heart of gold Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 This is long so I apologize...but I would really appreciate some advice! A few days ago, my "boyfriend" of almost 2 years made out with another girl at a party while he was drunk. When I called to confront him about it he said that it was over and that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. There's A LOT more to this story though... We started dating senior year of high school and up until the 11 month mark, things had been great. I broke up with him a few months into college (we attend the same university) because he had been lying about little things such as going out and I saw this as a huge red flag. However, I quickly realized that I had jumped the gun on breaking it off and wanted to work through our problems, as did he. It got complicated though because we were both hurt by what happened and both had hard feelings about the break up. So for about a year we've been on and off, only officially together for about a month but still acting like we were dating. There was A LOT of drama with neither one of us being able to let go of the other and call it off for good. Recently, he has began working a full time job (just for the summer) and has also had to take on extra responsibilities around the house because his mom was diagnosed with breat cancer. I understand that this is a stressful time for him and us fighting was something that he didn't need. I also understand that what I was looking for was the relationship that we had before the initail breakup which consisted of 24/7 texing and seeing each other as often as possible. I now realize that this kind of relationship can be suffocating! I've been talking to one of my really good friends a lot and sometimes I just want to shut off my phone! Not because I don't care, but because everyone needs time to themselves. I love being independant and not having to constantly check in with someone else before I do anything, which is something that I know that he felt and tried to express to me. Basically, I feel that I have grown more mature in the way that I see relationships now. We have had one conversation since we officially stopped seeing each other and it consisted of us agreeing that we needed this separation. However, he also mentioned that it was best for "right now" meaning that he expects to continue in the future? I've thought about this a lot and I know that I am an independant woman and it's not that I need to be with him, but that I want to be with him. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. I believe that taking time apart for right now will help us both figure out what we need to do to become the people we want to be, but I also think that we were made for each other. Does anyone have anything that could help in my situation? Success stories of getting back together with an ex? The amount of time that passes before everything can work out again? I realize that every situation is unique, but any success that can be provided would be amazing to hear.
sloudrou Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 This is long so I apologize...but I would really appreciate some advice! A few days ago, my "boyfriend" of almost 2 years made out with another girl at a party while he was drunk. When I called to confront him about it he said that it was over and that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. There's A LOT more to this story though... We started dating senior year of high school and up until the 11 month mark, things had been great. I broke up with him a few months into college (we attend the same university) because he had been lying about little things such as going out and I saw this as a huge red flag. However, I quickly realized that I had jumped the gun on breaking it off and wanted to work through our problems, as did he. It got complicated though because we were both hurt by what happened and both had hard feelings about the break up. So for about a year we've been on and off, only officially together for about a month but still acting like we were dating. There was A LOT of drama with neither one of us being able to let go of the other and call it off for good. <snip> We have had one conversation since we officially stopped seeing each other and it consisted of us agreeing that we needed this separation. However, he also mentioned that it was best for "right now" meaning that he expects to continue in the future? The paragraphs I've quoted here tell me that you're probably wasting your time with this guy. Basically, there's plenty of sexual tension there, but no foundation for a relationship. Now if you're the sort of person who doesn't mind having a casual, sexual relationship, then go for it, but if you want anything more, it probably isn't going to happen. Him saying the separation was best for "right now" is just his way of keeping you in the bullpen. Basically he wants to screw around and he wants you to be one of the rotation, someone that he comes back to once in a while, along with the five or six others he has lined up. Now this is fine if you're happy to be that way with him, but right now he's just not looking for a relationship, and there's no guarantee about when (or if) he'll change his mind on that. You're better off finding someone who actually wants a relationship.
Author heart of gold Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Thank you for your opinion! Because I know him so well, I can honestly say that I know this is not the case. He's the type of person who treats physical intimacy as something that should only be done with a girl that he loves. This is why we got along so well. I truely believe that this break has nothing to do with him wanting other girls, but that it's just not the right time for us. He needs time to be by himself and focus his energy on his home and worklife. But I'm hoping that things will work out in the end and am looking for some similar, successful stories of this.
lunita Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Because I know him so well, I can honestly say that I know this is not the case. He's the type of person who treats physical intimacy as something that should only be done with a girl that he loves. I'm a little confused. You said the above but prior to that you said this: A few days ago, my "boyfriend" of almost 2 years made out with another girl at a party while he was drunk. When I called to confront him about it he said that it was over and that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Think about that for a second as your opinion of who he is "may" be different from the way he really is. Having said that, there may be hope, but first and foremost, you have to avoid contact with him. Especially since he's the one who did something to disrespect you. Keep as busy as possible and take the time to improve yourself. Work out, eat better, throw yourself into your work, hang out with friends and reconnect. I know it's tough but hang in. If he cares enough to grow up in the time that you are not contacting him, he'll reach out to you. But no contact...at least for now. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and if he still cares about you, he will feel it.
Author heart of gold Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 So yesterday would have been day 4 of NC, but I received a text from him telling me that he had just found his dog (who was very old) dead in the backyard. I didn't say anything along the lines of "can I do anything for you" or "I'm here if you need me." All I did was apologize for his loss. My question is why did he text me? He knows that I cared about his dog but if I really didn't mean anything to him and he didn't want me in his life I feel like he wouldn't have bothered texting me at all.
BellaBellaBella Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Sounds like he just needs the support. For some people dogs are part of the family. With his Mom's cancer and the dog, he probably wanted to reach out to someone who cares for him. Anyway for you to be there for him in a supporting manner without the bf/gf relationship? Or would that be to much for you?
Maverick1983 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I think maybe he got scared and possibly got a dose of "the grass is always greener" syndrome when he cheated on you.I think he probably feels a bit bad for what he done and realises what he did was wrong.I think because of his recent stressful time he is reaching out for someone to confide in and I suppose that it is a good thing that he wants you to be that person.I don't know but maybe it's possible that he realises that he didn't know what he had til now.Sometimes it takes something like that to make us realise the importance of someone in our lives we can turn to for comfort in sad situations.If you genuinely love him you should offer support but be careful not to expect this to be an oppurtunity to reconnect straight away.Remember that when someone is unfaithful to you that they owe you the proof that they have changed and make him earn your trust again.
Author heart of gold Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Thank you both for your input! I'm hoping things can go back to normal eventually, but like you said Maverick, if he doesn't prove himself to me then I'm not going to take him back. We had a conversation today that reminded me of when we first started dating. I know I'm still not over him cheating on me, but this seems like a step in the right direction to me
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