wrencn Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I am at my wits end! I don't understand how someone can do terrible things and then think they did nothing wrong. Yesterday I had court. I was charged with assault. Back in April I found out my husband was having an EA with his coworker and he came home and told me he wanted a divorce because of this girl. We end up in his truck and he wouldn't answer any of my questions and finally grows tired of me and tells me to get out of the truck. I wouldn't so he reaches over to push me out and I hit him in the mouth. Well yesterday in court I'm telling the judge all this- and I am found not guilty. Later he writes me an email (that I just read this morning) stating that he is angry I lied and said he had an affair with this woman. He told our 10 year old son that he really liked this woman and hoped she liked him too when he had me put out of our house with a protective order. He has behaved like a monster these last 12 weeks yet he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He has neglected our children and lied to them, and made empty promises. I haven't said anything but I just couldn't take it anymore and wrote him an email calling him on his behavior. Of course he just threw it back on me and said he doesn't have to justify anything and he's just wasting his breath. When he went off about 5 weeks ago and told me all the terrible things about me, I didn't say one word back. I just listened. I am so furious right now. How can people think that they can do no wrong, how can they justify what they do? How can they find fault in everyone else but think they are perfect? He says he is moving out soon, but he always says things like this when he is upset but never follows through. I hope he does, I can't stand to look at him anymore. He told me last summer he thought he was a creep and I didn't understand at the time- but I agree with him now! Thanks for letting me vent!
imagine Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Wayward spouses become totally alien during an affair. The affair IS their drug. Drug addicts care only for their next fix.
Author wrencn Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 But according to him its not an affair. The thing is, I think the girl has given him the boot- I exposed it! She wrote me on facebook a few weeks back saying they were just friends and she didn't see him like that and never would. Not that I believe her, but who knows. He is so desperate these days- it is so hurtful to watch this man I had so much respect for behave like a spoiled teenager. He's hurting our kids and that makes me hurt so much for them. I was doing so well and now I feel I'm right back at square one!
spriggig Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 She wrote me on facebook a few weeks back saying they were just friends and she didn't see him like that and never would. Is this what he meant when he said he was a creep?
Author wrencn Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Is this what he meant when he said he was a creep? I doubt it, my husband comes across as Mr. Perfect when he wants to, but I told the girl plenty of stuff about him. He was lying to the both of us the entire time. I guess what he meant by the creep comment is that he feels he has sexual thoughts/ideas that are twisted. I'm not certain though. He used it as an excuse to not open up to me emotionally. After 11 years I honestly don't feel I know who my husband is. He's a stranger to me.
imagine Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 An EA is an emotional affair. No sex, but she will become his favorite girl. His emotional state allows him to quite easily kick you out. Lets say that he does not get his emotional needs met by you or vice versa, you both need to talk about it. You can check his EN's on a chart at marriage builders.com. Let us know how you score.
Author wrencn Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Thanks imagine, but it is over between us. And yes you are right, she is his #1 girl now. He has placed her on a pedestal the way he did me in the beginning. And I wasn't meeting his emotional needs. I realized this and wanted to make a change but he doesn't want my affection anymore and that is fine because our marriage has been a disaster. I just can't deal with he treating me like this is all my fault. I refuse to take all the blame in this!
What_Next Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 wrencn I think I may have asked this before, so I apologize, but what is the end game here? You mentioned he said he was moving out and he has said he would do that before. Is this likely? Are you moving forward with a seperation or divorce? I would suggest you both come up with an arrangement fast. It must be VERY stressful and as you have mentioned you children are caught in the middle. Good luck with things.
Author wrencn Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 What_Next- is it likely, I honestly don't know. My husband is the type of person who has these grand ideas. He's going to ride a motorcycle, he's going to play the guitar, he's going to have a chocolate lab and run with him every morning, he's going to do this, he's going to do that. My husband is very unhappy with his life. However he is terrible with follow through! Terrible. He has a motorcyle that is broken and sitting in our carport, which pisses him off to no end. He got another dog, without asking me yet hasn't had the dog neutered or given him one shot, he has a guitar but he never practices. Now he's going to divorce me because I'm sure he feels I am the source of all his mystery! He has said he would love to have full custody of the children, because his father had custody of him and his sisters, however my husband is not a good father. He provides financial stability but that is all. I throw the football with our oldest, I am the sole emotional support for our kids. I told him we were going to sit down tonight and draft a separation agreement. 5 weeks ago when he said he wanted a divorce he said we needed to do a separation agreement and I said I was fine with that but he never did. But I upset him today by calling him on his actions so he is fired up and ready to move out. Unfortunately that is not financially smart because we are barely afloat now. I have no clue how he is going to pay rent for two places but I'd rather he struggle than continue to live like we do now. My only problem with this situation is that he is mad at me for telling the truth in court yesterday. That he has no problem doing what he did but it pains him to hear it or for me to tell other people. I am so tired of being vilified!!!!! I need him to man up and accept what he did to me! I have already apologized and admitted what I did wrong- why can't he do the same? Who the hell is this man that is masquerading as my husband! I'm just so upset right now- I think I will go hit the heavy bag in the basement before he gets home so I don't lose it!
What_Next Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 wrencn, you have every right to be angry and in fact you should embrace the anger, but try and direct it into a positive avenue. Go find that heavy bag if you have BTW.. I'll be blunt and say, given that you know your marriage is over, why does it matter that he doesn't want to admit what he did an apologize for it? What does it matter what he does? Make up your mind and plough forward with the seperation, don't allow him to put up roadblocks, do this for yourself and the kids. Chin up.
Author wrencn Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 What Next it's like Trippi said. "I'll own what I did but I refuse to own what it is his." I'm tired of being the villain!
Author wrencn Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier. Well we talked a lot last night, more than we have in over a month. I said a lot of hurtful things because I had been holding them inside- he lashed out as well. BUT We were intimate and he held me when I opened up about my pain from all the trauma I suffered as a child and a young woman. I asked if I could drive up to Ohio at the end of the month to come with him on his business trip and he said yes and was really happy about that. He was going to move out, but he isn't now. This doesn't mean we are working it out, I don't believe that for one second, but it'll be nice to not have deal with all of this for a while, I need a break. Maybe a week alone without the kids will help us rekindle something if there is anything left. All I can say is life NEVER turns out the way you expect. I truly believed in my heart my husband and I would never kiss each other again, let alone have sex. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that the EA is pretty much over and he is in the friend zone with this girl. He admitted he wasn't thinking clearly and let his confusing cause him to say and do hurtful things to me. He also said he knows this other girl is not perfect and that if he was married to her should would get on his nerves like any wife would lol. That was good to hear. Guess he's seeing the grass isn't greener after all. I'm sure things are going to go downhill- haha but it was nice to have some fun finally.
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