cartiliaginous Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) I'm a pretty irresponsible person. I'm late, forget things, and procrastinate in tandem with such persistent frequency that I realize that it is really hard to be around me. I'm now on meds for ADD and it's not a cure, obviously, in fact it just barely replaces the copious amounts of caffeine with which I was previously self-medicating. But I don’t really want to talk about ADD, I just want to describe the way that I am: Just about the worst stereotype of ADD that remains realistic. I’m working on treating that. I moved out of my parent's house a few years ago to live with an LTR, Alex, not only more generally competent but a little older. In Alex’s defense, neither of us knew I would turn out to have been as irresponsible as I am. Alex will admit that I've gotten better over time but also say that it's been an awful experience trying to deal with my issues. Alex feels a need to help me with my responsibility issues, for the sake of maintaining our home and improving me a person. I have caused a lot of anxiety about whether I will be able to complete a task or be on time for something important and I feel that anxiety weighing on me all the time. Our home feels very tense. I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells, but Alex will be amazed if I say something like that. I still come up short so often and so frequently that it is hard to imagine that I have ever been worried or tried to be cautious about anything. My regret is meaningless to Alex, because if I really had regrets I’d act to a greater extent to get things done and it just wouldn’t be such a problem anymore. I can’t ignore that I caused this problem yet I still feel very nagged or harassed. Now we’re having arguments where I’m asking not to be nagged so much and Alex counters that I never have a right to feel nagged because I've been a let down so many times. I've broken the trust and just need to deal with whatever irritation I feel until I can be an adult. I feel like I'm in the situation of a cheater-- I just have to shoulder a lot of tense behavior as a part of reaping what I sow. I can recognize that this problem has been created by me, but at the same time, I am having trouble coping with the stress. I feel like I already put a lot of pressure on myself. Having Alex doing the same just makes any experience where I must be accountable much more agonizing to complete, and/or makes the fallout of my failure much worse. I get into situations where I hate Alex for yelling at me and also hate myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m being emotionally blackmailed when we have these angry arguments where I am called names. Any emotional distress reaction from me as seen as a way to get out of being held accountable for the hurt I’ve caused. I don’t know if I’m imagining the intention of blackmail or not. I ask Alex why call me names if it’s not intended to hurt, and I am told that it’s a fact, the name is exactly appropriate to what I’ve done, and now I have to deal with the hurt feelings caused by what I’d done and this is how Alex deals with those feelings. If I ever say that I am feeling upset by the arguments, I am being unreasonably upset as a defense mechanism to get out of the situation, and my unwillingness to deal with the consequences of my actions is yet another way I’ve ****ed up that day. I usually leave the arguments apologizing for everything. I’m starting to think that I don’t have enough maturity for any of the dimensions of this conflict and perhaps the best option is to leave my relationship so that I only have myself to drag down. Edited July 10, 2010 by cartiliaginous editor ate my paragraphs somehow.
candymoon Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Either one or both of you in individual counciling? Couples therapy? You both could use this. You have an actual documented disorder called ADD. Sounds like he does not get that it is a physical disease as opposed to situational depression or behavioral issues. He is treating you like he is your father and you his child. This is not healthy and will, in the end, blow up in both your faces. Who can live under that kind of pressure? Name calling you? That's verbal abuse and should not be tolerated at anytme. Perhaps suggesting to him that when he is upset about your not doing something or procrasinating or whatver, he takes a time out, recoup and finds an intelligent and adult way to express his feelings. And you do the same too. And perhaps some of your issues are just your personality? You beat up on yourself contantly in your OP. Give yourself a break too. You mess up. I mess up. We ALL mess up. Forgive yourself. Doesn't sound like anything you do is a real dealbreaker. But what he is doing would be a dealbreaker for me in the long term... and perhaps for you too eventually.
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