AbeFroman Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Hi, everyone. My name's Doug. I chose Abe Froman as my screen-name, because I have a shamefully dorky fixation with '80s movies, and Ferris Bueller is one of my favorites. I'm completely new here, and feel like a genuine schmuck imposing on total strangers for advice, but to be entirely honest, I'm hesitant to bombard my friends and family with my heartache more than I already have, and truthfully, I could really use a semi-anonymous forumn to vent a little, and hopefully get some help. More importantly, I'm pretty much at my wits' end trying to sort out the maelstrom of emotions I've been going through recently. Long story short -- I've got a badly wounded heart, and I would be ENORMOUSLY grateful for some sound advice. This probably will come as no surprise, given the venue, but I was dumped about 2 months ago. (Oh, Hooray). My girlfriend and I dated for a year, and in May, she pretty much blindsided me with the breakup. If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit she had some perfectly valid reasons for leaving me -- I tend to be pretty self-absorbed and not as attentive as I should be, and I think she was fairly frustrated with a bout of complacency I had slipped into, with both our relationship, and my career -- but it still came as a gigantic shock, and needless to say, I'm pretty crushed over it. My problem is this-- I want her back. Again, probably no big surprise there. I've been through several difficult breakups before, and in the past, and I've run the gamut; I've walked away immediately in some instances, I've quietly suffered in others, and in one case, I regrettably did ALL the things you're not supposed to do-- begging, pleading, harrassing, etc. Over the years, I've learned that the best thing to do is simply to accept that the relationship is gone, and do your best to heal and move past it, with as little needless drama as possible. But with this woman, I feel differently. I know our relationship ended because I wasn't fully present and committed to it, and I didn't realize that until it was too late. I never cheated, I never abused her-- I just simply wasn't "there" all the time. I was far too wrapped up in my own concerns, and I can't tell you how badly I wish I could go back and change that. But I can't. That said, I'm deeply, deeply committed to the idea that this relationship is worth fighting for, and I want to give it a genuine 100% effort before I abandon it. I like to think I'm wise enough to discern between genuine love and a desire simply not to be lonely, and I honestly think my motives for reconciliation are fueled by the former. I deeply love this woman. I truly want to try and repair our relationship and build a happy, productive life together. But here's the rub -- I have virtually no idea what's going on in her head at the moment, and I don't know if reconciliation is utterly delusional, or a real possibility. As is to be expected, we haven't communicated very much since her decision to leave. Immediately following the breakup, I sincerely apologized for the mistakes I made, and engaged in a (thankfully) brief phase of "bargaining" with her ("is there anything I can do to change your mind?, etc.) , and then somehow miraculously had the good sense to back off and give her and myself some space. In the last 2 months, we've exchanged a few text messages-- some genuinely caring and productive, and some that were fairly cool and aloof. All of them have left me missing her more... as has the silence in between our short conversations. I can tell we both legitimately love each other, but if I'm brutally honest with myself, I can also detect that she's making a concerted effort NOT to be engaged, or available to me. However, I'm not sure if that's a clear sign that she's totally closed-off to the idea of reuniting, or just the normal, healthy distancing that results when people are confused about their feelings. A couple weeks ago, I asked her if she would be interested in meeting me for a walk, or lunch sometime -- whenever she felt ready. She said she would like that, but was really busy, and would most likely not be available for a couple weeks. This was about a week ago. I have literally HUNDREDS of questions floating through my head now, but I guess the two that surface most persistently are: 1.) Am I an idiot for thinking that it's possible to repair the relationship when she's already left? -- Or am I doing the right thing by maintaining my resolve to get back together? 2.) Am I better off severing ties completely, and letting her come to me? I ask, because I'm not certain that NC is the best way to go for me. Her biggest complaint about my behavior was that I wasn't attentive enough, that I didn't make her feel like she was as important to me as I was to her. I'm afraid that if I sever contact completely, I'll only confirm those beliefs. I don't want to crowd her, or portray myself as desperate and clingy, but I do want her to know that I'm making an active effort to be less self-involved and more engaged in her life. Pretty TRICKY balancing act, right? Anyway, I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice you guys might offer. If there's anything you'd like to ask me , to give you a more informed idea of myself, my ex and our relationship, please feel free to ask. Thank you SO much in advance for any help you might be able to offer. I can't tell you how much some kindness and sound advice would mean to me right now! Gratefully, Doug
Scruffydog Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Hey Doug, I'm not sure I can offer advice as I'm in the same boat as you. Middle of May she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me. After being together 6 years. But we're still under the same roof; there's 2 little people involved, we're trying to make it to the school holidays. And it's not always easy. Despite her denial, I know there's someone else. He's supposedly a figure of respect, a head teacher, I'm hoping he's just an a*****e using her 'cos I love her so much and want her back. So I'm pretty mixed up to be giving advice at the moment. Perhaps when I've gone through the mill a bit more... I can understand how you must be feeling though, so hang in there bud. Scruffydog.
Author AbeFroman Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Hey, Scruff -- well, I can definitely empathize with you. I don't think there's an element of another man in my scenario, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. I can't imagine what you must be going through -- particularly since you live in the same house. That has to be just heart-wrenching. I don't think I could do it. The sparse, minimal contact I have with my ex is bad enough. I try not to, but periodically my curiosity gets the better of me and I check in on her Facebook page, and it's just decimating to see that she's apparently more or less completely okay with the breakup. I can't even comprehend how difficult it must be to face her each and every day. For whatever it's worth, my heart absolutely goes out to you. Shakz-- Well, I'd like to think Ferris would stick it out and fight for her, but he's a fictional character, and I'm not. Believe me, I *wish* I had that kind of emotional impunity. I want more than anything to get her back-- but I'm not seeing a whole lot of indicators that reconciliation is an idea she's receptive to. More and more, I'm starting to feel the icy reality that she's moved on. Half my instincts tell me to tough it out from the sidelines and wait, and the other half tell me that I'm just setting myself up for a second round of pain and rejection -- with the added bonuses of regret and humiliation thrown into the mix this time. She told me she was willing to meet with me two weeks ago, but the timeframe she proposed is almost on top of me. Not sure if I just need to hang in there a little longer, or if I'm being a chump. Good lord, this sucks. Ugh.
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