Daddy issues in Male Adulterers?

[Spark1111]

Okay, read another article, the premise of which most male serial cheaters (philanderers) and many one time male cheaters had a father who found fault with everything they did.

 

It emasculates them at impressionable ages.

 

They grow up never feeling anything they do is good enough.

 

One way a man can feel more masculine is through his biology (sex).

 

Soooooo, many partners make him feel more manly.

 

See, daddy was wrong.

 

In someone who cheats once, it can translate to an inexhaustible need for external validation; more money, more attention, more flattery, more status, in an effort to convince themselves and daddy, they are good enough.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

My fWS had a really difficult relationship with daddy, who grew ill and then died during the course of his affair.

 

It's given me some further food for thought to mull over....

[crazycatlady]

My H doesn't have daddy issues, but man does he have mommy issues that resemble that.

[sally4sara]

Hmm, maybe.

 

But with my ex-husband, he and his dad had a very close relationship where he could do no wrong in his father's eyes and his dad could do not wrong in his eyes.

 

His dad was a serial cheater (only learned by me many years into the relationship) in his own marriage and divorced my ex's mom after 30 years for a woman who disappeared on him the moment the ink was dry on the divorce papers.

[ladydesigner]

Wow my dad was this exact way always making me feel not good enough and throughout my entire life I have looked to men (friends, boyfriends, husband) for validation. I know this. It sucks and I need to work on it because when my H is not paying attention to me... well that daddy issue creeps in again.

 

Especially when my H had his first infidelity I obviously did not feel good enough, XOM and I worked together he filled that attention void and boom I was in the midst of an EA turned PA.

 

My H has the opposite his mother made him feel this way. His dad may have as well, but his father was the more nurturing parent.

 

Great thread Spark!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Definate daddy issues for my fWS as well. His dad left the the family while his mom was pregnant for twins..and got another woman pregnant...twice! Then came back to the family again...not sure how this woman did it...but wow. Then thinking of all the stuff my fWS saw his own mother go through..you'd think they'd get a clue huh? Sheesh!

[JAGeezer]

I don't buy parental issues as an excuse for anything. The household that I grew up in was about as toxic and dysfunctional as it gets, short of actually killing someone. Therefore I have license to be a jerk? I don't think so. Adults should own their decisions and not put them off on daddy and mommy.

 

JAG

[OFGnomore]

Okay, read another article, the premise of which most male serial cheaters (philanderers) and many one time male cheaters had a father who found fault with everything they did.

 

It emasculates them at impressionable ages.

 

They grow up never feeling anything they do is good enough.

 

One way a man can feel more masculine is through his biology (sex).

 

Soooooo, many partners make him feel more manly.

 

See, daddy was wrong.

 

In someone who cheats once, it can translate to an inexhaustible need for external validation; more money, more attention, more flattery, more status, in an effort to convince themselves and daddy, they are good enough.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

My fWS had a really difficult relationship with daddy, who grew ill and then died during the course of his affair.

 

It's given me some further food for thought to mull over....

 

Yes, Spark there is something to this.

 

Want to talk about weird coincidences? XMM's dad was a professor in the area of my husbands profession, xMM wanted to know all about my H's job and H has a graduate degree from a prestigiuos school in the area xMMs father taught. Told me he disappointed his father by his choice of profession, law, versus the area my H went into. xMM said his father has no respect for the profession and wouldn't help him pay for his lawschool. It was like my H was the son xMM's father wished he had. Xmm was also envious that my H was in the military as well and that his mother prevented him from enlisting.

 

What a better way to get back at your father than ***ing his wife. huh? Like, you hurt me? I really hurt you!!!

 

And the very weird thing is, unknowing to my H all of xMMs daddy issues, when xMM was outed for trolling my webpage and came up with some ridiculous reasons for doing so, H called him out on it and said he'd expect as much from someone who makes his living by lying. Which set xMM off and he went verbally ballistic. Ouch, at 49, xMM got smacked down by daddy again.

 

And while I think it's great to have an understanding of your or a partners issues, it certainly helps in repeating mistakes. I think its important to ask, can I stay with someone with so many issues especially if there is no growth in that person?

Edited July 10, 2010 by OFGnomore

[Spark1111]

My H doesn't have daddy issues, but man does he have mommy issues that resemble that.

 

Then you better be careful you're not cast in the role of "mean mommy." It's called projection and we tend to assign our partner with the qualities of the parent we had the least successful relationship, whether deservedly so or not.

 

Know what I mean?

[Spark1111]

Sometimes they have daddy issues, sometimes mommy issues.

 

Do you know anyone who has NO issues with their upbringing?

 

I tried to psychoanalyze my cheating FEMALE fiance.

 

Sure, she has mommy and daddy issues.

 

But, so did I....and didn't cheat.

 

I agree. No one had a more dysfunctional childhood than i did. And yet, somewhere in there, either I was born a stronger biological organism, or I was given more validation than others.

 

Yes. Because the marriage had been miserable pre-affair and I didn't cheat.

 

I just love myself more?

 

And that comes from somewhere.

[Spark1111]

Wow my dad was this exact way always making me feel not good enough and throughout my entire life I have looked to men (friends, boyfriends, husband) for validation. I know this. It sucks and I need to work on it because when my H is not paying attention to me... well that daddy issue creeps in again.

 

Especially when my H had his first infidelity I obviously did not feel good enough, XOM and I worked together he filled that attention void and boom I was in the midst of an EA turned PA.

 

My H has the opposite his mother made him feel this way. His dad may have as well, but his father was the more nurturing parent.

 

Great thread Spark!

 

If you are aware of it, you are halfway there to working on being less vulnerable!

 

Be proud of yourself that you are even aware of this. And be careful, because you may be easily swayed by the attention from men, any men, and less able to be objective about the characters of those men.

 

Protect yourself (the capacity to be hurt) from yourself (your vulnerabilities.)

 

And Daddy be damned because you are a sweet lady!

[threebyfate]

The ex-H didn't have mommy or daddy issues beyond being overly spoiled and being naturally good at most things. His issues were NPD in nature, which could be identified as the "Tiger Woods" syndrome.

[Spark1111]

Definate daddy issues for my fWS as well. His dad left the the family while his mom was pregnant for twins..and got another woman pregnant...twice! Then came back to the family again...not sure how this woman did it...but wow. Then thinking of all the stuff my fWS saw his own mother go through..you'd think they'd get a clue huh? Sheesh!

 

If Daddy did not emasculate your husband while growing up, but did have affairs, well the lesson learned is daddy is a man's role model.

 

You learn how to parent and be a partner based on your parental role-model. It's not what you say, it is how you act that children watch for guidance.

 

First or second question in MC: Did any of your parent's have an affair?

 

That's huge. Even if you knew it was wrong when it was happening to you as a child. It's a huge indicator of having the propensity to cheat on your spouse, unfortunately.

[Spark1111]

Yes, Spark there is something to this.

 

Want to talk about weird coincidences? XMM's dad was a professor in the area of my husbands profession, xMM wanted to know all about my H's job and H has a graduate degree from a prestigiuos school in the area xMMs father taught. Told me he disappointed his father by his choice of profession, law, versus the area my H went into. xMM said his father has no respect for the profession and wouldn't help him pay for his lawschool. It was like my H was the son xMM's father wished he had. Xmm was also envious that my H was in the military as well and that his mother prevented him from enlisting.

 

What a better way to get back at your father than ***ing his wife. huh? Like, you hurt me? I really hurt you!!!

 

And the very weird thing is, unknowing to my H all of xMMs daddy issues, when xMM was outed for trolling my webpage and came up with some ridiculous reasons for doing so, H called him out on it and said he'd expect as much from someone who makes his living by lying. Which set xMM off and he went verbally ballistic. Ouch, at 49, xMM got smacked down by daddy again.

 

And while I think it's great to have an understanding of your or a partners issues, it certainly helps in repeating mistakes. I think its important to ask, can I stay with someone with so many issues especially if there is no growth in that person?

 

OFG....we could share a bottle of wine on your post. In some affairs their is an element of competition and revenge. Mommy? Daddy? The xspouse?

 

The dynamic is sooo buried in the subconcious as to be....mind-blowing when examined.

 

Did your affair partner have feelings for you? Definitely. But were they based on you? Or some buried need to have empowerment over daddy?

 

Your husband sounds a lot like his daddy. "Winning" you over to his affections was a revenge fantasy and an empowering; he might not have even realized this was fueling his desire for you.

 

My fWS's OW was acrimoniously divorced from her xH who married his OW. The law suits between them continue to this day. She also had an terrible relationship with daddy, who left them, but didn't move too far.

 

Her story: she met a ghetto rat with drug problems, transformed him, supported him through law school and when he reached a level of success, found a new woman.

 

She met my depressed husband, got ready to transform him, and engaged in the very activities that devastated her. That's revenge, pure and simple. She also lied in that, there was a promise? a hope? her xH would know of how well she would be when she landed (as she hoped) my H.

 

That's also revenge.

 

Smackdown? When I finally spoke to her, 2 years later after she broke NC, i said to her: "Woman to woman, I only have one question for you. How could you do to me exactly what had been done to you, something that still causes you untold pain? That is the ONE THING I could never wrap my head and heart around."

 

Guess what happened? She went totally ballistic.

[Spark1111]

The ex-H didn't have mommy or daddy issues beyond being overly spoiled and being naturally good at most things. His issues were NPD in nature, which could be identified as the "Tiger Woods" syndrome.

 

So sad. But once again, TBF, they say true narcissism, while presenting as an arrogant self-entitlement, is actually an internal void of self-worthlessness.

 

Selfish? Spoiled? Self-entitled? That's a whole other barrel of fish. Narcissistic tendencies? Definitely.

[threebyfate]

So sad. But once again, TBF, they say true narcissism, while presenting as an arrogant self-entitlement, is actually an internal void of self-worthlessness.

 

Selfish? Spoiled? Self-entitled? That's a whole other barrel of fish. Narcissistic tendencies? Definitely.

In the ex's situation, I can't understand the low self-esteem component. Makes me wonder if he's a bit of a sociopath, always being fueled externally, never having to be fueled internally. Who knows, I'm no shrink just an ex-primary narcissistic supply!

[Spark1111]

In the ex's situation, I can't understand the low self-esteem component. Makes me wonder if he's a bit of a sociopath, always being fueled externally, never having to be fueled internally. Who knows, I'm no shrink just an ex-primary narcissistic supply!

 

And that alone can be a very, very, exhausting job!

 

Glad you are free of it.

[carhill]

One-time cheater (since OM and MM was with same person)-

 

Father was always loving and supportive; firm with discipline and challenged to excel. Father and mother were married for 32 years. His first wife took his daughters and abandoned him while he was overseas during WW2. He died with his wife (my mom) at his side. He was no Mel Gibson, rather a normal, quietly successful gentleman. Never uttered a profanity until he was close to death.

 

No genetic/socialization correlation in my anecdote, IMO. I cheated because I chose to. A dishonor to my father's memory.

[OFGnomore]

OFG....we could share a bottle of wine on your post. In some affairs their is an element of competition and revenge. Mommy? Daddy? The xspouse?

 

The dynamic is sooo buried in the subconcious as to be....mind-blowing when examined.

 

Did your affair partner have feelings for you? Definitely. But were they based on you? Or some buried need to have empowerment over daddy?

 

Your husband sounds a lot like his daddy. "Winning" you over to his affections was a revenge fantasy and an empowering; he might not have even realized this was fueling his desire for you.

 

My fWS's OW was acrimoniously divorced from her xH who married his OW. The law suits between them continue to this day. She also had an terrible relationship with daddy, who left them, but didn't move too far.

 

Her story: she met a ghetto rat with drug problems, transformed him, supported him through law school and when he reached a level of success, found a new woman.

 

 

Random theory, although not all lawyers are slimeballs many are. And I think trial lawyers are bottom feeders, seriously. Wow, your Hs FOW was married to lawyer who dumped her for something better? Surprise, surprise.

 

Anyway, I have no idea what xMMs true feelings were for me regardless of his daddy issues. Maybe I was the love of his life or a fine piece of a** or somewhere in between. Who knows, and at this stage in the aftermath, I really don't even care enough to consider it. Although H seems to think xMM was "in love" after reading the emails he sent me. And in his whiny ballistic fit, he told my H he knows he was nothing special to me and I probably had other affairs. I mean, how stupid to say these things especially cc'ing your wife.

 

Anyway...I really don't think about how important I was to the guy at all. I think more about my own issues and the whys as they relate to me. It still amazes (in a disturbing way) me how I was involved in the situation. Its a source of shame I'll carry around for life.

[Snowflower]

Anyway...I really don't think about how important I was to the guy at all. I think more about my own issues and the whys as they relate to me. It still amazes (in a disturbing way) me how I was involved in the situation. Its a source of shame I'll carry around for life.

 

It sounds like you're well on the road to self-awareness, OFG. Take what you have learned about yourself, your H and about relationships in general and put it to good use. At least that is what I try to do!