Girl I'm dating tells me that she doesn't kiss until in an exclusive relationship

[fishtaco]

I like this girl a whole lot. I feel like I can be myself around her and not worry. I am a shy guy and I often try to hide that from girls. She noticed it when we first met, she even asked me at the end of the first get together, are you nervous because you seem nervous. That didn't seem to bother her like it would other girls. My main problem is because I am so into her I find myself getting or stressing about the little things that go wrong. I need to guard against letting that happen.

 

So you want to be with her not because she's awesome, but because of your self-perceived weakness? Not a good way to go.

 

Did you know that if a girl likes you, she won't care that you're nervous? She's not unique.

 

But, you're still young. It's better to make mistakes now than later.

 

Good luck bro. Keep your eyes peeled. If poo-poo hits the fan, learn from this experience and bail.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Well, odds are high she's not a slut.

 

Yes, why isn't she getting kuddo's from men for not being "loose."

 

Just because she's selective, it doesn't mean she's frigid. The situation needs more time to develop before she can be labeled.

 

I find it refreshing and I think any man interested in a relationship should also. So are you interested in a relationship or quick scoring?

[fishtaco]

Yes, why isn't she getting kuddo's from men for not being "loose."

 

Just because she's selective, it doesn't mean she's frigid. The situation needs more time to develop before she can be labeled.

 

I find it refreshing and I think any man interested in a relationship should also. So are you interested in a relationship or quick scoring?

 

They're talking about a kiss. Not sex.

[txsilkysmoothe]

They're talking about a kiss. Not sex.

 

There have been numerous references to the likelihood that he won't be getting any sex from her for a long time.

[fishtaco]

There have been numerous references to the likelihood that he won't be getting any sex from her for a long time.

 

Because eventually, romantic relationship should lead to sex, I think you would agree with that. It's not about scoring now, which is what you were referring to.

 

Not having sex until exclusive relationship. That's fine. Not having sex even after exclusive relationship, many people, even some women, would NOT be okay with that. They're projecting the future.

 

As for the current situation, not willing to kiss after multiple dates AND cuddling together is not normal. Hence the projection of lack of sex even after the relationship becomes serious. To me, and seems like many other people that responded, they would not be fine with that arrangement. I think that's a valid concern.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Because eventually, romantic relationship should lead to sex, I think you would agree with that. It's not about scoring now, which is what you were referring to.

 

Not having sex until exclusive relationship. That's fine. Not having sex even after exclusive relationship, many people, even some women, would NOT be okay with that. They're projecting the future.

 

As for the current situation, not willing to kiss after multiple dates AND cuddling together is not normal. Hence the projection of lack of sex even after the relationship becomes serious. To me, and seems like many other people that responded, they would not be fine with that arrangement. I think that's a valid concern.

 

You pounced on my post for referring to sex rather than the kissing. It was other posters who made a correlation between her unwillingness to kiss and her sexual pace. That is what I was referring to. If sex isn't at issue yet, why worry about it unless one is looking for a quick score.

[carhill]

OP, have you met any of her friends? That should be telling.

 

If you're having a good time, and dating should be fun, *and* you don't feel any of your boundaries of intimacy (what you want) are being compromised, continue.

 

Is 'her couch' (the one you were cuddling on) at her parents house? If yes, what's your read on them? If no, does she live alone? If no, have you met her roommate(s)?

 

All for now

[fishtaco]

You pounced on my post for referring to sex rather than the kissing. It was other posters who made a correlation between her unwillingness to kiss and her sexual pace. That is what I was referring to. If sex isn't at issue yet, why worry about it unless one is looking for a quick score.

 

I apologize if you felt you were pounced on. It wasn't my intention. I thought maybe you only read the last few posts (which is common, I do it too) and didn't realize it's actually about a kiss.

 

But to answer your latest post, when you get into a serious relationship you want to make sure you made the right choice. Personally, when a relationship is serious, I treat it seriously. Going into it blind is asking for trouble.

 

Sex is a part of a successful relationship. Even if you're not looking for a quick score, you still have to consider sexual compatibility once the relationship reaches that stage.

 

My preference is not to spend all this time getting to know AND possibly attached to a person, only to find out months later the sex is just not compatible, and having to break it off. Breakups are harsh.

 

Again, I think it's a valid concern. But the OP doesn't seem to care. I hope for his sake, he REALLY doesn't care, as opposed to because he lacks experience, or lacks self esteem.

[stuck with eharmony]

Carhill, I have not met any of her friends. And to be honest for the time that we have talked she hasn't mentioned much about hanging out with them. There's been no girls night out, or anything of that sort. Her weekends seem to be going home and spending time with her family. I've met her mother who she lives with. Her mother seemed nice and interested to know who I was.

 

I myself have had just one serious relationship that last three years, which ended a few months ago. There was plenty of physical interaction before we were exclusive and we had sex a good amount. So obviously my views are different than hers. But I find this current right now very attractive and wonderful that I would be willing to put my physical wants aside for her.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, friends and family say a lot about who a person is at the elemental level, hence my questions. Such relationships and the dynamics within them that you observe will tell you a lot about her. A great example is how she and her mother share affection. Are they physically affectionate or distant? Say ILY to each other or not? Get on well or do you hear little snipes about 'mom'? None of this is right nor wrong, merely one aspect of compatibility. For dating to progress to a relationship, attraction and 'a good time' needs to be accompanied by compatibility. You've identified one area of potential conflict, that regarding affection and sexual styles. This presumes she's being honest about her preferences.

 

Would you say your interest in her life, care about how she's doing (the 'stuff' of daily life) and curiosity about getting to know her better (I presume you feel all these things and act accordingly) are being reciprocated? Stop for a minute and think about that. Take away your desire to kiss her and look at it pragmatically. You seem to like who you are when you're with her. How much of that is you (your attraction) and how much is her (her behavior)?

 

Anyway, some stuff to ponder. My original advice still stands. Continue, have fun, and be aware. Good luck

[that girl]

OP- Since you're comfortable waiting until marriage (at least in theory), I would just talk to her. Tell her your not seeing anyone else and you could see this being long term and serious. Ask her where she stands. She should be able to give you an idea about making out.

 

Reading this thread reminds me of a couple I know. She had decided the wait for marriage, he had previously had sex and wasn't religious. He never told and of his friends he wasn't getting laid because he didn't want to deal with the judgment. They've been happily married several years now.

 

The OP thinks the girl is worth having a romantic, no sex relationship. That's his choice, he shouldn't be shamed for it.

[stuck with eharmony]

Thank you everybody for the advice. I tell her tonight about how I feel about her and I could see it going long term and serious; and I will hope for the best. Thanks again!

[lordWilhelm]

Sounds to me like you're fine with the boundaries she's setting, and if you think she's worth it then you should go with it. Good luck!

[jstalltxga]

when you date someone, you should be able to express what you want. It is sort of an issue of what you both are looking for and boundries/values. etc. I once dated a girl who would never kiss me, but was happy for me to pick up the tab and such. it's possible she just wanted to be friends, but it frustrated the hell out of me and after she stood me up I kinda decided she wasn't worth the trouble.

I dunno, don't make someone else's intimacy issue your own issue. it's their problem, not yours. and if it's not that, you may just simply not want the same things. thats not a crime, but it can leave you frustrated.

[stuck with eharmony]

I am going to update this thread. I called her over the weekend and told her I wasn't dating anybody else and could see this going long term. As a result we are dating exclusively but not in a relationship.

 

I haven't seen her in two weeks and I haven't talked to her that much lately, she's been busy with a full time job and a summer course. But I do get insecure from time to time that she's lost interest. Anyway my question is I want to call her over and invite her over to cook her a nice dinner. I've asked her out to dinner before but she said she doesn't go out to many places because the food makes her sick and the few places she does go to she can't go with me because somebody would call her dad and tell him he's on a date and that would be trouble for me. I figure the best bet is invite her over to my place for dinner. However from what I've seen on here some girls interpet that as an invitation for something physical, which is not my intent at all. I just want to make her a nice dinner nothing else. Sound like a good idea to ya'll?

[Cracker Jack]

Dang! She has people keeping an eye out for her like that?

 

On the real, I personally think it's a good idea. Most here believe it's implying there has to be some sort of sex involved, and I just don't agree with that. If you feel as though it's a good idea, don't hesitate to ask her. However, if she's a bit hesitant in her reply once you ask her, then she'll likely have the same mindset (The mindset of believing you're looking for a physical encounter with her) as a few here, which wouldn't be good.

Edited July 14, 2010 by Cracker Jack

[carhill]

To me, it's progression. If she's mutually *interested* and *feels positive*, now that you've expressed your intentions, she'll gladly accept an invitation to a *date*, not in your home, and she'll gladly enjoy your expressions of affection on that date. If other, *dump her*. Anything else is just a mind f*ck, IMO. Good luck

[threebyfate]

Whole lotta' work, stuck. She's commonly known as high, high maintenance.

[make me believe]

Wow. I really think you need to take a careful look at what you're getting into. She's 20 years old but worried that "people" will see her out with you and go tell her dad?? And then what? Daddy shows up at your place with his shotgun because you took his daughter out to dinner? Im guessing she & her family are very religious. Have you discussed religion with this girl? Don't you see it being a problem in the long run, assuming that your religious beliefs dont line up with her? (Which I assume they don't since you aren't saving sex till marriage, etc) If all of these hangups are not due to religion, it still seems like you have some major fundamental differences that could cause problems in a long term relationship.

 

Also -- what the heck does "dating exclusively but not in a relationship" mean? And who decided that? I bet it was her. Are you truly ok with it or are you just letting her call all of the shots?

 

I think this girl is going to turn out to be WAY more trouble than she's worth. Saving sex until you're exclusive is one thing, but not even kissing?? You better be prepared to deal with a ton of sexual hangups & issues. That is, if you even get to the point where you can actually say that you two are in a relationship. (Sorry - I really don't get the dating exclusively but not in a relationship thing. It just sounds juvenile and pointless.)

[Phateless]

Whole lotta' work, stuck. She's commonly known as psycho.

 

Fixed.

[stuck with eharmony]

I called and asked her and she told me that she was really was busy this weekend because she had a test. which I do in part believe because she is very family oriented and doesn't lie. But I'm starting to get some super iffy feelings. I'll ask her out to something different next week. If I get a similar response next weekend then thats it, I'm done with her. Sigh, I really liked this girl a whole lot

[Phateless]

I called and asked her and she told me that she was really was busy this weekend because she had a test. which I do in part believe because she is very family oriented and doesn't lie. But I'm starting to get some super iffy feelings. I'll ask her out to something different next week. If I get a similar response next weekend then thats it, I'm done with her. Sigh, I really liked this girl a whole lot

 

Why waste another week with this one?

 

Look, test or no test, the fact that she can't spare a couple of hours of her time to get together with you is very telling.

 

My bet is that she already has a boyfriend and is trying to line you up as a possible replacement without TECHNICALLY "cheating."

 

Think about it... it all fits.

 

Are you facebook friends with her?

[fishtaco]

I called and asked her and she told me that she was really was busy this weekend because she had a test. which I do in part believe because she is very family oriented and doesn't lie. But I'm starting to get some super iffy feelings. I'll ask her out to something different next week. If I get a similar response next weekend then thats it, I'm done with her. Sigh, I really liked this girl a whole lot

 

Never get into exclusivity until EVERYTHING is lined up and ready to go. i.e. she passed all of your tests.

 

You just locked yourself in. Bad mistake. Also, there's no such thing as "exclusivity but not in a relationship". Exclusivity = serious relationship.

 

Normally I'd say chill, let her be, put the ball in her court and go date other women. If she's going to come around, she will, if not, she won't. But you can't do that because you've effectively chopped off that avenue.

 

Anyway, good luck. This has a high possibility of turning messy.

[Mary3]

ditch this broad

 

I wonder how the sex is going to be...?

[stuck with eharmony]

On her facebook status she is listed is single. She also deleted her online dating profile this weekend, which is how we technically met. We had chatted briefly a year or two ago at school, were are both engineers.

 

This is the sweetest girl who wouldn't tell a lie, she's too good natured. I actually believe her that she really is busy. I'm busy too, with a full time job, similar to hers. The only reason I'm free on the weekends is because I'm not taking a summer course or doing other school related things like she is. So if she really is busy, whats it going to hurt to ask? I've come along this far. If I don't ask I'll never know.