youxi Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I am new here and I really need some suggestions. I have no one to turn to since my dad, the only person I can talk to died a year ago. So here is my story. I am 31, married for 8 years now, a mother of 2 boys ages 7 and 5. My husband Jake is 8 years older than I am. He is quite a difficult person to be with. I experienced verbal and physical abuse during the first 4 years of our marriage. It was really hell. We were living in his parents house and since he is a mama's boy, he can get away with whatever. The abuse stopped when I decided to stand up for myself and leave him. I took my two boys and went back to my parents house. My parent's house was a 2hour ride from their house. We didn't really end it all since he constantly visits and sometimes sleeps in my parent's house but what devastated me was I found out that he was cheating on me. When I gathered all the evidences, I confronted him and told him that I wanted a divorce. He begged that he would change and not going to do it again. Cheating is a total deal breaker for me. I can face any adversities, sacrifice, and forgive any mistake but not cheating. I made him leave the house, but he begged my dad to help him make it right. For the sake of my children, I gave him another chance.... That was three years ago . Present time, his job assigned him to work in another island which was an hour and half sea travel and an hour ride from where we live. He comes home with us 2 nights and 2 days a week. I can say that somehow we have moved on from the affair, but everything changed when I caught him sex chatting with one of his FB friends. I was really devastated. He said he was sorry and to give me peace of mind he told me to just deactivate his FB account. I did that, but somehow it doesn't make everything right. It made me feel that I made all the wrong decisions of forgiving him... or marrying him in the first place. To make matters worst, that weekend after I caught him sex chatting, I saw a condom in his back pocket! I don't know if he's doing this deliberately because he knows that I snoop around. Is he deliberately hurting me? He said that one of his officemates advice him to do that. He said that he did that because I refuse to have sex with him, which I totally disagree because I don't totally refuse him, I just re-schedule it, the next day or said no to the 2nd round. I don't know, but it takes effort on my side to get into the mood. Sexually speaking, I am not really satisfied cause he has a small penis (and I make it known to him when we have a huge fight!). Does a penis shrinks when a man ages, because when we were younger, I can't remember complaining. Now, my marriage is going into a breakdown. I cannot trust him. And I am seriously thinking of having an affair. Every time I call we end up arguing, or me confronting him about his philandering. I don't like what have become of myself. I feel that he is dragging me down and he feels that I am dragging him down, too. We had a huge argument over the phone last Wednesday, that he refused to answer any of my calls. I think I called him more than 300x that day, last night he called on the land line to talk to the kids but when I grabbed the phone and confronted him, he put the phone down . This drives me crazy. I strongly feels that he is cheating on me. I can't stop thinking that he's with another woman, while I work my donkey out here, juggling work and kids. So, I texted him that I went out partying with his friends and showed them the picture of how small his penis is (this never happened, of course). All these drama are taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do. Should I just get a divorce? He is going home 2 days from now, and I don't know what or where to begin or react. I don't know what to say to him. I just feel like punching him on the face (I am martial art black belter, I got my belt last 5 months ago). I feel so unappreciated, I never cheated on him. I am so tired of being angry. Last night, I cried furiously, I really miss my dad. I feel so alone.
AVR1962 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Your story sounds VERY much like my own. I'm 47, married top first husband who cheated for 7 years. Married to second husband now 18 years who has had many emotional affairs and problems with porn addiction. What I can say that I hope will help is that it is very possible that something within you is seeking men who do not treat you well and are not available to you. I know you do not want to tear up your family and your feelings that your children deserve their father in their lives is good. At the same time your husband is trying to live a somewhat single existance inside the marriage. This probably is not to hurt you but rather something that is driving him, something that is within him whether a weakness (lack of control), addiction, improper moral structure, who knows. Your lack of trust is absolutely normal and understandable....what you have seen and found would lead to these feelings. As far as sex with your husband, personally speaking from my own experiences I would say that what you are not getting is the physical intamacy that is nonsexual and therefore feels like you have no real relationship with your husband, and the lack of trust has kept you reasonably guarded. So then with all this in play, the sex part of it does nothing for you. My suggestion is that you have to take some steps for yourself. Read about the doormat personality and you might find yourself. I have just ordered a book to hopefully help me undertsnad why I continue to engage in relationships with men who are emtional unavailable. There's lots of info on the Internet about it. And at the same time your husband's IMs, condom carrying, cheating actions have a source (reason) too and that needs to be explored......do not tkase the blame or blame yourself. HE is the one who is doing this and until you find that root that allows for this behavior there is no way to correct it. HE has to be willing, you cannot make him see. My ex was raised in a family who attended church, that's where I met him, he knew right and wrong behavior and he knew that cheating was damaging but he had such a burning desire for the chance and a love for that "new" love. He coudl not get enough sex, sometimes we'd be having sex 10 times in one day and so when you hear people say that a man cheats because he's not getting what he wants at home realize that YOU cannot stop an addict, you cannot change him and no matter what you give it may not be right or enough because if there is something within him that is creating his actions, it is not about you. I hope I did not confuse you. What you can do, if he will listen, is ask him to get help to find the root of his actions. At the same time, look hard at yourself and realize you deserve to be loved, wanted and only you can show people how to treat you. Find your strengths and I know you are trying but don't back down to keep peace. Stay strong with your boundaries of right and wrong. Your husband's lack of proper boundaries as a married man are not only causing you pain but they have hurt the marriage.
Author youxi Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Thank you very much for your reply. Not blaming myself is quite hard to do because when I confront my husband about all this issues, he fires it back to me, that I'm this and I'm that... i think its getting in my head. Thank you for straightening it out with me. Yes, you are right that I should find my strength. Sometimes, I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing being by brave and standing up to him. I used to be very meek, submissive and doting, but after all the abuses I became a fighter ( a huge adjustment for him) and after my dad died, I became very discriminating of the people I want to be with. I only want to be with people who are sincere and honest. In other words, I don't want to take crap from other people anymore. That's why it really hurts me to be going through all this. You know what's more confusing, although he is not much of a husband, but he is a good father to our sons. It feels selfish to only think of my own misery with him. That's why I am in a limbo with all these drama.
Daniel89 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Punching the face you might get charged with assault, go for the divorce!
Author youxi Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Seriously considering it, daniel! Thanks.
SarahRose Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Fro what you have said I can't think of any reason to stay with him, can you?
Rabican Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I am new here and I really need some suggestions. I have no one to turn to since my dad, the only person I can talk to died a year ago. So here is my story. I am 31, married for 8 years now, a mother of 2 boys ages 7 and 5. My husband Jake is 8 years older than I am. He is quite a difficult person to be with. I experienced verbal and physical abuse during the first 4 years of our marriage. It was really hell. We were living in his parents house and since he is a mama's boy, he can get away with whatever. The abuse stopped when I decided to stand up for myself and leave him. I took my two boys and went back to my parents house. My parent's house was a 2hour ride from their house. We didn't really end it all since he constantly visits and sometimes sleeps in my parent's house but what devastated me was I found out that he was cheating on me. When I gathered all the evidences, I confronted him and told him that I wanted a divorce. He begged that he would change and not going to do it again. Cheating is a total deal breaker for me. I can face any adversities, sacrifice, and forgive any mistake but not cheating. I made him leave the house, but he begged my dad to help him make it right. For the sake of my children, I gave him another chance.... That was three years ago . Present time, his job assigned him to work in another island which was an hour and half sea travel and an hour ride from where we live. He comes home with us 2 nights and 2 days a week. I can say that somehow we have moved on from the affair, but everything changed when I caught him sex chatting with one of his FB friends. I was really devastated. He said he was sorry and to give me peace of mind he told me to just deactivate his FB account. I did that, but somehow it doesn't make everything right. It made me feel that I made all the wrong decisions of forgiving him... or marrying him in the first place. To make matters worst, that weekend after I caught him sex chatting, I saw a condom in his back pocket! I don't know if he's doing this deliberately because he knows that I snoop around. Is he deliberately hurting me? He said that one of his officemates advice him to do that. He said that he did that because I refuse to have sex with him, which I totally disagree because I don't totally refuse him, I just re-schedule it, the next day or said no to the 2nd round. I don't know, but it takes effort on my side to get into the mood. Sexually speaking, I am not really satisfied cause he has a small penis (and I make it known to him when we have a huge fight!). Does a penis shrinks when a man ages, because when we were younger, I can't remember complaining. Now, my marriage is going into a breakdown. I cannot trust him. And I am seriously thinking of having an affair. Every time I call we end up arguing, or me confronting him about his philandering. I don't like what have become of myself. I feel that he is dragging me down and he feels that I am dragging him down, too. We had a huge argument over the phone last Wednesday, that he refused to answer any of my calls. I think I called him more than 300x that day, last night he called on the land line to talk to the kids but when I grabbed the phone and confronted him, he put the phone down . This drives me crazy. I strongly feels that he is cheating on me. I can't stop thinking that he's with another woman, while I work my donkey out here, juggling work and kids. So, I texted him that I went out partying with his friends and showed them the picture of how small his penis is (this never happened, of course). All these drama are taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do. Should I just get a divorce? He is going home 2 days from now, and I don't know what or where to begin or react. I don't know what to say to him. I just feel like punching him on the face (I am martial art black belter, I got my belt last 5 months ago). I feel so unappreciated, I never cheated on him. I am so tired of being angry. Last night, I cried furiously, I really miss my dad. I feel so alone. I hope this isnt too harsh, and I dont know where your from so there could be cultural issues I am not aware of but you need to move on. The first four years were hell. The fifth year he cheated on you. Recently you can stand him and he is never home. When he is home all you do is fight. Was the marriage ever any good? How are your finances? Can you make it financially make it without him? If the answer is yes, then end it. If the answer is no, then you need to get financially independent then leave him.
AVR1962 Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Just a quick bit concerning divorce as I see many are suggesting it.....it happens all the time now and it's seemed almost accepted that a person jump out but what they cannot see is what a divorce might do.....sure, it might give you a chance to rebuild yourself but it doesn't mean that a new relationship will be any better (we all tend to drag our pasts with us inot a new relationship), too many times a parent will end up dealing with parental alienation from the ex which is very hard to deal with and not good for the children. The fights don't stop just because you are legally not married. Divorce is sometimes as sticky and as miserable as the marriage itself. I'm not saying stay in fear that any of this 'could' happen because it might not but really think if divorce is the answer. Counseling and trying to work thru the issues together is definately worth trying first.
giotto Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 but it doesn't mean that a new relationship will be any better sorry, but any relationship will be better than this... divorce the loser!
Author youxi Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 (edited) I hope this isnt too harsh, and I dont know where your from so there could be cultural issues I am not aware of but you need to move on. The first four years were hell. The fifth year he cheated on you. Recently you can stand him and he is never home. When he is home all you do is fight. Was the marriage ever any good? How are your finances? Can you make it financially make it without him? If the answer is yes, then end it. If the answer is no, then you need to get financially independent then leave him. There were great parts in the marriage, but the bad part just covers it all up... Now that you have said it, I think I was just making myself believe that things are going to be perfect. We have talked about separating and he said he is going to financially support the kids. Part of me is still hopeful that he is going to change, but I guess it's not going to happened. Edited July 11, 2010 by youxi
Author youxi Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Just a quick bit concerning divorce as I see many are suggesting it.....it happens all the time now and it's seemed almost accepted that a person jump out but what they cannot see is what a divorce might do.....sure, it might give you a chance to rebuild yourself but it doesn't mean that a new relationship will be any better (we all tend to drag our pasts with us inot a new relationship), too many times a parent will end up dealing with parental alienation from the ex which is very hard to deal with and not good for the children. The fights don't stop just because you are legally not married. Divorce is sometimes as sticky and as miserable as the marriage itself. I'm not saying stay in fear that any of this 'could' happen because it might not but really think if divorce is the answer. Counseling and trying to work thru the issues together is definately worth trying first. I wish I can talk him into counseling, because i really want to save my marriage, but if he's not open to the idea, I think I don't have a choice. I can't go on being angry and being paranoid all the time. I can't see myself trusting him. The huge dilemma, however, are my kids. They love their dad. Although I asked my 7 year old son last night of what will he think if mom and dad decides to separate, he said he feels okay about that, as long as he brings home the puppy he promised... Is there any divorced couple here? can you guys give me an idea of what happened to the kids? My children are doing well in school, they're the top of their class, and I think I'm going to die of guilt if they lose interest in things they love to do.
SarahRose Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I wish I can talk him into counseling, because i really want to save my marriage, but if he's not open to the idea, I think I don't have a choice. I can't go on being angry and being paranoid all the time. I can't see myself trusting him. The huge dilemma, however, are my kids. They love their dad. Although I asked my 7 year old son last night of what will he think if mom and dad decides to separate, he said he feels okay about that, as long as he brings home the puppy he promised... Is there any divorced couple here? can you guys give me an idea of what happened to the kids? My children are doing well in school, they're the top of their class, and I think I'm going to die of guilt if they lose interest in things they love to do. Come on who asks a 7 year old questions like that? Keep your adult situations to yourself meaning don't have adult conversations with children. If you think your kids don't know or sense what is going on they do.
Author youxi Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 (edited) Come on who asks a 7 year old questions like that? Keep your adult situations to yourself meaning don't have adult conversations with children. If you think your kids don't know or sense what is going on they do. Well apparently, I did. I really feel guilty now that I am about to leave their father... he doesn't only sense but he knows that me and and his dad are not in good terms, one time he said after hearing me and his dad fight, that why did I have to make his daddy my husband, because now I am trapped in his life... I was left speechless after hearing that from him. Edited July 11, 2010 by youxi
spriggig Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Well apparently, I did. I really feel guilty now that I am about to leave their father... he doesn't only sense but he knows that me and and his dad are not in good terms, one time he said after hearing me and his dad fight, that why did I have to make his daddy my husband, because now I am trapped in his life... I was left speechless after hearing that from him. Toss the guilt aside and be proud that you are sticking up for yourself and your kid. This guy is no good--he's not going to change until you leave him and probably not even then. Be strong.
desertmoon Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Why would you tell your husband he has a small penis? Do you think he doesn't know that? Or did you just want to cut him down? Why did you marry him in the first place? Did you not know he has a small penis? Does it make you feel good when you tell him he has a small penis? What does that do to you? What do you think that does to your husband? Anyway, I think you should just divorce your husband. He is a cheat and does not satisfy you sexually, anyway.
Author youxi Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Why would you tell your husband he has a small penis? Do you think he doesn't know that? Or did you just want to cut him down? Why did you marry him in the first place? Did you not know he has a small penis? Does it make you feel good when you tell him he has a small penis? What does that do to you? What do you think that does to your husband? Anyway, I think you should just divorce your husband. He is a cheat and does not satisfy you sexually, anyway. Do penis shrink as the man gets older? coz his penis wasn't an issue before. Why did I marry him, because i thought he was a good and decent man, until I married him and started hitting me. Does it make me feel good saying he has a small penis? YES! because its the truth. Honestly speaking? i don't care what he feels or thinks anymore. I just want to get even. I have been a good wife to him, next to God, he was the second person I want to please, but he took it for granted... but I am changed woman now. I want the respect that I deserve. Looking outside the box, I was stupid to put up with him, the first 4 years of our marriage was hell, then he cheated on me, presently, I caught him sex chatting with his fb friend and found a condom in his back pocket? You know what? screw him! I am tired of faking my orgasm. I ALready had a divorce lawywer appointment tomorrow. I am tired of getting angry, it's time to get everything.
Author youxi Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Do not cheat. Just leave. You aren't invested anymore and this isn't a real marriage. It is an unhealthy relationship with so much disrespect, anger, manipulation and verbal abuse. NOT Good. agree, agree, agree! I am tired of being angry and playing games. I don't like the person that I have become. I'm just praying that its not too late for me to find a fulfilling relationship. I don't want this kind of life, this is too complicated for me, but i believe this is the time when divorce comes in handy. I just want a simple life... they say, from chaos comes peace, if this is what it takes to achieve simple living, then so be it.
desertmoon Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Do penis shrink as the man gets older? coz his penis wasn't an issue before. Why did I marry him, because i thought he was a good and decent man, until I married him and started hitting me. Does it make me feel good saying he has a small penis? YES! because its the truth. Honestly speaking? i don't care what he feels or thinks anymore. I just want to get even. I have been a good wife to him, next to God, he was the second person I want to please, but he took it for granted... but I am changed woman now. I want the respect that I deserve. Looking outside the box, I was stupid to put up with him, the first 4 years of our marriage was hell, then he cheated on me, presently, I caught him sex chatting with his fb friend and found a condom in his back pocket? You know what? screw him! I am tired of faking my orgasm. I ALready had a divorce lawywer appointment tomorrow. I am tired of getting angry, it's time to get everything. There you go! Divorce it is! Good luck~
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