gobbleguts Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 My wife and I have been separated for 9 weeks now. She says it's over and I believe she thinks or at least is trying to get herself or me to believe it. We talk every once in awhile about our baby. I asked her if when she and her mother get back to town with our daughter that maybe my wife and I could talk. She said "I guess, what about?" I said that we haven't talked really since we separated and we have a child together. Some things need to be discussed, like visitation. She then says "the way I feel hasn't changed." I said that I didn't expect that it would have. I also told her that I had no intentions of trying to talk her into anything. My question is, how the heck can women (my wife in particular) be sooo stubborn? Is it a defense mechanism? She says she doesn't like me, I guess iit takes awhile to repair damage. Read my thread called "this no contact thing". For details on the separation. Input please!!! Gunny???????
habs53 Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 My wife and I have been separated for 9 weeks now. She says it's over and I believe she thinks or at least is trying to get herself or me to believe it. We talk every once in awhile about our baby. I asked her if when she and her mother get back to town with our daughter that maybe my wife and I could talk. She said "I guess, what about?" I said that we haven't talked really since we separated and we have a child together. Some things need to be discussed, like visitation. She then says "the way I feel hasn't changed." I said that I didn't expect that it would have. I also told her that I had no intentions of trying to talk her into anything. My question is, how the heck can women (my wife in particular) be sooo stubborn? Is it a defense mechanism? She says she doesn't like me, I guess iit takes awhile to repair damage. Read my thread called "this no contact thing". For details on the separation. Input please!!! Gunny??????? It is a defense thing or possible a detatching thing. She may be ashamed of what she did and is ashamed to see you. Or, trying to phase you out. My wife is doing the same thing but i do see my son half the week.
What_Next Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Gobbleguts, I'm not sure but mine is doing the same thing. In my case I am sure it is because she wants to continue to string me along and have her cake and eat it too. Now that's not the case for you, but the detachment thing comes up here on LS many many times. It seems they begin to process the end of the marriage usually long before we are even aware what is going on. They build up to it, they drop the "I'm not in love with you" or some variation on it and then it's done. For us it often blindsides us and we are left feeling lost and confused. My STBX won't talk about anything and I am sick and bloody tired of trying to get her to. It sounds like you might have to force the situation. I would definitely suggest ironing out custody/visitation right away. I know on Monday I am going to seperate our finances and then draw up a seperation agreement. I know I've drifted off topic but as I had said this behavioral trait seems to be more common than I would have thought.
wrencn Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 My opinion is she has her mind made up, but her heart isn't there completely. She doesn't want to talk to you because she doesn't want to work it out but seeing you/talking to you could break her down. Its what my husband says, 'I love you but I don't want to.'
Author gobbleguts Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 What should I do then? NC would just make it easier for her. Right???
Electron Manipulator Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 What should I do then? NC would just make it easier for her. Right??? Yes, and probably for you also. NC except for matters regarding your child is probably the best. My STBX and I split about four months ago and for the most part it has been NC. I've seen her maybe three times since the split because her name is still on the lease (but not for long). I was starting to feel a little happiness and normalcy until she showed up last tuesday for a poor me session. The rest of the week I went to crap emotionally.
spriggig Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Yes, and probably for you also. NC except for matters regarding your child is probably the best. My STBX and I split about four months ago and for the most part it has been NC. I've seen her maybe three times since the split because her name is still on the lease (but not for long). I was starting to feel a little happiness and normalcy until she showed up last tuesday for a poor me session. The rest of the week I went to crap emotionally. See, I've been in LC for four months because of our son. When she first moved out and I would have to see her on the weekends, that entire weekend would be shot for me. Then, the work week would be OK and I would dread seeing her again on the weekend. Pretty normal stuff. But, now four months of this has desensitized me to seeing her, I've gotten used to it. Compared to EM above who has been in NC for four months and just got blindsided by his ex and has a whole week shot out of the blue. So, if there is a chance that you'll have to see her again for any reason-- kids, work, mutual friends, school, she hangs around the same bar as you, etc.--I think it's better to do LC on your terms because it seems like you get over it much more quickly.
habs53 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 My opinion is she has her mind made up, but her heart isn't there completely. She doesn't want to talk to you because she doesn't want to work it out but seeing you/talking to you could break her down. Its what my husband says, 'I love you but I don't want to.' Yep thats a good point, i dont believe anybody totally falls out of love with someone. Just makes it even more confusing. But still, take care of yourslelf first and see what happens.
Gunny376 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I writing this 1:03 CTA so you'll probally read sometime later in the day after you get up. So being get the coffee going, get comfortable and sit, grab a whole and shut up. (BTW I write these long replies to the specfic OP ~ so if others aren't interested ~ you might want to move on to other things. First off ~ you've seriously screwed up (i.e your other post about the 180's) You screwed up because you you were ignorant! Now a lot of people take serious offense to that word? But its mainly because they don't truly understand the meaning of the word? (Forget Mr. Webster ~ I'm giving you my definition of it learned through real world experience. Via twenty plus years in the United States Marine Corps ~ By God! ) Ignorance ~ is simply screwing up because you just didn't know any better and/or had a lack of experience. (Which is why most "twenty-somethings" get themselves in a mess with finances and relationships?) That is to say no one ever told you about this, that and the other, and that you should be doing this, that and the other.) In the Marines most other Marines don't screw around with Gunny's? Because by the time you become one you've overcome ignorance and have a lot of experience under your belt. You also know the regulations, the MCO (Marine Corps Orders) and can quote them word and verse like the Pope can the Bible. A lot of people equate ignorance with the word stupidity. They're not the same thing. Ignorance is when you do or don't something because you just don't know any better ~ be it because you were never taught or trained in such? Stupidity is when you do or don't something that you have knowledge and/or experience in ~ but go ahead and do or don't do what you should have done or not done. (I realize that all sounds complicated ~ you may have to go back and read it a couple of times to get it all wrapped around your head) What you did to cause the estrangement between you and DW was done out of ignorance. Having done what you've done, and are now going through ~ that is to say suffering the consequences? Your paying a high price for having been ignorant. Now don't go beating yourself up over it? You were simply not 'schooled" in two of the most crucial subjects in people's lives? Inter-personal relationship and personal finance. Its not your fault ~ its not taught at any level of the formal education system (some make an attempt ~ but I would say that its less than 1%) nor in church. Nor really anywhere. I'm a college finance major ~ and never took one single class in personal finance. I also sold cars for about six months ~ most people are clueless about what goes on when buying a car and get their heads chopped off. I once made $3000 in one month off of selling a car. (Well I didn't the used car manager stepped in and closed the deal) I quit because the car selling business is so unethical, and wrong. The 180's do work. And I know this because my last LTR GF was all over herself because I went absolute NC (due to depression, stress, PTSD, anxiety from my years in the Corps, having been institutionalized, attending college, carrying a full load ~yada=yada) Per the book "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" I went "caving" (Withdrew into my cave to think and work things out ~ per the book!) It drove her absolutely 'nuts' But they work only if the other person still has a vested (invested) interest in you ~ which from the sounds of things she does, because of he child you have together if for any other reason. The first thing you should do is go and see you PCP (Primary Care Provider ~ aka MD) and tell him what your going through. He may refer you to a psychologist and/or outright prescribe you some anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. I'm here to tell you they absolutely work. You may have to go back and change the type of drug, and the dosage over the course of a couple of weeks or months. They will help you regain your "center" and "core-being" The next thing you should do is write her a letter (hand written) apologizing, owning up to your own ignorance/stupidity (Only you and you alone can measure that one up to which part was ignorance and which part was stupidity) and include a certified check for the amount of money you "stole" from her (That's probally how she see's it) In the letter? Tell her come Hell or High Water, ~ no matter what? Its about your child ~ and that he or she comes first and foremost forever and a day. You've got to work two jobs back-to-back, sleep in a hollow log, eat road kill, and drink muddy water? By God that's the way its got to and going to be ~ to support that child! Whether she comes back or not ~ regardless ~ you put your own personal wants, needs, and desires on the back burner ~ your child comes first. She/he and relationship with them is first and foremost. Spending time and being in and a part of their life is your No# 1 priority now. In short? You've got to "man-up" and step up the plate and put the Big Boy britches on! Be you man or woman? At some point in our lives we have to achieve self-actualization ~ that is to accept ourselves for who and what we are ~ as we are. That we're the best we're ever going to be. Sure daily identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement. But at some point in time we simply need to accept that we are who and what we are? Then comes ~ self validation in that we don't need external validation from someone else, let alone the other sex ~ to appreciate and love ourselves? That is to say, "Parts of me are pretty awesome ~ and the rest? I'm working on!" That leads you to confidence in yourself and your life. AKA ~ regardless who comes and goes in your life? You'll be alright. What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! People come? And people go? But there ain't no one monkey that makes a show? Finally I would highly recommend that you read Mary Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" You need to get a minimum of three months net income / living expenses saved up ~ that is to say that you can go three months without have a single dime coming in and still cover your living expenses. You need to eventually build that up to six months to at least at year? During the current "Great Recession" there are people that have been out of work for over two years. Then you need to save for another separate account ~ an OMG fund! As in Life happens. (Car repairs, appliance repairs, etc) As for the X? Do the 180's, work on becoming the best "You" that you can be, improving yourself daily (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially etc) Meanwhile give her the gift of missing you ~ leave her alone! Quit texting, phoning her, etc. (Let her get to thinking ~ "What is he doing with his time? OMG who is he spending his time with? ) Hell even let her date! Let her know what's out there in the "Meet Market" (A lot of serious users, losers, and abusers ~ and 'Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am! @zzhats that can't find nor hold down a job, just got out of prison, on drugs, alcholics, ADHD, ) Meanwhile you getting stronger, better, getting your head out of @zz, getting your head and @zz wired back together. What you want to do? Is make you the attractive alternative. That means working on self improvement, working on you, yourself and Life. Moving on and forward with your Life. Self sufficient, self confident, self validating Me? Myself? And I? I've got much more to offer your a typical woman than you a typical woman has to offer me? LOL! I screwed and did somthing right in my life? Twenty years + in the Marine Corps! Glad I did it ~ PROUD I DID IT! Just as glad I did it, done and over with! It was twenty years of Hell! Because of the @zzholes and @zzhats I had to deal with.
tank Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Hey GG, I will say that people really dont know what they want when something like this happens. Take my w for example, she was a stay at home mom, loved her kids, they were her life. She has walked away from them, her mom and her brother. The only reason she can give me for this is she wasnt happy. She cant explain it, she doesnt know why she wasnt happy she just wasnt. I am working on me. I am being the best man, father and provider that i can. Focus on yourself. I know its hard, but stop worrying about what she is doing and what she wants. She probably doesnt know. my w left everything behind and i see now it is starting to bother her. Stay strong in your convictions, either she will come around or she wont. Listen to Gunny's advice, and Gunny please read my thread and i would gladly listen to anything you would say. Stay strong GG, and i hope you get what you want most out of this experience,
Author gobbleguts Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Wow Gunny!! Thank you and I agree with everything you said. I also suscribe and have for probably two years to Mary Hunts daily email advice. (Just don't read it much). I also did see my Doc and a lCsW for therapy before my wife said "get out of my house". I also have started to rrepay what I owe her and have repainted the family home as it needed it badly. My child needs a nice clean home. ( I did it while my wife and daughter were on vacation with grandma). My brother was in the Marine Corp during the first Gulf war. So, I immediately have respect for you. I am also 40 years old and this would be the end of my second marriage. I will do what I need to to preserve it. I sometime wonder about the 180. How long does a woman concentrate on the bad stuff? Meaning that if the don't have any positive interactions with you now to replace some of the bad ones, will they be left with only bad memories? By choice I mean. We had a lot of good times and what if purposely try not to remeber them.
Author gobbleguts Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 I also start a class on 7/21 on personal finance. It's a 6 week course at the local college.
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