slownumbers81 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 When I first met my girlfriend I thought she was pretty. I've become emotionally attached to her but recently do not find her physically attractive a lot of the time. I've considered breaking up with her but when I think about doing this I get really sad and feel like I may regret it and wouldn't be happy to see her with someone else. So I decide to keep dating but notice myself not physically attracted a lot of the time and it upsets me. Sometimes I really don't look forward to kissing and things like that. I don't feel happy together sometimes but at the same time I feel very unhappy about the thought of breaking up and know I would miss her a lot. Whenever I've thought about breaking up I just can't bring myself to do it. What should I do?
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Have you ever been attracted to her or have you always felt this way? I'm a little confused by your post...you said in the beginning you thought she was pretty, but that doesn't necessarily mean you were attracted to her. And if so, what happened that caused you to stop being attracted to her? Did she put on weight? Stop taking care of herself? I was in a relationship like this, and felt the same way as you for the latter 6 months of said relationship. I feared breaking up, not only because it would hurt his feelings, but because the relationship was so comfortable. And you know what, after I did break up with him, I did miss him for a little while. But I knew it was the right thing to do. I will add that in my case I had grown both physically and emotionally unattracted to my boyfriend. I.E. the quirky personality traits I found charming when we started dating, I found annoying and immature at the end. Is there any element of this in your situation? Or is it all physical?
highlyevolved Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Break up! You're just sad cause you will miss her company. But you'll get over it.
You'reasian Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Break up! You're just sad cause you will miss her company. But you'll get over it. I agree with this. Don't forget to appreciate the great times you've had.
dy.lanea Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 (edited) Yepp she just aints got the looks anymore so gotta bail out and break her heart to pieces. Onto the next piece of ass. Don't you think that you may have the wrong idea? Anyways OP, ask your self why you don't feel attracted anymore to her, were you ever attracted to her? Maybe things are getting boring for you? If you can't seem to find her attractive though then please breakup with her. It will hurt the both of you but it won't end well if you stay with her feeling like this. Edited July 11, 2010 by dy.lanea
dy.lanea Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 No.... He'll go onto the next hotty and when he's bored of her, he'll come up with some other crap excuse like this one so he can bail.... onto the next. Strange that you assume the worst of him.
sally4sara Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Strange that you assume the worst of him. Ahh, I think its a case of having distaste for people who claim to value real qualities in a person, but that no matter how great that person might be - none of it matters if you don't want to bone them all the time. Anyone who has had that done to them and experienced the shallow nature of it will struggle to respect someone who seems similar. Because its like they are saying the only thing that matters is how a person looks.
newguyhere Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Hi, I know exactly how you feel 100%. Take it from me "DO NOT" break up with her because of how she looks. You are attached to her now and you will still be attached to her after the break up. Beauty is only needed to attract a mate, its the person or personality that keeps you together. I found this the hard way. I miss my ex girlfriend more than anything. Beauty will not last anyway. If you were blind and didnt know what she looked like, would you still want her? I bet you would. Its not too late for you to keep a great girl. Its too late for me and now I am suffering for it.
You'reasian Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 No.... He'll go onto the next hotty and when he's bored of her, he'll come up with some other crap excuse like this one so he can bail.... onto the next. What do you define as a crap excuse? Trust, communication, reciprocation. Some folks are good at finding out real quick if others have these great traits.
flying Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 When I first met my girlfriend I thought she was pretty. I've become emotionally attached to her but recently do not find her physically attractive a lot of the time. I've considered breaking up with her but when I think about doing this I get really sad and feel like I may regret it and wouldn't be happy to see her with someone else. So I decide to keep dating but notice myself not physically attracted a lot of the time and it upsets me. Sometimes I really don't look forward to kissing and things like that. I don't feel happy together sometimes but at the same time I feel very unhappy about the thought of breaking up and know I would miss her a lot. Whenever I've thought about breaking up I just can't bring myself to do it. What should I do? Hi slow, I read your other posts, and you said the same thing months ago - but I can't tell if they're all about the same girl or about different girls. If it's all the same girl that you posted about last October and last December, then clearly you were NEVER that attracted to her in the first place. If they're all three different girls, then this seems to be kind of a pattern with you. So, which is it??
sally4sara Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Hi slow, I read your other posts, and you said the same thing months ago - but I can't tell if they're all about the same girl or about different girls. If it's all the same girl that you posted about last October and last December, then clearly you were NEVER that attracted to her in the first place. If they're all three different girls, then this seems to be kind of a pattern with you. So, which is it?? Yeah, I agree. If this has been one girl and his struggle has been on his mind since last October - CLEARLY he is trying because he knows she has some great qualities that he should be all about. But what do you do if you've tried and tried to be happy with a person's great qualities, but cannot enjoy the wonderful aspect of being physically intimate with them? Can anyone here say they are willing to go without ever feeling passionate with their partner? It would be like your were dating/married to your sibling. Kinda comforting if you're 80, not so great if you're still a sexually active person.
Author slownumbers81 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Hi slow, I read your other posts, and you said the same thing months ago - but I can't tell if they're all about the same girl or about different girls. If it's all the same girl that you posted about last October and last December, then clearly you were NEVER that attracted to her in the first place. If they're all three different girls, then this seems to be kind of a pattern with you. So, which is it?? Hi flying - in answer to your question this is a Different girl and yes unfortunately a pattern with me. You picked up on it! I'm not really sure what to do, I just get to the point where I feel totally unattracted and almost repulsed. I know that sounds bad and hurting anyone is the last thing I want to do... I'm not sure if I should keep looking for a new girl or try to change something within myself. In this specific case, I know I was attracted to her in the beginning. I think I lost attraction because I saw her more often and her more natural element and she was/is very interested in me. It almost makes me want to stop dating all around because I don't want to hurt people... and it makes me feel like crap all the time.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 So, you were attracted to her in the beginning, and while nothing about her physical self change, you inexplicably became unattracted to her? That does seem really strange, especially if this is a recurring theme with you. Can you objectively say that she is conventionally unattractive or is it just a lack of physical chemistry?
sally4sara Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Hi flying - in answer to your question this is a Different girl and yes unfortunately a pattern with me. You picked up on it! I'm not really sure what to do, I just get to the point where I feel totally unattracted and almost repulsed. I know that sounds bad and hurting anyone is the last thing I want to do... I'm not sure if I should keep looking for a new girl or try to change something within myself. In this specific case, I know I was attracted to her in the beginning. I think I lost attraction because I saw her more often and her more natural element and she was/is very interested in me. It almost makes me want to stop dating all around because I don't want to hurt people... and it makes me feel like crap all the time. Its quite telling that you did not include in your OP that this keeps happening for you. You know what the problem is and you know its a character flaw, but you try to pretend its about their physical appearance. You know its not. Its about you and you know its a dickish way to be. Do you have abandonment issues? Was one of your parents unavailable to you or cut out on you?
Author slownumbers81 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 So, you were attracted to her in the beginning, and while nothing about her physical self change, you inexplicably became unattracted to her? That does seem really strange, especially if this is a recurring theme with you. Can you objectively say that she is conventionally unattractive or is it just a lack of physical chemistry? Thanks for your response! It's strange I can't put my finger on it. At first I was attracted and thought she was pretty. Then it wavered back and forth, I didn't think she was as attractive or as pretty, and then eventually that became more and more the case. It's almost like the person (in the patterns I've experienced) become unattractive looking to me - it's not a lack of chemistry. I've told her that I have these issues and we have talked about things. I said that I don't want to be unfair to her. Whenever we talk about the possibility of breaking up it makes us both really sad.
Author slownumbers81 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Its quite telling that you did not include in your OP that this keeps happening for you. You know what the problem is and you know its a character flaw, but you try to pretend its about their physical appearance. You know its not. Its about you and you know its a dickish way to be. Do you have abandonment issues? Was one of your parents unavailable to you or cut out on you? From what I have read of abandonment issues I do seem to have those from my family history. I have a history of falling in love with people that are unavailable and not being interested in people who are. It's a really hard habit to break and I thought I was doing better but then all of a sudden I start feeling unattracted to the girl I have been dating. I can never tell if it's that it is just not right with the person I am with, or if it's my issues again.
Yamaha Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Where does this women lie in relation to yourself? ( looks wise ) Do you feel you could do better?
Author slownumbers81 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Where does this women lie in relation to yourself? ( looks wise ) Do you feel you could do better? She is not my ideal type look wise. I wouldn't say that I could do "better" or "worse" - I don't really like thinking in those terms. I think it's just a matter of personal taste and everyone likes different things. I have a perfect ideal type in my head, but is that always realistic?
Yamaha Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 She is not my ideal type look wise. I wouldn't say that I could do "better" or "worse" - I don't really like thinking in those terms. I think it's just a matter of personal taste and everyone likes different things. I have a perfect ideal type in my head, but is that always realistic? Most people rate their attraction by how the person stacks up in relation to themselves. If the gal/guy is better looking then you are very flattered and very attracted to them and we tend to value them more. If they are about the same in looks or lesser then we tend to not value them as much as we feel we could do better. I DO NOT condone this bahavior but it is prevalent in out society.
sugarmomma Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 You are extremely shallow/hollow and what you have to learn is that looks should only be part of the reason why you choose to be with someone. I think you should stop dating and re examine your belief/value systems to find out what you should really be looking for in a partner. Just picture yourself as a blind man, what qualities/traits would you want in a mate if you couldn't see them?? Looks are only what attracts you, the connection is what will keep you interested. So if you are that into looks you will always be disappointed since no one is perfect. You could meet the most beautiful woman in the world and fall in love but if she loses a leg or eye by accident, you're gonna bail, because you have no substance in your own character.
Author slownumbers81 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 You are extremely shallow/hollow and what you have to learn is that looks should only be part of the reason why you choose to be with someone. I think you should stop dating and re examine your belief/value systems to find out what you should really be looking for in a partner. Just picture yourself as a blind man, what qualities/traits would you want in a mate if you couldn't see them?? Looks are only what attracts you, the connection is what will keep you interested. So if you are that into looks you will always be disappointed since no one is perfect. You could meet the most beautiful woman in the world and fall in love but if she loses a leg or eye by accident, you're gonna bail, because you have no substance in your own character. No need to be hateful. I'm just asking for help here... I don't think not having control over who you are attracted to or not doesn't mean you are shallow. I am not a shallow person - I am just like you and we all have our faults.
sugarmomma Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 No need to be hateful. I'm just asking for help here... I don't think not having control over who you are attracted to or not doesn't mean you are shallow. I am not a shallow person - I am just like you and we all have our faults. You are not just like me. I chose a man based on his character in addition to our physical attraction. I like to know if he is honest, respectful, trustworthy, kind, decisive and caring. You pick people based on how they look then get bored when they wake up one day looking a little different and that is what makes a shallow person. What about who the person is on the inside? Do you ever take any time to get to know who a person is beyond their looks? If you're asking for help I would suggest that you do some soulsearching and find out what you really want from a mate. Every time I say something people find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger, and never to their own fear. I don't have a bit of hatred in my body but I do have a lot of Truth and if you can't handle it, that's your issue.
Author slownumbers81 Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 You are not just like me. I chose a man based on his character in addition to our physical attraction. I like to know if he is honest, respectful, trustworthy, kind, decisive and caring. I never said I did not also look for these things. I can only imagine that you assumed this based on your own perspective and viewpoints whenever you read my post. When you say "in addition to our physical attraction" - you point out that you recognize physical attraction is important on some level, otherwise why not date any of your friends that you get along with and are all of those other traits. I'm only saying there is no reason to judge and call people "shallow" here if we're all just looking for help...
Nikki Sahagin Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 OP, i'm similar to you. I remember getting a stage with my ex, where I found myself at times 'repulsed' by him...and yes it is a horrible word, but its true! I think this can happen when we get used to a person - the routine as it were. Also if people are unhappy in their life's, they tend to re-evaluate their relationships or even blame relationships. I'm not saying thats what you're doing but maybe if you are unhappy in certain areas of your life, you are finding dissatisfaction with your relationship also. I also don't know that this is true of you, but i'm going to bring it up anyway. Could it be a bit of a madonna complex? You care for your girlfriend but sex is repulsive. Do you see her as too respectable to sleep with? Would she be more attractive if you weren't attached to her emotionally? You've identified that this is a pattern with you. Maybe you just aren't ready to settle down and so you are getting through the honeymoon period and realising there's nothing more to stick around for.
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