My wife had an affair and left me with our 2 children as well as my 2 stepchildren

[tank]

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance on this situation. So i will share my storey. Its 3 months since she left and I am just as confused today as i was then. Take a read and let me know what you think, and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

My wife and I were best friends in highschool and eventually we took it to the next level. This stopped when I graduated. From then we both lived separate lives. She started a new relationship and had 2 children. 7 years later we ran into each other and started talking. One thing led to another and we were seeing each other again. She was a single mom on welfare. I supported her and her children as there father was a deadbeat. After 4 years of living together, after a fight with cancer, 1 unborn child and 2 beautiful childre (4kids total), she forged my signature on a marriage license application and ups'd the license to my work with the date and plans for the wedding. I love this women very much and if she wanted this i would give it to her. She always gets what she wants from me. We have been up and down financially for the past 3 years but we got through it and put it behind us. We purchsed a beautiful home with a large property and pool for the kids. My wife worked 1/2 day in the morning (her job is extremely flexible) while our yongest went to school 1/2 day. Our youngest daughter went to school full time and my wife started to withdraw from Family and friends. She went to work later and didn't come home until dinner time. in September we were informed the cancer was back but not very badly and they started her on treatment. October of last year I just happened to talk with her best friend (her coworker as well) and she asked me if I was okay with my wife spending time with a single male co-worker. I talked to my wife about this and of course everything was just friends. I caught her on 3 different occasions going out with this person. 1 night she didnt come home. I confronted her and she told me about the affair. Oddly my first reaction was all business. I asked her some questions and she told me she still loved me but she wasn't in love with me. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted and that she would be leaving to stay with a family member. At this time i got legal advise and drafted a separation agreement. My wife signed the agreement leaving me with the house and all 4 children, my 2 and her 2 from a previous relationship. She got the car and I got a lot of debt. I concentrated on payingoff the debt and the children. Of course i made all the same mistakes like begging her to come back, trying to make her feel guilty about what she has done to the kids. She was the best mom I know and she has abandoned us all. It has been 2 months since she left, she is staying with the guy from the affair. She has told no one wheree she is and what happened betsween us. Her best friend thinks she is staying with family and she knows we are not together, thats it. She says she wants to be my friend and asks me to meet for coffee at least once a week. Its just not working for me. She tells her mother she hasn't given up on our marriage just yet, she just doesnt know what she wants. She is very absent minded about the children, she doesnt call them or answer when they call her. I am a very detail oriented guy, I know i was lazy when I got home and did nothing but watch tv. I was a workaholic and worked 12 to 15 hrs a day 6 days a week. I was very loving to her and my family. I am now a full time parent and work 8 hrs a day 5 days a week. I realize what i have done wrong but i don't want to give up, I want my family together, no matter what the cost. This situation gets even harder when I say We have been raising her brother for 5 years, so I also have her 18 year old brother living with me and I renovated the basement in to a 1 bedroom apartment at her request so her mother could rent it from us. So she leaves me with all for kids, her brother and my mother-in law renting an apartment in my home. Well thats my storey and I'm here to get my head right and work through this with the ultimate goal of reuniting my family under 1 roof.

[skywriter]

Hi tank and welcome.

 

I am sorry for what your wife has put you, and your children through. From reading your post, you have a huge heart and are very devoted to your family. No disrespect intended towards your W, but, from your post, she uses your kindness and genorosity for what she deems in her best interest.

 

It may be, that you getting a legal seperation agreement, was a very wise move on your part.

 

You say that you still love your W and want to keep your family in tact. I hope that it works out for you.

 

It sounds to me that you do have your head on straight as far as your responsiblity is concerned. As for having your head on straight , where your W is concerned....well, you can't love people enough, you can only love you. They have to want you and be willing to love you. peace....

[imagine]

I take it that you are legally married.

 

Are the step children legally yours? How does brother and MIL support themselves?

 

Fix yourself. You need to dress smarter, talk less with your wife and never beg. Women do not like doormats. Show some leadership and unplug the TV.

 

Welcome to MB.

 

Arm yourself by reading the articles. Do it now!

[habs53]

I take it that you are legally married.

 

Are the step children legally yours? How does brother and MIL support themselves?

 

Fix yourself. You need to dress smarter, talk less with your wife and never beg. Women do not like doormats. Show some leadership and unplug the TV.

 

Welcome to MB.

 

Arm yourself by reading the articles. Do it now!

Yep start the no contact like yesturday. Do it for yourself. She is a very selfish person. Show her you can live without her.

[tank]

Well I have been in NC for 3 weeks now. It is hard with 4 children involved. Right now the current battle is about her paying me child support. Her pay cheque still goes in my account, her car payment still comes out of my account so does her gym membership and car insurance. She is using me as a doormat and now she expects me to let her off of paying her child support until Sept. I am having a hard time sticking to NC. She knows just what to say to me to get me to cave into her. Right now she is pushing me as she says she is getting her own place. She is being extra nice trying to get me to give in. I am taking care of myself, but she just gives me mixed signals. I just cant read her. I have taken up a hobby, i am at the gym and lost 50lbs since she left. I am being a good dad to my kids. They are starting to get adjusted but they just want there mom home. My youngest is only 6 and she really wants her mom, the oldest boys (step children) just feel left alone. I love all my children, i am in the middle of fighting the biolocial father for custody. My wife had full custody of the boys and i have been their dad for 10 years. He owes 15,000 in child support, doesnt work, so i am not to concerned about him. I just want my kids to stay together. It is hard to live with my in-laws, my MIL works and pays rent, i pay for my BIL as he has lived with me and my wife for 5 years. Its just a lot of pressure. It doesnt seem to get any easier as each day passes. I am down her income and i have to pay for everything on my income. I just dont know what she is thinking. She wants the security i offer her financially, but she doesnt want anything else. She is nice, then turns cold. The mixed signals are crazy, one min. she will say something about the kids then its like baby can you do this for me. I only talk about kids and money, i avoid the situation if she discusses anything further. that just makes her more upset.

[spriggig]

She left you a long time ago, she just didn't bother to tell you.

 

Here's the classic cheater's line:

 

I asked her some questions and she told me she still loved me but she wasn't in love with me.

 

In other words, she still loves you but she's "in love", chasing butterflies, with someone else.

 

This one helped me not hate my wife: The opposite of love is not hate but apathy. Though it felt like for her to "do this to me", she must hate me, it wasn't true. She really did/does love me, as a human and maybe as a friend but no longer as a lover.

 

For her D-Day is the final piece of the puzzle, the last thing she had to do before walking away, the thing she has dreaded/longed for. For the BS, this is the first chance they have to respond, and that was the plan all along, that the marriage would be over for her before the BS could mount a defense and perhaps change her mind. She went about tearing down your marriage behind your back so by the time you turned around and looked inside the circle of trust you thought you shared with her, there would be nothing left to defend. It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to destroy it.

 

The affair is probably a means to an ends. She's using it, first to fill an emotional void. But, she also knows this will be the final nail in the coffin--it probably didn't occur to her that you'd still want her after the affair. After all, don't we all warn our SO's in the beginning that "if you ever cheat, it will mean the end of the relationship"?

 

It's different when you face the reality. It was for me.

 

I'm very sorry to tell you this, but the chance that you'll successfully revive your marriage from this situation is almost nil.

[tank]

She hasnt filed for divorce, she is uncertain on what she wants. She talks to no one except her new "clic" of friends. She doesnt talk to her family, she advoids them. Her grandmother was always the most important person in her life and she doesnt even talk to her. I still have family functions, include my family and hers. Everyweekend there is something at my home. Thats why we bought it. She has withdrawn from everything she has ever been. Family was the most important thing to her, now it seems to mean nothing. Her 6yr old tells her everytime they see each other that she cant live like this, that mommy needs to come home. Our 12yr old hates his life! i have all children in counselling as i know this must be terrible on them. What makes a women who loves her family so much, walk away and not care? can anyone give any insite into that?

[sid980]

She has some serious personal issues. I am in a very similar situation, none of her family live with me but my wife cheated and left me with all the children even ones from before we were together. She has played the "I don't know what I want" game and I tried to be there for her. I can hear myself saying some of the things you have.

 

The things that finally made me let go was stopping and really thinking about it. She says she doesn't know what she wants, yet she clearly made her choice already. Where has she been staying? That is your answer. PERIOD.

 

I understand that you have shared a lot of your life with her and that she is the mother of your children. That still does not make her YOUR problem. Whatever is ****ed up in her head is something that only SHE can fix.

 

Separate the checking account. Open a new one to put all your money in. You have a custody arrangement, file for child support. Make the court order it. Your money pays your bills, she can take care of herself.

 

Another thing... stop listening to her words. I know you love her, it is obvious in your post. It is hard to not let her push your buttons, but you have to do it. Watch hers actions, that will tell you everything you need to know. She left you for him, she wants to be with him, she abandoned her family. None of that is easy to hear, it tore me up to admit it about my situation, but it is the truth.

 

Don't let her get away with saying she is confused. If she didn't like what she was doing she would have stopped.

 

She doesn't respect you.

 

Sorry for the aggressive tone.

[tank]

no worries about the tone. I am starting to realize that she isnt the same person. She has no respect for my children, thats what hit me yesterday. She doesnt clue in that the damage to them is done. She doesnt realize that they have called her too many times where she didnt answer. Now they dont call. She is trying to get out of the child support payments with me, she is begging me to let her have more time to pay. I all ready gave her 3 months without paying, now she wants more. She is playing the "I need to get my own place so I can take the kids there" card. She just knows how to push my buttons. She just broke down yesterday, and started crying and then she hugged me, hard and didnt let go, and i hate to admit it, but i hugged her back. It just felt good to me. I beat myself up afterwards but the damage was done. I have filed all the appropriate documents with the court, so with in 30 to 60 days they will take the money off her pay cheque. As far as us, she doesnt want to file for divorce, i just dont have the money at this moment. I just dont get her anymore. Thanks for all the advise everyone.

[tank]

So another day. It seems i might have struck a nerve with my wife about our children. She called last night to say goodnight to them. There was no communication between us, as soon as i answered she asked to speak to them. I guess thats a good thing. I`m still debating about the divorce, I now I can do it but I`m afraid about opening up our agreement. I am afraid of losing my kids. I dont think i would but its always a possibility. The one thing i have learned from our separation is how much they mean to me. I do everything for them now. To be honest they are the only thing keeping me going right now. I guess i need something to focus on and they are it. I have a legal battle coming up with my 2 oldest father but i can win that i am sure, they have been my sons for 10 years and he is a deadbeat. I will have divorce with my wife to deal with. Unfortunately Saturday is my anniversary with my wife so I have a whole week to deal with those feelings and to make it worse, she has the kids for the weekend, i cant even get have them here to take my mind off of it. I know where i need to be in this situation and it is hard. I have know my wife for a long time, we were best friends first. I will be strong and I will stay focused. If anyone has any advise on how to deal with the ex when kids are involved, please share. She knows just what to say or do to me to make me crack, just like that hug the other day. I welcome all advice