Gattica Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I recently had an experience with a man that I don't quite get. We were dating for about 2.5 months. I let him know, from the get go, that I do not engage in oral sex or intercourse until my partner has been tested and I get tested as well. It is a standard practice with me. Well, time passed and we would fool around when we saw each other. It would get more intense every time we saw one another. I didn't want to have to keep asking about getting tested. I landed up getting my testing out of the way and was waiting for his results and nothing. The last time we saw one another he kept pushing for something to happen. He asked if he could at least go down on me. I declined at first, but he was persistent and I let him know that I could not return the favor and he said that was ok. Later, he tried to get me to perform oral sex on him, which I declined and he kept trying to sweet talk me in to it. I asked if he would be getting tested any time soon and he didn't answer. When we parted that evening, he was rude and noted that he would need to go home an take a cold shower again and brush his teeth! Suffice it to say, after that night he became distant and then he basically blew me off. I let him know that I knew he was trying to end things with me and that I would do him the favor and let him know that things were over. He emailed me that he didn't want it to be over, but then said nothing more and I just let it go. My question is this...why bother pursuing someone you know isn't going to have sex without testing first if you aren't willing to get tested? I told him every time we would mess around that I wanted to have sex with him and that fooling around was getting really hard because I did want to move things forward physically, but couldn't until testing. Has anyone experienced this before? Any thoughts?
Gero Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I don't know but it seems like he only wanted you for sex and didn't want to bother with getting tested because in his mind he could just go have sex with someone else and not deal with the hassle of getting tested. If he wanted anything more from you then he would have no problem taking a little test. It's not you problem that you want to get tested before having sex. Guys these days just think that there is something wrong with you just like they think something is wrong with girls who wait until marriage because they expect and demand sex from the get go. I'm a guy myself and I don't understand it.
Serenitynow Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Because he figured you would give in at some point. You gave in to letting him perform oral didnt you ? You saw the red flags coming and still gave in. Him being persistent is not to blame. If someone is persistent about you jumping off a cliff, will you do it ? The funny thing though, you broke your own rule, but made you you were on the receiving end of it. .
Secure Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 You are smart and I commend you for demanding the test results. There are too many diseases. If a man sincerely cares about you, he would have no problem getting tested. A physician friend of mine said she has tons of patients with HIV. She recently got married to someone who was willing to be tested in the very beginning of their relationship because he too was being cautious.
alexlakeman Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I get tested on a very regular basis, I have all my past tests (well the last 3-4 yrs only) scanned in pdf... And I, a guy, am the one that brings it up each time.. I admit, not "every" time, but for the most part... what the heck, insurance covers it and it's easy.. BTW, normal std tests do NOT cover herpes 2 I think... so just a head's up.. fk 'em... or just use a rubber and no oral.. which is useless for me, b/c I live to receive and give, besides making out is bodily fluid and you can catch hp1 there.. so go figure
kdark Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Thats kinda selfish of you to receive and not give. I'd be mad too.
Green Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 It's his choice to make. Like Serenity said "You broke your own rules."
Diezel Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 You are smart and I commend you for demanding the test results. There are too many diseases. If a man sincerely cares about you, he would have no problem getting tested. A physician friend of mine said she has tons of patients with HIV. She recently got married to someone who was willing to be tested in the very beginning of their relationship because he too was being cautious. How is she smart? For all she knows, he probably have a cold sore on his mouth or maybe a cut and his denial of wanting to take a test means that he probably has something. So it was fine for her to receive oral sex... but as soon as he wanted it, she was adamant about saying no. My question is: Why bother saying no to him about oral but then apply a double standard only to break it in your favor???
kalikula Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I don't think it's selfish of you to receive and not give. Sounds like he was just trying to get you to break your own rules, when he knew full well that you were not intending to return the favor since he didn't get tested. Good for you for staying strong and not letting him pressure you into that! I'm not sure what his deal is, sounds like he just thought you'd cave. Maybe he is concerned that he actually does have an STD or something and doesn't want to face it... Who knows...
Green Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 How is she smart? For all she knows, he probably have a cold sore on his mouth or maybe a cut and his denial of wanting to take a test means that he probably has something. So it was fine for her to receive oral sex... but as soon as he wanted it, she was adamant about saying no. My question is: Why bother saying no to him about oral but then apply a double standard only to break it in your favor??? He could easily have oral herpes... so just kissing him would give her that. It is even posible to get oral herpes on your privates... though its suposedly harder to mix and match the locations of herpes. The only sure way to avoid oral herpes would be to get the test before kissing.
Diezel Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I don't think it's selfish of you to receive and not give. Sounds like he was just trying to get you to break your own rules, when he knew full well that you were not intending to return the favor since he didn't get tested. Good for you for staying strong and not letting him pressure you into that! I'm not sure what his deal is, sounds like he just thought you'd cave. Maybe he is concerned that he actually does have an STD or something and doesn't want to face it... Who knows... Did you NOT read what the OP said? Let me quote it again so you can stop the celebration. I let him know, from the get go, that I do not engage in oral sex or intercourse until my partner has been tested and I get tested as well. He asked if he could at least go down on me. I declined at first, but he was persistent and I let him know that I could not return the favor and he said that was ok Sorry, but the OP engaged in oral sex, it might not have been HER doing it to HIM, but she still engaged in oral sex when he went down on her. So why WOULDN'T the guy try to get HER to do it to HIM when she already broke down a barrier of her "No sex walls" by allowing him to give her oral sex? Why are you applauding her behavior when she VERY clearly allowed herself to get oral sex? She DID break her own rules. Sure, the severity was minimal, but she AGREED to letting him give her oral sex. And sure, it might not be SELFISH, but it sure as hell is hypocritical to say: We are NOT going to have sex of ANY kind. And then say: "Okay, if you really want to, you can give me ORAL, but that's it." But wait, they were supposed to NOT have sex of any kind and all of a sudden, he leaped over the first hurdle? Please, don't applaud her behavior. Had she sat here and said: He wanted to go down on me and I said ABSOLUTELY NOT... Then you could laud her and give her support for not giving in at ALL. And his deal was VERY clear, he thought that by giving her some pleasure, she'd get into it, get horny, and give in. Simple as that. The OP needs to learn to stick to her guns no matter what the bargaining chip is. THAT would have been admirable.
Secure Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 How is she smart? For all she knows, he probably have a cold sore on his mouth or maybe a cut and his denial of wanting to take a test means that he probably has something. So it was fine for her to receive oral sex... but as soon as he wanted it, she was adamant about saying no. My question is: Why bother saying no to him about oral but then apply a double standard only to break it in your favor??? No, no, no. Receiving the oral sex was not smart. No wonder he assumed she would go all the way. I missed that somehow.
Author Gattica Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 He talked about performing oral on me all the time, KNOWING that I would not return the favor if he did so unless he had test results. I told him no many times before, but on that particular night I caved in...I am only human. I did apologize that I couldn't return the favor at that time and why and he stated there was no need for me to apologize and that he enjoyed himself. We talked 3 more times, didn't see each other and then things ended. I am not going to feel crappy about the situation. I know others have received and not given. I resisted his oral advances on me for 2 months. I would have returned the favor with test results. Oh well... thought it was weird that someone would be so gung ho and persistent with someone that he KNEW wouldn't be performing oral on him or having intercourse w/o results. I was seeing if anyone had experienced anything similar.
Author Gattica Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 He could easily have oral herpes... so just kissing him would give her that. It is even posible to get oral herpes on your privates... though its suposedly harder to mix and match the locations of herpes. The only sure way to avoid oral herpes would be to get the test before kissing. If I don't see a cold sore, I don't worry about it. I am not going to drive myself crazy in that way. It has worked for me so far. I have never tested positive for any STD. BTW, thanks for all the responses/opinions.
Knittress Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 If I don't see a cold sore, I don't worry about it. I am not going to drive myself crazy in that way. Yeah, seriously... since I think about 80% of the population will test positive for HSV 1 antibodies by the time they're fifty. So in my mind testing for this is kinda worthless - a positive result doesn't mean you're contagious. Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, on the other hand...
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