everlastingsweets Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 hi all, I had an interesting weekend. A close friend of the BS wanted to talk to me, hear my side of the story. She knows that BS is thinking about taking him back and is very concerned. She had heard rumors about things he'd done before me and that I didn't pursue him, it had been vice-versa and wanted confirmation. I did confirm them all. She decided not to tell the BS what she'd learned, which I thought was sad, but understandable. She doesn't have the heart to tell her, but feels that she needs to know. I've had several people tell me I need to contact BS, since we knew each other, and let her know what really happened. That's weighed heavily on me since I don't want anyone else to get hurt. Lately, I've had this pressing on me to do so, I wrote a very short letter, mainly apologizing for what had been done. I told her I never meant to hurt her, I was just going off of what he had told me. I know she may not believe me, and that's understandable. I ended it with more apologies and told her if she wanted to talk, I was open to it. If you read my post before, you can see the whole story. I have his wedding ring here, I don't know where he is, she needs to have it back. She doesn't know I have it, he told her he lost it. Should I send this letter to her?
lolapalooza Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Send her the letter and the ring back registered mail returned receipt. Or some other way where she will have to sign for it. That way, you will know for sure that she received the ring.
jj33 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Oh my. Her friend asked you and then DIDNT tell the BS? Some friend. So she knows and can shake her head and say oh my BS is so foolish to take him back, I have informatoin that may deeply influence her decision, but I am too much of a coward to give her that informatoin. You dont know whether it will influence the decisoin but it may. If I were you I would call her if you knew her. Dont just dump the information on her (and dont put it in writing either if it could rebound back on you). If you call, she has a chance to respond if she wishes to do so. She has a chance to yell at you and get her feelings off her chest. If she doesnt believe you (and she may not) there is nothing you can do about it. It will be like a blow to the stomach to her I am sure. But somehow getting a letter seems I dont know. Other people may disagree. I dont know what to say I dont know if I am correct. She may not want to hear from you. She may have her own reasons for taking him back (financial children etc) She may have decided to forgive him or decided that on balance together is better than divorced. That is her decision and only hers regardless of what her friend (some friend) thinks and what he has done to you. I admire you for taking this step. Id like to think I would have done the same in your position.
sadintexas Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 She may have her own reasons for taking him back (financial children etc) She may have decided to forgive him or decided that on balance together is better than divorced. That is her decision and only hers regardless of what her friend (some friend) thinks and what he has done to you. As there appears to be confirmation that the W is still being lied to, do you think that the W should be able to make an informed decision? The pain from an A is enough. If I'd gotten past that point and decided to reconcile with my H, I don't know if I'd want another blow. I think leaving the choice to the W as far as how much info she wants is the right thing to do. Open the door with her but do not reveal details in your letter. In that light, I think a letter as described (not going into detail but alluding to going off what he told you) would be enough to allow her the chance to talk to you if she so chooses. If not, you've been able to apologize and return the ring (I think it's important to return it).
jj33 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Great advice Sad. Great advice. It does give her an opportunity and the ring. That is just heartbreaking Ever that you have the ring.
scatterd Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 As a wife I would want to know so I could make my decision on weather I want to stay or go.I don't understand how people think their protecting the wife by not telling.In my eyes that is a form of betrayal.I would be hurt if I found out someone Knew and never told me when it was needed most it would disappoint me.not every woman is the same but most I talk to feels the same way.Every body has their own opinion and this one is mine.I hope you do whats right good luck.
fooled once Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Hmm... I read your back story Please, I just need to talk to someone. I've been crying nonstop for 3 days straight. I need to pick myself up and I cant. I need help. I am the other woman. I had an affair with my boss. He is in a very public position. When he approached me about an affair, I was scared to say no because I thought I would lose my job. In the end, we had both fallen in love and had made plans to be together. We were together 7 mths. I kept trying to leave him but everytime he would convince me that "yes, when this all comes out, I will be there for you" "I promise I will never leave you," etc. Well, we got found out. His wife left him, they had been married 25 years. She filed for divorce the next day. It's been 3.5 weeks since then, and she is actually happy, they'd both wanted out for over a decade, but neither had made the move. I've had to deal with community scorn. I couldn't go outside for days. I've had people call my friends and bash me. I've had friends leave me. He has 2 kids, one is 19 and one is 21. They are mad and I told him they just need time. He left me on Friday because he said they said they will not talk to him if I'm still in the picture. ... I begged him not to do this, when all this blew up, I was the only one who was there for him. He told me he'd be there for me, and he's left now that I have nothing. Yes, this was a lesson learned. He called me that night and told me how messed up he was, that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone, and it hurts him to hurt the one person who has been nothing but good to him. I need to pick myself up. I'm usually a very strong person, why can't I do this? My heart is breaking. I'm sorry for what I've done. I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed someone, anyone to listen. Thank you Yet when you posted today, you said Lately, I've had this pressing on me to do so, I wrote a very short letter, mainly apologizing for what had been done. I told her I never meant to hurt her, I was just going off of what he had told me. I know she may not believe me, and that's understandable. I ended it with more apologies and told her if she wanted to talk, I was open to it. If you read my post before, you can see the whole story. I have his wedding ring here, I don't know where he is, she needs to have it back. She doesn't know I have it, he told her he lost it. So you have an affair with your boss, a VERY public person, yet you didn't mean to hurt her? That confuses me. You knew he was married. You knew her. How exactly did you not mean to hurt her? Mail his ring back to her. It isn't yours to keep. Or mail it to him. So the 'friend' of hers supposedly isn't going to tell the wife what you told her? How do you know that? She told you? She could have just lied to you, the way you have lied and the way the MM lied. Heck, she may call a reporter and print what you said because as you posted, he is a very public figure. Send a letter or don't. But you really have no idea what is going on in their marriage, what he is doing, what she is doing. The honorable thing would have been to not get involved with him in the first place but since you can't turn back the clock, tell her a very BRIEF version of what happened - no need to point out her H is a liar, she is well aware of that. Apologize for all the pain you caused, but please, do not tell her "it just happened". Affairs don't just happen - they are conscious choices each individual makes. OWN what you did. Don't blame him. He didn't MAKE you have sex with him and ' fall in love' with him. Those are your actions and decisions. But mail her back his ring or give it to him.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 It looks like i am the only one who disagrees here, but here goes... do not give her the ring back. i agree it needs to be returned, but give it to HIM. giving it two her would damage her for many reasons. for one, he lied and told her it was missing. this would hurt her. for two. i simply cannot imagine how painful it would be to get MY husbands wedding ring back from his OW. its just sick. and honestly she will probably view it as a jab from you. so while i do think it is very important that it is returned, send it to him. let him be the responsible person for the ring, not you, and dont involve her in more hurt.
jthorne Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 It looks like i am the only one who disagrees here, but here goes... do not give her the ring back. i agree it needs to be returned, but give it to HIM. giving it two her would damage her for many reasons. for one, he lied and told her it was missing. this would hurt her. for two. i simply cannot imagine how painful it would be to get MY husbands wedding ring back from his OW. its just sick. and honestly she will probably view it as a jab from you. so while i do think it is very important that it is returned, send it to him. let him be the responsible person for the ring, not you, and dont involve her in more hurt.So she should continue to help the MM perpetrate a lie? I don't think so. The reason to return the ring is to EXPOSE the lie. Why should she be willing to come clean about some things and not others?
2sunny Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 why wouldn't you have given the ring to his wife's friend - knowing that she'd be seeing her... she could have delivered it.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I think . . . I would write her a short note, apologizing profusely, and just tell her something to the effect that if she wants to talk to you about any of it, you are available. I would enclose the ring. I would send it all by certified mail, return receipt requested, so you will have proof that it was returned.
Author everlastingsweets Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 thank you all for your responses. Sunny, i did try to give the ring to the friend, she wouldn't take it. Fooled, I have always owned what I did, I've never lied when asked about what happened. I did write the letter and returned the ring. The letter was very brief, no details, just apologetic. There was no maliciousness or vindictiveness in it. I had 2 close friends read it and they said it was very well written.. I got a phone call from him a day later blaming me for the fact that the letter I wrote confirms that his children will never speak to him again. Then he hung up. I realized then that he will never own any part of what he did. He had still been lying to all of them telling them we weren't together when we were. I did not know that. He had told me that they were aware. SO, now BS is going around showing the letter and saying that I am trying to hurt her.Which was not my intention and I'm sorry it was taken as such. She also contacted me through a friend wanting copies of the letters he'd given me to help her in the divorce, I said "no, I'm done." I had told her she could see them, read them, etc. But I'm not giving them to her. I feel some sense of closure. It's just a day by day healing process. Thank you all for listening.
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