LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I'm debating about this guy I've been dating for a little over 3 months now. We agreed to start off slow, he has recently gotten out of a LTR and it's been a year since I have been out my last very serious LTR. But now I'm feeling like I want to take things to the next level. To me this means maybe just an official, we are bf/gf exclusive status. We haven't said the L word, I know it's too soon but I do feel like I'm falling. Anyways, it has pretty much gotten to a point where we spend every weekend together, spend the weekend at my place or his and we have a lot of fun. Over last weekend we had a little talk and I mentioned I wanted more. He said he can't give more, he doesn't have it in him and that this is all he can give. I told him this made me feel rejected but he didn't quite understand. He said he's here, he's not going anywhere and it's not like he's dating anyone else. Am I being too needy? Should I be more patient or should I break this off because supposedly this is the type of scenario where he may be "not that into me" but I'm not sure. I guess I'm scared to continue forward if it isn't going to go anywhere and I don't want to get really hurt. It will hurt now to break it off but maybe I'm jumping the gun? I don't know. Things were a bit tense for a couple of days but I eventually contacted him and told him I hope things haven't changed and he responded that things are fine and that he likes where we are at. Once again, I'm lost. Any advice?
Serenitynow Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 You need to give more details to your situation. Are you sexually active with him ? I mentioned I wanted more. He said he can't give more, he doesn't have it in him and that this is all he can give. What exactly is MORE in your eyes, compared to what you get from him now ? .
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 You need to give more details to your situation. Are you sexually active with him ? What exactly is MORE in your eyes, compared to what you get from him now ? . Yes, we are sexually active. More to me right now would at least be a statement of being exclusive. I guess I should also note he's currently unemployed and has been since we met, he's been looking while working odd jobs and I know that can be stresful.
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 I mean, I keep reading on different sites and such when a guy says he isn't ready for more, it means they aren't ready for a serious relationship with you. Does this sound like the case here? How can I tell if he is actually interested in me or if he's just enjoying my company for now, if that makes sense?
Gattica Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 If he can't give you more and you want more, I would move on.
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Maybe it was too soon for that conversation, everything seems to be going great otherwise and I'm just wondering if I'm trying to rush things too quickly. It's been 10 years since I've been in the beginning stages of a relationship, I don't know how to navigate... I really like this guy, my friends like him and have told me to give him time and be patient, he is very affectionate and attentive, I just don't know how everything really adds up and if I'm just over thinking things and maybe just need to go with the flow more. I, myself, am all over the place as well so that probably doesn't help either. I like that things have been going slow with us, we just happen to see each other every weekend which I like a lot and he said it already feels like we are in a relationship, which I agree, but I guess he doesn't want to say it for some reason. I just don't know...I just want some reassurance from him that we're going to eventually progress but it will take time. I just don't know how to ask without making him feel pressured and I'm torn about saying anything this weekend since we just had that talk last weekend.
Serenitynow Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 So you are sexually active with a guy that may be sexually active with who knows what ? And again, a guy with no job. I swear I need to quit my job to get a date You sound like you will put up with pretty much anything from him, regardless of what you say here. You even said how you dont want to bother him since you just talked about it before. Dont you realize all he is doing is just using you for sex as he bides his time ? .
2sunny Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 he's willing to have sex with you but he's unwilling to commit... do you see why that looks backwards? eliminate the sex - THEN see how much he holds you as a priority in his daily life. if sex is introduced before the level of intimacy that you're looking for - there is no reason why he would have the need to invest anything more. he gets what he's looking for - without much effort. is that enough for you?
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 So you are sexually active with a guy that may be sexually active with who knows what ? And again, a guy with no job. I swear I need to quit my job to get a date You sound like you will put up with pretty much anything from him, regardless of what you say here. You even said how you dont want to bother him since you just talked about it before. Dont you realize all he is doing is just using you for sex as he bides his time ? . He's not dating anyone else, he pretty much spends all his free time with me, he just doesn't have it in him to get more serious I think. Sorry but you sound a bit bitter, what here makes it seem like it's only about sex? Just because we have sex? We dated for a month before going there. We both wanted to start off slow. He's opened up to me about some very personal things, things he wouldn't tell just anyone. I've met his closest friends and he's met mine. He said I could meet his mom soon (we were by her place last weekend and he mentioned it but I wasn't ready yet). We go out and do things, we are social and getting to know each other. It's not like we are always in the bedroom. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm overreacting by his lack of verbal commitment when his actions seem to say otherwise. He's always told me he's not good at talking about his feelings so I figure this is one other thing he's not good at verbalizing at. Sorry if I wasn't detailed enough in the first place.
Gero Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I think that being that it's only been 3 months it's a little early to worry about things getting serious or whatever. If you are fine with what you guys have now then that's cool. If you really want more and he's not giving it then you can move on. You can also just wait and see if things naturally progress. Only you know what you want here and you'll make the best decision for you.
that girl Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Have you actually asked him about exclusivity? Or have you just vaguely talked about being boyfriend/girlfriend and committment? If you haven't flat out said "I want this to be exclusive" say it. If he is not seeing anyone else and you've been dating three months I don't see why he would say no. But if you have been upfront and he won't agree to exclusivity, walk away. People do not often change their mind about that one after a few months.
2sunny Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 since he has firmly expressed how he's willing and NOT willing to participate with you - YOU need to decide how YOU are willing to participate or NOT participate with him. he's trained YOU to accept little effort on his part - yet you are willing to continue - while YOUR needs aren't perfectly met by him. you can tell him it's not enough for you and that you need more effort from him. if you are willing to settle for a man that doesn't call during the week - then reward him with your company and sex on the weekend - YOU are training him to treat you as his after thought.
Yamaha Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I mentioned I wanted more. He said he can't give more, he doesn't have it in him and that this is all he can give. This very much means he isn't that into you. He isn't in it for the long haul so if your looking for a LTR with him I would break things off now before you really get hurt by this guy.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Being unemployed can sink a person's self esteem to the point where they don't think they are worthy of anything much less the "correctness" of giving "more". Just ask him if we are b/f and g/f or f___ buddies. If he says anything other than the first of the two, he may indeed just not be that into you. Either you can end it or accept that you have a sexual relationship of convenience rather than one of mutual ga-ga-ness.
kalikula Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Don't waste too much more time on this guy. I would ask him why he can't give more, but it sounds like he doesn't see a serious relationship with you. It sounds like he's comfortable hanging out but he doesn't want to commit to you. I think you should talk to him and tell him that you're looking to be in a committed, serious relationship, and if he doesn't see you guys ever getting serious in the future, then you want to know. I don't think that's pressuring him so much as seeing if you guys are on the same page (It doesn't really sound like you are). You don't want to get really involved if he's never going to give you what you want.
Gero Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Being unemployed can sink a person's self esteem to the point where they don't think they are worthy of anything... True. I know that feeling.
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Thanks very much for the constructive responses. I think one problem is that our conversation was kind of vague. Me saying "I want more" might mean something different to him than to me. Although I'm not sure what it is I mean either lol. I tried to get clarity during the conversation but it didn't happen, I got too emotional I think, I can't quite remember (which prob means I did get emotional lol). I know maybe 3 months is still pretty early to rush things, correct? I'm so used to being in a relationship because my last one was for 10 years that I'm not sure what it means to take things slow in a sense, which is why I'm questioning my own thoughts. Maybe I want more fast because that's what I'm used to and familiar with. Oh and we do have contact during the week, via text/phone calls/IM. The other thing is that we live about 40 minutes apart, which has helped to keep things slow but also made it so that spending the weekend over is an easy way to spend more time together. So far he has been accommodating to my needs. After our first month of dating I wanted to see him more so I told him I wanted to spend more time together and now here we are. I would love more input, thanks in advance.
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Don't waste too much more time on this guy. I would ask him why he can't give more, but it sounds like he doesn't see a serious relationship with you. It sounds like he's comfortable hanging out but he doesn't want to commit to you. I think you should talk to him and tell him that you're looking to be in a committed, serious relationship, and if he doesn't see you guys ever getting serious in the future, then you want to know. I don't think that's pressuring him so much as seeing if you guys are on the same page (It doesn't really sound like you are). You don't want to get really involved if he's never going to give you what you want. Thank you. I want a commitment but not necessarily for us to be very serious right now. We both need time in that sense.
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Being unemployed can sink a person's self esteem to the point where they don't think they are worthy of anything much less the "correctness" of giving "more". Just ask him if we are b/f and g/f or f___ buddies. If he says anything other than the first of the two, he may indeed just not be that into you. Either you can end it or accept that you have a sexual relationship of convenience rather than one of mutual ga-ga-ness. This is what I've been thinking in regards to his not being able to "give more" as he is very stressed about work and money right now and, generally speaking, it's important for a guy to feel he can provide to a woman. But does that mean nothing more will happen with us when he does get a job?
Author LostInLA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Have you actually asked him about exclusivity? Or have you just vaguely talked about being boyfriend/girlfriend and committment? If you haven't flat out said "I want this to be exclusive" say it. If he is not seeing anyone else and you've been dating three months I don't see why he would say no. But if you have been upfront and he won't agree to exclusivity, walk away. People do not often change their mind about that one after a few months. No, I haven't said those exact words. All I said was I want more, which was my first mistake. When we talk about us next, I will say it this way, thank you.
2sunny Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 This is what I've been thinking in regards to his not being able to "give more" as he is very stressed about work and money right now and, generally speaking, it's important for a guy to feel he can provide to a woman. But does that mean nothing more will happen with us when he does get a job? nothing more will happen if you're not telling him exactly what you need to be happy - and that you're ending the R if he's unwilling o give you what YOU need in order to consider the R further. if he's not going to commit - are you willing to continuing sex with him knowing that he doesn't intend to be serious about you?
Feelin Frisky Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 This is what I've been thinking in regards to his not being able to "give more" as he is very stressed about work and money right now and, generally speaking, it's important for a guy to feel he can provide to a woman. But does that mean nothing more will happen with us when he does get a job? My full post advised asking him--not bluntly though, but when the time is right for an intimate question--if you are b/f and g/f or kinda just F___ buddies. If he answers yes to the b/f and g/f thing you can be a little more assured that you have a real relationship. If he says we're f___ buddies or something to that effect, you can either decide you can't live with that or just accept that you are lovers and not "in love". Many people on both sides of the gender spectrum are pleased with a F____ buddy arrangement--they feel they have something besides lonliness to look forward to and can have sexual satisfaction without the ups and downs of deep emotional attachments. But there are also those who feel the need to know where they are going and need to be number one in their lover's heart. I've had both types of realtionships and the ultimate failure of the two direction-focused and being committed tore my heart to shreds. I wanted to be married and I started out with that directional thing in mind and desire to settle down monagamously. The last one turned out to be so clingy and supicious and unable to trust that I heart-brakingly had to face that it couldn't work. I was an emotional wreck. Thank goodness for a f__buddy relationship or two to make me feel still wanted somemonths after to make me feel still wanted if not loved. Good luck. Jim
lso802 Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 He could be just not that into you or just being responsible. Like you mentioned, he got out of an LDR not too long ago and is currently unemployed. You just have to go with your guts on this one.
Brady_to_Moss Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 And again, a guy with no job. I swear I need to quit my job to get a date Same. I always find that people with no jobs always find people to date and i have no clue why. I have 2 jobs and cant imagine ever having nothing to do 24/7
2sunny Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 "He's just not that into you" - Is this true? you have evidence of ONE thing - he's into the sex. consider taking the sex out of the equation and see if he's still interested in making time to see you - for you - every weekend. he either wants you, for you - or you for sex. which one is it? one way to find out...
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