I think I've withdrawn from my marriage

[Jennifer26]

Over the years there have been so many issues in my marriage. Almost too many to recap. But the last year or so things seemed to be going really well, but looking back I think part of that might be because I began to detach some. For years I was the 'overbearing' wife. I was the wife that snooped, complained about my husband looking at porn, didn't like his friends, etc.

 

I decided to get my own life. I created a book club with other women, I began focusing a lot of my body and getting into shape, and just finding ways to make myself happy.

 

I do feel happy for the most part. Except that my husband has now turned into the old me. He is jealous, makes cracks all of the time how I don't love him, how I don't want to sleep with him, how I'm going to leave him. He never did this before in the 10 years we have been together. Ever.

 

I feel like I have withdrawn a bit from our marriage, but I do still love him. I feel like maybe I was focusing on him to an extent that was unhealthy before and it made me miserable.

 

I keep trying to tell him I love him, and show him affection but it's never enough. I feel like giving up some days. If I sleep with him 4 times in a week, but one night say "maybe tomorrow hun I am tired" I never want to sleep with him according to him.

 

This is something entirely new to our relationship, it's almost a complete reversal of roles compared to a few years ago. I am at a loss.

[xpaperxcutx]

It takes two to break a relationship, let alone a marriage.

 

What you and your husband is lacking is communication. You guys need to spend a little more time together to rediscover the things that made the both of you fall in love in the first place.

 

I understand it's important to have a life outside of marriage, but it's also important to keep the marriage intact. Take a day out of the week for " couples' time". If you have kids, sent them to a babysitter or have a relative watch over them.

 

You guys aren't at the stage where you require couples counseling, but you do need to communicate more to relinquish the resentment that's been built up between you two.

[choosinghappiness]

I agree that communication is the problem here. You have to tell your husband how you feel, and how it makes you feel when he makes comments that are hurtful.

 

You don't want to resent your husband so make sure that you open that line of communication for both or your sakes.

 

A little bit of withdrawl and taking time to work on yourself and make yourself happy is not a bad thing. You should encourage your husband to do the same. Maybe you will find that there are things that you can do together that you both like.

 

Good luck!

[just_some_guy]

This sounds like a good candidate for marriage counseling. Start now, before more growing apart happens.

[Secure]

Go to marriage counseling. You obviously depended on your spouse to make you happy in the past. He now can see your diversion of interests and possibly threatened by your independence.

 

You did an awesome job at finding activities for yourself. Communicate with your husband about activities you can do together.

[Iconoclast]

I keep trying to tell him I love him, and show him affection but it's never enough. I feel like giving up some days. If I sleep with him 4 times in a week, but one night say "maybe tomorrow hun I am tired" I never want to sleep with him according to him.

 

This is something entirely new to our relationship, it's almost a complete reversal of roles compared to a few years ago. I am at a loss.

 

There was a power shift. He had all or most of the power, and you have now seized some, and that is OK, and rightfully yours.

But, it's new to him and scary. He fears your new independence is you preparing to exit, consciously or unconsciously.

You hit the gym and look good, has he slid into sedentary lifestyle and not looking so good. That could be hard for him, and if so, you need to do that activity together. It will help him.

 

Dealing with absolutes: Keep a calendar of what you did sexually. When confronted with "you NEVER..." cut it off right there, politely, and kindly demonstrate that that is not true. It can't be never, because "last week we did X 4 times". Use this tactic for any absolutes.

Let the conversation revolve around facts, not, ALWAYS and NEVER.

 

The only absolute you should allow is ALWAYS talk about it. ALWAYS tell the truth, even if it hurts.

[Jennifer26]

I think there already is resentment. My husband has a quick temper, and while he's never lashed out at anyone physically he can be very verbally abusive and just downright unpleasant to be around. Just about anything can set him off, and you never quite know which thing it's going to be. It's like walking on egg shells around him some of the time.

 

I've dealt with this since the day I met him. To be fair he warned me about it when we first met. It didn't seem that bad, but of course this was the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship. He's had anger problems most of his life.

 

I wonder often why I've stayed and put up with it. I think it's because when he's not angry, he can be a really good person. There are times I think "wow, he really is a wonderful husband or father" and he can seem so patient and loving and an hour later snap at someone over something minuscule. His temper tantrums are usually short lived. Sometimes five minutes, sometimes a couple of hours - almost never more than that. He almost always apologizes right after. I've learned to just stay out of his way and not even speak to him when he's irritated.

 

But it's so daunting. I feel like he ruins my day, and good mood so often. There are times I say to myself inside when he's being an ******* that I hate him, and times he's being nice and I feel conflicted.

 

I've tried to get him into marriage counseling so many times. I've tried to get him to go to individual counseling. I've tried to get him to go into anger management. He refuses to do any of the above, and I've put divorce ultimatums and thrown him out of the house before to try to make it clear I was serious. But he called my bluff and he refused.

[Iconoclast]

So leave. Then he can decide if he loves his anger more than his wife. It's time for him to grow up.

He called your bluff, because it was a bluff and he's a better player than you.

Don't bluff.

 

Or live with it and carry on. He's obviously not going to change without a huge wake up call.

[pizzagirl]

As I read both your posts jennifer I am struck by the contrasts in Tone. In the initial posts you expressed some independence and finding yourself. You expressed a better body image and more catering to your interests yet you seemed to also communicate that your Husband seemed paranoid about you drifting away. Yet the second post is way different in tone as you speak of his anger and your need to distance, and you are questioning why you have stayed with him. That is a very telling sentiment so it can hardly be labled paranoia if you are wrestling with such demons.

 

Maybe you cannot share or do not want to share. How would those sentiments be taken by an angry explosive guy, is that a reason why you are withholding you may be wrestling as to why you have stayed. is this new confidence in yourself making manifest you want to do more than create a temporary space of activities. The second post you are owning your need for space has much deeper issues and as you can see, you have his attention. your last sentence hints you may be done"trying". Do you really want this relationship? I am NOT judging you. It may be you are just now being honest with yourself that you are done with the stage you have remained stuck in. remember You have BOTH been stuck, and now that you are unstuck and no longer willing to enable his "stuckness" are you going to give him a last chance to get "unstuck" together?

[vestigalvirgin]

Jennifer,

 

I don't know if you've already had an affair or perhaps have contemplated having one.

 

But you are definitely very vulnerable to one.

 

Please divorce your husband before having an affair.

[Jennifer26]

As I read both your posts jennifer I am struck by the contrasts in Tone. In the initial posts you expressed some independence and finding yourself. You expressed a better body image and more catering to your interests yet you seemed to also communicate that your Husband seemed paranoid about you drifting away. Yet the second post is way different in tone as you speak of his anger and your need to distance, and you are questioning why you have stayed with him. That is a very telling sentiment so it can hardly be labled paranoia if you are wrestling with such demons.

 

Maybe you cannot share or do not want to share. How would those sentiments be taken by an angry explosive guy, is that a reason why you are withholding you may be wrestling as to why you have stayed. is this new confidence in yourself making manifest you want to do more than create a temporary space of activities. The second post you are owning your need for space has much deeper issues and as you can see, you have his attention. your last sentence hints you may be done"trying". Do you really want this relationship? I am NOT judging you. It may be you are just now being honest with yourself that you are done with the stage you have remained stuck in. remember You have BOTH been stuck, and now that you are unstuck and no longer willing to enable his "stuckness" are you going to give him a last chance to get "unstuck" together?

 

You are right. These feelings I expressed in my second post I have been feeling for a long time. To give a little more background, besides the anger issues my husband has there have also been numerous issues regarding porn. It's ironic, because for years he would reject me sexually and tell me he just was getting "too old" or was "too tired" to have sex with me more than once every week or two. Yet, I would find he'd been looking at porn daily.

 

I think for a long time this upset me far more than his angry outbursts. I focused on it all of the time. I became so obsessed with his looking at porn it was all I thought about. I began thinking he was going to have an affair, I felt really unattractive and unloved. I told him this hundreds of times, to which he'd lie about the amount of porn he looked at and tell me I was just insecure. I would put the evidence right in his face, and he would then become angry with me and give me the silent treatment.

 

I was so unhappy, I wanted to leave him. But even more I just wanted him to change. I wanted our family to stay in tact. I decided I was going to "take a break" from caring about him looking at porn since I realized there was no way I was going to make him stop and I knew I was too weak and scared to leave him.

 

I first began some individual counseling for myself. I began writing in a journal, meditating, eating healthy, working out, making new friends, and enjoying things without him (which before I didn't do so much, we did practically everything together). I didn't do this to try to grow apart from him, I did it because the porn thing was killing me inside. I knew I couldn't spend any more time focusing on it and it was really hard to not go and look through his computer for 'evidence' so I told him to lock me out of his computer altogether.

 

As time went on, I stopped caring if he looked at porn. I still don't care. I know he does, and it no longer gives me any negative feelings. I suppose because it wasn't the porn as much as it was him choosing the porn over me over and over again. Now he won't leave me alone when it comes to sex. It's like things shifted completely and we've traded places.

 

I don't feel like I want to have an affair. When men hit on me (which has been happening a lot more lately due to my taking more effort with my appearance and losing weight) I don't get all that excited by it.

 

My husband does have some valid concerns, however, my feelings are nothing new. I have been trying to convince him to go to anger management for years. I have cried, and told him how ****ty he makes me feel sometimes over the porn and over the snapping at me. He never seemed to care before when I would express these things, and even when I have thrown him out of the house. I was closer than ever to divorcing him back in those days, but he didn't seem to care one bit.

[vestigalvirgin]

I don't feel like I want to have an affair. When men hit on me (which has been happening a lot more lately due to my taking more effort with my appearance and losing weight) I don't get all that excited by it.

 

 

Interesting response, you didn't say "There's no way I would ever have an affair." You're getting attention from other men and you like it, you're diminishing that by saying it's not all "that" exciting, but you still like it. You're losing weight.

 

You have a lot of hostility towards your h probably most of it justified. His behavior has caused you to question your sexual desirability.

 

You've had the opportunity to divorce him in the past but haven't followed through.

 

Most likely you're the type of woman who needs to have another man lined up before leaving the current one.

 

Since you haven't ruled out an affair, my initial thought stands: You're extremely vulnerable to having one.

 

All I said was get divorced first, BEFORE you get into a new relationship.

 

But I'm sure you won't listen.

[Jennifer26]

Interesting response, you didn't say "There's no way I would ever have an affair." You're getting attention from other men and you like it, you're diminishing that by saying it's not all "that" exciting, but you still like it. You're losing weight.

 

You have a lot of hostility towards your h probably most of it justified. His behavior has caused you to question your sexual desirability.

 

You've had the opportunity to divorce him in the past but haven't followed through.

 

Most likely you're the type of woman who needs to have another man lined up before leaving the current one.

 

Since you haven't ruled out an affair, my initial thought stands: You're extremely vulnerable to having one.

 

All I said was get divorced first, BEFORE you get into a new relationship.

 

But I'm sure you won't listen.

 

I'm not going to say I would NEVER have an affair because I am one of those people who think anyone is capable under the right circumstances. I agree my situation doesn't look terribly good, but I will say that I am very very opposed to cheating. I don't want a new relationship, the thought of a new man is not appealing. I do love my husband, but I realize we have issues that need to be addressed and that I am harboring a lot of resentment too.

 

Of course being hit on feels somewhat good, but I don't go out of my way to seek it and I don't indulge in it. I did lose weight and I do feel and look better so of course it's nice to have some recognition of that.

[Confused_in_canada]

First off , this is my first post so please don't blast me. This site is wealth of knowledge and I hope to frequent here often.

 

I am responding to the original title of the thread as i feel I am suffering from the same situation. It's hard when you want to communicate and there is no response from the otherside or he get's angry. My Wife walks out of the room then comes back and wants to talk some more. Hang on a minute I wasn't done.

 

Anyways, I agree, affair, is not an option. I'm glad you took some counselling and I think i will to to help the situation. However, if he isn't willing to change then it could be a tough situation. He has to meet you half way and if he's not he'll find that he's half way to nothing.

 

Hope that Helps.

Evan