Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Confidence is something that is exuded, not shouted from the roof tops. A guy who walks with his head held high, comfortably approaches me and introduces himself, and talks to me without seeming nervous, is confident. I just don't get how a guy could be completely confident and not seem nervous at all when talking to a girl that he is attracted to unless he is super hot and has had a lot of success in the past. For me, it only seems logical to be nervous when talking to a girl that I find attractive. Plus add to the fact that I only have like a 5% chance of not being rejected.
threebyfate Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I can't imagine TBF with a man who is any less than extra confident.This would be an accurate observation.
Author Gallaxia Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I try to be confient but it usually comes off as being arrogant. When I don't try to be confient, I come off as the doormat. That's interesting. Is this based on what others have said? Or your perception of what others see in you? When you are being yourself, where would you say you fall?
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 A guy who walks around admiring himself in mirrors, laughing at his own jokes, and approaches me with anything utilizing the word "baby" when he doesn't even know me, I perceive as arrogant. But hey, arrogant guys are the most fun to reject. "Aww, sowwy, did I hurt your pwecious wittle ego?!" Umm, sorry but who actually does that? Were you at a bar or something? Lol That whole image seems like something straight out of a cliche movie.
gamma1 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 That's interesting. Is this based on what others have said? Or your perception of what others see in you? When you are being yourself, where would you say you fall? It's based on what others have said and what I see in myself. I'm a doormat most of the time and when I try not to be I come off as arrogant. I'll sometimes go back and forth, almost always failing to achieve the confidence most women desire. No matter what I try, I can't find that confident middle ground and being in the late 30s, it's probably a bit late for me.
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 It's based on what others have said and what I see in myself. I'm a doormat most of the time and when I try not to be I come off as arrogant. I'll sometimes go back and forth, almost always failing to achieve the confidence most women desire. No matter what I try, I can't find that confident middle ground and being in the late 30s, it's probably a bit late for me. That's because arrogance is fake confidence. It's a paper thin, finite and ugly substitute for confidence. That's why people see right through it.
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 A truly confident person is attractive to people because of the way they make others feel. Being self assured is very contagious. When you are confident you infect other people around you with it, and that's why they are drawn to you, male or female. Confidence is the ability to know you're 'the sh*t' and make others around you feel as though they are 'the sh*t' as well. Arrogance does not work because it endeavors to make others feel less, which is the opposite of confidence.
gamma1 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 That's because arrogance is fake confidence. It's a paper thin, finite and ugly substitute for confidence. That's why people see right through it. That's why I'm my usual doormat self most of the time. How am I supposed to be confident?
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 A truly confident person is attractive to people because of the way they make others feel. Being self assured is very contagious. When you are confident you infect other people around you with it, and that's why they are drawn to you, male or female. Confidence is the ability to know you're 'the sh*t' and make others around you feel as though they are 'the sh*t' as well. Arrogance does not work because it endeavors to make others feel less, which is the opposite of confidence. I make others feel good about themselves because I am nice, understanding and compliment them. That doesn't make me confident though or doesn't make them confident in me. I'm not drawn to overly confident girls because then I know that I definitely have no chance with them.
gamma1 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Confidence is the ability to know you're 'the sh*t' and make others around you feel as though they are 'the sh*t' as well. I can't even think that with a straight face.
threebyfate Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I can't even think that with a straight face.Glad you said it first!
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I make others feel good about themselves because I am nice, understanding and compliment them. That doesn't make me confident though or doesn't make them confident in me. You are doing these things because you are a nice guy. In other words, you are doing it with the goal of pleasing them. Making people around you feel secure is the effect of confidence, not the SOURCE. You're backwards.
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 You are doing these things because you are a nice guy. In other words, you are doing it with the goal of pleasing them. Making people around you feel secure is the effect of confidence, not the SOURCE. You're backwards. I don't intentionally do whatever it is I do to please people. I'm not a people pleaser. I just do what I feel. If I can help someone who needs it, I do it because I feel it is right. I don't put up with people that use me either. The thing is that I am a real person. I'm open and honest and I still haven't figured out the concept of confidence because it seems to be based completely on something that is made up. I understand having confidence based on having good experiences in the past and knowing that there is a chance that things will go your way. What about when you have no great past experiences in a certain field? How do you just manufacture confidence? I don't get that. If I play football and get completely creamed every time I go onto the field and never have any affect on the outcome of a game, I'm not going to have confidence in my ability to be a football player. If I try to meet women and go on dates and nothing ever works out then I am going to have less and less confidence in my ability to attract women. It's only logical. I'm trying to figure out the secret to confidence as it seems that it's the only quality that makes you worthy of being loved. I just honestly can't figure it out.
Author Gallaxia Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Gero, you need to flip it around. YOU should be the prize. Start thinking in terms of, anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. Think about all the good qualities you have. It could be something simple as, it being the people you're surrounding yourself (that's affecting your outcome), rather than it being you.
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Gero, you need to flip it around. YOU should be the prize. Start thinking in terms of, anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. Think about all the good qualities you have. It could be something simple as, it being the people you're surrounding yourself (that's affecting your outcome), rather than it being you. So you're basically saying that confidence is basically feeling a form of entitlement? I guess being that I am a humble person (although I can jokingly brag about things once in awhile) I tend to feel that feeling deserving of something is wrong. It's possible that is what is wrong with my way of thinking. I'm not sure.
Author Gallaxia Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 No, I guess I worded that wrong. What I meant was, seeking to validate yourself (within yourself) from knowing your own worth and finding that anyone who can't appreciate what you have to offer, is not the right person for you, not that there must be something wrong with you.
gamma1 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 No, I guess I worded that wrong. What I meant was, seeking to validate yourself (within yourself) from knowing your own worth and finding that anyone who can't appreciate what you have to offer, is not the right person for you, not that there must be something wrong with you. A lot of people determine someone's worth by your relationship experience. What can those of us with very little be confident about? I have little enough in my late 30s that I know it would be a deal breaker for most women if they found out. It makes dating scary.
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 No, I guess I worded that wrong. What I meant was, seeking to validate yourself (within yourself) from knowing your own worth and finding that anyone who can't appreciate what you have to offer, is not the right person for you, not that there must be something wrong with you. Okay, then that takes me back to where I started. I have no idea what my worth is or how to determine that. I've have very few good relationships and that includes women, friends and family. I know what my good qualities are and stuff and I am not a horrible person, but if I continue to have horrible relationships with other people, then am I wrong to assume that it has to be that something is wrong with me in some way since I am the only constant?
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I have no idea what my worth is or how to determine that. Bingo. Let me ask you a question. Just who do you think you have to be in order to deserve to be confident?
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Bingo. Let me ask you a question. Just who do you think you have to be in order to deserve to be confident? To be honest. I feel like I have to be perfect in every way with no faults.
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 To be honest. I feel like I have to be perfect in every way with no faults. You do realize that no one is perfect, don't you? Perfection is vastly overrated. Having flaws and not caring what people think about them is a huge part of being confident. I think you are a people pleaser, despite what you say - it's probably denial. The answer to my question I was looking for is actually you. You have to be you in order to deserve to be confident, and no one else. It's a simple yet confusing logic, but that really is all it takes.
gamma1 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 To be honest. I feel like I have to be perfect in every way with no faults. I feel the same way. One mistake on a date and there's no second date.
Gero Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 You do realize that no one is perfect, don't you? Perfection is vastly overrated. Having flaws and not caring what people think about them is a huge part of being confident. I think you are a people pleaser, despite what you say - it's probably denial. The answer to my question I was looking for is actually you. You have to be you in order to deserve to be confident, and no one else. It's a simple yet confusing logic, but that really is all it takes. I don't like who I am though. I'm no where near my potential. I've let depression and social anxiety take over my life and I am no where near where I want to be in life.
Author Gallaxia Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I think Confidence is selling what you've got. Arrogance is overselling what you've got. Wow... think I just answered my original question.
TheLoneSock Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I don't like who I am though. I'm no where near my potential. I've let depression and social anxiety take over my life and I am no where near where I want to be in life. Then what is it that you have the potential to become/do that your social anxiety (you, and your worry of what others think of you) is holding you back from?
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