Life with/after OM thoughts/experience!

[Bitlost2]

Hi

 

I've just spent ages typing a post for it only to be lost - gutted! And the mood I'm in I just want to cry!!

 

Let's see if I can summarise!!

 

The last two years of my have have seen the most amazing moments and the most devastating moments. I bumped into an old school friend and just clicked in every way. He was unhappy in his marriage, I thought I was very happy with mine and certainly wasn't looking for anything!

 

We had the most amazing and intense six months of trying to be friends but finally giving into what was obvious. We had the most magicial chemistry emotionally, on a friendship level and most definitely physically.

 

After six months I finished it. I had crossed the line. I wanted him properly. He wanted me too but we couldn't face the devastation to our families. He has three children and I have one. He didn't run away like my most blokes would infact he was desperate for any kind of friendship rather than nothing. However I knew I couldn't do it but tried. We ended up having a vile text relationship and taking our pain out on each other. Horrible. Then we ended up back together until the pain of having him/not having him got too much for me and I finished it again. He was devastated again. I tried to scare him away by saying that I wanted him to leave his wife but it didn't work! After three weeks of no contact he was back missing me, happy with any bit of me!

 

This pattern continued for another six months. Sometimes we'd be in touch for a day, sometimes a couple of weeks. Always ending with me saying I want more, it's too hard etc. Often ending in some horrible words being said, pain, hurt etc He's made his decision to 'stay with his lot' as he puts it so that is what he should do. In January he got back in touch again. At first it was lovely, I'm in bits without him but then I just got so confused as to why he'd got in touch! 1. He's staying in his marriage 2. he's an attractive bloke, he can get attention, 3. he's busy at work, 4. he's loads of friends including loads of young, female, single colleagues, 5. he has an amazing social life. HE DOESN'T NEED ME!! So he kept saying he wanted to meet but was too busy at the mo. I crumbled! I was finally put on tablets and I was on the verge of a breakdown after 18 months of all this coming and going and being addicted to a man who didn't want me! I told him this (via text) in the hope that he would finally understand what was happening to me and he'd stay away!

 

He did! For three very tough, hard and emotional months for me! Then in May he was back and we've been in touch since and have probably seen each other five times in the time. Odd couple of hours here and there. But I'm starting to hurt again.

 

I'm a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I can see this man is no good for me. Has been cooler and more in control of his feelings each time he's come back. He's appears able to flick a switch/keep me in a box nowadays until it suits him, although he would deny that. Whereas my feelings for him are messy, love, passion, all consuming, all the time, every day. He loves me/loves me not. He has feelings for me but obviously not enough. Can live without me but not for long???? SO CONFUSED!

 

With all this going on I'm separating from my wonderful husband anyway (our problem??? In 15 years we've never had a sex life of any kind. I thought I could live with this, I'd buried it for years. But I'm an attractive, sexy, only mid 30s woman who has spent pretty much her adult life trying to be something she's not! And OM has truly opened my eyes to what's inside of me!) I thought news of my separation would make OM run for good, but no! He's just worried about my child - can't you stay together for her, can't you stay together until she's older etc? I've tried but I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together for the children and that was no fun!

 

So I'm totally lost and don't know which way to turn. Amazingly holding it together most of the time but quick to cry and desperate for some peace. I'm really looking to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and has lived to tell the tale. I am addicted to this man. No one else compares. I'm scared no one else will make me feel like he does, connect in so many ways, he is me in male form!!! Even though he makes me feel crap more than good nowadays. My life has crumbled while he appears to carry on regardless. I need to know that after the end of my marriage, a terrible two years and depression I can smile again and wake up happy in the morning, happy to get out of bed. I'm literally desperate to be properly happy and content again! I can't see light at the end of this tunnel but keep thinking that there has to be! See old me is in there somewhere - positive and happy deep down just buried under OM's mess!

 

Please don't just tell me to get a grip - I really am trying! I'm desperate to sort me out. I'm wondering if hypnotherapy would help?? Anyone got any experience of it???

 

Thanks for reading!! xxx

[jthorne]

38 views and no replies... Ok, I'll give it a shot...

There's a lot of fish in the sea. Your current and past experience for the last 15 years has been with only 2 of them. One who is a good guy, but not so exciting, and another that is exciting but not such a good guy.

 

The exciting one isn't going to leave his wife. The exciting one uses you when it suits him, and insults you when your needs become inconvenient for him.

 

See where I'm going with this? These two fish are not the only two fish in the sea.

Maybe you need to start swimming in a different pond.

[Diamante]

Hi

 

 

I'm a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I can see this man is no good for me. Has been cooler and more in control of his feelings each time he's come back. He's appears able to flick a switch/keep me in a box nowadays until it suits him, although he would deny that. Whereas my feelings for him are messy, love, passion, all consuming, all the time, every day. He loves me/loves me not. He has feelings for me but obviously not enough. Can live without me but not for long???? SO CONFUSED!

 

 

Hello and welcome,

 

I will start by saying that you need to read your own writing (above in bold) and know that you already have all the answers needed to get through this. Your MOM is just using you for his convenience and this may be a bit like a game to him. It's clear that he cares about you, but he cares about himself a whole lot more.

 

I have been in a similar situation with a few slight differences. The main one being that I ended my emotional affair (EA) with my xMOM before it turned into a physical affair (PA). You can read some of my other posts for more details. It's only been two weeks of no contact (NC), but I have made a firm decision and I am not going to allow him to slip back into my life again.

 

You mentioned that he is like an addiction, and you are correct. Getting over him and moving on will be like overcoming an addition to drugs/alcohol b/c your MOM has the same stimulating effect on your brain. What you need to do is get yourself into a 12-step program (ie counseling, self help, etc) and educate yourself on what you need in your life and how to understand the patterns of behaviour. Only then will you be able to see things for what they are and remove this man from your life once and for all. You are still in the affair fog.

 

You sound like a smart lady, and you will no doubt find another man who gives you everything you need. Up until this point, you are seeking need fulfillment from two different men. Neither one of them are right for you by the sounds of it.

 

This is a great chance for you to do some real self learning. If you devote this time to helping YOU, when it's all over and you are ready to love again and be with a good man, you will have so much more to offer him. Be selfish now, push the MOM out of your head, and focus on you. Otherwise, you may miss other opportunities to be truly happy.

 

I am doing the same right now as I get over my xMOM, except that I am also focusing on my fiance and our R, as well as myself. It's hard some days, and it still hurts a lot; I think of him constantly, but I have made the right choice for everyone involved. (he has 2 kids)

 

Best of luck to you! You've definitely come to a good place to start healing.

[sadintexas]

When you're missing something in your life, and someone comes along and gives it to you, it's hard not have over the moon feelings for that person. If you couple that with the odd pattern of A's where it feels like you're infinitely in the courtship phase, the anticipation, butterflies, etc., it's hard not to become addicted to the person/situation. It's very normal and happens to most of us.

 

The thing to realize is that if the A relationship could move past the courtship phase, and you had a regular relationship, it may very well not be all it's cracked up to be.

 

It took me a very long time to take my rose colored glasses off when it came to my FMM. Only after observing him and his situation for more than a year after I ended it was I able to see the chinks in his armour. He's not all bad, but he's not nearly the man I made him out to be during our A.

 

I'm a little angry at the MM for you. When he sees you hurting, needing medication, needing to heal and he still comes after you, it makes me angry. Oftentimes we attribute that pursuit to love that they feel for us. It may be that in small part, but the larger motivation is usually how you make him feel, what part you play in escaping his own life and filling his own needs. If the love was strong as we like to think it is, he would put your needs ahead of his own (when you're obviously hurting) and let you go as you've asked. He'd at least be more considerate of your feelings and your needs.

 

You can recover from this, but like any difficult situation, it takes time and effort on your part. Continue with your meds and counseling, support groups, talking here, whatever it takes to keep moving forward and away from the MM. You're intelligent, you're strong, you can do it.

 

The further you get away from it, the clearer things become. As things start to become clear, the healing happens much faster. In order to get away from it though, you have to distance yourself from the MM. That's why no contact is so often suggested because it really is a tool for healing.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. I had the days where I thought I would never feel the same way that I felt when with MM. It turned out that's not true at all, and in the end, I enjoy my days not worrying about someone else's marriage and someone else's problems. I enjoy looking forward to my future and knowing that I can build a life with someone who is available and dedicated to me.

 

Most importantly I appreciate that I dodged a bullet so to speak by not being more seriously involved with a man who avoids conflict and doesn't have enough respect for his wife to either commit to his marriage and work to make it a good marriage, or be decent enough to provide her with the honesty she needs to make her own choices. Had things been different, I could be walking in his wife's shoes. I'm thankful everyday that I'm not.

Edited July 10, 2010 by sadintexas

[breaking_bad]

You sound a bit like me. It is a really godawful situation. I have been having the same ups and downs and ins and outs over the past year.

 

Finally, my MM said the other day that there was nothing he could offer, short-term or long-term in regards to a relationship. There was no future that he had in his mind even remotely similar to the one fantasy I had created in mine.

 

I take full ownership that I have done alot of this to myself - I created this ideal view of him, of us, and of what we could be. When I force myself to actually walk through the ACTUAL reality of our last year, I am scarcely able to believe that I actually created such a beautiful idea of us. Even calling him my MM seems strange, because I had up until now denied the MM part to myself. God bless him, but he treated me like crap for the better part of a year, and I had us blissfully together forever in perfection Oh, he wanted me, but that was about it. Like a 2 year old wants a piece of candy....

 

Trust me, I smile at that through tears, I am devastated and so sad, and I miss him so much I could die.

 

But like you, I'm an intelligent woman, with a career and alot of potential. And when I take a second to look at the situation for what it really was, it is easy to see that you just MUST break yourself out of it. Even though you love him. Even though the very thought of him puts you in an envelope of feeling so loved and beautiful and warm. BREAK IT.

 

And then pick up your scepter, as a kick-ass beautiful, smart and strong woman, and figure out what you are supposed to be learning about yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. Take care of yourself. Let yourself cry, and spoil yourself rotten and give yourself hugs you deserve.

 

Then seriously take this as a chance to find your purpose and passion. We were put on this earth to be something, to do something. I am guessing it was not to love and obsess and sit and wait, and waste hours and days and years and energy over a shallow and annoying married dude. Who is just by the way, not even a real and physical part of your life at the moment. He's just sitting there, perfectly, in your head. Well and for me, well, my MM lived in my blackberry

 

And finally, if you are really feeling addicted, obsessed and overwhelmed, then please you should go talk to someone professional. It can help you sort things out, and it also gives you someone non-judgemental to talk to that can help to guide you out of this. It is very hard to do this alone, because it isn't the kind of thing family and friends are prepared to discuss w/ you, and you need someone right now. Take care of yourself. That is job #1.

[U2RockZz]

oh.... lot of crap....drama...!!!!

 

" I thought I was very happy with mine and certainly wasn't looking for anything!"

 

 

anyways what made you decide that you weren't happy....???

 

is it your OM...???? or is it your new found feelings...???

 

you mean to say you do not have a real opinion/definition of happiness for yourself....even if you have, it will change when the next bloke comes up with actual happiness theory...

 

anyways why separation,why not D....now you seem to found a definition of happiness...then why waste his time....

[Bitlost2]

I just wanted to thank you for taking time to reply, share your experiences, kind words and give me some hope. Everything you say is already in my head but when I'm in a bad place I simply lose all hope that this nightmare will ever be over and I can smile again! It's been two years now of coming, going, highs, lows, confusion, happiness and many many tears. It's just worn me out. But I'm hoping that as he gives me so little nowadays this will be the easiest yet to walk away, I just struggle to let go of the man he used to be rather than the one he is now!

 

Anyway, I've said enough already, just thank you for your support. There aren't many places you can turn in this situation and actually get some understanding that you are not some shocking, vile, marriage destroying person. That's never been my intention and luckily I'm the only one to date that has really suffered by my stupidity!!!!

 

xx