Maverick1983 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Hi everone, Alright so this is my story.I met the girl of my dreams when I was 19 years old.im 27 now and after 8 years we finished 3 months ago.During these 8 years which I still maintain were the best of my life we were unseperable and loved doing everything together and we worked so well. She was always my best friend,the love of my life and the only girl I had eyes for.Obviously being with one person for 8 years was at times tough but we always got through it.We broke up a few times over silly stuff especially due to both her parents and mine splitting up and the added trauma that comes from that.She dumped me and I dumped her but it was never over anything serious.We broke up for 6 months a year and a half ago and got back together and everything was great until 3 months ago when we moved out of our apartment to live with her mother to save for a mortgage.I being the fool I can be panicked and ended the relationship and now I am really regretting it.I still don't know why I did it but I felt as though I was not ready for it and took the cowardly way out with the only person I have ever loved. We spent the last 3 months apart with little or no contact until last week when I called to see how she was doing and we just clicked.We laughed at all our stupid jokes and we cried at how we ended up where we are now but it was great to see her and everything was just so natural between us again and it saddened me so much to think that we didn't just fight a little harder in the past.I really want her back and I swore to myself that I will give her everything she deserves if she gives us another chance because she really is a magnificent person who has made me who I am today and I know that she thinks the same about me. My problem is however that I met her yesterday at a music festival.I went with a buddy and she was with her friends and she rang me to see if I would watch a few bands with her as the girls didn't like the same bands.A few bands became the whole day we had so much fun and she was hugging me and saying she missed doing things like that with me.We were watching muse playing and a song that always reminded her of me came on and she leaned her head on my shoulder and put her arms around me.It felt so good and I didn't want to let go and she said that she always wants me as a friend and I said I want her back and she said that made her sad.My biggest problem is that she wants to teach English abroad next year and she seems like she doesn't want to get back with me.This obviously hurts alot.My friend said her body language around me last night suggested different but I'm so confused have I lost her for good now?I know this sounds cliche but I know that she is all I want but I'm worried that the last break up has done irrepairable damage to her.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Hi just an update on things.I was at a friends house last night and his gf is a friend of my exs.She is still at the festival with my friends gf but I went home yesterday.His gf rang him to say hello last night and a minute later my ex rang me.I know that she really wants to be friends but is it possible that she is considering getting back with me or is this just her way of reaching out as a friend? I feel so confused now that it's driving me insane and I really am trying not to get my hopes up as it will kill me if nothing materialises out of this.Could anyone give me any enlightenment on my 2 posts to what I should do or an opinion from someone elses perspective might also give me some clarity as to what is happening.Any input is welcome.
whatadeer26 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 It is possible she wants to get back with you. Has she said she doesn't want to get back with you? I don't get what she means by "That makes her sad" I would give her some time alone and then confront her about your relationship.
spyyder Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Perhaps you can hint that your willing to be in a long distance relationship while she teaches English overseas? I lived overseas for a few years when I was young in school, and in the 5th grade I had a teacher that said that this was her last year as she was going to move back to Canada to be with her long term boyfriend (she became bored of teaching overseas and missed her bf too much). Perhaps you could do the LTR thing for a while and hope that one day she'll decide that she's had enough of teaching english there and wants to be with you? She probably believes that teaching English overseas will be very exciting/satisfying, when in actual fact it isn't...Women always think like that. I know SO MANY women that get so excited over something and drop everything for it and then later on realize that it isn't as great as they think. My opinion is keep doing what your doing, try to go LTR with her and then one day you'll have the life you always wanted. LTR is a good idea for you as you'll either get closer and she'll come back, or you'll drift apart and YOU will start to moved on without noticing it.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 It is possible she wants to get back with you. Has she said she doesn't want to get back with you? I don't get what she means by "That makes her sad" I would give her some time alone and then confront her about your relationship. No I asked her but she didnt say yes or no but thats my problem.I did ask her directly if she loved me and she said yes but she also said that she would love to travel and work abroad because she is a teacher and can take a year out, so I see this as maybe a sign she doesnt want me back.I am so confused.I actually dont know what she meant by saying that, she was sad.I have told her that I think I made a mistake by ending it and I apologised for hurting her but I said I respect her too much to ask her to take me back.I just want her back but I dont want to blow it because his is my last chance at a last chance.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Perhaps you can hint that your willing to be in a long distance relationship while she teaches English overseas? I lived overseas for a few years when I was young in school, and in the 5th grade I had a teacher that said that this was her last year as she was going to move back to Canada to be with her long term boyfriend (she became bored of teaching overseas and missed her bf too much). Perhaps you could do the LTR thing for a while and hope that one day she'll decide that she's had enough of teaching english there and wants to be with you? She probably believes that teaching English overseas will be very exciting/satisfying, when in actual fact it isn't...Women always think like that. I know SO MANY women that get so excited over something and drop everything for it and then later on realize that it isn't as great as they think. My opinion is keep doing what your doing, try to go LTR with her and then one day you'll have the life you always wanted. LTR is a good idea for you as you'll either get closer and she'll come back, or you'll drift apart and YOU will start to moved on without noticing it. Thanks Spydder for the advice.As you can probably tell I am more than willing to do anything to make her realise that last time around I got scared and I had a moment of weakness but now Im willing to commit to her for good.I think Ltr is a good idea and it would work as I have no problem with her wanting to do this,she always wanted to do it and she sacrificed that for me.But when I broke up with her like a fool she once again started thinking about this.So it wont be hard for me as she would only take a year max as she is a special needs teacher and thats all the time she can take from her job.The only problem I face now is my attempt to convince her that I deserve another chance after last time.I never cheated on her,I never abused her but unfortunately I got a bit lazy at times when it came to working things out and I regret that now but perhaps I can use this year before she goes to ease her mind about whether or not Im worth the risk again.
GrayClouds Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) Thanks Spydder for the advice.As you can probably tell I am more than willing to do anything to make her realise that last time around I got scared and I had a moment of weakness but now Im willing to commit to her for good.I think Ltr is a good idea and it would work as I have no problem with her wanting to do this,she always wanted to do it and she sacrificed that for me.But when I broke up with her like a fool she once again started thinking about this.So it wont be hard for me as she would only take a year max as she is a special needs teacher and thats all the time she can take from her job.The only problem I face now is my attempt to convince her that I deserve another chance after last time.I never cheated on her,I never abused her but unfortunately I got a bit lazy at times when it came to working things out and I regret that now but perhaps I can use this year before she goes to ease her mind about whether or not Im worth the risk again. Sorry to say but I think Spydder advice is off. The girl is either feeding her ego or wanting to feel better about the break-up. If she wanted to get back together she would say so. If you was confident she did you would ask. But deep down inside you know that is not the case I suspect. Though I may be wrong, if so I would suggest once and for all just tell her you felt like you made a mistake with the break up, you want to get back together and make it work, and ask her to be in a relationship with you. Not in a letter, face to face like a mature grown up. Then you have your answer, though it may hurt quite a bit, but you can stop playing "would she, could she, does she, wov me" game. Though if you are lost without her, you should be working on creating a life for yourself that is not dependent on her or anyone else for you to be happy. Otherwise the person we say we love are simply distractions from us acknowledging we do not like the lives we are living. And most healthy people wants to be someone's love, not someone's distraction. . Edited July 12, 2010 by GrayClouds
vivrantflo Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Sorry man, but she is done with the relationship. PLease don't get your hopes up. It felt so good and I didn't want to let go and she said that she always wants me as a friend and I said I want her back and she said that made her sad. Any woman that says this to a man, has zero romantic interest in them. Especially when you told her that you wanted her back, and that made her "Sad" Why is she feeling sad? Because she doesn't have the same feelings for you, and feels sorry for the fact that you're hurting. My biggest problem is that she wants to teach English abroad next year and she seems like she doesn't want to get back with me. Go with your gut on this one. If she wanted you back, she's make it obvious. She is however, making it obvious that she doesn't want to get back with you. Her putting her arm around you, and resting her head on your shoulder means nothing. My baby sister does that to me. She has not mentioned once that she's in love with you, or that she misses the relationship and wants it back. You should go NC, and begin your healing. She already has her sights set on moving forward with her life without you in it, so you should do the same. Good luck
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Thanks grayclouds and vivrantflo for your advice on this.If only it was as black and white as ye describe it.You see my problem is that she has told me she loves me and this scenario was the same last time around.She said that she would love to be friends last time also but we got back together and we were better than ever until I messed it up.My friend said that she was talking to his gf and she said she is still is very attracted to me but afraid that if we got together again that it would end up the same and that was why she thought it was "sad" that we still loved eachother but didn't fight hard enough for it.Remember guys I hurt her and sometimes it's hard to let someone back in after that. I have decided to man up instead of being hurt by this,I'm 27 so it's time to grow up I suppose( the only problem she had with me by the way was my immaturity).I'm going to try and fight to save my girl.I think after avoiding contact for 3 months I'm just going to say my piece and well if it's not to her liking then at least I get to tell her how I feel and declare to her my honest feelings.If it doesn't work I will begin my road to recovery without her.I know I hurt her and she's scared that I might do it again but I know I won't if I get a chance to redeem myself.I'm going to be honest but not desperate.She is a great person and I want her back or failing that I want her to be happy.What do ye think?
GrayClouds Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Thanks grayclouds and vivrantflo for your advice on this.If only it was as black and white as ye describe it.You see my problem is that she has told me she loves me and this scenario was the same last time around.She said that she would love to be friends last time also but we got back together and we were better than ever until I messed it up.My friend said that she was talking to his gf and she said she is still is very attracted to me but afraid that if we got together again that it would end up the same and that was why she thought it was "sad" that we still loved eachother but didn't fight hard enough for it.Remember guys I hurt her and sometimes it's hard to let someone back in after that. I have decided to man up instead of being hurt by this,I'm 27 so it's time to grow up I suppose( the only problem she had with me by the way was my immaturity).I'm going to try and fight to save my girl.I think after avoiding contact for 3 months I'm just going to say my piece and well if it's not to her liking then at least I get to tell her how I feel and declare to her my honest feelings.If it doesn't work I will begin my road to recovery without her.I know I hurt her and she's scared that I might do it again but I know I won't if I get a chance to redeem myself.I'm going to be honest but not desperate.She is a great person and I want her back or failing that I want her to be happy.What do ye think? I think we will be here when you crash and burn. Here is secret... it is black and white your story is not different then the 99.9% of people who posted here. If you really want to prove your new found maturity you do it by saying "I have heard you choice, while I do not like it I will accept it" The best what to proceed by reading a doing what it says in this post link: So you want a second chance? It is completely counter-intuitive but it is what will work best for you.
spyyder Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) Well, if the reason (or 1 main reason) why she broke up with you is because your immature that you start to become more mature and grow up. Common bro your already 27. This is why women prefer older guys, because guys their age seem immature. Btw when you mean immature do you mean like 'hahaha she said cockpit', that you acted like a baby or you were never serious about anything? I know many people will say to give up but I'll still also agree with you, you should fight for what you think is right. However from my experience I know that chasing after a girl and telling how much you love her or how perfect you are together or how your soul-mates, etc doesn't work at all, it actually pushes her away (as bad as it sounds). I didn't believe it when I read it once, but as I've actually experienced it I know that its unfortunately true, just like if your a desperate pushy salesman - even if your being extremely logical, your desperation puts off the customer. At this point she just doesn't care. What you need to do is have good terms with her, and make her think that you've moved on - best way is to at least mostly move on. Then try to have a date with her as if your dating her for the first time. Have you tried taking her on an exciting trip? I read this from an e-book but I KNOW that its true as I've bonded with near-strangers through this. What you do is take her on a rollercoaster (the serious kind), while holding her hand. This should hake her start to feel the bond again with you. It is proven (again I myself have experienced it) that people bond when they share an exciting/thrilling experience together. Edited July 13, 2010 by spyyder
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 (edited) Ok so in the past two days there has been more developments.First of all she rang me asking me about a problem she had with her phone and we ended up talking for an hour.Then last night I called to see her and we talked about us and about the relationship.Basically she said she would love to try again but she was afraid to end up back where we were when we broke up last time and that she wasn't emotionally ready to go through all that again but she said she loves me and misses me.I was going home and she asked me if I wanted to stay so I did. We talked in bed for awhile and we hugged and just out of force of habit I put my arms around her and we fell asleep and woke up in the same embrace like we always used to.We decided to go and see a movie tonight but I'm still confused as to what I should do now.I obviously love her and we have a special bond but she also said that she needs my support now rather than the relationship to restart.Is it possible that if I show her that I'm ready to commit again through seeing her as a confidant that she might realise that things will work out. I don't get miserable when I don't see her, I go out and have fun with friends and I am confident, it's just that I want her back rather than need her back and I think that no contact would show lack of interest on my part.It is also important to remember that I'm the one who ended things so I have to regain her trust and how can I do that when I'm not there.Any suggestions? Edited July 14, 2010 by Maverick1983
PCuK1993 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 This is basically the same stuff which is going on right now, although your relationship is alot longer than mine. But im sure we both have the same feeling for our loved ones and want her back. I always thought if you moved on, you don't love her. But if you tried for a second chance, that shows already how much you want her back and of course if you tried again and again, that shows how much you need her. My advice: One thing you can do which is really and really hard is that, ignore her for a week, cut contact with her. She'll start to miss you and stuff about the past etc. And maybe she'll realise how much she needs you not as a friend but as a partner. HOWEVER, do not take my advice if your not prepared for the consequences since I am only 16 nearly 17, I still lack in experience, im just trying to help the same experience people right now.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 This is basically the same stuff which is going on right now, although your relationship is alot longer than mine. But im sure we both have the same feeling for our loved ones and want her back. I always thought if you moved on, you don't love her. But if you tried for a second chance, that shows already how much you want her back and of course if you tried again and again, that shows how much you need her. My advice: One thing you can do which is really and really hard is that, ignore her for a week, cut contact with her. She'll start to miss you and stuff about the past etc. And maybe she'll realise how much she needs you not as a friend but as a partner. HOWEVER, do not take my advice if your not prepared for the consequences since I am only 16 nearly 17, I still lack in experience, im just trying to help the same experience people right now. I appreciate your advice and I think you're right.We have only reconnected recently and I suppose enjoyed eachothers company and shared some familiar closeness.Eventhough I think it's a bit wrong to trick someone by depriving them of you maybe it's for the best if I don't make myself so available.It's a known fact that people want what they can't have so eventhough it's the opposite of caring for a loved one by turning your back on them it's probably the best way of getting a chance to be with that person again and getting the chance to make them happy again and indeed making myself happy again.
CLC2008 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I appreciate your advice and I think you're right.We have only reconnected recently and I suppose enjoyed eachothers company and shared some familiar closeness.Eventhough I think it's a bit wrong to trick someone by depriving them of you maybe it's for the best if I don't make myself so available.It's a known fact that people want what they can't have so eventhough it's the opposite of caring for a loved one by turning your back on them it's probably the best way of getting a chance to be with that person again and getting the chance to make them happy again and indeed making myself happy again. Neglecting someone on purpose, is not good, and I am not sure why you would want to do that to someone you cared about. It's one thing to protect yourself, but depriving/turning your back on someone on purpose, doesn't make for a good relationship. If anything, it will cause resent to build, and the both of you can kiss the 8 years you had together good bye.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Neglecting someone on purpose, is not good, and I am not sure why you would want to do that to someone you cared about. It's one thing to protect yourself, but depriving/turning your back on someone on purpose, doesn't make for a good relationship. If anything, it will cause resent to build, and the both of you can kiss the 8 years you had together good bye. I know what you're saying but when I say reconnect I meant as friends just in case you thought I meant as a couple : ) I figure that if you really care for someone and you hurt them badly by breaking up with them that the last thing you should be doing is going no contact until you at least show them that you care and that you're sorry for hurting them.People think no contact solves everything whereas I think it only works when you have been dumped or if you want to move on.After 3 months she is obviously still upset with me and probably scared.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) Ok so yesterday I was at home and the phone rang and it was her.She had news and the first person she rang was me to share it.Eventhough I felt like not answering I couldn't help it so I did.I find it odd that I'd be the first person she would call.I had to go to my friends house that evening who's gf is friends with mine and she was there.We exchanged the usual greetings and what not but I am still at a loss to what I should do.How do I deal with this now?I hurt her when I broke up with her so no contact would be selfish on my part when she clearly wants to talk to me.If I ignored her I think I would confirm her lack of faith that I am not committed enough as she knows I always fight for what I want. I want her and I suspect she is battling the idea in her head too but is still hurting from the break up.I'm not going to manipulate her into taking me back but I do want her to know that I care.This is now 7 days in a row we have talked after 3 months of no contact and 6 out of the 7 days she has contacted me first.Any suggestions? Edited July 16, 2010 by Maverick1983
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 (edited) Ok so last night I met my ex and basically told her that I want her back but I also told her that if she didnt want to try again, then I was going to move on with my life.I told her I loved her and I made a mistake but I said being friends with her just won't work and it was too hard for me.To my surprise she broke down and said she loved me too but has serious personal issues that she needs to resolve.I won't go into detail but it's family stuff.She is really ****ed up over it.I couldn't bring myself to hurt her again so I said fair enough and I told her to contact me if it ever got too rough for her to deal with on her own.I once had similar problems and she really was my rock through it all.I'm not depressed about the situation and I am still living my life and having fun but she is a part of my life I don't want to give up on.She has planned counselling so hopefully she can heal herself but I'm not going to put my life on hold but I do want her back.i'm thinking now that I should avoid contact with her until she contacts me and if or when the time comes that she wants to try again then I'll see where I am and judge then.Has anyone any suggestions as to what I am doing? Edited July 21, 2010 by Maverick1983
GrayClouds Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Ok so last night I met my ex and basically told her that I want her back but I also told her that if she didnt want to try again, then I was going to move on with my life.I told her I loved her and I made a mistake but I said being friends with her just won't work and it was too hard for me.To my surprise she broke down and said she loved me too but has serious personal issues that she needs to resolve.I won't go into detail but it's family stuff.She is really ****ed up over it.I couldn't bring myself to hurt her again so I said fair enough and I told her to contact me if it ever got too rough for her to deal with on her own.I once had similar problems and she really was my rock through it all.I'm not depressed about the situation and I am still living my life and having fun but she is a part of my life I don't want to give up on.She has planned counselling so hopefully she can heal herself but I'm not going to put my life on hold but I do want her back.i'm thinking now that I should avoid contact with her until she contacts me and if or when the time comes that she wants to try again then I'll see where I am and judge then.Has anyone any suggestions as to what I am doing? What you are doing? Your trying hard to be good person, the challenge for you is not to sacrifice your well being for hers. At this point it is going to to actions and not words that will show her intent. The most important is her actually following up on her planned counseling. Understand that if her situation is a pretty big thing she will need a good deal of time to get it work through. If there is not that follow through then it communicate a great deal to you. Without action her words are meaningless, even the ones you want to here. I think you are right let her come to you, but do not wait. Best of luck.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 What you are doing? Your trying hard to be good person, the challenge for you is not to sacrifice your well being for hers. At this point it is going to to actions and not words that will show her intent. The most important is her actually following up on her planned counseling. Understand that if her situation is a pretty big thing she will need a good deal of time to get it work through. If there is not that follow through then it communicate a great deal to you. Without action her words are meaningless, even the ones you want to here. I think you are right let her come to you, but do not wait. Best of luck. Thanks gray clouds, for all the advice.And you are right.If she goes to counselling it shows intent but as you said I just have to go on living my life and focus on myself and deal with the future when it happens.I have to give her her space.If the time comes then I really need to be strong and I need to know 100% that I'm doing the right thing or a reunion would be pointless.
GrayClouds Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Thanks gray clouds, for all the advice.And you are right.If she goes to counselling it shows intent but as you said I just have to go on living my life and focus on myself and deal with the future when it happens.I have to give her her space.If the time comes then I really need to be strong and I need to know 100% that I'm doing the right thing or a reunion would be pointless. That is very good thinking. The best thing you can do for her is to give her an example of how to live a productive, healthy life. Lead by example, start making your life into what you want it to be, figuring what you want, make some goals for yourself, and achieve them. Big things and small things, everything form a new hobby, to working out, to what career you are going to go for, do it all for yourself. And as you say then the future will take care of itself, and if her or some other girl comes into your life they will compliment a great life, not make it. You should be proud of yourself, by this shift in thinking you have made the first step towards the great new life. Keep up the good work.
Author Maverick1983 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Well it's official I am done with all of this.Upon deep reflection and constant thought I have just decided to move on out of respect for her and most importantly myself.I have come to the realisation that you can't make someone love you and when something is broken sometimes it can't be fixed.I have had a really tough couple of weeks but I am finally beginning to see the light.I love her and I care for her but if doesn't feel that way after 8 years then I must let her go and I am slightly nervous but somewhat invigourated by what lies ahead but I know eventually everything will get better in time and my life will make sense again. For anyone here on loveshack who is in heavy despair I wish ye all the best but it does get easier.Make plans,meet friends,make new friends and take care of the most important person when all is said and done...yourself!! Life is too short for regrets so make your past loves memories and leave them in the past.We all deserve to be with someone who loves us and respects us regardless of our faults or failures.If they can't see how special we are someone else will.
spyyder Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 For anyone here on loveshack who is in heavy despair I wish ye all the best but it does get easier.Make plans,meet friends,make new friends and take care of the most important person when all is said and done...yourself!! Life is too short for regrets so make your past loves memories and leave them in the past.We all deserve to be with someone who loves us and respects us regardless of our faults or failures.If they can't see how special we are someone else will. VERY well said bro. I'm glad that your at this stage (hopefully I soon will be too). After reading your story it seems that you really did put up a fight and made a great deal of effort to get her back, but after she said that she has issues she needs to resolve you actually got a bit of closure - if she really did want you then she should have got comfort from you. Seriously bro, from your posts it seems you did EVERYTHING you could and now you can accept that its over and can to move on. You seem like a good guy. I'm sure lots of girls would want you as a bf and your right, life is way too short to string along regrets. For myself, I'm going to go on a few dates with my ex and then pop the question...if she says no then I'll take your route - I should be with someone that loves & respects me, just like everyone should. I agree with you that it does get MUCH better. A month ago I cried every few hours over my ex. Now, I'm more concerned about the strange noise thats coming out of my cars engine. I'm actually quite happy now. Going to the gym, meeting new people, going on casual dates, doing great with work, dramatically progressing with my lifestyle and taking up a dancing class has completely got me out of depression and into happiness. Maverick once again, I'm very glad that your at this stage! Well done.
GrayClouds Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 And it can be a lesson for some of the new ones here (and some of the ones still holding on) That if your doing EVERYTHING and they are not doing the same, it already over and save yourself the pain and push yourself to accept it. Closure does not come from trying to one last thing (there always one more thing to try) it comes from inside you and making the decision to move on. It not in a e-book, it is not like a movie, it is not what everything inside you is telling you to do but it is simple, not easy; having the courage to hearing what they say and then focusing on yourself. .
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