sentridoh Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I've been together with my girlfriend for 5 years, we're both in our mid-30's, and living about 12 hours apart for the last 9 months because I took a new job. This LDR concept is rather new and difficult for me, and the adjustment has been rocky. I've been making new friends, and finding that delicate balance with new female friends. I'd like to be able to have a social network of friends (including women) in my new place without stirring up drama. Recently, I met a woman that I found quite attractive, but I also felt comfortable initiating a friendship with her. It had that excitement of making a new friend, but I also felt confident at the time that this wouldn't interfere with my LDR. For one, she lives across the pond, and we only kept in contact via email after meeting during her brief visit to the US. It wasn't until after several interesting but rather innocuous emails that I revealed my LDR. That was about 10 days ago, and I have gotten no email replies since that disclosure. After more reflection, I started feeling bad about how I handled things, and I confessed this to my girlfriend, who became understandably upset with me, but we reconciled with the agreement that I would be more honest with myself and more up front with others about our LDR. We also recognized this as a warning sign for our relationship, and things have actually gone significantly better between us since we talked about this. I still, however, have this urge to write the other woman and apologize for inadvertently deceiving her about my LDR. Even though we only had limited communication, I felt a real connection with her that wasn't just physical attraction. That is, I saw her more as a friend than anything else. Given that I am committed to my girlfriend, would it be a mistake to open up communications again with this other woman? Should I just let this sleeping dog lie? Is there some reasonable compromise option??
pandagirl Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 It sounds like you were kind of lonely and tried to fill that void with this woman. Though nothing happened, the fact that you never told your girlfriend about her says that you knew you were doing something slightly wrong. Of course you feel guilty about leading on the woman, because you knew that's what you were doing! Put your girlfriend first and leave the other woman alone.
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 You need some NO CONTACT with that other woman. No explanations, no follow up emails, nothing! You feel bad? Go for a 12 hour drive and spend time with you LDR GF. GL/HF
stace79 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Yes, let sleeping dogs lie. One person said in another message that you should WATER your relationship and STARVE others. Meaning that you should do everything reasonably within your power to build trust and love in your relationship, while avoiding anything that might intensify relationships/friendship with members of the opposite sex. You don't owe this woman ANY explanation at all. The fact that you want to explain it to her makes me think you want to keep that door open. Either cease communicating with the other woman, or consider that maybe you don't really want to be in your LDR.
hoping2heal Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I've been together with my girlfriend for 5 years, we're both in our mid-30's, and living about 12 hours apart for the last 9 months because I took a new job. This LDR concept is rather new and difficult for me, and the adjustment has been rocky. I've been making new friends, and finding that delicate balance with new female friends. I'd like to be able to have a social network of friends (including women) in my new place without stirring up drama. Recently, I met a woman that I found quite attractive, but I also felt comfortable initiating a friendship with her. It had that excitement of making a new friend, but I also felt confident at the time that this wouldn't interfere with my LDR. For one, she lives across the pond, and we only kept in contact via email after meeting during her brief visit to the US. It wasn't until after several interesting but rather innocuous emails that I revealed my LDR. That was about 10 days ago, and I have gotten no email replies since that disclosure. After more reflection, I started feeling bad about how I handled things, and I confessed this to my girlfriend, who became understandably upset with me, but we reconciled with the agreement that I would be more honest with myself and more up front with others about our LDR. We also recognized this as a warning sign for our relationship, and things have actually gone significantly better between us since we talked about this. I still, however, have this urge to write the other woman and apologize for inadvertently deceiving her about my LDR. Even though we only had limited communication, I felt a real connection with her that wasn't just physical attraction. That is, I saw her more as a friend than anything else. Given that I am committed to my girlfriend, would it be a mistake to open up communications again with this other woman? Should I just let this sleeping dog lie? Is there some reasonable compromise option?? First of all, please wake up Moses! Denial is not just a river in Egypt! A) you do not hardly see this woman as just a friend. You feel a real connection alright, you are drawn to her and you want a relationship with her. You didn't disclose your LDR earlier on for this very reason. There is something missing in the relationship you are currently in and you are not comitted to it. Being comitted to a r/s is not about what you SAY. Saying the word is the only "Way" you are committed to your relationship. How your gf is not putting any of this obvious stuff together is beyond me. So, now here you are hoping someone here will find a loophole to justify your feeling for the other woman, you want something to tell you it's fine that you look her up and try to start a "friendship" with her. Well, it's not fine. If you are going to choose to be in a relationship with your current gf there's nothing fine, okay, right, or justified about building a relationship with another woman whom you are attracted to and feel chemistry with. Now, no one is holding the gun to your head and forcing you to be in your current RS. If it isn't right for you and you aren't being satisfied in it (which is apparent) then that is up to you, like an adult to handle closing the end of one relationship before trying to open the door on another.
Author sentridoh Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Thanks for the feedback, everyone. After reading these and thinking more, I've decided to leave my mistake behind and focus on fostering my LDR. I guess I've learned about some boundaries not to cross, how to acknowledge dangerous situations, to be more honest with myself and others, and to respond better to the warning signs.
carvidep Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Thanks for the feedback, everyone. After reading these and thinking more, I've decided to leave my mistake behind and focus on fostering my LDR. I guess I've learned about some boundaries not to cross, how to acknowledge dangerous situations, to be more honest with myself and others, and to respond better to the warning signs. good choice also, I love stace79's analogy saying "water your relationship and starve others". it sounds intense, but there's nothing wrong with it. in fact, there's everything right with it, it's exactly what you need to do if you really want your LDR, and even local relationship to work.
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