passoutwishes Posted February 5, 2004 Posted February 5, 2004 We met, he's married, we talked, we emailed, he told me he didn't love his wife, didn't know if he ever did. We talked more, hooked up, he's leaving his wife, I'm happy, we spend more and more time together, wife finds out, now he's faced with it…he feels bad, the burden, the amount of pain caused, he hasn't made up his mind, but I know I'm toast Yes, I'm a horrible person for this…that I know. I'm hurting bad. I don’t want to let go, how can something that feels so good, so right, be so wrong.
SoleMate Posted February 5, 2004 Posted February 5, 2004 "How can something that feels so good, so right, be so wrong." I think you would have to spend some serious time listening to music in C&W bars to really get an answer to that question. If you've already figure out that you're toast, count yourself lucky. Some OW spend years or decades reaching that enlightenment. BTW, quit beating yourself up, 'cause your punishment is already built into the situation! Kind of like a kid who plays in traffic even after mommy said not to. When they get hit by a car, they don't ALSO need a spanking. The car might need its tires slashed though. ADVISORY NOTICE: The above statement should not be construed as advice to perform any property damage or other illegal acts. All responsibility for any unfortunate outcomes is hereby disclaimed. Your mileage may vary if you are so busy reading porn while driving that you can't maintain a steady speed in your vehicle as advised by the owner's manual or appropriate authorities.
Author passoutwishes Posted February 5, 2004 Author Posted February 5, 2004 lol, at the tires slashed. There are two sides of me with this whole situation... I have side, that is just waiting it out, in spite, stubborn, making him say the words that it's over...forget making it easy for him. The second, I just want to walk away, and never look back. I know the second option is the best...but I guess there's a part of me that's just clinging.
SuperSleuth Posted February 5, 2004 Posted February 5, 2004 Ouch. This isn't going to be easy for you to hear.... But are you absolutely *sure* the reason you're waiting for him to say this to you isn't because you're still holding out false hope he might change his mind? If you're having trouble letting him go, this sounds like it might be the case. I can see how it would be really easy to convince some tiny part in the back of your mind that he might just pick you. The fact is, he is probably just too screwed up to pick anyone right now. My bet would be that he will either choose the wife (because she is "comfortable") or no one. At least right now. In a few months (if he chooses not to get back with the wife), it may be another story. In any case, you really are better off with someone else. Don't sell yourself short waiting for a loser who cheated on his wife. Even if he chooses you tomorrow, you'll still be with a guy who has no compunction about lying to two women he supposedly loves at the same time, and probably has low self-esteem to boot. SuperSleuth.
jester Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 I'm hurting bad. I don’t want to let go Holding on to this disintegrating relationship all but guarantees you'll continue to hurt. It's like embracing a cactus. Letting go, on the other hand, will help you feel better about your life, your future and your self. You won't be playing second fiddle to wifey while hubby takes forever playing Hamlet: "To cheat, or not to cheat, that is the question." Bad Shakespeare. Looking into my "affair" crystal ball, this is what I see: Hubby, after much hemming and hawing, elects to stay with wifey. No surprise, there. Hubby , of course, tries to have his cake and eat it too. He attempts to re-ignite the affair. No surprise there, either. And then you... Sorry, my crystal ball gets cloudy at that point. Unless you want to be some married guy's back-up babe for the foreseeable future, you must free yourself and leave this dead end relationship. You deserve to dine on so much more than the the crumbs this guy is serving.
passesoutwishes Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 Thank you all. Well last night he did it. He couldn't even really tell me, I pretty much asked if that's what he was doing. I'm shattered, hurt, angry, lonely, sad...I didn't want it to end obviously. He told me he needs to try with his wife, that he's never tried to fix the marriage. He led me to believe we had a real shot at this...and I had many many times told him to let me go. He wouldn't.
doniker Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 Originally posted by passoutwishes I don’t want to let go, how can something that feels so good, so right, be so wrong. I am in a marriage in which I was never "in love". I believe someday I could meet the right person, fall in love, and leave my wife. But what if it never happens? I should leave my wife anyways and just live a life of loneliness? You have got to do what makes you feel right.
passesoutwishes Posted February 7, 2004 Posted February 7, 2004 But aren't you lonely in your marriage? Everyday, don't you feel like there's something missing in your life? I was married, fell out of love with my husband, and decided it wasn't fair to either one of us to stay this way. We both deserved a chance at happiness. It was possibly the hardest decision I've ever made, and I was more concerned with how he would feel, what my family with think. It took me over a year to gather to courage to tell him, and in the meantime, I was destroying myself. He is now happily in love, living with someone else.
Skittles Posted February 8, 2004 Posted February 8, 2004 He told me he needs to try with his wife, that he's never tried to fix the marriage. Passesout, you are healthier than your former lover. You left an unhappy marriage because you want to find a fulfilling relationship...and you will. Your ex mm is still waffling and never addressed his issues, just skirted around them with your help.. You deserve so much more...He isn't close to being as centered as you are...let him go back to his co-dependent mess of a marriage...most are! If he decides he loves you and wants to leave, have him show you his walking papers..(action is the key word) I wish you true love..the real thing, next time around.
eastside Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 Passesout, It is actually good for you that she finds out and is creating trouble. At this time, you should play the good girl, understanding and supportive, no push, no yelling, let the wife tell him what a bad person he is, let she take freedom and self-esteem away from him. Guess what, if you can be cool enough to play indifferent and nice, he will pick you. It will not happen overnight, be patient, trust him (show him), no push, wait....if you do these, you will have good news in 2-3 months.
kkat Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 It could happen as EastSide outlines - but that's not how it went down for me over here on the West Side and unfortunately not for most of the other posters on this board or for most people I know who have been in similar situations. But, yes, it does and can happen. I don't mean to sound negative - the one thing I haven't become (yet) is bitter...I'm just saying maybe don't have too much hope or expectation...
Author passoutwishes Posted February 9, 2004 Author Posted February 9, 2004 Thank you all for replying it truly helps hearing from others. Well, we spent the past 3 days talking constantly trying to figure out stuff. He needs to do this stuff alone. He doesn't want his wife, but he is concerned about his children, which is absolutely understandable. He tells me he doesn't want to speak of hope, or to ask me to wait for him, it's not fair. He's put me through enough already. I have no doubt this man loves me with all his heart, but as another poster said earlier, IS love enough. I believe it to be yes, however, I'm probably a romantic. With a broken heart, and a wise head I guess, I'm going to let him do whatever he needs, and if he comes back, then I guess I'll have my answer. Until then, I'm not going to beat myself up...and I need to move on. I hope you guys don't mind I hang around here a little...feels comfy.
meanon Posted February 9, 2004 Posted February 9, 2004 You stay as long as you like A lot of people have found the site while undergoing some sort of crisis and then stuck around. You're not alone.
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