Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Even if I accept him only participating in the things that he chooses, there are certain behaviors that are not OK with the other people in my life. For example, if we are out with a group and he is ready to go home - he does not want me/us to say goodbye - he just wants to leave right then. Or, if another couple invites us to so something he wants me to reply "maybe" so he can decide when the time comes. If I am hosting a BBQ and he wants to do something else or stay home - he may not come. Then I am left to deal with my friends and family demanding to know how I can let me BF do things like ....leave without saying good-bye/no-showing to my party/not attending ANY weddings etc etc etc He says that people should not care so much about what he does and that and that no one should try to control the behvior of others. Either way, obilgation does cause him to feel exremely anxious... and this causes me frustration and embarassment in spite of his other good qualities. I understand where he is coming from with the whole goodbye thing. Sometimes I have stayed at a party longer than I wanted because I worried about saying goodbye. A lot of times I just say goodbye to one person and get out as quick as I can. I don't know why people with social anxiety do this, but I understand how people can get upset with it. I just know that it isn't anything personal. It's not like we hate the people that we are "ditching". It's really hard to understand unless you experience it.
Author seaberry Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Thanks Gero...yes I do understand that the "goodbye" process can feel anxious.... I will also say that a lot of this has gotten MUCH better over the years. When we first me he used to party/drink heavily...especially on the weekends - and he rarely if ever included me in these outings...even if other women/girlfriends were there. I just thought he was not comitteed to me and it caused huge fights. Then once he started getting help for the anxiety, I realized that the drinking was kind of an escape thing - he drinks a very moderate amount now. Also according to him, trying to include me in these party outings caused him a lot of stress...what if I don't like his friends? what if they don't like me? what if I am bored? or I want to stay out he wants to leave? This can be isolating because it ends up feeling like the only choice is to be together just the two of us, or go do things separately with our own friends and families. This also means that we often don't see each other at times that groups of friends get together like holiday weekends, halloween, new years etc....
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