jstalltxga Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I was told by a girl months ago that she wouldn't date me because I have "massive self esteem issues". I think it was supposed to be a nice thing because she said she wanted to help me, but I couldn't help but feel really hurt by this. I have moved on from this girl pretty easily but I have always found this to be a pretty persistent problem. I feel like i'm a pretty decent guy and everyone has their problems, I certainly have mine. It seems like other people I know with just as many if not more problems still manage to find relationships while im kinda SOL. my main question is: How does one deal with these issues, yet still work through it enough to form a relationship. it seems like these things wont exactly work themselves out all at once, but it would be nice to have someone around.
skydiveaddict Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Just a guess , bet I think you're being too nice and overprotective. Let go a little more. good luck
Thierro Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Put all your issues in a following post for us. I will give a one sentence solution to every issue you describe.
Author jstalltxga Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) Put all your issues in a following post for us. I will give a one sentence solution to every issue you describe. it's hard to say what they really are but ill give it my best shot: 1. being rejected a lot over a course of years, I kind of feel like I have this tape in my head playing over and over that every girl I date is probably going to reject me. most of the time things will seem fine, then i'll get rejected without knowing why. 2. I spent many years feeling like I was sort of invisible to women, I guess it was a really long ugly duckling phase. though i've always been kind oblivious to women who are attracted to me. 3. I'm really starting to learn what it means to have self confidence. it sounds weird but I did not understand what it really meant untill I got my art career going. 4. I am a very modest person, I detest people who are flashy and over pretentious so it's a bit hard for me to 'own' my better qualities. 5. I am 26 and I never really have had a serious relationship. It's the one thing that im very self concious and insecure about. I can't even bring myself to tell a girl that if she asked me. thanks Just a guess , bet I think you're being too nice and overprotective. Let go a little more. good luck I can see the nice part, do you mean overprotective of myself? Edited July 10, 2010 by jstalltxga
that girl Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 My guess is that you are in some way leading with your issues. A girl doesn't just guess you have self-esteem issues, you either tell her or show her.
Thierro Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) I lied.. the whole one sentence solution didn't work out. Well. First of all; the self fulfilling prophecy. Ever heard of it? What you think will be. It happened to me too. Things will happen to you when you start to think about it too much. You thought the girl would reject you, so she did. Because of thinking that way your body and attitude started to portray that same guy in your head that will eventually get rejected. You never get rejected, you only discover if a woman has good taste. Believe that you are God and you will be. You are insecure about your looks. Why? You can’t change it and you know this. But feeling is being. Actually girls don’t even care about looks. It’s attitude! And you actually need to kick your butt for a moment, because you aren’t ugly. Try to explain this to people that do have some misfortune during birth, accidents or sickness. Self confidence is about being happy in your own skin. Knowing that you can accomplish everything in life. Being proud of your own accomplishments and know that you are a good an nice guy and that you deserve everything that is possible. Don’t settle for anything. Don’t let other people define you. It doesn’t matter what they say. They only can make you feel a certain way when you let them. There isn’t a magical pill or way to BE all this. Knowing is not enough, we must apply, willing is not enough, we must do. I like modest people. They don’t feel the urge to brag about their accomplishments. You are a quality guy, I sense that and I know this. You are 26 and have not been in a serious relationship. Just take life as an adventure. Be all you can be. Be proud of who you are. Don’t be insecure about who you are. Where is your self respect when you can’t be honest? You TRULY need to love yourself. You need to change your inner dialogue; An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them... “A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too.” They thought about this for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather... “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied... “The one you feed.” So don't feed those negative thoughts. Edited July 10, 2010 by Thierro
Gero Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 The OP sounds exactly like me. Same age and everything.
Author jstalltxga Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) This is good stuff, Thank you for taking the time to write it out. Much appreciated! i'll try to work on it. on A related note, I just moved home to Texas after living a year in Georgia. All of these issues seem to come up and get magnified ten fold when I am home. not that it changes when I leave, definitely easier to not get bogged down by it when I am away, so I may move again before the end of the year. I lied.. the whole one sentence solution didn't work out. Well. First of all; the self fulfilling prophecy. Ever heard of it? What you think will be. It happened to me too. Things will happen to you when you start to think about it too much. You thought the girl would reject you, so she did. Because of thinking that way your body and attitude started to portray that same guy in your head that will eventually get rejected. You never get rejected, you only discover if a woman has good taste. Believe that you are God and you will be. You are insecure about your looks. Why? You can’t change it and you know this. But feeling is being. Actually girls don’t even care about looks. It’s attitude! And you actually need to kick your butt for a moment, because you aren’t ugly. Try to explain this to people that do have some misfortune during birth, accidents or sickness. Self confidence is about being happy in your own skin. Knowing that you can accomplish everything in life. Being proud of your own accomplishments and know that you are a good an nice guy and that you deserve everything that is possible. Don’t settle for anything. Don’t let other people define you. It doesn’t matter what they say. They only can make you feel a certain way when you let them. There isn’t a magical pill or way to BE all this. Knowing is not enough, we must apply, willing is not enough, we must do. I like modest people. They don’t feel the urge to brag about their accomplishments. You are a quality guy, I sense that and I know this. You are 26 and have not been in a serious relationship. Just take life as an adventure. Be all you can be. Be proud of who you are. Don’t be insecure about who you are. Where is your self respect when you can’t be honest? You TRULY need to love yourself. You need to change your inner dialogue; An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them... “A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too.” They thought about this for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather... “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied... “The one you feed.” So don't feed those negative thoughts. Edited July 10, 2010 by jstalltxga
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