Jambalaya Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Yesterday a great day was had. He came round, we saw friends, he came to one of my activist meetings, had great sex, had lovely dinner, laughed the whole day through. On getting ready for bed, he's in the bathroom brushing his teeth and my stomach just drops with an immediate thought "check his phone". I've never done that before, I've never felt the urge. I find he's spent the day and evening, even in front of me, texting and arguing with a woman, who's name I've never heard of before. Two the texts that staying in my mind that he sent were - "I've told you I have a life and hobbies, I just don't have time" (no mention of girlfriend) And the doozy is "All I wanted from you was a f#ck and a cuddle" I asked him who she was. He's very quiet. Apparently I have heard of this woman before - he's been moaning about a client who has been stalking him for work that he refuses to do for her because of her inability to critique her own business. For months now. It's become a joke between us - "stalker been in touch this week? LOL" The new information he decides to tell me is that she turns up at his house, and is sexually provocative. He claims she's been coming on to him for ages. He claims he hasn't done anything, not even held her hand. He claims the "f#ck and cuddle text" was him reciting back to her what she asked him for. It turns out that his claims to be buying a jacket similar to his own for a 'bloke' he knows, is actually him buying a jacket for her (admittedly there were lots of 'where is my jacket? I want a refund? actually I want the jacket' texts. But these were kind of drowned out by her barrage of his messing her around texts). He thought it would all go away. I've spend the whole of last night and today crying, asking why, trying my best not to vomit vitriol all over him, he's been crying, saying he regrets lying to me, never did anything, wishes he could turn back time, wishes it was all a bad dream, wants us to stay together, says he doesn't know why he lied when nothing happened, wants to know what he can do to make it better on and on etc etc If nothing happened, why did it take me catching him out for the 'truth' to come out? Why did it take two months? If a client were sexually harassing me, he would be the first person I would go to. My trust in him is completely destroyed. I love him immensely, I trusted him implicitly and it all vaporized once I discovered the texts, then realised the small lies and their connections. He states categorically he hasn't done anything. Even if he hasn't cheated (which I can't bring myself to believe because of the lies) he's lied to me and kept secrets for two months. He wants to win my trust back. I can't be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. It took me 7 years to get over my husband cheating on me and to find him, my father cheated on my mother for the whole of my childhood, I can't forgive cheaters and I hate liars. My heart is broken. Despite how much I love him, how much I want to be with him, how much I want to convince myself that I can get over this, I'd rather be miserable and alone, than with him and suspicious for the rest of my life. The part that thinks I know him, that trusted him, thinks he didn't cheat. He was just bloody stupid. The part of me that discovered he lied thinks I can never believe a word that comes out of his mouth again. Amid much snot and more tears, I ended it. He tells me he wants to win my trust back and will do anything to do so and prove himself. I believe that if I even consider this, I'd be a complete idiot. I know he loves me, I know he regrets this deeply, I know he's heartbroken too. 2 and a bit years gone down the toilet, all because I got a nasty urge to invade privacy, yet if I hadn't - I'd be floating around in ignorant bliss - a situation I find disgusting. How do people get over this? Is there a way of gaining trust back? Even if he hasn't cheated, how on earth can I trust someone who lied to me?
Author Jambalaya Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Oh and after I stormed out after discovering the texts and confronting him, on my return, he just so happened to delete all the texts I was referring to. He claimed that he was upset and shocked at how the texts could be misread.
Serenitynow Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I believe you did the right thing. From what you desrcibed, it sounds like you caught him red-handed. I find it amazing how dumb some cheaters are, that they leave messages like that in their phone. I also find it totally rude that he would text all day like that while with you, but If you two are under 30 its probably a way of life. At least you didnt come here asking IF you should dump him, like so many others do. I feel the same as you, I could never trust him again after that. .
vestigalvirgin Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 OP, the only question is which one of you is the other woman?
Author Jambalaya Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 He sent me an email transcript of his exchanged texts below - T is she, M is my now ex. It reads like the truth (to me), but still - why did he lie and keep it secret??? I know it's a oft quoted line "I can deal with the cheating, it's the lies I can't abide" Emotions are so raw right now, that I can't think clearly. All I can do is rest, cry, eat, sleep and nothing else. "Here is a transcript of messages I exchanged yesterday with T, I have saved them on my phone so you can see them for yourself if you want. Hopefuly it clears at least something. I may still be an idiot but I am not a cheating twat, i've never cheated on you neither emotionaly nor physicaly. My heart belongs to you baby and its been a terrible 24 hours so far." "T: Honey do you want to make up? :-) no need for this. pls M: Posted. Should have it by monday, have proof of postage. Now please leave me alone forever. I'm asking you T: Sure. Thank you. Will leave you alone. Bye T: I don't like being let down I hate excuses. This is what I always said - if you liked me you would have done something for me but you never did. Despite everything I'd still see you. Are you sure you don't want to meet ever again? I'm ok with that. M: I don't want to hear or see you again. You brought me nothing but pain. No business no personal stuff and I'm certainly not going to have sex with you. I hope you understand that my suggestion yesterday was a return joke. It has to end now. T: I offered you all I had but you rejected me flat. You didn't want me. Never mind T: Sorry what suggestion was that? M: About f#cks and cuddles. I have tried to take you away from my life several times and you come bacl. Please leave it for good. I don't want to hear from you. T: Sure. But we never had anything honey. Tammy: Ok bye honey T: I genuienly thought we were a good match together. I just needed you that was all. .... bla bla bla In this case brought me a lot of loneless nights T: Again I wish you all the best that's all I can say :-) T: I suppose anything else now is pointless. All is clear M: If you can stop texting me that would be a brilliant start. Thank you T: As long as I get my money back you deff won't hear from me again. I've moved on from you long ago I never believed anything will happen between us but the end. So be it :-( T: Honestly - you don't need to worry that you will see me again! Because you will simple never see me again. You only saw me 4 times if that and nothing ever happened. All you wanted is money and business. So sad. T: I'm a woman after all and all I ever wanted was some fun between us. Nothing wrong with that surely no need to punish me for that. M: I told you I have a girlfriend what is wrong with you woman! T: So what, I have a husband :-) M: I am in love and not with you. I'm in love with my girlfriend. T: But I wasn't in love with you. Never. Never will be. I do lie as well. I lie a lot. I lied to you too! I just wanted mad f#cks with you. That's all. But you were useless. M: We argreed to no texting if you remember. T: No I can't remember lol :-) he he he T: Many women would do anything to meet such a sexy happy man. T: I've lost nothing but you have. I never saw you you anyway. You just aim at ripping women off with your business ideas. T: You are a dead man to me M. Time waster. T: The other person is welcome to have you any time. I never did so no loss for me :-) T: Loser .... mad ramblings continue I am ignoring them" I honestly don't know what to do or think. All I keep thinking is he lied.
Alma Mobley Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'm sorry, but I think he cheated on you. She wanted to keep something going and resisted his attempts to break it off. He lied to you because he did something wrong, otherwise no need to keep this so secret. You felt the urge to check his phone because subconsciously you knew something was up, probably picked up on some behavioral cues. You can move past this with him if you are willing to forgive and work on your relationship and build trust but first HE MUST COME CLEAN and it looks as though he is not willing to do that. You did the right thing. I hope you can stay strong.
Author Jambalaya Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 He's said he's going to do some thinking on why he lied to me. I've told him in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate the 'I did it to protect you' BS. Been reading up on why men lie and to tell you the truth, none of them are actually real reasons, it's just all stupid excuses when you view it from the perspective of a genuine loving adult relationship - to keep their partner happy; to protect the other person; they don't want confrontation; they had parents with high expectations; to hide their shortcomings; they don't want to lose you amongst other crap. It's doing my head and I know I'm over analysing, but none of this makes sense.
Author Jambalaya Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Strangely my friends are all convinced he didn't cheat. They say he doesn't have it it in him, which I also used to feel about my ex husband who cheated. They understand my 'but then why lie?' and inability to get past that, but think I shouldn't throw this relationship away.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Strangely my friends are all convinced he didn't cheat. They say he doesn't have it it in him, which I also used to feel about my ex husband who cheated. They understand my 'but then why lie?' and inability to get past that, but think I shouldn't throw this relationship away. That text transcript sounds really fake. It is also common for some men to talk c$ap about the woman they are cheating with. That way, he still gets to talk about her and you won't suspect anything. Also the fact that he keeps responding to her texts, in front of you no less, suggests some form of current or past involment.
Author Jambalaya Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 He's saved the texts on his phone so I can see them in person if I want. The reasons the transcript rings true is there are phrases in there he (to put it bluntly) doesn't have the imagination to invent.
Gero Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 He's saved the texts on his phone so I can see them in person if I want. The reasons the transcript rings true is there are phrases in there he (to put it bluntly) doesn't have the imagination to invent. Didn't you say that he deleted some of the messages though?
Author Jambalaya Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 he did. these are the messages sent afterwards.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 He's saved the texts on his phone so I can see them in person if I want. The reasons the transcript rings true is there are phrases in there he (to put it bluntly) doesn't have the imagination to invent. Hmmmm, he could have still done a bit of editing.
Gero Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 he did. these are the messages sent afterwards. Okay, so all of this is after you already caught him and he was trying to cover his ass. I agree with what you did already. Whether he did cheat or not the lying thing just doesn't make sense and I understand how you couldn't trust him after that.
Recommended Posts