chocha_mocha Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Most of the time its good but then sometimes it’s not so good - like now. I've had problems with depression and anxiety for most of my life and it’s pretty bad right now. I've been feeling low for a few weeks and have increasingly become more anxious. I currently live my dad who has gone away on holiday for 4 weeks - lucky him ;)and in normal circumstances it would be great to be on my own; however because of the way I am feeling, I would rather have the distraction and some company. Anyway, my boyfriend came round the other night unexpected. It was good timing as I had been having a really bad day. So I talked about how I was feeling. I'd been having panic attacks that day and had to come home from the shops early. Haven't been able to buy myself any food recently because of bursting into tears in the middle of the supermarket each time I go:o. So he stayed for a while and I asked him if he could stay the following night (she couldn't stay that night because he was in work very early the next day). So he tells me he can't because he can't afford to keep driving to come and see me (which was a blatant lie). So I said well I could stay at his, but he just said no with no explanation what so ever. I knew he was being making excuses which just made me feel even worse. He went at that point, and I felt horrible for the rest of the night. In the morning I get a txt saying he had his jacket stolen at work and that he would stay at mine. I was so upset because it was as if he was feeling sorry for himself getting his jacket taken so THEN he wanted to see me. I phoned him later and then asked him about it all and at first he refused to talk to me about it, because he 'wasn't in the mood to be frustrated'. I made it clear he had upset me, mainly because I rarely ask for help from him and this time I have and he is blatantly lying as to why he doesn't want to spend time with me. He eventually told me it was because he didn't think it would be healthy of him to stay with me because I need to get used to being on my own and shouldn't rely on him as I can't expect him to stay all the time. Yeah, all the time, we only see each other at the weekends! What has has upset me the most is that he has now turned this all around on me saying that I’m not appreciating him because he is trying to act in my best interested, you know, by telling his depressed anxious girlfriend to basically sort herself out and not rely on him for help. Now I'm throwing back his help in his face so he's now going to put himself forward from now on and think about his own needs first. I'm just really upset about it all and I guess I need somewhere to vent my feelings. I feel humiliated because I was there crying my eyes out asking for help and he's made every excuse to turn me away. I just don't see how he was acting in my best interest and just think it’s insensitive. I'm not emotionally dependant on him at all, in fact, the night before we talked about how he finds it difficult sometimes because he doesn't know how to, but then I ask for help and get turned away. To be fair, he's got his own issues at the moment, but no matter how crap I was feeling, if he asked me to support him by staying with him a night or two, I don't think I would turn it down because it was 'unhealthy'. We only see each other once a week at the weekend as it is, so how can 2/3 in a week be unhealthy? Anyway, if you have made it to the end, I appreciate it:love:
Serenitynow Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Sounds like you need counseling or something if your panic attacks are that bad. You need to dumb your bf. He is not showing you any support, according to they way you described it. If he makes lame excuses the way you say he does, than it sounds like he just wants to be with you when its convenient for him. .
redmelon Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 If you feel a panic attack coming on, try breathing through a straw. There are lots of techniques to try for keeping your anxiety at bay. There are also tons of medications that can further help. As for your boyfriend, he sucks and you should dump him, pronto. He is not understanding or supportive and used money to make an excuse to not be there for you. Super lame. Shameful. He is probably only adding to your anxiety, so remove him from the equation and focus on yourself.
Author chocha_mocha Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 I take anti depressants and have had therapy in the past. I haven't had problems this bad for a long time. I live with my dad but purely for financial reasons, he doesn't support me with my anxiety and depression, you know, like thats why I am living at home. I've lived on my own previously without any problems and I'm actually the opposite to dependant on anyone, at least of all him. Anyone who knows me would describe me as independant, including my boyfriend so thats the confusing thing. Yes, I do need to take responsability for my mental health and generally do. I'm the sort of person who spends alot of time on my own, I don't tend to run to people for help when I'm feeling like this, so the time I do, I get turned away and thats the upsetting thing. I'm not expecting my boyfriend to fill my dads roll, because me and my dad don't have much of a relationship in that way, but I could see why you would think that sadintexas. I'm all for supportive interventions that don't always appear to be in the best interest in someone - I work in mental health myself, in an environment where we section people and yank them into hospital - not many of our patients think we are doing the best for the sometimes! Its like when my friend split up with her partner a few years ago and she couldn't stand to be in the house on her own, because it was where they used to live etc. rfriends (including me) stayed over every now and then to help her get used to being own her own. Do you not think it would be a bit insensitive if i said "well, your on your own now, and i think you need to just deal with it". I've just not be socalised that way.
stillafool Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I think you need to see a counselor about your depression and anxiety. Your bf isn't being supportive because he doesn't know how to handle your depression and it probably depresses him. I think you should seek professional help.
lso802 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 If you guys really do just spend time on weekends and you don't turn to him for help frequently, and this has been your only time, then I do think it's inconsiderate for him to not be there just this time. Let him know that he doesn't need to do anything but listen and be present. Although it's important to be independent, as a couple, you guys will need to be there for each through the tough times and not suddenly be too busy. Know that saying about people being on their best behavior, when they first start dating? I'm the opposite.
Author chocha_mocha Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 I guess thats why i'm so frustrated, because of the "I need to get used to being on my own" thing. I'm on my own most of the time anyway, so thats what's confusing for me also. I think he means being on my own in the house, like maybe i'm scared of the bogey man or something lol. which is just patronising really. He likes to spend slot of his time on his own and loves it when his mum goes away, so maybe he thinks I should be like him or something. I wouldn't consider ending the relationship because of this persay, its his defensive attitude that i can't stand. He's ignored me now for 3 days, after saying he's feeling like getting in his car and starting affresh. Not nice really. Just because I said I felt upset about his 'caring' decision.
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