ggnow Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Ok, so me and my ex dated for about a year and half and she was living with me towards the end of it. I broke up with her in October because she wasn't spending enough time with me. She had been hanging out with this one guy every now and then. The final straw was when she went out to dinner with him one on one. So she moves out and stays with her friend for a month or so, and then moves in with the guy that I was always worried about... Obviously that didn't feel great, but she was convincing me that she wasn't attracted to him and that they were purely good friends. So he leaves for a month and during that month she decides to spend a lot of time with me. I enjoyed it too, it was almost like we were in love with each other again. The sad part is I asked her if she was sleeping with him or involved with him and she said no. When he returned she stopped talking to me and went to Vegas with him and two other guys. I found out that she was sleeping with him so I was pretty hurt by that, even though we weren't dating at this point. I tell her I was only nice to her and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that and to never talk to me again. So I'm moving on and maybe a month and a half goes by since I told her to stay out of my life, and she sends me this extremely long letter. She says that she was so wrong and that we could have had a second chance and that i'm the perfect guy blah blah. She tells me she's away but really hopes that I can talk to her. So based on the letter, and being a forgiving person I decide to see what her intention is. It REALLY sounded like she was remorseful and wanted to get back together in the letter so I picked her up and we talked. She told me she's now dating that same guy that she lied about. It was a let down, so I said leave me alone. The next day she calls and is like please can we hang out, I promise I'll never talk to you again just one more day. So reluctantly I talk to her, and we did have a good time, but I'm not cool with her and her boyfriend and thinking about that. I don't deserve it for how nice I've been. So once again I say goodybe, have a nice life. A few days later she asks for help with a job application and once again I reluctantly tell her ok, only because I want you to succeed will I do this, but I really don't want you talking to me. So we talked a little more and the guy she is dating is moving very far away in about a month and a half, and she will no longer have a place to stay and possibly no job either. What is my best move in this situation, and what is she trying to do? I've talked to my friends and they tell me to stay away from her and that she's just realizing that he's going to be gone so she wants to use me again.... I kind of believe that but her note to me was so nice I just can't believe that she would send that out and then hang out with me and have me spend the night in her bed with her (nothing happened thankfully), all while she's dating someone else. She told me she couldn't kiss me because she's learned from her mistakes and wants to prove that to me or something... The whole situation isn't making me feel good, so I think maybe best to just drop it again. Please let me know your thoughts.
TwoForgiving Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Man, oh, man, are you being used by this b***h! Seriously, listen to your friends. It doesn't matter how sincere she sounded in her letter, she's only looking out for herself. She knows she has you wrapped around her finger because you run whenever she calls and she is using this weakness of yours to her advantage. Drop her and forget about her - end of story.
Author ggnow Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Yeah, I'm gonna try harder than I ever have before to not speak to her anymore for any reason. Thanks for the advice; I guess I was really hoping that she had changed and really does care about me, but she wouldn't be with this other guy if that was the case.
DustySaltus Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Mean what you say and say what you mean. If you told her not to speak with you again, you have to STICK by those words. She more than likely was doing something behind your back while you two were still together. After the breakup she tried to get emotional support from you and fulfill her physical needs with him. That's extremely selfish don't you think? I would fall off the face of the earth if I were you. It's not your problem that she has no job or a place to say. She has to be responsible for her own actions both inside and outside of your relationship. I understand you have a good heart and don't want to see her hurt, but it's not your responsibility any longer. Any further involvement with helping her will just produce expectations on your end that will lead to disappointment and frustration when she finds the next victim to latch on to.
Author ggnow Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Well, I meant it when I said it. The letter she wrote to me brought back some feelings though... it was well-thought out and well written. I wanted to talk to her to see where she was at, and that's when she told me she's dating him.... Yes, I completely agree that she is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. It sucks because when I see her or talk to her it brings back feelings, and I really really don't want that. I guess next time I'm just going to have to be a dick about it. Anyways, I've read some of your other posts Dusty, and I just wanted to say thanks for responding.
Author ggnow Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I forgot to mention that in a month and a half from now, her new boyfriend gets deported back to Europe and she will have to move home with mommy and daddy. What goes around comes around... It honestly makes me a little happy knowing that they're separating and neither of them have jobs or even prospects.
DustySaltus Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 (edited) It sucks because when I see her or talk to her it brings back feelings, and I really really don't want that. I guess next time I'm just going to have to be a dick about it. It's not about being a jerk. It's about being indifferent. Feelings show that she still has power over you. You may not be at that point now but through NC you will eventually get there. It's not burger king, she can't have things her way....it's YOUR life. Focus on yourself. I went through a horrible broken engagement a year ago but I just keep fighting through the ups and downs life throws at me. At the end of the day I know I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm a good dude, you should feel the same way. It's not about her, it's about you and your needs. Again, focus on what you want to accomplish in life and the right person will be there for you when you're ready for it. Edited July 9, 2010 by DustySaltus
Author ggnow Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Man, I'm sorry to hear that (about your engagement). At least it's better than having a bitter divorce. I was doing NC for about 2 months and then in June she sent me that letter. I read it a few times and honestly it really does have implications in it, and she knew that when she wrote it, she just didn't mean it (although I thought she may have meant it). So anyways, a lot of really good things have happened for me since our breakup. I got a huge promotion in my career, I'm moving into a nicer neighborhood, and I'm meeting more people. It just sucks that I decided to give her a chance, and talk to her about the letter because it set me back quite a bit. I can't believe I left this part out of the story, but there was another girl who actually was much prettier and a lot nicer than my ex, and obviously during that period where she was sleeping with me and the other guy (I found out later) I chose to pursue my ex instead of the other girl (who really cared about me). I feel so stupid for that, and I don't want that to happen ever again. It could've been a really good relationship. I feel like enough has happened to me that I should know what to do - just sometimes when I think about all the stuff that's happened and who she's with now it hurts. I'll just continue NC this time, like actually ignore anything and everything she says. Thanks again for your advice, it honestly helps to read about people who have been in similar situations, and can offer meaningful advice.
DustySaltus Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 We've all been there with other women we thought could work out. The truth is that you never know what's going to happen in the future. Read this when you have a chance: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218249/
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 My advice to you is run. Run and don't look back. Normally, I'm a sad sap and a romantic, but this girl reeks of trouble. Go NC and find a new girl.
Author ggnow Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Very interesting Dusty; some similarities in our stories. You've been through more than I have (and likewise are wiser), although I'm only 24. I know I'm going to be ok and that I have a good heart; it's just hard when I think about the past year and a half of my life, and how much things have changed. I really do hope I meet someone new and I know eventually I will, but it's not easy to find a good one.
lunita Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 If she really wanted to be with you she would have dumped the boyfriend completely. Not used you as back up. It's bad enough she screwed up in the beginning, and perhaps you could have forgiven that. But now? She really went about this in a stupid see-through to her selfishness kind of way. You know that already though, otherwise you wouldn't be asking if going NC is the way to deal with this. It's clear you care about her, but she could have had a chance and completely messed it up. You deserve better. You have a kind heart, don't let someone like her turn you into someone bitter.
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