cdt76 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 How can a person survive a series of tragedies in life and still maintain any kind of positive outlook in life? How can the last tragedy not become the one that breaks you as a person or once you overcome it, have the feeling that you can overcome anything because of what you have been through? The series of tragedies started 5 years ago and ever year or so it seems a new one arises. How is a person to overcome all of this?
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I am not going to go into details, but I will say this: I know where you're coming from. The light at the end of the tunnel does turn out to be an oncoming train. You know the only thing you can do? You wake up in the morning, and you think the day positive. Whatever happens, ask yourself what it's teaching you. Maybe the general life I'm leading at the moment is as a result of Kamma. But you know what? It actually doesn't matter what happens to me. What matters is how I view it. How I deal with it. How I accept it and transform it into a character-building situation. I try to treat things in as compassionate a way I can. Oh, please understand me, I have two or three very good friends I confide in, and the poor dears get burdened occasionally, by my tales of woe. Offloading helps. Because there are good days. There are good people. There are positive occurrences. There is sunshine between the rainshowers. We're taught in Buddhism that a Buddha-mind is like a completely spotless, unclouded, unblemished blue sky. So at times, when I see nothing but clouds, it helps me if I remind myself that behind all that grey, lies serenity. I don't know if I'm helping much here, but peace of mind is within your grasp. It's a question of changing your mind-set. Difficult? Hell, yes. Impossible? Absolutely not. I'm sorry if this meant little to you. But I just put down what works for me.
Ronni_W Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Hugs, cdt. It can be difficult, sometimes. When it all feels a little too overwhelming, I've found it helpful to talk with a professional. In the case of loss, perhaps a grief counselor? There are also philosophies that try to help when we are setback with tragedies and feel that we are suffering more than we can handle. It can be useful to read some of the theories and use whatever tools fit in with our personal philosophy of life. I don't mean to "find religion/spirituality", especially if that does not suit you...but. For example, the way Buddhists perceive and deal with suffering can help us put a different spin on how we are perceiving and dealing with our own suffering, regardless of whether we are atheist, agnostic or theist. It doesn't "work" for everybody, but these are the kinds of things that have helped me get through my 'darker hours'. Sending positive vibes, and wishes that you will find a source of Comfort and Strength that works for you.
Author cdt76 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Tara you've actually been an amazing help over the last year. I think I get bogged down in the details. Wondering why things happen, focusing on the past because the future does look like that oncoming train. There is a country song about a man who is staring at the ruins of a house torn apart by a tornado. A reporter asks him how he is going to deal with this. The man replies, and I'm summarizing, his parents died, brother died, watched his wife take her last breath, so this ain't nothing. This ain't nothing money can't replace. This song is what made me think of the question first posted. I can't seem to clear my mind of the clouds as you put it. Some days of course are partly sunny but on the horizon there is always that storm front. I know I'm going a bit far with your analogy but it fits. How do we clear away the clouds, have that positive outlook that today is going to be different from yesterday, better even. How do we say "this ain't nothing?"
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 well, cdt, first of all, thank you very much for your kind words. I appreciate them. Secondly, I think I hesitate to expound precisely what works for me, for probably the same reasons Ronnie_W didn't really elaborate. As a Buddhist, I actually hesitate to speak too much about 'what works for me' because it veers dangerously close to proselytising, and preaching, and subtle attempts at conversion. All of which actually makes my blood run cold, because I really do want you to understand, that is not my intention here. I suppose the good thing to expand with at this point, is that (as I'm talking from my own PoV and "place I'm at") in Buddhism, we are strongly encouraged to never take anything at face value, or on blind faith and acceptance. we're taught to examine everything for ourselves, to scrutinise and evaluate, and find out for ourselves whether it really works for us, or not. so - briefly - I would urge you to take my words precisely with that caveat. have you ever heard the poem, "If", by Kipling? There is a line in that which sums up how to view life. "If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same".... In other words, the great bits are just as ephemeral and temporary as the not-so-great bits. It all comes, it all stays, it all passes. So this then, is the meaning of the often mis-interpreted First Noble Truth: That 'In life there is suffering'. we "suffer" because we cling and grasp to the desire that everything will be good, and the good will be permanent. We "suffer" because we cling and grasp to the desire that everything bad will not happen, and not stay long when it does. But you know, neither is possible. so when something great happens, we should view it as 'Ho-hum, this too shall pass'. And when something not-so-great happens, we should view it as 'Ho-hum, this too shall pass.' celebrte and be happy, when life is on the up. but it's something that will dissipate and move on. be serene and find your centre when Life is on a downer, because, truly - it's something that will dissipate and move on. if you can change your mind-set 'and treat those two impostors just the same', you will become more philosophical about the ups, and more serene, accepting and level-minded about the downs. they'll even out..... breathe in, breathe out. In the morning, do this five times, deeply, sat on the edge of your bed. Empty your mind, and let your thoughts drift. The moment a crappy one enters your head, tell yourself you will not subject yourself to the downward spiral of elaborating the thought into a negative scenario..... Then, be determined that this day will bring unseen rewards, whatever they might be. is this all cow-poo to your ears? I hope not......
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 How can a person survive a series of tragedies in life and still maintain any kind of positive outlook in life? How can the last tragedy not become the one that breaks you as a person or once you overcome it, have the feeling that you can overcome anything because of what you have been through? The series of tragedies started 5 years ago and ever year or so it seems a new one arises. How is a person to overcome all of this? I often ask myself the same question. The number of tradegy/sh*tty things that's happened to me in the past 2-3 years is pretty crazy. I have moments where I wonder how I'm still sane and not on some crazy meds or self-medicating or something, let alone how I maintain a positive attitude. All I can say is that... I have faith. You know that saying that G-d wouldn't put you through anything you can't handle? I believe that. I also believe in the old saying "this too shall pass." I believe everything happens for a reason. That all the sh*tty things that happen occur to teach us a valuable lesson. To learn, and grow, and become an even better person. I'm not saying it's easy. It's hard. Really hard. There have definitely been moments where I thought, "How will I get over this?" Whether that be a death of a loved one, a breakup, escaping one bad situation or another, etc., I've just always told myself that I hurt once before, and I was eventually okay. And that *this* situation will be no different.
Author cdt76 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 No it is not cow poo to me! In fact it's exactly the type of understanding that I crave. When following your advice I would guess that lifes up and downs do not become internalized to our person. Meaning that when something bad does happen, it is supposed to just be accepted and like water off a duck, the bad rolls off us as well. Over the past 5 years, I have completely internalized the failures, bad luck, poor choices, and betrayal of others as somehow all my fault and caused by something I should have seen or done or not done. Unable to Look forward with eyes that see clearly and truthfully and positively has gotten me into a mental hole that seems to become ever deeper by the day. Too many negatives have hit me in sequence with very little positive to offset it. I want to be happy with who I am, where I am, what I have and where I am going. Most of my life I have been driven by an internal powerplant that has allowed me to overcome a rough childhood, surpass expectations of those around me and make me into the professional and personal success that I am today. However, due to the string of events, that power plant has quit working. There is no drive. No goal. I no longer see my purpose here on earth and I HAVE to have purpose. Purpose is what validates me. Yes, external forces make me who I am, though it may contrary to pop culture of the hip saying. I like who I am as a person. That person just has no destiny and becuase of that I struggle with staying positive. Spiritually yes, I believe and do my best to lead a good life. But it all just seems so empty. What do we fill our lives with that encompass meaning and validation for our souls or how do I put meaning into my life again?
Crusoe Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Days go past and days come still All is old and all is new, What is well and what is ill, You imagine and construe; Do not hope and do not fear, Waves that leap like waves must fall; Should they praise or should they jeer, Look but coldly on it all. Things you'll meet of many a kind, Sights and sounds, and tales no end, But to keep them all in mind Who would bother to attend? Very little does it matter, If you can yourself fulfil, That with idle, empty chatter Days go past and days come still
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 No it is not cow poo to me! In fact it's exactly the type of understanding that I crave. When following your advice I would guess that lifes up and downs do not become internalized to our person. Meaning that when something bad does happen, it is supposed to just be accepted and like water off a duck, the bad rolls off us as well. yes, exactly so. Trust me, I know it's not easy to see things this way. I do understand. But this is the simple premise that drives me now....And simple it may be, but easy, it ain't.... (. . .) I like who I am as a person. That person just has no destiny and becuase of that I struggle with staying positive. You DO have a destiny. Of course you do. Why else would you be here? It's just that not everybody has an earth-shattering destiny, that's set to move mountains. Sometimes, what you do in life, is simply a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be that drop poorer without you. Mother Teresa was once told, that up to that point, she had helped over 65,000 people, something truly remarkable for one lowly woman. She countered it had not been so. She had never thought of it in those terms. All she had ever done in her whole life, was help one person. The person in front of her. She could only help one at a time, just one, just one.... And so it grew, that by helping just one at a time, she had moved on... Consider it like ripples in a pond. It's only a tiny stone, but it still has a far-reaching effect. Spiritually yes, I believe and do my best to lead a good life. But it all just seems so empty. What do we fill our lives with that encompass meaning and validation for our souls or how do I put meaning into my life again? Stand in front of a mirror. Take a good long hard look at the person in the reflection. Now, tell me: How many other people who look exactly like that, act exactly like that, speak exactly like that, think exactly like that, and behave exactly like that, do you know? in other words - is there another duplicate you, anywhere? you are entirely unique. And you're living the only life you have, right now. Is self-sabotaging productive? Why are you depriving yourself of the potential to be exactly who you need to be - and only you, can be - instead of living to your full potential? Every minute you spend 'in the dark' is sixty seconds in which you could have been living it to your full potential. "They also serve who only stand and wait". maybe you might benefit from going on a retreat and taking part in meditation. Introspection might actually turn out to be extremely beneficial, in this case....? Just throwing an idea into the ring, there..... Lovely poem, Crusoe.
Ronni_W Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I like who I am as a person. That person just has no destiny and becuase of that I struggle with staying positive. What if you're DOING (part of) your destiny right now? What if part of our destiny is simply to learn from our struggles and suffering...so that we can just continue to do better and lead a 'good-er' life than we knew how to do before all the crap hit the fan? Not to just let the "bad stuff" roll off our backs unexamined, but to study it, learn from it, and USE the 'lessons' to become wiser/more insightful, more discerning, more understanding, more compassionate, more forgiving, more loving, happier, more peaceful...more "enlightened" or "spiritually evolved", if you will. And thus more able to inspire peace, love and happiness in others. IMO, it's also to learn how to not internalize other people's crap because that does make us unhappy and feel victimized...and then we can't give as much understanding, forgiveness, etc., as we might like. *IF* being able to share those kinds of qualities with others is meaningful to you...then there is meaning in learning how to give more of it, yes? The striving to embody more of all of it can be seen as purposeful, important, significant and meaningful. IMO. How do we say "this ain't nothing?"You can try borrowing from other people's experiences. Not that "comparing" is usually advisable, but...maybe your own experience(s) "ain't nothing" compared to...the orphans in New Delhi, the peoples of North Korea, Nelson Mandela's 25 years in jail, the good-and-decent parents whose kids are now in foster care cos they lost their jobs and couldn't house, feed or clothe them anymore. I'm not saying that your experiences "ain't nothing", of course. They are. They hold important lessons and meaning for you; for your own mind, heart and soul. But, in context of the country song and your question...maybe this might work for you? Big hugs, cdt.
lostsoulmate Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 How can a person survive a series of tragedies in life and still maintain any kind of positive outlook in life? How can the last tragedy not become the one that breaks you as a person or once you overcome it, have the feeling that you can overcome anything because of what you have been through? The series of tragedies started 5 years ago and ever year or so it seems a new one arises. How is a person to overcome all of this? CDT- A person overcomes all of this because they have to. In my short 30 or so years on this planet, I have had nothing but heartache, trouble, loss, death, disease... but I never ask why. The reason is, I believe the universe reacts to my words. If I ask why, I feel as if I have let the universe know that I expected the crap. If I just keep moving forward, live in the now. I will survive. You can't change what happen yesterday, but you can ruin today worrying about tomorrow. I hope you gather strength....
Crusoe Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Lovely poem, Crusoe. Thankyou, Mihai Eminescu-Glossa. Cdt, I don't mean to sound to cryptic but I can say it no other way without getting longwinded. You need to how to listen to the grass grow. That's your sixty seconds worth....
Ariadne Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 How can a person survive a series of tragedies in life and still maintain any kind of positive outlook in life? How can the last tragedy not become the one that breaks you as a person or once you overcome it, have the feeling that you can overcome anything because of what you have been through? The series of tragedies started 5 years ago and ever year or so it seems a new one arises. How is a person to overcome all of this? I think the key is to see things not as tragedies but changes in circumstances and knowing that your attitude is up to you. Even Stephen Hawking in his condition claims to be the happiest man and has always a good disposition.
Author cdt76 Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 yes, exactly so. Trust me, I know it's not easy to see things this way. I do understand. But this is the simple premise that drives me now....And simple it may be, but easy, it ain't.... You DO have a destiny. Of course you do. Why else would you be here? It's just that not everybody has an earth-shattering destiny, that's set to move mountains. Sometimes, what you do in life, is simply a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be that drop poorer without you. Mother Teresa was once told, that up to that point, she had helped over 65,000 people, something truly remarkable for one lowly woman. She countered it had not been so. She had never thought of it in those terms. All she had ever done in her whole life, was help one person. The person in front of her. She could only help one at a time, just one, just one.... And so it grew, that by helping just one at a time, she had moved on... Consider it like ripples in a pond. It's only a tiny stone, but it still has a far-reaching effect. Stand in front of a mirror. Take a good long hard look at the person in the reflection. Now, tell me: How many other people who look exactly like that, act exactly like that, speak exactly like that, think exactly like that, and behave exactly like that, do you know? in other words - is there another duplicate you, anywhere? you are entirely unique. And you're living the only life you have, right now. Is self-sabotaging productive? Why are you depriving yourself of the potential to be exactly who you need to be - and only you, can be - instead of living to your full potential? Every minute you spend 'in the dark' is sixty seconds in which you could have been living it to your full potential. "They also serve who only stand and wait". maybe you might benefit from going on a retreat and taking part in meditation. Introspection might actually turn out to be extremely beneficial, in this case....? Just throwing an idea into the ring, there..... Lovely poem, Crusoe. I'd love a retreat of the sort you talk about. How do I find out where one is??????????
deux ex machina Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 How can a person survive a series of tragedies in life and still maintain any kind of positive outlook in life? How can the last tragedy not become the one that breaks you as a person or once you overcome it, have the feeling that you can overcome anything because of what you have been through? The series of tragedies started 5 years ago and ever year or so it seems a new one arises. How is a person to overcome all of this? Some people never do get past certain events. That's the real tragedy. Yet plenty do. You learn from everything, if you allow yourself to. One person, by example can teach a lot about how to live and be the way you want; the other what not to do. You'd be surprised by what a lot of people overcome. People you never suspected had to go through much on first glance.
Author cdt76 Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Some people never do get past certain events. That's the real tragedy. Yet plenty do. You learn from everything, if you allow yourself to. One person, by example can teach a lot about how to live and be the way you want; the other what not to do. You'd be surprised by what a lot of people overcome. People you never suspected had to go through much on first glance. I see that and know it to be true. I'd like to find out where these people get their strength. Thank you all for your support. I got up this morning, took some deep breaths, and have attempted to look at today as a very good day. It's still early but I'm trying to keep a good attitude. Positive thinking.
SarahRose Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Also a buddhist. Nothing is permanent, not good nor bad which in itself is relative. Thinking this to shall pass always helps because it is true. Nothing stays the same. Sometimes it is hard because after all we are human. Sometimes things get to me I think how can people be this way or that way but that is because of my attachment to the situation. I will notice this and then breathe and be conscious of the moment and things are better. Anyway that is how I deal with things
spriggig Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 How do people survive? It helps me to consider extremes when I try to understand the middle. 1997-98 was an amazing time for me, my wife and I fell in love, got married, had a child and bought our first house together. All things I thought I would never experience. So, how do people survive not having the best of times all the time? The same way they survive not having the worst of times all the time. All I'm really saying is you count your blessings, because this too shall pass.
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'd love a retreat of the sort you talk about. How do I find out where one is?????????? You could try Spiritual Directors International website. sdiworld.org, under "resources". They recently changed their site, and I'm finding the 'search' function a little clunky to navigate...hopefully you'll have better luck. You could also try Googling "spiritual retreats" or "meditation retreats".
robaday Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Tragedies happen daily across the world, I used to cry at war coverage in Iraq/Afghanistan when I was younger. I took part in anti-war marches, sold the socialist worker and carried indignation around. Then three years ago a number of tragedies at once just destroyed me. I turned to drugs, used prostitutes, faught, and spent every penny I had on alcohol. Two full years of not being able to feel the breeze, not being able to taste, hear or smell. I cried myself to sleep every day for a full year-the only times that I was ok was when I was drunk. I let myself go, became a vegetable on various anti-depressants and actually asked people for money all the time. I was a loser. Then one day (almost two years since the tragedies) I turned the page. Began exercising and focusing on me. I quit drugs. I cut back on alcohol. I began working with the homeless and drug addicts. Every day, focussing on me, not expecting too much of myself, I started to delight in my own company again. Began reading, began engaging with people. I think the key for me was not placing unrealistic demands on myself-a healthy meal cooked from scratch was something to be proud of-10 press-ups one day, 11 the next....etc. after six months I had the strength to "be there" for my family, to "be there" for the homeless people, to "be there" for my girlfriend. People praised me, couldn't believe I was the same person-they were scared of me for a long time. I am still working on myself, I am not perfect and never will be, but I am grateful for the experience, grateful that I survived, grateful no matter what happens to me now, I have learnt the ability, one of the hardest skills to have, TO LET GO. I owe it to those people I lost to live the best life I can, to live each day as its my last, to help those who are suffering, to become someone. It took two full years for me to feel the breeze-I nearly killed myself 4 times, if it wasn't for my family. I'm just grateful to be alive.
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