ashleigh422 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I’ve been seeing this guy and recently we decided not to see other people and that we are together… I really like him. He has be been treated very poorly by women so he likes for me to show him my affection all the time… which I don’t mind because I love to do that and trust me, if you saw him, you wouldn’t mind either.. lol.. BUT.. it is almost to the point that I feel that he just isn’t into me because I’m always the one giving him attention… is there a polite way to say treat people how you want to be treated.. you want me to be sweet and nurturing.. then do the same to me? OR am I just sort of SOL and he is just selfish. That is how it feels. I know he is afraid to open up any more and get hurt but if he doesn’t give me positive attention I don’t think I can go on..
Arbitrariness Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'd say pull back, give him the cold shoulder, and give him the chance to sack up. Is he really that needy (wanting to see you too much)? or is he just showing a lack of emotions?
bayouboi Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'd say pull back, give him the cold shoulder, and give him the chance to sack up. Is he really that needy (wanting to see you too much)? or is he just showing a lack of emotions? ^I'm guessing that this poster is a female. Pulling back & giving him the cold shoulder would be a cowardly and passive-aggressive way of dealing with this. If your needs aren't being met, you need to be open and direct with him about what you need. You can be positive while bringing up this lack of content. Do NOT take the silent route because most men aren't mind readers and he won't have a clue why you're acting the way you are and it will only reinforce his suspicions of the behavior females have exhibited towards him in his past.
Arbitrariness Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 ^I'm guessing that this poster is a female. Pulling back & giving him the cold shoulder would be a cowardly and passive-aggressive way of dealing with this. If your needs aren't being met, you need to be open and direct with him about what you need. You can be positive while bringing up this lack of content. Do NOT take the silent route because most men aren't mind readers and he won't have a clue why you're acting the way you are and it will only reinforce his suspicions of the behavior females have exhibited towards him in his past. I am not sure whether to be offended or not as I am a male. My advice centre's around the fact that she considers him selfish for not giving her enough affection and also the assumption that they have slept together. In which case if she does not make it easy for him, he will have to man up and give her the affection that she desires. Nothing is cowardly about being a challenge and demanding self respect.
bayouboi Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I am not sure whether to be offended or not as I am a male. My advice centre's around the fact that she considers him selfish for not giving her enough affection and also the assumption that they have slept together. In which case if she does not make it easy for him, he will have to man up and give her the affection that she desires. Nothing is cowardly about being a challenge and demanding self respect. I don't see which part of this tactic would "demand self respect". Without good open communication, it seems to me like a recipe for disaster and game playing if she starts using such passive-aggressive tactics.
make me believe Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Don't play games by pulling away. That's immature and will likely just cause him to pull away too. Be upfront and tell him exactly what you wrote in your original post -- that you love giving him affection & being sweet to him, but that you need the same thing in return. He was clear about his needs for attention & affection, so you need to be clear about yours too!
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Yep, don't play games. He was honest and open with you when he stated his needs so you need to do the same with him. If he's already insecure, he's not going to handle giving him the cold shoulder very well.
that girl Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I am not sure whether to be offended or not as I am a male. My advice centre's around the fact that she considers him selfish for not giving her enough affection and also the assumption that they have slept together. In which case if she does not make it easy for him, he will have to man up and give her the affection that she desires. Nothing is cowardly about being a challenge and demanding self respect. This isn't demanding respect, this is trying to manipulate someone into chasing you. To the OP, the next time he brings up how he wants you to be affectionate or how he is insecure, just say you seem to be the only affectionate one. Say it with a smile and have a couple of examples ready of what he should be doing.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 and have a couple of examples ready of what he should be doing. I love your advice...except [see bold] nooooo. No. COULD! Some examples of what he could be doing, to give you the things you need. Should implies he is incapable of doing it on his own, which even if true, is condescending in nature Not the tone you want in opening up communication. Could > Should
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Just be straightforward with him. It amazes me how complicated people make things. Girls, you have it easy; the best thing you can possibly do is just come out and say what you want. Guys have to decipher Rosetta's stone every time there is something wrong. Take advantage of it. None of this pulling away, giving the cold shoulder, dropping hidden messages and playing mind games BULLSH*T. That is horrible advice. Just say: "You know, a girl can't survive on assumed appreciation alone. You have to show me too, just like I show you." Bam. Done. Your problems are solved. And if he still doesn't change? THEN dump him.
Serenitynow Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'd say pull back, give him the cold shoulder, and give him the chance to sack up. Yea, lets play games with the situation, always a brilliant choice ! .
Arbitrariness Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 C'mon the guy is taking what he wants and not reciprocating, he is already playing games with her. Does such a person deserve honesty? Surely if he is worthy, he will prove his worth? Man i guess people on these forums aren't so much into playing games .....
Gero Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 C'mon the guy is taking what he wants and not reciprocating, he is already playing games with her. Does such a person deserve honesty? Surely if he is worthy, he will prove his worth? Man i guess people on these forums aren't so much into playing games ..... He spoke up and asked for what he wanted and got it. Why can't she do the same. People don't have to play games all of the time you know. There is such a thing as honesty and communication. I know it's almost extinct these days but it does still exist.
Arbitrariness Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 He spoke up and asked for what he wanted and got it. Why can't she do the same. People don't have to play games all of the time you know. There is such a thing as honesty and communication. I know it's almost extinct these days but it does still exist. I didn't see in the OP that he spoke up at all, only that he expected the admiration. If he did actually verbalise what he wanted and the OP failed to do the same, then what you have suggested would be an appropriate course of action. I agree honesty and communication is important, in a relationship. When dating though everyone plays games at some level.
Gero Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I didn't see in the OP that he spoke up at all, only that he expected the admiration. If he did actually verbalise what he wanted and the OP failed to do the same, then what you have suggested would be an appropriate course of action. I agree honesty and communication is important, in a relationship. When dating though everyone plays games at some level. "He has be been treated very poorly by women so he likes for me to show him my affection all the time" He obviously had to say something to her for her to get this idea. I don't play games in dating. Maybe that's why I don't do well with dating I guess.
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