September Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Just throwing out a question. Is it more likely that independant, working women are more likely to end their marriage after their husbands have been caught having an affair as opposed to women that are reliant financially on their husbands?
califnan Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Probably .. Marriages can start out being about love .. but end up being about money or accumulated assets.. Could be the reason why men stay, as well..
Iconoclast Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Wait..wtf?? CAN start out being about love, end up about money? You poor thing, you must have been burned hard. I truly feel for you. Hope you get better.
Author September Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 I have over the last few weeks been asking female married friends what they would do if they found out their partner had cheated. The one's that worked and were able to financially look after themselves said they would divorce them straight away. Yet the one's that were kept by their husband's completely agreed that they would take them back because they were terrified of having to get a job and look after themselves. Some of my kept friends, don't know anything about paying bills, if they have insurance, what assets they have etc. They are just happy to spend away and stay in the dark. It has been an interesting observation and I find it sad that women are afraid of or don't want to know about financials. If their partner died, a lot of them wouldn't have a clue about looking after themselves and their children. I know a lot of it is choice but women really need to know more and have some independance in case their partners do leave or pass away.
fooled once Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Just throwing out a question. Is it more likely that independant, working women are more likely to end their marriage after their husbands have been caught having an affair as opposed to women that are reliant financially on their husbands? I don't think so. I divorced my ex when I was in between jobs and had a small child to raise and a house I couldn't afford It would have been safer and/or much easier to stay married to my ex (who was not cheating and neither was I), but I wanted a divorce. I took all the debt, gave him 1/2 of everything we owned, kept his child support at 1/2 the state requirements and I was unemployed. I was willing to do whatever was necessary (almost) to get divorced; even if that meant digging a HUGE whole of debt for myself.
Secure Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Just throwing out a question. Is it more likely that independant, working women are more likely to end their marriage after their husbands have been caught having an affair as opposed to women that are reliant financially on their husbands? Not necessarily. Maybe if those "independent, working women" have good self esteem and have been unhappy in their marriages. My xMM got caught having contact with me twice, the last being a year after she initially found out about us. She has children, no job, and no career. She would never kick him out and he knew that. I believe our affair was his first but after all of the drama, she still professes he's the "best husband in the world." He is probably having two other affairs by now. My husband spoke with her on few occasions in great length and he even stated she is obviously stuck and feels she has no other options. There is so much to their situation, my husband and I both really feel for her. Instead of threatening to kick him out, she threatened to tell his family. She is totally financially dependent.
Secure Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I have over the last few weeks been asking female married friends what they would do if they found out their partner had cheated. The one's that worked and were able to financially look after themselves said they would divorce them straight away. Yet the one's that were kept by their husband's completely agreed that they would take them back because they were terrified of having to get a job and look after themselves. Some of my kept friends, don't know anything about paying bills, if they have insurance, what assets they have etc. They are just happy to spend away and stay in the dark. It has been an interesting observation and I find it sad that women are afraid of or don't want to know about financials. If their partner died, a lot of them wouldn't have a clue about looking after themselves and their children. I know a lot of it is choice but women really need to know more and have some independance in case their partners do leave or pass away. Not only in case their partners leave. Women need to have independence to not feel stuck in a situation in which they are not happy. My xMM even told his wife to either trust him or go find another husband. There is no way in H E double hockey sticks my husband or I would say something like that to each other. We both know the other one would be out the door. I lost more respect for my xMM for the way he treated his wife after she found out than for cheating.
Woggle Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I think if most women could survive on their own they would divorce cheating or not. Most women only stay with their men for that very reason. Very few actually love them.
Secure Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I don't think so. I divorced my ex when I was in between jobs and had a small child to raise and a house I couldn't afford It would have been safer and/or much easier to stay married to my ex (who was not cheating and neither was I), but I wanted a divorce. I took all the debt, gave him 1/2 of everything we owned, kept his child support at 1/2 the state requirements and I was unemployed. I was willing to do whatever was necessary (almost) to get divorced; even if that meant digging a HUGE whole of debt for myself. Too bad many women don't have your courage and determination. A few women I know have forgiven their men 1-3 times for cheating but to them it's the norm and what is expected. As their dads cheated and their moms forgave them. They will even tell you that "all men cheat."
Secure Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I think if most women could survive on their own they would divorce cheating or not. Most women only stay with their men for that very reason. Very few actually love them. I also believe this to be true. They don't work full time, children in private school, live in a prestigious area, have a nice circle of friends, and more. Don't want to give up the status. Well, my parents taught me to be independent and not depend on anyone. When I married it was all love.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I was a SAHM for years, then I took a part time job so that I could be available for the kids and Mr. Messy traveled a great deal. But when it was time to make that choice...I decided that I was owed not only for the lie of a marriage, wasted years while he wasn't faithful, emotional distress and putting my health at risk..and I got it. So he was excused from the duty of being married to me.
TOWinNYC Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Just throwing out a question. Is it more likely that independant, working women are more likely to end their marriage after their husbands have been caught having an affair as opposed to women that are reliant financially on their husbands? This is just my personal OPINION (culled from what I have seen & heard) - but I would have to say yes. Actually, let me rephrase that and say, it's women who make as much or a lot more than their husbands. If there is a huge discrepancy between the wife's income and her husband's - even if the wife is "working" (say as a part-time waitress) she'll most likely not kick him out.
OFGnomore Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) This seems like a no brainer but I'll answer anyway. Look at the self sufficient women who pretty much said eff this, Sandra Bullock, Jenny Sanford, Elin Woods, Juanita Jordan. When you have "stupid money" it becomes even more obvious. But yes for the not so famous too who are financially independent. This is why I kind of balk at the notion that women are more forgiving than men in affairs. I don't think it's a true emotional forgiveness and that is why I read about so many BWs in pain who have stayed in their M right here on LS. I think it's "superficial forgiveness" out of necessity. Where a H who's d's his cheating W actually most often has an improved financial lifestyle on his own after a D. He doesn't have to forgive. At the risk of sounding callous, often times it's as simple as following the money trail and it sucks to be imprisoned this way. However, there are some bold ballsy women, yeah "Bent" I'm going to out you on this one, who rather live in a cardboard box than live without integrity. Edited July 10, 2010 by OFGnomore
Secure Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 This seems like a no brainer but I'll answer anyway. Look at the self sufficient women who pretty much said eff this, Sandra Bullock, Jenny Sanford, Elin Woods, Juanita Jordan. When you have "stupid money" it becomes even more obvious. But yes for the not so famous too who are financially independent. This is why I kind of balk at the notion that women are more forgiving than men in affairs. I don't think it's a true emotional forgiveness and that is why I read about so many BWs in pain who have stayed in their M right here on LS. I think it's "superficial forgiveness" out of necessity. Where a H who's d's his cheating W actually most often has an improved financial lifestyle on his own after a D. He doesn't have to forgive. At the risk of sounding callous, often times it's as simple as following the money trail and it sucks to be imprisoned this way. However, there are some bold ballsy women, yeah "Bent" I'm going to out you on this one, who rather live in a cardboard box than live without integrity. Very well said. I am aware of several women(including my xMM's wife) who are miserable and truly do not trust their husbands. At home living with tons of anger and not even in marriage counseling. Having those negative feelings yet pushing the affairs under the rug.
Author September Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 I just think it's very sad that in some cases, BW's do take their WH's back because of financial reasons. I couldn't ever let myself rely on a man for money. There are a lot of men out there that have had an affair and when the marriage has ended, have made sure they do look after their w's and children. Sure, some BS's have to go back to work but did that ever hurt anyone? Staying with your husband, IMO, just to keep up appearances, when the relationship has disintegrated, just isn't healthy. It also gives children the impression that it is acceptable to stay with a man that has done the wrong thing by you. A close friend of mine changed the locks on her door one day when her cheating (now xH), went to work. At the time, she had a 2 year old and 3 month old baby. She struggles daily with working, studying part-time and being a parent but says she wouldn't have it any other way. She says she has integrity and dignity and doesn't need a man to look after her and the children. She now has the chance to find someone that really loves and wants to be with her. Good on her!!
bentnotbroken Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I just think it's very sad that in some cases, BW's do take their WH's back because of financial reasons. I couldn't ever let myself rely on a man for money. There are a lot of men out there that have had an affair and when the marriage has ended, have made sure they do look after their w's and children. Sure, some BS's have to go back to work but did that ever hurt anyone? Staying with your husband, IMO, just to keep up appearances, when the relationship has disintegrated, just isn't healthy. It also gives children the impression that it is acceptable to stay with a man that has done the wrong thing by you. A close friend of mine changed the locks on her door one day when her cheating (now xH), went to work. At the time, she had a 2 year old and 3 month old baby. She struggles daily with working, studying part-time and being a parent but says she wouldn't have it any other way. She says she has integrity and dignity and doesn't need a man to look after her and the children. She now has the chance to find someone that really loves and wants to be with her. Good on her!! Not all people, male or female, want to leave. I guess it depends on the needs that the BS has and if those needs can be met while remaining in the marriage.
threebyfate Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Just throwing out a question. Is it more likely that independant, working women are more likely to end their marriage after their husbands have been caught having an affair as opposed to women that are reliant financially on their husbands?I agree that more financially independent women leave cheating husbands. But this might have more to do with personality type of being independent, rather than solely about the money. Correlation rather than causation.
Spark1111 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I would never judge any woman who has to stay for financial reasons because she is raising young children; has no support system; no "home" to go home to. Never. That is a whole different ballgame as far as I'm concerned. Those babies come first, and if she can't find away to support them, i.e. job, parental support, etc., then she does what is best for her and her children at that moment. If that means staying with the cheating bastard, so be it. Personally, I was amazed by the people who said to me if I STAYED with him because of the income, they would understand. I was shocked that anyone who even thought they remotely knew me would suggest such a thing. I make my own damn money. I never wanted or needed his. In fact, initially he was astonished at how I kept throwing him out. As if he could buy me back. I'd rather live in a hovel than to sell my integrity. But my children are older and I have greater freedom.
spriggig Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I agree that more financially independent women leave cheating husbands. But this might have more to do with personality type of being independent, rather than solely about the money. Correlation rather than causation. THANK YOU! This is what I was trying to figure out how to say. All I could come up with was "I love you man!", yeah a little beer goes a long way in my body.
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