a.friend Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Here's the story. Please give me your opinion. Met this lady a few months ago. We dated for like five months. Everything was great for 95% of the time. Then, all of a sudden, she starts to change. Very cold to me. No more hugs. No more kisses. When I asked her, quite a few times, what's wrong, she says I just have a lot on my mind now, and I do not know if I can be there for you right now. That's fine, cause I do not need much. I said, should I leave then? Do you want me out of your life? She said, she doesn't know. Not sure how to take that. Though, I continued on. Next week, we woke up and had some coffee. She then tells me, what do you think of our future? I said, like see where it takes us and work from there. I said, what about you? She said, I am not looking for any type of long term commitment from you. Not looking to get married. Not looking to share finances. Not looking to move in. The only thing I have on my mind is my child. And I do not want change anything until school has been completed (this is several years away). I said oh. She said, is that all you have to say? I said, I do not know what to say. I feel shocked and speechless. Let me think about it and get back to you. She's like great. A few things that she is dealing with: 1) Still getting over her divorce with her ex-husband 2) Having severe financial issues 3) Has a few medical problems. Has UC, auto-immune deficiency, heck of a lot of stress. 4) Changed meds to help combat her flare-ups. 5) In her 30's already been through two divorces. First one raped her and she has a order of protection against him. Second one they just stopped communicating and he went into his own world. Now, I wanted to work through everything, cause I really still liked her and her strive to not be beat down by the cards she was dealt with in life. However, we were at a wedding, and she was as cold and distant as ever. Wouldn't kiss me, wouldn't hold my hand, heck, when we were dancing she moved away from me. I dropped her off at her condo. Asked if I wanted to come up. Said no, need to take care of a few things. She said okay, left the car. No good bye kiss. She then texts me a few minutes later and said you seem upset with me. If you want to talk about it, I am here. Said, we should sit down and talk in person. Today's Saturday, I'll stop by Monday. She said fine. Ten minutes later, she texted again, she rather not wait and talk now. Said again, its better to talk about this in person. She persisted and we did the whole thing via text. Said I know you are going through a lot now, and maybe it is best if I give you your space. At this point, you do not seem to be acting like the same girl I was dating just a couple of months ago. She said, yea, its been a tough few weeks. Said, yes, I understand, but for the last few weeks you've been extremely cold to me and I feel like I do not know you. I said, when you are ready and can handle a relationship, please let me know. She said can we still speak, I enjoy our conversations. Said sure. Also said I will miss you. She said the same. This was two weeks ago, have not heard anything from her, and I feel bad about everything. I guess I did it for the both of us. One, not to put any additional stress on her. Two, not to feel like dirt around her. She really is a wonderful sweet person. I just, couldn't consistently take the unemotional cold responses I received from her. Should I feel guilty about breaking up with her? I mean, when someone tells you basically there is no future between us, is cold and unemotional and tells you I am not sure if I want you in my life. What should I do? Sit there and take the emotional punches? Believe it or not, I am human too.
Serenitynow Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 WOW two people that actually communicated with each other ! More people on here should take note of that. See how it worked out ? No second guessing, no 20 posts on a forum about what he/she is thinking. I think its great that you both set everything straight. I think you did the right thing. It sounded like she was not in the right mood for a relationship at this point. Dont feel bad, not your fault. .
potrzebie Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 You sound like an amazing guy to want to be there for her amidst all her troubles; you also made the right choice. Either way, it seems like it was a stressful situation for both of you and rather than let it fester to a point where you ended up hurting each other more, you took the situation and clarified it. I sure hope you're able to enjoy some peace of mind and move on...good luck!
vestigalvirgin Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 It sounds like she has a pretty serious intimacy problem. That may be a function of the baggage from her prior relationships or all the other stuff she is going through. Some people just can't accept the possibility that they are worthy of being loved by an available partner who is willing to commit (although that's what women are always saying they're looking for). No you should not feel guilty in any way. You laid your cards on the table and she is simply not at a place where she has an emotional ability to accept your offer of love in a healthy, mature, reciprocal way. Move on and date others but don't burn any bridges with this one if you don't have to (i.e. until you get serious/exclusive with someone else).
Author a.friend Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I know she was going through a lot, so I tried to hold on for as long as possible. But it seems like when I was there, she acted like hey your here, great. Hey your not here, great. Also, would had rather explained it to her in person, than via cellphone instant message. Although, many of our conversations in the past, when we were not together were via cellphone instant message. Couldn't do it after I dropped her off, as her child was home. I did not want to tell or discuss in front or near the child. In respect for her and her child. Interesting to note, she asked if we can still talk, I said sure, anytime. If there is anything I can do, just let me know. Yet, again, have not heard a thing.
lso802 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 You're doing fine. Better to turn it off now, then let it boil over.
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