Friend to date and back to friend

[confusedwoman2]

This may be the wrong forum but I need some advice. GOOD advice.

 

I became platonic friends with someone last year. He is separated and has not had sex with his wife for over 2 years. She is in a treatment program for Borderline Personality Disorder and they live in separate states. Several thousands of miles from each other, in fact. She attempted suicide last August and has been in treatment ever since. He has seen her twice since she has been in treatment. He and I live in different states but developed a close friendship. We ended up sleeping together on several occasions but agreed we should not date as he said he may go back to his wife and he would not want me to be hurt. He also said he loves me, I am his best friend and he never wants to lose me as a friend. He says he has feelings for me and does not date anyone. He said it will hurt his wife and if he has to sacrifice what he wants to keep her from being hurt, he will. He is afraid to divorce her because she may try to commit suicide again and he could not live with this guilt.

 

We agreed to stop sleeping together and just be friends. I go to his house in this other state about once a month and we hang out doing alot of fun things. No sex or any kind of physical contact anymore. He says he has a problem that when he cares about someone, he stops being able to have sex with them. He said a friendship is more important to him than risking losing his best friend. I have told him I want more but he says he will end up hurting me if we date since his current situation is so complicated. He says he loves both of us so he does not date me to keep from hurting her and he does not other women to keep from hurting me.

 

I am so confused as what to do, I can't think straight anymore. Does any of this make sense to you all reading it? Very sad. I have a great friend who I think loves me but says he is going to remain "static" for now. He says if he WERE to start dating again it would be me.

 

Help!!!!

[carhill]

My simple advice would be to accept what he's saying as *his* truth and date other men. He's unavailable for an intimate relationship. OK. Meet a single man who is available.

 

We ended up sleeping together on several occasions but agreed we should not date as he said he may go back to his wife and he would not want me to be hurt. He also said he loves me, I am his best friend and he never wants to lose me as a friend. He says he has feelings for me and does not date anyone. He said it will hurt his wife and if he has to sacrifice what he wants to keep her from being hurt, he will. He is afraid to divorce her because she may try to commit suicide again and he could not live with this guilt.

 

As a man, I find this to be bullshyte. I'll bet he wasn't saying this prior to 'sleeping together' (having sex). He was pouring on the romance. I've never known a woman personally who sympathy-f*cks, so I doubt you were. This is, IMO, having been a cheater, the tried and true methodology of such a person, whether situational or serial.

 

In my case, the OW has met stbx (I introduced them) and they know each other (had contact) independently of me, both before and after we 'separated'. How well do you know his wife? Ever met her? That's the only way to receive a balanced perspective on this.

 

Avoid drama and date single, available men. 'Separated man' can come visit you and hang out with you and your boyfriend, since you're friends and all. That's what friends do

[confusedwoman2]

Well, You are correct in that I did not sympathy f*ck him. LOL. I thought we were going to start a real relationship. However, I have never met his wife. I have never even seen a picture of her. He says he won't even show me a pic because those are lines he does not want to cross. Also, he says he understands if I date but it scares him because he believes our friendship will be over as another guy would never put up with me remaining friends with him.

 

Guys are confusing for sure and I will tell you now....I am so clueless about men's real motives. If he only wanted sex, he would not have stopped having sex with me. He would still be wanting the "friends with benefits" option but HE refuses to continue that aspect of your relationship. He says he cares too much about me.

 

Anyway, yeah, I should date others but I didn't know all this info about him until I was already emotionally attached and now I have to figure out how to detach myself. He says I am the only one who believes in him (he is not working and running out of money so I have purchased several thousands of dollars in camera equipment for him so he can start a new career) and that I have been the one who has helped him change his life. He calls me multiple times a day and talks about everything in his life and is very concerned about losing our friendship. He says he only cares about 3-4 people in his life and he can't imagine life without me.......as a friend.

 

So, the fact is, maybe this is the "truth" but I can't imagine not having him as a friend either. He says if I date men it will really hurt him but he understands if that is what I need to do. He became quite scared at the thought of me dating and was a bit angry about it.

 

I am an idiot. Simple as that. I hate being an emotional female sometimes. Really sucks.

 

Thanks for the advice. :-)

[confusedwoman2]

BTW what is "stbx" :-)

[carhill]

STBX = soon to be x (in my case, ex-wife)

 

 

If he only wanted sex, he would not have stopped having sex with me. He would still be wanting the "friends with benefits" option but HE refuses to continue that aspect of your relationship. He says he cares too much about me.

 

From a male perspective, it's pretty basic stuff, and likely the reason why, even after decades of contact and 'feelings', OW and I didn't work out. This man, however, has a tool which I don't possess, the ability and desire to have sex with women he's not in a committed intimate relationship with. I call this the "Cheer's effect', after the TV show. Romancing and bedding you creates *feelings* in you about the dynamic. It creates attachment. His voice, his eyes, his touch, even if not sexual, brings your brain back to those feelings. His words (wonderful work BTW) augment those feelings. Don't be surprised, in the near future, if he 'gives in' to his 'desire' and 'can't control himself'. This is the Cheer's tune up.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he'd take the legal steps to ensure his estranged wife is safe and cared for and he'd be with you. It's really not that hard. I've done it. One step at a time, one day at a time. STBX and I are into it about a year now. If I had paid my lawyer instead of us going pro-per, we'd be done already. He can do the same thing. Nothing, *nothing* is stopping him. He's making a choice and using a social mind-f*ck to keep you around emotionally. Others opinions of this will vary but, as someone who's walked in his shoes, even if I accepted my responsibilities, I see the methodology clearly.

 

Test it and invite him out for a visit. Let us know how it goes. I'll wager dollars to donuts if he visits he'll want to f*ck. They all do. Good luck

Edited July 11, 2010 by carhill

[confusedwoman2]

Ah! Thanks for the terminology lesson. :-) LOL. Actually, I have stayed at his house 4 times the last several months for 5 days at a time and we sleep in the same bed. He never attempts to touch me OR kiss me. EVER! I sleep in my thong and a tank top..... NOTHING. He says he is tempted but he never once tries. BTW--- I am in awesome shape and not drop dead gorgeous but certainly not ugly. I even sent signals I wanted to have sex.....NOTHING. NOT one bite of the bait. I must really suck at sex if he has this kind of stamina to abstain. :

 

Thanks for the advice though. I think what you have to say is important and good advice. :-)

[yushu]

I have a circumstance like you. friends and dating, and friends.It's totally ok. He is a good friend who really understands me and is always willing to help me.