JennaLee Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 My husband left me in March. It wasn't a very hard breakup due to him being distant and cold for 4 years prior to the breakup. He wasn't showing me any love, or affection.In fact, he even looked at me with hate. I was so miserable, and lonely for so long, that I figured it was normal for me, and what I deserved- so I stayed. I was stupid for allowing my life to be so miserable. He finally left me, to live with another female.. a female that he's been with for a long time. The signs were there, I turned the other cheek and allowed it to happen. It is NOT my fault he cheated, but it is my fault I allowed it to go on without leaving. Anyway, I meet a man in April. Yes, its soon, but I met him and adored him from the beginning. We hit it off right away. He treats me the way my husband never treated me, he makes me smile, never raises his voice, and is just..wonderful. After all I've been through, I would figure I would be insecure, and worried about being hurt again, but I am not. I trust this man 100%. My problem is this. My husband, is abusive.. verbally, mentally and physically. He has pushed me into a wall, put his hand around my neck and threatened me in the past. A month ago, we were arguing over the phone about our 6 year old son, and he says to me, "Don't piss me off, I will go over there and choke the eff out of you. And even though you took your keys away, I can get in" I called the cops, they didn't do ANYTHING. I got a temporary restraining order(all they would give me) and now I feel this could ruin my relationship because he doesn't like me talking to my husband. He feels that I will somehow get hurt. He says to let the courts to do the talking. I have NEVER been in this kind of situation, and I would love to hear how someone who has handled it. I want a divorce, but I just don't even know where to start. I can't afford a laywer. What is the divorce process? How would I start, where do I go? How do I not let this harm my current relationship? Ad how do I do this without the most important person in my life( my son) suffering?
Template Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Your post makes me sad. So first things first, you are in an abusive relationship in your soon to be ex. This is already affecting your child. Children are like sponges, they absorb everything even if they don't understand it. Your tone, your mannerisms, attitude, when around your husband - your child can see this. Your child deserves to see what a loving relationship is all about Time and time again, the court and social services system in America has failed women and children in real need. So you have to ask yourself, what are your options. 1. you have to protect yourself. Get an alarm for you house, or stay with a relative (mom/dad). 2. start building a case for the divorce. Record the arguments. Get proof he is now living with another woman. You also need to let your new man know exactly what's going on. Be honest with him. I don't know what else to say, as hearing about these kind of human atrocities infuriates me. I'm here struggling to get into a decent relationship, and there are people out there that abuses and destroys them.
Author JennaLee Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Your post makes me sad. So first things first, you are in an abusive relationship in your soon to be ex. This is already affecting your child. Children are like sponges, they absorb everything even if they don't understand it. Your tone, your mannerisms, attitude, when around your husband - your child can see this. Your child deserves to see what a loving relationship is all about Time and time again, the court and social services system in America has failed women and children in real need. So you have to ask yourself, what are your options. 1. you have to protect yourself. Get an alarm for you house, or stay with a relative (mom/dad). 2. start building a case for the divorce. Record the arguments. Get proof he is now living with another woman. You also need to let your new man know exactly what's going on. Be honest with him. I don't know what else to say, as hearing about these kind of human atrocities infuriates me. I'm here struggling to get into a decent relationship, and there are people out there that abuses and destroys them. Thanks for replying. My attitude toward my husband do not change around my son. I am respectful, and do not fight around him. I never talk badly about him in front of my son, and when asked I tell him "Of course I like daddy.. he gave me the best gift ever. You!" I just hope that in his house, he does not talk about me to my son. I have evidence of cheating. I have facebook photos, and comments between them two. That is how I found out about the cheating. I found his facebook, then found hers, and all the pictures and comments since way back. This man left me with absolutely nothing. I had NO job, and no notice of him leaving. I went to a job interview, come back home to him here early, and he sat me down.. told me he had an apartment, signed a lease with a female he's known for a while, and was leaving. His stuff was all ready gone, and so was half of mine. I wish I could take him for all he's worth. I'm too nice to even try. Although everyone is saying I should. This is the first time and hopefully last I have ever been through this, and it's such a long, tiring road. My new boyfriend knows about everything. I explained everything to him prior to meeting face to face. He doesn't give much advice, he stays out of it for the most part- saying it is between me and my husband. However, when I was threatened, he got pissed and gave me tons of advice, and got mad because I still spoke to him after.
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Big hugs, JennaLee. I am sorry that you're having to deal with this. I would suggest that you call a local women's advocay group or shelter -- they will be able to direct you to the resources available, offer you support and guidance, help you design and implement an 'exit plan', etc. In the meantime, you may want to consider not arguing with your stbx about anything -- it is seldom effective to do that with a rage-filled, abusive bully. When there are matters to discuss about your son's care or your pending divorce, then say to effect of, "We don't seem likely to be able to come to an agreement now, let's talk about it again <tonight, tomorrow> when we're both calmer." And just stop engaging with him. Your potential new partner must accept that you do have to speak with your stbx, and you will have to continue doing that. Right now, it's also about the legal and practical matters of separating and divorcing...and, in the future, it is going to be about your son. That's fine to say, "let the courts do the talking" -- but that does not come free or cheap. You must let the new guy know how he can support you in useful/helpful ways, and in ways that you want and need. Your local library or bookstore may have some type of "divorce kit" for your jurisdiction. Even if you end up having to hire a divorce-family lawyer at some point, it won't hurt for you to know more about the process. Praying you Guidance, Support, Strength and Peace.
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