seaberry Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Over the years my boyfriend has refused to go with me to many weddings family events etc.... He gives various reasons.... doesn't like some of my friends, likes to leave his time flexible, doesn't enjoy "formal" get togethers...on and on. And I happen to be invited to a lot of these kinds of things. At one wedding where I was in the wedding party, he said he would come and then refused that day, so I sat at the head table next to an empty seat! This is not specific to my events however - he does the same thing to his own friends, mom. They get upset too, but he still has a ton of friends. About six months ago he confided in me that he struggles from a level of anxiety, which he belives contributes to this "retreating" behaviour. He has been seeing someone about this and has gotten some anti-anxiety meds that seem to help. The funny thing is, he is VERY social on his own terms, loves to go to parties, bars when it suits him. If I tell him that his attendance at something is important/expected he is even LESS likely to go. Now this weekend he is trying to get out of a wedding again - in fact he has never gone with me to ONE in five years. This is getting to the point where some of my friends and family have let me know that he is no longer welcome (I have not told him this). When he no-shows it made me feel rude and embarrassed, but what can I do?? My friends are expecting him to be there this weekend - walking in alone again is just too much. Is this his anxiety?? I want to be supportive...it is just so frustrating.
Crazy Magnet Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 This behavior isn't going to change. You have to accept it. You also have to accept his petty and stupid excuses. I hate to burst your bubble but he seems to have "selective" anxiety, meaning he's only "anxious" when he has something better to do than hang out with you. You choose to stay with him despite the gigantic red elephants running and jumping around the room so there is nothing you can do if you stay with him. He is what he is. You get what you get. You will never change him. You will attend weddings alone for the rest of your life. Or...you can get a new boyfriend. .
norajane Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Invite a guy friend as your date, and have a great time. Your bf's selective "social anxiety" is an excuse, and a poor one at that. He doesn't want to go for his own reasons, whatever they are. Frankly, he's being an ass. But you put up with it, so he continues to do what he wants.
Author seaberry Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 This is likely true. Even if I accepted him not coming to things like weddings, other people in my life are so offended by it they are slowing cutting him out altogether - which impacts my relationships with other people close to me.
Crazy Magnet Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 You have to decide who is more important. Your BF who never puts you first, or everyone else in your life, who actually wants you in their life to the full extent.
Gero Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 He admits he has an anxiety issue and he is taking medication for it. The only way he is going to get better is if he goes out and puts himself in some uncomfortable situations. You're being there and being supportive of him through his issues, so he needs to put forth the effort to get better.
harmfulsweetz Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 He's using the whole social anxiety thing when it suits him, he doesn't want to go to these weddings, because of his 'issues' but he will happily attend bars, other social gatherings etc? He's selectively using it and dropping it when it suits him. To be honest, I'd tell him how selfish he is being, before dumping his ass. Not only is he letting you down, he's letting the bride and groom down too, who have paid for his dinner, and it truly is no wonder people are not willing to invite him anymore because weddings are expensive. Even more expensive when money is wasted. It looks bad on you, him, it's just downright embarrassing. I'd ask myself if I'd want to be with someone so inconsiderate, someone who cancels at the last minute and who is willing to leave you there and embarrass you like that? A guy who gives a damn would never want to make you feel like that. Sure it's his choice to go or not go, but at least have the common decency to say before they fork out money on him, and so you can plan ahead. It seems to me like he ain't gonna change, and this is what you will be stuck with. Do you want that?
Serenitynow Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Dump the loser and get someone that respects you. If you decide to marry him, will he show up at his own wedding ? .
Gero Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 If you decide to marry him, will he show up at his own wedding ? Ha! I was thinking that too.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 (edited) Since none of you know what you are talking about, I'd like to speak up for this condition he faces, because I do, too. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety Understand that it is a CLINICAL condition in some people, not psychological. (and the words "selective" and "just an excuse" is nowhere near any of the diagnosis heh) The psychological only triggers the CLINICAL. Some medication can work, some therapy can work only on MILD anxiety disorders. But...the bottom line is he does not want to go, regardless of any attempts he might make to "change" himself (the correct term would be "cure" btw since these people posting here do not have education in this subject worth a damn). It has nothing to do with his love for you or priority for you and your family events, of the reasoning he doesn't feel comfortable. Look, a wedding/family gathering is a social event with formal connotations/protocols, maturity and plenty of family baggage attached to it. (tension, responsibility). These factors, and knowing they will exist in a social situation turns his body into hyperdrive, creating all kinds of secondary physical conditions (which he may well be doing EVERYTHING he can to hide it displaying for fear of embarassment or awkwardness - which also is a cyclical fear chain) He is NOT being an ass, or un-loving, or anything that posters are saying here. A local bar is WAY different than driving/flying great distances to meet at weddings and family reunions and formal events. One again, a local party/bar/club has NO pressure involved whatsoever for him, and so he is naturally relaxed and probably drinks a little and relaxes more. He is comfortable knowing he can back out of the social situation, he is in control of his attendance at any time, without any embarassment on a major scale that you both would face if he stormed out of the cathedral of a wedding service midway through. Trust me, I know this condition, I face it everyday, and I love ALL my family and yet no matter how much I try I still cannot make funerals and weddings unless I absolutely devote a strict "pre-game" week to prep myself for any feelings I may get. Take medication/Play out worst-case scenarios at least 3 days in advance, etc etc. Edited July 9, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Since none of you know what you are talking about, I'd like to speak up for this condition he faces, because I do, too. I know what I am talking about because I have social anxiety. It could be that I think differently though, but I know if I actually had a girl that cared about me, I would try as hard as I could to get better and would completely open up to her about everything. I don't think he is doing this, but it might be that other people are trying to play off his fears or anxieties or he just isn't comfortable opening up about it. Regardless, I think that if going to weddings is an important thing to the OP then maybe she should really sit down and talk with this guy about all of his fears and anxieties and such. As I said in a previous post, if it's something that they can't get past then it won't work out. Some people just aren't strong enough to be with someone who suffers from depression or social anxiety they are both tough issues to deal with. I know being that I have had both for over 10 years.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 (edited) I'm sorry but, quite bluntly, you do NOT suffer from social anxiety "clinically" if you can act differently than him, or me, in situations. "Thinking" isn't the X factor to dealing with anxiety, treatment is. And caring about people is not anything that stops anxiety. You likely have a mild anxiety response compared to the "clinical" variety. I'd sooner think that my SO would prefer I not be existing in a hellish nightmare of my own thoughts for hours on end, from which I feel no escape, than live through it just so I can sit with her in a building and watch other people get married. I'd hope the OP can understand that this person she loves, may be on the same level of suffering as myself (allbeit doesn't face the reality and identify as having a disorder as well), and thus all the comments here are grossly negligent to the problems he puts himself through even "considering" going to these events with her. Edited July 9, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'm sorry but, quite bluntly, you do NOT suffer from social anxiety "clinically" if you can act differently than him, or me, in situations. I'm sure I have something if I couldn't even leave the house for about a year... couldn't handle being in big crowds or anywhere where I felt like too much attention was going to be paid to me. When I get invited to a friend's house, the first question I have is "How many people are going to be there". I know it's hard to change, but if he is taking medication and going to therapy then it's not completely wrong for the OP to expect him to make an effort to get better. We don't know his side of the story so we don't know if he is seriously trying to get better or not. I can't say how hard it is to try to completely get over the issue because I haven't done anything to get over my issues in my ten years of having issues.
harmfulsweetz Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Since none of you know what you are talking about, I'd like to speak up for this condition he faces, because I do, too. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety Understand that it is a CLINICAL condition in some people, not psychological. (and the words "selective" and "just an excuse" is nowhere near any of the diagnosis heh) The psychological only triggers the CLINICAL. Some medication can work, some therapy can work only on MILD anxiety disorders. But...the bottom line is he does not want to go, regardless of any attempts he might make to "change" himself (the correct term would be "cure" btw since these people posting here do not have education in this subject worth a damn). It has nothing to do with his love for you or priority for you and your family events, of the reasoning he doesn't feel comfortable. Look, a wedding/family gathering is a social event with formal connotations/protocols, maturity and plenty of family baggage attached to it. (tension, responsibility). These factors, and knowing they will exist in a social situation turns his body into hyperdrive, creating all kinds of secondary physical conditions (which he may well be doing EVERYTHING he can to hide it displaying for fear of embarassment or awkwardness - which also is a cyclical fear chain) He is NOT being an ass, or un-loving, or anything that posters are saying here. A local bar is WAY different than driving/flying great distances to meet at weddings and family reunions and formal events. One again, a local party/bar/club has NO pressure involved whatsoever for him, and so he is naturally relaxed and probably drinks a little and relaxes more. He is comfortable knowing he can back out of the social situation, he is in control of his attendance at any time, without any embarassment on a major scale that you both would face if he stormed out of the cathedral of a wedding service midway through. Trust me, I know this condition, I face it everyday, and I love ALL my family and yet no matter how much I try I still cannot make funerals and weddings unless I absolutely devote a strict "pre-game" week to prep myself for any feelings I may get. Take medication/Play out worst-case scenarios at least 3 days in advance, etc etc. I'm not saying he doesn't have it, or it doesn't exist, neither is anyone else here. In the end, it is something he has to work on, or he will continue to let her down. It's not fair to tell someone on the day of the wedding you aren't going, it's selfish, and immature, regardless of the reasoning. Don't want to go? Decline well in advance then.
harmfulsweetz Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'm sorry but, quite bluntly, you do NOT suffer from social anxiety "clinically" if you can act differently than him, or me, in situations. "Thinking" isn't the X factor to dealing with anxiety, treatment is. And caring about people is not anything that stops anxiety. You likely have a mild anxiety response compared to the "clinical" variety. I'd sooner think that my SO would prefer I not be existing in a hellish nightmare of my own thoughts for hours on end, from which I feel no escape, than live through it just so I can sit with her in a building and watch other people get married. I'd hope the OP can understand that this person she loves, may be on the same level of suffering as myself (allbeit doesn't face the reality and identify as having a disorder as well), and thus all the comments here are grossly negligent to the problems he puts himself through even "considering" going to these events with her. For me, I think it's that he cancels at inopportune moments, i.e on the day of the event, a couple of days before, when his meal has been paid for, everyone is expecting him, etc. That is selfish. I will make no apologies for what I am about to say-he is a grown man who should be mature enough and responsible AND considerate enough to understand that by canceling at such short notice, he is letting his SO down, himself down and the wedding party down. It's one thing to point blank refuse to go full stop, well in advance, entirely another, in short notice. Sometimes people need to push themselves out of their boundaries in order to overcome them. You need to put yourself in a hellish situation (for you) in order to realize it's not so bad. If you just permanently avoid these situations, how are you ever going to get any better?
Blade Runner Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 (edited) We don't know enough about the OP's boyfriend to be able to say "He has selective social anxiety". Calling him a loser, etc. Kind of funny how judgemental some people are on this forum without any real information. Fact of the matter is, it is entirely possible for somebody to have social anxiety - be completely fine in specific, comfortable situations and then the complete opposite in a situation like a wedding. Having said that, the only person who can really decide if the OP's boyfriend is just using it as an exuse is the OP herself. This is a very wide, and complex issue that cannot simply be shoved into one category for every person. It is not always a matter of "when it suits me". Social anxiety is not that black and white. I am not saying that it isn't possible the OP's boyfriend is just using it as an excuse, but we cannot draw conclusions here with such small amounts of information. Seaberry, it sounds like you need to have a serious chat with him and get a result you are happy with. At least a bit more understanding. He should be able to explain to you why he can go to parties with complete strangers, but can't go to a Wedding. That does sound a tiny bit odd to me, but as I said earlier we can't draw any conclusions. Weddings are very different to a casual Saturday night party. Parties tend to be darker, people drink, it's easier to just mind your own business without feeling like people are eyeing you out. Weddings are a completely different type of event, for the socially anxious, I would say Weddings would be right up there with the worst. But talk to him. Get a good conversation. You two are the only people that can make some sense out of this thing. He needs to be open to this discussion. Edited July 9, 2010 by Blade Runner
flying Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I suggest you guys read all of seaberry's posts - recent and older - about this relationship before giving this guy a pass. Putting everything together, he doesn't sound like someone ruled by his social anxiety so much as by his selfishness.
Crazy Magnet Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 My current BF has anxiety. He's on meds and went to therapy for a long time. His anxiety was severe enough that he didn't leave the house for a couple of years! He was super skinny, couldn't eat, avoided all of his friends, etc. I'd say I have some experience with this one. Regardless of his anxiety, he would never cancel on me last minute. He would either decline in advance or suck it up and go. Of course I would cut the evening short if it was too hard for him in any situation. And yes, read her other threads. He sounds like a selfish jerk. The wedding "anxiety" when coupled with the rest of his "you need to re-arrange you entire weekend that you planned months in advance to care for my dog b/c I don't feel like re-arranging my own last minute trip making me incapable of caring for my dog" doesn't really sound like someone with anxiety. He's too anxious to attend a wedding but can go off on a moments notice on a trip to an unfamiliar place with people he isn't even good friends with?? Really?!?
flying Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 My current BF has anxiety. He's on meds and went to therapy for a long time. His anxiety was severe enough that he didn't leave the house for a couple of years! He was super skinny, couldn't eat, avoided all of his friends, etc. I'd say I have some experience with this one. Regardless of his anxiety, he would never cancel on me last minute. He would either decline in advance or suck it up and go. Of course I would cut the evening short if it was too hard for him in any situation. And yes, read her other threads. He sounds like a selfish jerk. The wedding "anxiety" when coupled with the rest of his "you need to re-arrange you entire weekend that you planned months in advance to care for my dog b/c I don't feel like re-arranging my own last minute trip making me incapable of caring for my dog" doesn't really sound like someone with anxiety. He's too anxious to attend a wedding but can go off on a moments notice on a trip to an unfamiliar place with people he isn't even good friends with?? Really?!? Bingo.
potrzebie Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Regardless of his anxiety, he would never cancel on me last minute. He would either decline in advance or suck it up and go. Of course I would cut the evening short if it was too hard for him in any situation. QUOTE] I agree that this is the crux of the matter, insofar as taking the clinical thing at face value; even if you have anxiety, you SHOULD be able to let people know in a timely way if you know you're not going to fulfill an obligation. Of course, if you know your BF is this way, why do you keep insisting on it? It sounds like he's had plenty of chances to not do this to you and your friends/family. I'm guessing you've tried asking him to just go to the reception, or just go to the ceremony or just the rehearsal dinner, etc., whichever you think he'd be less "anxious" about? Or setting a strict time limit for how long you'd be there? Or maybe the clinical expert who posted earlier might have some good ideas for breaking down the situation into small enough steps to be doable for this man? (BTW, is he willing to go to therapy with you?) Either way, though, if he's not going to change, and it's affecting you this much, then you may have to simply accept that things are this way and deal accordingly (don't ask him to weddings any more and let your family/friends know that you will be there either alone or with a friend--male or female) and enjoy whatever else your BF brings to your relationship to offset this strange behaviour, or, take a break and maybe find someone more compatible with what's important to YOU...
Serenitynow Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I suggest you guys read all of seaberry's posts - recent and older - about this relationship before giving this guy a pass. Putting everything together, he doesn't sound like someone ruled by his social anxiety so much as by his selfishness. Exactly my point .
2sure Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 The funny thing is, he is VERY social on his own terms, loves to go to parties, bars when it suits him. If I tell him that his attendance at something is important/expected he is even LESS likely to go. Yeah, anxiety is not the reason he does not want to attend these events. Its the obligation. Some people hate them simply because they are made to feel they have to attend regardless of their own wants. And they DO. Obligations, both social and professional are a basic part of LIFE. If he doesnt enjoy them thats his problem but it doesnt relieve him of the responsibility to be a good guest , PARTNER, family member etc. Social graces and manners can be learned and even faked when your heart isnt in it. Someone like this literally objects to expectations of themselves. It is selfish, immature, and stunted. Grow the F up.
lso802 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I don't go to weddings either. They're boring, and I don't really see the point to them. I always think along the lines that they're a complete waste and a social construct that one must have to show romantic bonding, blah, blah. Why not spend that money on an asset like a house? I will go to your housewarming. No offense. Just my belief. I don't mind doing something I simply abhor (watching Juno) with my girl once in a while, but if it's a frequent thing (like these weddings sound), heck no. But if it's something important to you, let the guy go. If he was my buddy, I'd tell him the same. If it's important to her and you don't see the big deal, let the girl go.
Author seaberry Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Thanks for the posts. Yes, this situation is complicated and has gone on at some level through our whole relationship. When he get to be with people when and how he chooses, he is charming, fun, warm and absolutely great. This is how he is most of the time that the two of us spend as a couple. However, if he feels AT ALL pressured, trapped, or obilgated he is impossible. Sullen, shuts down, leaves the room etc.
Author seaberry Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Even if I accept him only participating in the things that he chooses, there are certain behaviors that are not OK with the other people in my life. For example, if we are out with a group and he is ready to go home - he does not want me/us to say goodbye - he just wants to leave right then. Or, if another couple invites us to so something he wants me to reply "maybe" so he can decide when the time comes. If I am hosting a BBQ and he wants to do something else or stay home - he may not come. Then I am left to deal with my friends and family demanding to know how I can let me BF do things like ....leave without saying good-bye/no-showing to my party/not attending ANY weddings etc etc etc He says that people should not care so much about what he does and that and that no one should try to control the behvior of others. Either way, obilgation does cause him to feel exremely anxious... and this causes me frustration and embarassment in spite of his other good qualities.
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