop you. You might never know which one it is, but you could call her. Odds are the phone call will go horribly and she won't tell you why, but there is a small chance she might. And I think that makes more sense than waiting a few weeks and trying again- after all that build up in your head, you will just get hurt again.
gamma1 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 You both spent too much time together in a short amount of time. They both chose to spend the time together.
hopesndreams Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 They both chose to spend the time together. You don't think this is too much? so, over the course of 2 weeks we basically are in contact as much as our jobs and sleep patterns allow, txt, email, talk, first 3 dates in the first 9 days, a drink here, a walk there, a coffee there, all lasting 5+ hours.. so date 4, dvd and chinese in mine, and this was no biggy, we both felt zero nerves on any meeting, were very comfortable, had kissed at this stage, shared a lot, but not really about future plans as one shouldn't in the first fortnight.. date 4 friday, had a ball, 5 hours in my house, watched a movie, ate, laughed, joked, made out, no sex, but a bit of a kiss and cuddle.. at this stage I'm smitten, she's smitten, (this had all been exchanged during a late night txt conversation during the week whilst we were each out with our own friends).. no problemo.. she went home... texted a bit, then started saturday with a few txts and then, it stopped... This is considered normal in the early stages? There is only a time span of 2 weeks here. Am I missing something?
that girl Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 This is considered normal in the early stages? There is only a time span of 2 weeks here. Am I missing something? I don't think it is normal, but I know a few happily married couples who basically starting living together after the first date. Lots of time together isn't necessarily a problem. I think a lot of times the people who bail after two intense weeks would have bailed after two not so intense months.
Chocolat Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 This is considered normal in the early stages? There is only a time span of 2 weeks here. Am I missing something? Four dates in 2 weeks? Why not? That's 2 dates a week. Not so much really, especially when there is interest. Sounds like there is something going on with this girl that you don't know about (and maybe will never know about). I'm sorry this happened to you.
gamma1 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 You don't think this is too much? This is considered normal in the early stages? There is only a time span of 2 weeks here. Am I missing something? It is way too much for most people, but every couple is different. The point is, they both chose to spend the time together. Either one of them could have suggested waiting more time between meeting, but they both wanted to spend a lot of time together.
LondonS Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 welcome to the wonderful world of online dating... I have recently signed up to match and have a few guys talking about marriage in our first few chats... as if haha... I soooo see that as a red flag..and have decided to only meet people who are consistent in their contact for a while as I dont have time for dramatic online casanovas
jstalltxga Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 oh god this is all too familiar. dating is a scary thing. people can freak out on the flip of a coin. try not to take it too personally. I know it is hard not to. it is possible she just got scared. sorry to hear this happened.
phineas Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I cannot & will not go from making out to just friends with a woman ever again. did it a few times when i was in college & it leads to nothing but pure aggravation & attention whoring on her part. just tell her you wish her you are not interested in being just friends & wish her well.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 You moved WAY too fast. I have seen this time and time again: it's not natural to go from being single to BAM an insta-relationship where you are in contact 24/7. That would scare the crap out of me even if I really liked the guy. Sure the ultra-fast pace thing works for some, just like some people win the lottery or get the ex back for good after pining for years. The reality is, in most cases it DOESN'T work. You need to build the connection slowly, with some transitioning period between being single and in a R. It's too late for this one but just remember for the future: pace yourself.
Serenitynow Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 This is considered normal in the early stages? There is only a time span of 2 weeks here. Am I missing something? Thats because you are judging the situation from your point of view. Why would she make out with him the last time they were together, if she was thinking it was going too fast ? People are all different. I guess you wanna tell him he should have played games with her and pulled the "dont be so available" trick huh ? .
hopesndreams Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) Thats because you are judging the situation from your point of view. Why would she make out with him the last time they were together, if she was thinking it was going too fast ? People are all different. I guess you wanna tell him he should have played games with her and pulled the "dont be so available" trick huh ? . I'm not into game playing. I am into giving someone space and not smothering them though. Be nice for someone and for myself to reflect, wonder and not go full steam ahead. As for her making out with him? Big deal. Edited July 12, 2010 by hopesndreams
Cracker Jack Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Are you implying that OP was smothering her, though?
Serenitynow Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Some people actually get cold feet when things go TOO good.
hopesndreams Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Are you implying that OP was smothering her, though? Yes, I am. OP is asking what he could have done or can do in the future so this isn't a regular occurrence for him. He is not asking for what she could have done differently.
hopesndreams Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Some people actually get cold feet when things go TOO good. Yes, that too! That is more likely to happen when things move too fast.
Cracker Jack Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 They willingly participated in dates, seemed fine, then she had a change of heart suddenly. None of that implies smothering. There are many ways to look at this, but smothering seems unlikely here. Serenity, I agree with that.
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