ar1 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 This is a bit strange talking this out with strangers, but I suppose any input would be greatly appreciated (my couple friends have been giving me polar opposite opinions on this). Well where do I start? We were together for about 4 years, we both essentially watched each other grow up (she and I were 19 and 21 respectively when we met). Throughout the relationship she always put a bit more effort than me, though the discrepancy wasn't huge. She recently finished her undergraduate degree, while I'm finishing up graduate school. Between the time she graduated and the break up, I always wanted to stay home (a combination of too much work and my own laziness), she expressed that it bothered her but I just brushed things off. I could sense that things were about to reach a critical mass, so I tried changing things - but it was too little too late. She broke things off with me shortly after, citing those reasons along with the fact that wants to experience life outside of a relationship (her friends had been telling her this). I personally suspect that the latter reason was only invoked by the former reason, but it's all speculation. Post breakup (it has been 3 weeks), I've been keeping sparse contact through electronic forms of communication. Also, I've been going to the gym and hanging out with friends. I mean, this is what you do to move on - I'm sure of it. At the same time, a big part of me doesn't want to move on and wants to make things right with her. There's that tired adage "you don't know what you have until it's gone", well it's really ringing true for me! This entire ordeal has opened my eyes to my own character flaws and how much I really love her. I'm going on vacation with a few friends to help get my head on straight in a few days. Shortly after, I'd like to re-initiate contact by meeting her (or a date of sorts) to see where things are at and possibly take things slowly from there. Any input on this?
whatadeer26 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 A lot of people on this site are going to say go No Contact until she comes back to you. My opinion would be for you to go no contact until you get home from your trip. Then try to initiate contact again and feel her out by her tone, if you call, or the way she responds to your text/e-mail. I wish you the best.
Author ar1 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 A lot of people on this site are going to say go No Contact until she comes back to you. My opinion would be for you to go no contact until you get home from your trip. Then try to initiate contact again and feel her out by her tone, if you call, or the way she responds to your text/e-mail. I wish you the best. Thanks for the response! I think that complete NC is the least painful way to move on and sometimes does indeed make the other party "see what they're missing". However, for the primary reason that things didn't work out between us, I feel that full on NC would only reinforce her decision.
whatadeer26 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 As much as I want to tell you and believe begging will work you have to face the fact that trying to get her back is going to hurt you like it did in the begining if you don't succeed. You will feel like it was day 1 all over again. I'm not saying don't try, but if you do, make 1 last big push for her and be happy with those end results. If you get her great, if not, do not run after her for a long period of time. She will resent you and have no respect for you.
Author ar1 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 As much as I want to tell you and believe begging will work you have to face the fact that trying to get her back is going to hurt you like it did in the begining if you don't succeed. You will feel like it was day 1 all over again. I'm not saying don't try, but if you do, make 1 last big push for her and be happy with those end results. If you get her great, if not, do not run after her for a long period of time. She will resent you and have no respect for you. About the begging thing, sometimes I get the feeling that's what she wants me to do. At the same time, I'm: 1) unsure if I could bring myself to do that, 2) afraid that it'll push her away even further, and 3) thinking it might only temporarily fix things if it does work. Though, in the past she had always romanticized the whole notion of a guy doing anything to get a girl back (through friends breakups). It seems though, sometimes people will interpret an act as noble when it comes to other people, but when it's them they get put off by it.
whatadeer26 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I thought the same thing, figured lowering myself to begging and pleading would help her realize how much I cared. This doesn't work normally and if it does 99% of the time they just felt bad for you and took you back to be nice. I was foolish to try and explain to her that the reasons she said she was breaking up with me were petty. He parents split because of lack of communication and she bottled up her feelings until she believed her reasons were big enough to end it with me. We never fought or even raised our voices to one another. As much as I miss my ex I will never beg for her again. We shouldn't need to. Sorry for my little rant, but if you are going to make an effort I would suggest 1 last push. Only, if you truely feel this could do the trick. Small conversations with her are not going to her your chances. I truely believe NC until you get back from Vacation. Forget about her until then and enjoy yourself. Exactly what I plan on doing when I leave for Mexico in 10 days. Out of Sight out of mind. No way to contact or get in touch with her. pure bliss.
Author ar1 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Her birthday is coming up in a few days as well, I feel that ignoring it (as what most of these forums say to do) will only exasperate the situation. I was thinking of either giving her a call or sending a card. Do you have any thoughts on this?
McGrupp Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 hey man your situation sounds a lot like mine 1 year ago. same age thing, same excuse to break us up from her, same b-day and everything. i regret not keeping my composure and giving her space and not going NC. only 1 way to get her back and thats to move on, by not talking, begging, etc. NC all the way dude.
Author ar1 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 (edited) hey man your situation sounds a lot like mine 1 year ago. same age thing, same excuse to break us up from her, same b-day and everything. i regret not keeping my composure and giving her space and not going NC. only 1 way to get her back and thats to move on, by not talking, begging, etc. NC all the way dude. Here are my thoughts on this, I think NC is certainly the most efficient method to move on. However, many on these forums peddle it off to be the solution to everything. Honestly, I think it's dangerous at best to treat it as such. Every situation is different, there certainly isn't a "one size fits all" solution for it all. I suspect many come to these forums trying to figure out how to win back their exs. And through all the threads I've read, everyone seems to be pushing NC as the ONLY solution. If your intention is to win someone back, there are definitely clear cut cases where I could see it working. For example, if you were too needy in a relationship - this approach would be the best IMO. However, if you were emotionally unavailable it seems completely counter-intuitive to act that way. In fact, it seems that doing it will only confirm the reasons why they broke up with you in the first place. I'm no expert when it comes to this stuff however (I'm only good for problems in high energy physics). The way I'm approaching this is, since I was such a dickhead, be there for her without smothering her or becoming too friendly. Attempting to keep a very level head and not make emotionally charged decisions (those never end well). However, my belief is that the old relationship is "dead" and if, that's a big if, things were to ever regain traction; it would have to be viewed as a completely new relationship. Therefore, I would have to work on some of my own issues in the mean time. Edited July 14, 2010 by ar1
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