Accepted Break-Up, Moving on but can't completely look away. What if she contacts me?

[RBKPASS]

Note: I am in a happier place now that I have mostly accepted this break-up for what it is and understand that I do not deserve being played emotionally, but was happiest with the ex-girlfriend prior to the end of our relationship and still do hold out optimism for a storybook ending.

 

I have to admit, I am in a very calm and resolute state, but a certain hollowness is within me just like with many of you. I tried to do the right things once I was TEXTED about a 'break' my girlfriend of 18 months wanted.

 

At first, no contact served no purpose at all. She just texted me, of all things, that she wanted 'space' and about a week or so to get her head right. I tried doing no contact on my own, but with a twist.. I changed my phone number without telling her what it was (I didn't do it just for her but it was a good excuse to start fresh). After feeling a bit guilty in case she figured her business out, I caved and just texted her my number. Once she found out it was me, I played limited-contact with no emotion or extras involved. She was trying to contact me on day 1 or day 2 of this 'break' and couldn't find me...was very proactive in trying to talk to me when she knew how to reach me.

 

Eventually, her power play centered around getting me to talk to her because of a dream that came true that she was talking to me about a week or two before (verified) regarding her mom who has cancer. After realizing this is life-and-death we spoke on the phone about it.. and then she tried to get me to come over, with a seductive and 'like nothing ever changed' attitude. I told her I felt weird and she played it off like nothing. I figured, what's the harm, it's literally only been three days.

 

I caved, I came over and spent the night. Nothing really happened and in the morning I was left more confused than ever. She just told me that she still needs time but still wants to hang out with me, just doesn't need me down her back all the time. I protested that I was fine with the break -- and I thought it was a GOOD thing for both of us -- but that this situation was too weird for me. An hour after I left and she went to work, she texted me to hang out and do something later that day... We hung out, worked out together, grabbed a bite and slept in the same bed again.

 

After this, I just faded away temporarily. I brought up my concerns to her and she just changed the subject. Eventually, I got the message and left her alone for another three or so days, until I really HAD to return some items she'd need (and I did not want) back to her place. I didn't know she would be there and she was confused why I was returning things; not that they weren't hers, but that I was showing up randomly to do this and she was confused about what it meant. She wanted to talk, wanted to make me comfortable but I ended up doing most of the talking. And..at least at the time she told me twice that we should forget the past and move forward, together (as a couple).

 

I was very happy about this-- we went out that day and ate together and I left her alone--1 text over two days for another two days or so. It's just that in the following week, the joke was apparently on me. She, in many ways, treated me like we were together and nothing had changed, talked about the future and plans we had, etc. Allowed me to take her out on a date and gushed about it to everyone; I really pulled out all the stops. This was not long enough of a break to justify taking things too slow, but hindsight is 20/20.

 

A couple days later,with next-to-no contact from me and NO issues, she went wishy-washy and told me that we weren't together and it was in my head. I'm not a dummy and was quite offended by what I perceived as a major slap in the face, so while she apologized and all of that, it forced me to make my best attempt at a longer term separation. The girl doesn't know what she wants and that's dangerous to get further entangled with until there's more clarity..if ever.

 

I've been on strict no contact for three..going on four days now. This girl obviously cares about me in some fraction of a way (maybe overrated, but just saying), but we haven't gone probably more than three days without talking since I've known her (18-19 months) Me going NC is going to serve as relief at first but also may...serve as a shock to the system once the days start to rack up further. I'm not playing games with this as I am also using it to prepare myself for the fact that things may never repair themselves (our issues are not deep as I see them and our chemistry is largely almost like nothing happened when we do hang).

 

You may ask.. why post this at all? I've read 1,000 of the same types of posts on here... Well, my problem is not coping with the break-up, but what to do if contacted. Nothing was left on bad terms--not great terms, but not icy. If or when she contacts me with a simple text or voicemail, what would your threshold be to actually replying? Multiple tries on her end.. do you give it days or weeks? What has your experience been when faced with this situation? How can you figure out if the desire is there for reconciliation or just for ego? I am going to be very guarded, but this day is coming maybe very soon. She's already had trouble staying away and it's only been three weeks.

 

She will have to contact me for anything to happen and then in a perfect scenerio it will take a long time to see if this is worth fixing; I'm done with the pursuit or trying to be the good guy here anymore.

 

Thanks for any help.