The number one mistake men make

[gamma1]

I am confused. Ask a few people who you are close too and trust for honest answers about why you are not getting dates.

It's often hard to get straight answers. I always hoped there were a few big things, but the picture I'm getting is it's a lot of little things, some of which I have no idea what they are.

 

Why do you keep insisting on conflating all of these things? Giving money to charity and helping people in need isn't what the OP was talking about. There's a difference between writing a check to UNICEF and dating people with serious problems thinking you can fix it all up for them.

 

I enjoy helping people, too, but after dating one guy who was bipolar and having it drain my energy and f- me up for a while, I absolutely refuse to play Rescuer-Martyr. It's not healthy.

 

You misinterpreted my post. Another user asked a question about what I do for others and I was answering it. I'm not conflating them at all.

Edited July 10, 2010 by gamma1

[gamma1]

It's not about what other people think. It's about who YOU are and about pushing that to the front. Stop worrying about everyone else and work on YOURSELF.

 

Nobody ever achieved anything by giving up.

 

That just shows you're hanging around the wrong men, much like you've been dating the wrong women.

It does matter what women think. If none of them want a relationship with me, there will be no relationship. Obviously I should improve myself for many reasons. I have a long way to go.

 

Many people believe the complete nonsense that when doing something nice for a woman, there's automatically an ulterior motive to have sex with her. The men who want immediate sex from women made this up and for some reason many women believe every word of it. It's draining enough that I constantly have to fight the urge to give up.

 

I don't hang around many men at all since I don't get along with many other men.

[vestigalvirgin]

My son is only three but being taught how to be a gentleman. I know there will be some women who will not appreciate those qualities but I pray he continues to maintain those qualities and not allow one woman to change him. Same for my daughter, she is being taught how a man should treat her by the way my husband interacts with her and me.

 

Secure, you had a 19 month long affair which you never told your h about.

 

You have zero respect for him.

[vestigalvirgin]

I think there's some truth to that. Also, the women with the least baggage are often happily married by their late 30s.

 

All women have "baggage." Men don't get to pick most of the time, because the worst baggage is often concealed until you are well-involved with the woman.

 

 

1. I do like helping other people. I think most people would find what I do meaningful.

 

Check.

 

 

2. It seems like everywhere is a meat market. It's hard to stomach anymore. It would be ideal to meet a woman while doing what I'm enjoying. It hasn't happened yet.

 

Stop trying to reinvent the wheel. Do the very basic stuff that people need to do to get dates. Get a nice haircut. Bathe. Get a decent car to drive around in. Get a decent job that gives you enough money for some spendin' cash, so you can spread it around a little bit if need be. If you have bad acne, get medication for it. Use mouthwash. Don't fart (at least not on the first date).

 

Physically, what's your body look like? Build up your arm muscles, get a weight set from Wal Mart. You don't have to go crazy bulking up. Are you a fat pig? Stop stuffing your face and do what you need to, to lose the lard.

 

Go out a lot. Socialize. Smile a lot. (If you have bad teeth get the necessary dental work done.) Don't get into arguments with people when you are socializing. I don't care how much you think Kirk rocks and Picard sucks.

 

Be "cool." Try and get close to women and chat with them without attaching like a freakin' remora. Don't stalk. Roll with stuff. Just roll. Be cool. Fake being cool if you don't know what being cool really is.

 

Ask random women out, randomly. But pleasantly. If they shoot you down just smile and say "Hey, whatever. Maybe some other time." And then move on to the next interaction.

 

If a girl says "yes" to a date, don't reinvent the wheel. Keep it low stress and conventional. Do exactly what is expected, be a gentleman, pay for the date, and at the end lean in for a good night kiss. If you don't get a kiss, try again or don't, it doesn't really matter.

 

If you're with a women who is trying to play games with you, don't stress. Let her play games and enjoy the experience, even if the relationship goes nowhere, you are learning about female behavior. Just don't get emotionally too invested in people like that. Then move on. Be non committal.

 

 

 

3. Men have told me to throw in the towel so many times, that I feel some bitterness towards my own sex. I know this does not help.

 

Dude, you whine too much. Probably all your male friends have told you the same thing I am telling you and all you want to do is whine.

 

Damnation, there are amputees and burn victims who have relationships. Midgets, dwarfs, seriously deformed people. Cancer victims. People who have had limbs blown off in Iraq.

 

WTF?!? do you have to complain about. NOTHING. Stop the frickin' whining.

 

 

 

It seems like every little thing I have to work on when it comes to dating. Nothing comes natural.

 

 

Reality check is that most likely you are simply a lazy sack of crap.

[vestigalvirgin]

I've asked for advice from other guys, but I don't do that anymore because of that incident.

 

If gero, you have above average looks, then you're simply not asking enough women out.

 

It's that simple.

[vestigalvirgin]

I really liked this girl and didn't want to blow it

 

Gero--something you need to do conceptually in this situation, is to de-link the feeling of really liking a particular girl from the not wanting to blow it.

 

When you really like someone you get performance anxiety and you clutch up which becomes the self fulfilling prophecy.

 

You have to ALLOW yourself to FEEL and EXPERIENCE the anxiety. Not try to mentally suppress it.

 

And you have to not care about blowing it.

 

It's all in your head Gero. All in your head.

[Gero]

I've asked for advice from other guys, but I don't do that anymore because of that incident.

 

If gero, you have above average looks, then you're simply not asking enough women out.

 

It's that simple.

 

It's possible. It's not like I go out and ask out every girl that I see. I only actually ask out a few girls a year, but that's a lot for me. I don't meet many women where I have a chance to ask them out. I don't go to bars or parties or whatever and have no desire to do so.

 

I really liked this girl and didn't want to blow it

 

Gero--something you need to do conceptually in this situation, is to de-link the feeling of really liking a particular girl from the not wanting to blow it.

 

When you really like someone you get performance anxiety and you clutch up which becomes the self fulfilling prophecy.

 

You have to ALLOW yourself to FEEL and EXPERIENCE the anxiety. Not try to mentally suppress it.

 

And you have to not care about blowing it.

 

It's all in your head Gero. All in your head.

 

The thing is that I know what I am doing. I talked to some of my friends and tried to get some advice but it didn't help. In the end, my obsession with having to know everything may have ruined my chances because I can't just read people.

[Secure]

My son is only three but being taught how to be a gentleman. I know there will be some women who will not appreciate those qualities but I pray he continues to maintain those qualities and not allow one woman to change him. Same for my daughter, she is being taught how a man should treat her by the way my husband interacts with her and me.

 

Secure, you had a 19 month long affair which you never told your h about.

 

You have zero respect for him.

 

I must have forgotten, did not realize this thread was about my affair. Oops.

 

Never have I disclosed my entire story about the affair in the forums. Your entitled to your opinion. Unlike some, until I ask, your opinion is irrelevant to me.

[Mike B.]

I must have forgotten, did not realize this thread was about my affair. Oops.

 

Never have I disclosed my entire story about the affair in the forums. Your entitled to your opinion. Unlike some, until I ask, your opinion is irrelevant to me.

 

 

Now, now. let calm down.

 

I have to admit, once vestigalVirgin started to make comments, that really spiced this already interesting topic up. Her replies were quite entertaining. On the other hand, it was a low blow to bring up Secure affair. That is off topic. Some people can say the right thing even though they have made mistakes to contradict the statement in the past. Right?

[Secure]

Now, now. let calm down.

 

I have to admit, once vestigalVirgin started to make comments, that really spiced this already interesting topic up. Her replies were quite entertaining. On the other hand, it was a low blow to bring up Secure affair. That is off topic. Some people can say the right thing even though they have made mistakes to contradict the statement in the past. Right?

 

Extremely off topic. And his statement can actually be considered false, as he does not know the details.

 

We have all made poor choices in which we would love to take back. It's sad that others see themselves as so perfect and don't believe people can learn from mistakes and move on.

[gamma1]

Reality check is that most likely you are simply a lazy sack of crap.

It's enough that I'm not good enough for any woman.

[You'reasian]

Is being a rescuer. I observe my frineds relationships and most of them who have a lot of drama with women date women who need rescuing. These are women who have a string of bad relationships and are used and abused by men over and over again. This might not be PC to say but most of these women are addicted to this. They do not know how to handle a healthy relationship so they end up breaking these men's hearts who treat these women better than any man before has treated them. They either go back to the jerks or they end up dumping all the anger that has built up on to these guys.

 

If a man wants a happy relationship that lasts a woman who has her stuff together on all levels is a must.

 

I've found this to be true with women who were especially let down by a man at an early age in life.

 

A woman who experiences 'life' early on survives by becoming fiercely independent and in some cases overly aggressive, especially from a more rough and tumble environment. They have problems being partners, understanding what love is etc.

Edited July 11, 2010 by You'reasian

[lino]

I've been a rescuer (or safety net as I like to call it) more than once. Never again!

 

If I ever meet a girl who tells me that she's been in numerous relationships with bad guys then I won't pursue her anymore.

One or two bad decisions is ok but if it's constant then don't look to me as your safety net for your poor choices.

[sumdude]

I've been through it. The first time I kissed my ex wife we had spent all night walking and talking. Well she did most of the talking, a lot about her ex who used to physically abuse her. I saw the place she was living and the way she was living. I swear I heard a voice in my head say "Someone needs to help her."

She had a messed up childhood, possibly sexual abuse as a young teen.

 

Fast forward 7 1/2 years. We're married.. she's lying and cheating and suddenly leaves without warning for another man. Who I'm sure got an earful about how awful I was.. She's a compulsive liar. Looking back I have no idea what to believe about all stories I heard about the ex before me.

 

Yeah, I actually did rescue her. She left me in far better shape than she met me. I paid a price... lesson learned.

[Engadget]

I've been through it. The first time I kissed my ex wife we had spent all night walking and talking. Well she did most of the talking, a lot about her ex who used to physically abuse her. I saw the place she was living and the way she was living. I swear I heard a voice in my head say "Someone needs to help her."

She had a messed up childhood, possibly sexual abuse as a young teen.

 

Fast forward 7 1/2 years. We're married.. she's lying and cheating and suddenly leaves without warning for another man. Who I'm sure got an earful about how awful I was.. She's a compulsive liar. Looking back I have no idea what to believe about all stories I heard about the ex before me.

 

Yeah, I actually did rescue her. She left me in far better shape than she met me. I paid a price... lesson learned.

 

Scarily similar to what I went through. I felt pity on her a lot and stayed with her when she lied and cheated and even abused me. She had no family, her mom died, her father died and her step-father abandoned her.

 

So I move in with her, if I hadn't she has no where to go. Then everything goes belly-up for me, and after years of helping her pay bills, bail her out of a DUI arrest, on and on...she cheats and abandons me like I meant nothing for six plus years.

 

Awesome.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Not only men are rescuers.

 

I have been in what i'd call a co-dependent relationship where my ex and I both switched between being the rescued and being the rescuer.

 

My last ex initially came across as very together, but ended up being a 'little boy' type looking for a mother - he wanted me to teach him things, look after him, do things for him, he was very childlike. I noticed the pattern and broke up with him.

 

Anyone can be a rescuer.